Gaslighting alert!

40 Comments

1. AnonymousJune 25,2022 at 2:23AM UTC

   You should alert your boss in the most diplomatic way possible. I would honestly bring it up as a concern at your next meeting with him. Have some examples of her not prioritizing your region or providing the data requests. What exactly is that team supposed to be providing for your region? And you haven’t gotten it? Then point that out. Make sure you communicate that you are open to assisting the other team as best you can to complete the deliverables, but because they are prioritizing other things, it’s prolonging the work that’s needed to be done for your region.

2. AnonymousJune 25,2022 at 2:30AM UTC

   I'm not sure looking bad or negative is worth failing at your primary responsibility.

   If this is your dream job I would suggest you treat like such. Take responsibility, stop going along with supporting the charade and let your boss know that no leads or support for your territory has materialized.

   I'm shocked your boss doesn't track the development of the territory assigned to you closer. It's an easy matrix to track on both the lead and sales streams.

3. AstridJune 25,2022 at 2:38AM UTC

   I would say something and would focus strictly on facts. For example, I’d say I want this region to be successful and need a little support from you. So far I have received xyz and have not received abc. What do you think is the best way forward?

   see what your leader says. If solutions offered are not enough, maintain a professional demeanor and continue to assert your needs. You could say “

   Could you ask so and so for the following? When can I expect the following items/actions to occur? “

   don’t be afraid to be a broken record in asking for what you need.

4. AnonymousJune 25,2022 at 3:13AM UTC

   Why can't you just tell the truth? You're not being "bad" or "negative" by being honest with your boss about the things that seem to be causing a log jam to your workflow.

   For all you know, the support group is doing their best but running into log jams of their own that your boss can help with since he also manages them.

   If you don't speak up you are essentially taking part in this. If you keep going along that everything is fine up until you are at the point of missing deadlines or goals, when you saw this early out it was an issue, you're making an excuse for a failure you could have prevented.

5. Jackie RukaJune 25,2022 at 3:38AM UTC

   If your boss is asking then he is asking for a reason. Be upfront and honest, in a diplomatic way . All this time has slipped and nothing has materialized?

   Usually a 30-60-90 day action plan is put in place, especially for a new region.

   So you can either tell your manager the boss is asking about what’s being rolled out or you will be happy to tell him yourself. Haha ?

   Or you can simply let him know the support groups attention has yet to prioritize the region he asked and you could share your suggestions and projects directly.

   I have been in this position and ended up spearheading my region, rolling out projects and partnership events and ended up with a huge annual bonus despite everyone else’s lack of participation. And was asked to be manager thereafter… don’t wait, just lead.

6. AnonymousJune 25,2022 at 6:00AM UTC

   Im sorry you’re going through this.
   90 days in, I’m in a similar situation however my manager and colleague were gaslighters and microaggressors.

   In a weekly meeting with my mgr’s boss, she dominated the meetings, exaggerates with overexcitement and “praises” me by giving me credit for others work. I know what it’s like to have others take credit for my work…and won’t be complicit in this effort to make her look good.. I would love to set a 1:1 with her boss, he has great thought provoking questions, is realistic about challenges of process improvements, and is much better at communicating goals, expectations, and doesn’t get frazzled by questions. Since I’m the new gal, and he just promoted my mgr, I’ll just count this as a loss and focus on my exit. Here’s why….

   Outside of these meetings my mgr and colleague (both women) exclude me from key calls\meetings although the three us make up “the project team”…expectations change weekly with scattered direction (we’re remote so clear communication is vital), her plans and instructions are never well thought out, and she gets annoyed and loud when I ask more than 1 question. Now she wants to know exactly who I’m meeting with disguised as “so I’ll know how to best support you” or she wants to meet with me before I meet others or wants to join, I assume in an attempt to control the narrative and ensure she is always the face of the project, she has ignored my emails or takes days to respond, and completely disregards any agenda that I share for a meeting I’m hosting (i.e. I fully recognize the microaggressions). I’m often only on the receiving end of information…no input,execution only. I can always tell when she and my colleague met prior to our meeting and planned without my input. My colleague was territorial about projects that my mgr originally asked us to partner on and refused to invite me to regular meetings despite asking several times and alerting my mgr…90 days in (only 30 days of actually working on what I was hired for) my manager now wants my territorial colleague to “mentor me” (microagression) and literally asks me to “copy” what she did…so no regard for my experience that she previously claimed to have hired me for. Anywhere else this would just be called a transition of a work/project…not a mentorship. She’s shared with me that I was the poached talent from a competitor per the 2022 goals for the department in front of my colleague….so I guess Hiring me was a check on the list…and probably double check since I’m the only black woman/ person in my dept.
   1 month in, I was asked to take on the work of different project for a colleague who resigned, I said I was up for the challenge and only needed the support of the subject matter expert whom he worked with daily. After communicating this, my mgr translated this as a weakness and then questioned my confidence. Accepting the supporting role, I’ve learned during road shows with stakeholders that they never even sought to understand needs of internal stakeholders. So as the newly hired evangelist for my team’s new internal software program, several of my very first introductions to colleagues and Executives at my new company embarrassingly ended with them telling me that what I shared “doesn’t meet their needs” and equated to “more work”. Great first impression and onboarding!

   I’m reminded that weak and toxic managers only want to hear yes…and care less about what you need to be successful…question your competence when you share how they can support you. I’m fully aware that she and my colleague are threatened by me and insecure….and only work well with personal cheerleaders. After surviving a pandemic, traumatic racial violence and reckoning, and a previous toxic environment …I’ve learned no amount of money or professional relationship is worth compromising our health and values.

7. AnonymousJune 26,2022 at 7:03PM UTC

   Are you planning to leave?

8. Gina Maria VegasJune 27,2022 at 12:35PM UTC

   Are you talking about me?

9. CStiggerJune 27,2022 at 12:45PM UTC

   Interesting. Perhaps you are toxic and a micro aggressor. If this resonated with you, then do better.

10. Audrey KirschJune 26,2022 at 4:18PM UTC

    That manager has a team who is responsible for generating leads. If possible, approach the team members to see what they are being directed to do. Let them know that you would be interested in any leads they come up with. You could find out that their manager is purposely working against you. The boss needs to know that. Seek out your own leads and show that support or no support, you’re determined to expand your region and be successful.

11. Gina Maria VegasJune 27,2022 at 12:29PM UTC

    Where is the region?

12. GirlBossanova934974June 27,2022 at 12:44PM UTC

    I've worked in Marketing for over 20 years and been responsible for providing leads for B2B Sales Teams for over a decade. It is time to take the drama out of this situation. Your boss needs to have his/her direct report over in Marketing or Sales Report provide her with a weekly Marketing Scorecard that shows leads by territory and marketing channel. That way, there are no disputes. The numbers are the numbers and let's get on with this. Another thing to consider is perhaps it is proving a bit harder to get leads out of your new territory and something new needs to be tried. Just because the territory is NEW to you does not mean there are NO established competitors in that territory. Perhaps another buyer profile needs to be examined by the Marketing Team that might be interested in your service or product. Right now, I am using a Retargeting Campaign in Google Adwords to go after a new buyer profile and very high growth area that my company has been utterly ignoring. We are not making our numbers so a little initiative needs to be exercised. Best of Luck!

13. Cassandra J FenykJune 27,2022 at 1:41PM UTC

    I know we definitely don't have all the facts, but if they are supposed to be providing you with leads and you go along and say that they are when they aren't - that is going to reflect very badly on you if you are not converting those "leads." You need to make sure you are covering yourself as this will most certainly come back at you. You may even be questioned as to why you were covering this up until now so be prepared with an answer.

14. Jillian JohnsonJune 27,2022 at 2:04PM UTC

    I feel like you just have to be honest at this point. Bring some data to your boss and say you have concerns that lately the territory isn't getting as much love as is required. You aren't getting any support and that needs to change fast.

15. AnonymousJune 27,2022 at 2:17PM UTC

    you've only been with this company for four weeks??? Wow. I think this needs a bit more time. Agree with others about taking the drama out of the situation by simply stating facts, such as: "I did not get any leads this week. Yes, we met. Yes, we talked (or didn't) about this or that...". Stick to the facts, as others have wisely advised. However....you've only been with this company for FOUR WEEKS. too soon to make big waves. There's probably issues going on behind the scenes that you aren't aware of, and you don't want to make a big fuss just yet; KWIM? For instance, you "could" discover that your manager, who is supposedly giving you 'support'....has a terrible personal situation going on in his/her life, which is creating this tremendous lack for you. --I'm not making excuses for your manager; instead, I'm suggesting to tread lightly here, since you're a newbie. There's probably more you're going to learn about the manager, the 'boss' and everyone else on that rabbit trail. Keep us posted.

16. ChrishoggJune 27,2022 at 2:27PM UTC

    "I have only expressed positive attitude up until now. And I have been hopeful!"

    Obviously, those of us out here don't have all the information and don't know all the facts.

    It seems to me that you may have already dug a hole so deep you won't be able to get out of it.

    But you can try.

    I would immediately schedule a meeting with your boss, and then invite the other manager, informing her that you will be doing a mea culpa over your role in all this, pointing out exactly and clearly what is going on, and asking your boss for ideas and support in fixing the problem.

    I would definitely schedule this meeting BEFORE talking to the other manager.

    You ask, "Any tips on exposing the truth without looking bad or negative?"

    I'm afraid it's too late for that, and I imagine your boss is going to be extremely upset that you haven't brought this to light long before this.

    Also, let me say that I was in the same general situation as you appear to be, tried to handle it as you have been doing, remained positive, and rightfully so was fired (which indirectly caused me to lose my military career after 8 years of service).

    From reading your comments here, I'm guessing you're not a very assertive person, that you are trying to avoid conflict, and that you're hoping that the other manager will somehow change.

    Hope, however, is not a strategy.

    You're confronted, at this point, with 2 uncomfortable choices: 1) do nothing different and hope the other manager changes, or 2) immediately lay it all out to your boss and see what happens.

    If I were you, based on my previous experience, I would choose option 2), but of course, I'm not you and I don't have all the facts.

    Wishing you the best in a tough situation.

17. Bradford McCormickJune 27,2022 at 2:32PM UTC

    CAN YOU TRUST YOUR BOSS? If not, is there anybody further up the command chain you can trust? If the answer s "Yes", isn't what you should do obvious? Tell the truth. Expose the distortions. They are hurting th company, not just are hurting you and you are a loyal employee.

    If the is nobody you can trust then your job is on the line. Can you afford (that's spelled: "a$$ord") to risk losing your job to be a whistleblower? If not, either this will go away [not likely?] or you have to go away before you get ground up. If you cannot afford to leave, start doing what you need to do to save yourself but in the meantime you may have to "eat it". Unless you can risk losing your job, be scrupulously polite and upeat to these bad people and give them no reason to make things even worse for you than they alreadyhave done. I firmly believe in belig polite to people who do not deserve it because they can hurt me.

    Don't hurt yourself. Life is not fair. Don't let your emotions cause you more trouble than their real life actions are already causing you. Think what you like but keep your thoughts to yourself unless either there is somebody in line with and above you you can trust to do the right thing for the company (and for you), or you can afford to leave.

18. Jill DingJune 27,2022 at 2:40PM UTC

    A tough situation to be in only 4 weeks into the company. However, why are you only expressing a positive attitude when that isn't your experience? Just be upfront. If your boss asks about progress but you don't have one due to your manager, you could say "I don't know" or "I'm not sure they haven't met with me this week" – just imply that something is wrong because you are too new and keep it brief. As others have mentioned, your boss is asking for a reason. Maybe the manager is stretched thin and your boss knows it? Who knows...

19. AnonymousJune 27,2022 at 3:31PM UTC

    You are the only one that is going to speak up on your behalf.

    Don't gaslight yourself, by denying there is an issue with the "support team" help -- tell your direct manager, and any other manager involved, that you are concerned. Be direct about your concerns; don't be vague, name them out specifically.

    Make sure you have a solution ready. Nobody wants to hear about issues without a potential solution. Good luck.

20. AnonymousJune 27,2022 at 3:40PM UTC

    Be truthful with both the coworker and your boss when asked. For the coworker, you can say that your boss regularly asks for updates and you’ll have no progress to report at your next meeting. You could take it a step further and add that you know this is a priority for your boss and they will want to know if it is being treated as such.

    And for the boss, be honest about the lack of progress. If it hasn’t been treated as a priority, say that.

21. AnonymousJune 27,2022 at 3:42PM UTC

    Gaslighting is to manipulate psychologically in order to get you to question your own sanity.

    The manager isn't gaslighting you. They are just a bad manager.

    Tell your boss wha is happening and if nothing changes, look for a better opportunity elsewhere.

22. EMILY KIKUE FRANKJune 27,2022 at 3:54PM UTC

    Document as much as you can. This may be intentional or it may be someone who isn't very good at their job, but regardless, you aren't getting the support you need, and you need to have some sort of proof of that when you talk to your boss. As much as possible, write down the conversations you have word for word, and keep any emails you get from the difficult person. You may even opt to follow up with that person in writing so you have a record. Good luck! It's a sucky situation.

23. Megan JohnstonJune 27,2022 at 4:08PM UTC

    A question comes to mind. Whose job is it to set goals with the lead generation team? To me, as the senior sales person, this seems like it should be in your ability to drive. If so, I would meet with the whole lead generation team - not just their manager, describe your goals for the region and ask them to set a strategy for applicable leads. Their strategy should have clear goals and deadlines and be confirmed in writing with you. Then you will have a plan to present to your boss and something concrete to hold the team to. If you are not sure if this is your role, then you need to have a chat with your boss to get clarity on that and then move forward based on that context. I don't think the other manager is gaslighting you by definition but she does seem to think she has the right to set her team's strategy which is the crux of the challenge. Resolving this is necessary to know how to move forward.

24. AnonymousJune 27,2022 at 4:10PM UTC

    Why was this labeled as gaslighting and passed as such by the fairygodboss forum? It delegitimizes this form of abuse and confuses your plight at this job. Gaslighting is a deliberate form of psychological abuse, to consistently chip away at your sense of reality and sanity. Like a boss coming to your desk and snatching a proposal, pitching it as their own, then saying of course they didn't take it, "you must be crazy and not be seeing clearly," when you confront them.

    Your situation is not this type of abuse per se, but it is frustrating. If this is a transition period and this manager is trying to balance switching her team from older focus areas to your new area, this may take time and they may think that they are focusing a lot of energy into this new area, when they are not. For now, document everything, particularly the times you pushed for your region's work and it was denied, and then take it to the higher ups if it persists past an acceptable 'adjustment' period, as your company transitions away from whatever the manager was previously working on. You could also sit down with the manager and ask them to help you understand what the forecasted efforts might look like because your documents are showing x number of projects focussed on your region. Ask what their work is like right now and how you can help them with this focus switch in different ways. Maybe it's a matter of miscommunication rather than sabotage. But if it is sabotage, you'll have the proof to back it up. Get it all in writing.

25. AnonymousJune 27,2022 at 4:49PM UTC

    Can you meet with both of them together to review that you’re all on the same page since you’re new?

26. AnonymousJune 27,2022 at 5:10PM UTC

    This does not meet gaslighting criteria but it does seem like there is a difference of opinion on what this support of leads will look like.

    I would ask your boss of the list of leads that have thus far been provided. Let them know we have requested those leads several times and have nit received a single one yet.

27. Kristie WhiteJune 27,2022 at 7:13PM UTC

    Call a meeting with your boss and the support manager. Tell your manager that you are unsure that both you and the support manager have the same expectations and you want to clarify them with her for the team. Also plan on specific metrics that could be used to evaluate the support you are getting such as number of leads for your territory, quality of the leads, marketing efforts being made (outreach efforts) etc. These metrics should be in place anyway rather than operating on a promise. Set the stage.

28. Karen PriceJuly 2,2022 at 4:04AM UTC

    This is a great approach. Definitely need to have the situation reported in a data driven format!

29. Maureen B. WeisnerJuly 16,2022 at 2:30AM UTC

    Yes, this is a three person discussion that needs to happen as soon as possible to diffuse any further misdirection.

30. AnonymousJune 27,2022 at 7:36PM UTC

    Thanks for the reply.
    If you start doubting reality based on disinformation in a manipulate way, I believe that is gaslighting. I had a mtg with the support today and she cancelled the mtg per PTO. Incredulously, she was on a call this am and her calendar shows no PTO. I’m sorry this is gaslighting.

31. AnonymousJune 27,2022 at 8:59PM UTC

    I experienced something very similar at a previous company. So I left.

    I'm not saying you should leave, but if there are people with questionable motives or incompetence but talk a good talk, maybe even throw others under the bus in a sense, then I would very professionally speak up, and as others have said, call a meeting with all involved. It may not qualify as gaslighting just yet, but it may eventually get there if it's not caught early. Desperate and incompetent people will do almost anything to get out of taking responsibility for their incompetency and inactivity. I've seen it too many times.

32. EPJune 28,2022 at 3:36AM UTC

    more like passive aggressive.

33. April Donnell-SurgantJune 27,2022 at 9:17PM UTC

    If it were me, I would delicately play the new card and ask, "what should this support look like? Maybe I'm not seeing the leads as expected, etc." I would try to give your boss the opportunity to research for you and find the error, vs you're having to report your peers/coworkers.

34. LORI-ANN BURLINGAMEJune 28,2022 at 11:58AM UTC

    Good Morning,

    I'm watching this video on YourTube about Gaslighting... you may also find it helpful.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hN8IMnLdw04

    Have a great day!

35. AnonymousJune 30,2022 at 2:17AM UTC

    Thanks, great examples.

36. Liz MilneJune 29,2022 at 5:00AM UTC

    Just tell the truth. Do it in a passive tone, without assigning blame, but make it clear that you are trying and being stonewalled in your attempts. And do it soon: that other manager has longevity with the firm, you will be the one to suffer if you let her get away with it for much longer...

37. Horia Patience ProssairdJune 29,2022 at 10:19AM UTC

    This is indeed a very uncomfortable position you are in.

    Be clear about what this "support" looks like and have a conversation about both manager to make sure expectations are understood.

    The sooner you do it, the better.

    Best of luck.

38. LORI-ANN BURLINGAMEJune 30,2022 at 3:31PM UTC

    Hi Anonymous,

    Thank you for sharing your experience. After reading your post, I went looking for resources on Gaslighting and that's how I found Christina and her YourTube Channel --Common Ego. She is a life coach.

    I had an interview last Friday. After the interview, one of the three interviewer's walked me to the door.

    During this 60 seconds, he said that he was impressed with my level of accuracy, but that they were looking for someone with previous PeopleSoft experience. (That skill set is not on my resume. So, why did they schedule an interview?)

    As we were about to shakehands, the office doors opens and it is the next applicant in line (cattle call). She is younger than I am and is wearing tight jeans. He immediately addresses her by name and that's how the interview ended.

    Did I feel gaslighted, yes. After listening to Chrintina's YouTube post on Gaslighting, I can address the hurt and move one.

39. AnonymousJuly 25,2022 at 12:19PM UTC

    Jeans to an interview? Am I getting old?!?! :)

40. AnonymousJuly 29,2022 at 6:48PM UTC

    Metrics, action items and detailed plans are your friend here.
    As other have said in the thread, request an innocuous and innocent sounding check in meeting to go over the status of the lead generation efforts and how you can assist in their support efforts if assistance is needed.

    Sales is all about tracking metrics. Lead generation doubly so. Use the machinery of sales to force accountability. She will either be able to produce data or she won't.