Handling a "Pot-Stirrer"

49 Comments

1. AnonymousAugust 4,2024 at 3:41PM UTC

   Sad that even though you have talked to this employee, gone to your manager and HR that the employee continues this inappropriate behavior.

   Perhaps you do need to be more direct and say, "This has to stop. I am no longer going to listen to your negative comments and sharing confidential information that I do not want to hear, and that is not appropriate for you to be sharing. You need to stop now."

2. AnonymousAugust 4,2024 at 7:07PM UTC

   Excellent response. Set your boundaries and if you need to, also get up and physically walk away.

3. AnonymousAugust 4,2024 at 5:23PM UTC

   Please buy the "Book of Boundaries" by Melissa Urban, she created the program Whole 30. Urban uses a green / yellow / red approach to setting boundaries. You've actually already taken some of these steps to tell the person you're uncomfortable with their negativity. They're not responding to the kind approach, and your employer clearly has trouble with uncomfortable conversations.

   Your next steps is to kick it up a notch so when the pot-stirrer comes your way with their daily bitch-and-moan session, you could say something like: I've given you notice already that I'm won't be on the receiving end of your negativity. I'm here to help if this is a productive exchange and work related. If this happens again, I'm going to get up and walk away from you and this conversation until we can be more productive in our exchanges.

   If it happens again, you'd resort to something like: I've given you advance notice that I'm physically removing myself from these negative conversations to preserve my own peace. Come find me when you're ready to talk again. And then rinse and repeat.

   You get my drift! Protect your health and wellness at all costs. People like this can drag an entire team down, and frequently, the manager is desperately trying to avoid uncomfortable conversations. Set your own boundaries, you can do this!

4. AnonymousAugust 4,2024 at 5:48PM UTC

   I would position my response "I'm really struggling and need your help. I need to reduce all negativity and stressful information. Cam you please help me figure out ways to cut down on my stress. And let her speak.

   Then in the future feel free to put up your hand when she starts, and say "I'm sorry, I can't hear this right now'.

   Also, take breaks and lunch on walks and outside alone with headphones. Listen to uplifting podcasts, music and books.

5. AnonymousAugust 4,2024 at 8:25PM UTC

   This negative colleague could care less about the OP’s stress level and has no interest in reducing her angst.

6. AnonymousAugust 4,2024 at 8:55PM UTC

   OP doesn't want to upset negative colleague or cause any friction. So what would you suggest?

7. AnonymousAugust 5,2024 at 2:13PM UTC

   I suggest that the OP is only responsible for herself in the workplace. She's simply not on deck to tip-toe around the negative colleague. She's also not responsible for maintaining the peace.

8. AnonymousAugust 6,2024 at 3:03PM UTC

   Oh but she is. Reread post and don't project onto OP. she was pretty clear.

9. AnonymousAugust 5,2024 at 12:36PM UTC

   When she comes by pretend you're about to take a call works wonders she will get the memo..say you're going to the toilet or express how busy you are and that youll catch up later and never do

10. Madeline M.August 5,2024 at 1:07PM UTC

    We all have those in the work place. You’ll have to muster up the courage to be direct letting the person know ‘you have no opinion on that’ or ‘it’s out of our hands…’ or ‘why are you telling me this?’. Cutting them short mid sentence by getting up and walking away saying ‘let’s talk later I have to handle this or that. Or just stare at them poker face while they are talking then not saying a word, turn around and go back to working. Super awkward, but sooner or later they’ll get the message you don’t want to talk. They obviously don’t care about dumping on you, don’t care if you make them uncomfortable with your silence. Good luck.

11. AnonymousAugust 5,2024 at 2:11PM UTC

    This is a LOT of mental gymnastics to avoid a boundary-setting conversation that the OP is no longer participating in negative exchanges with this person. The OP is under NO obligation to craft a false narrative as to why they can't engage with this negative coworker. Meeting prep, using jazzy words to create a false story...my god, just say NO!

12. Colleen HansonAugust 5,2024 at 2:43PM UTC

    This situation brings back some terrible memories for me! I worked with a similar type of person many years ago. She was always negative and would share very personal information with me that I did not care to hear! I tried to close my door and she complained to our Supervisor that I was "unavailable"; we did two completely different jobs, there was nothing she would ever need to consult with me on. I tried to tell her I was busy, which I usually was, and would continue working while she talked so she complained to our Supervisor that I was "not very friendly". I would excuse myself to use the restroom; she would follow and talk away about this person, that person, etc. Nothing I did worked. I went to our Supervisor and let her know that I was far too busy to have to be dealing with this on a daily basis and that it was affecting my concentration. I got told to "be her friend, that's all she wants". I tried to be kind and then she started inviting me to go do things outside of work. I was a single mother and commuted an hour each way to work. I barely had time for myself after work; I was a parent first. I explained that to her and apologized. I kid you not, she went to our Supervisor again and I got told to "make time for her at least one evening a week", yes, my Supervisor told me that I needed to socialize with her at least one night a week because she needs "friends". I explained to my Supervisor that it was simply not possible for me to do that and that my personal time is my personal time; they had no right to try to dictate what I do during non-work hours. I was threatened with termination if I refused. So, I tried to hang out with her on a weekend evening, mind you, she lived over an hour away. Her idea of fun was answering the door in her "jammies", bottles and bottles of wine on the coffee table, and insisting on a "slumber party". I explained that I lived too far away and would not be drinking and driving and again, I was a single parent so there was no way I could stay for a "slumber party". She was a woman in her 40's! She came completely unglued, told me I ruined the whole night and I might as well just leave then, so I did. The next Monday I was called into the Supervisors office, yet again, and told that I was being "written up" for being unfriendly with a co-worker and "insubordination" for not following their instructions. I challenged the write up and went above the Supervisors head and while ultimately the Directors agreed with me, I could no longer continue working in that environment so I resigned. It was miserable!!! I really feel for you!

13. AnonymousAugust 5,2024 at 3:01PM UTC

    That is wild!! I'm sorry that happened to you, as if working full time as a single parent isn't enough stress. Glad you got away from it.

14. AnonymousAugust 5,2024 at 7:01PM UTC

    I'm glad you got out of that situation. It sounds like this coworker of your was your bosses pet and she was protecting her for some reason.

15. Rebecca MillikenAugust 6,2024 at 12:48PM UTC

    Wow! I'm glad you aren't at that job anymore. What a weird situation.

16. AnonymousAugust 5,2024 at 3:03PM UTC

    Is this a joke???

    Literally do NOT do this. This seems insane.

17. AnonymousAugust 5,2024 at 10:07PM UTC

    Totally agree, horrible advice!

18. AnonymousAugust 5,2024 at 11:17PM UTC

    Try responding directly and succinctly “I’m only interested in positive conversations about work”. Then repeat or grey rock until they go away.

19. AnonymousAugust 6,2024 at 12:39AM UTC

    I had a work situation similar to yours. One of my co workers was negative and complaining about everything- her work, management, coworkers. She was also supposed to train me on some of her duties but was always too busy to do so. I made management aware that she was not training me hoping something would change by them talking to her. It soon became apparent that this wasn't going to happen as she was a long term employee so I resigned for my own mental health.

20. AnonymousAugust 6,2024 at 7:29AM UTC

    I had similar experiences working in a "helping profession" where I experienced burnout and like you colleagues who were putting their problems on my shoulders.

    I changed workplace twice but always met people who would use me or treat me very badly at work. I understand know that it was because of my lack of clear boundaries and that's because I was going through a lot. I tend to be a people-pleaser and put others before my wellbeing. This never works. So I guess for you it's time to put some boundaries in place. You could tell your coworker that you are willing to talk to her only on professional level. Next time she comes to your desk to use you as her doormat tell her with a calm voice that her negative attitude is impacting you and that you can't hear this kind of talk anymore but that she has to find someone else who is willing to listen to her because you are not. Mention that you would talk to the supervisor and tell him everything this person is gossiping around.

    A book I can highly recommend is Boundaries by Dr. Cloud and Dr. Townsend.

    Good luck!

21. LindawerAugust 6,2024 at 12:11PM UTC

    It’s what headsets are made for. I will put my headset on to make it look like I’m in a meeting (zoom or teams) even when I’m not.

22. AnonymousAugust 6,2024 at 1:59PM UTC

    This is a very passive and inappropriate way to handle a situation like this. It also will not work.

23. AnonymousAugust 6,2024 at 12:49PM UTC

    Some thoughts: you could try saying, "Oh, hey, I'm sorry, I don't really have time to chat now. I'm in the middle of something," when she comes by--you are there to work after all. You could also try saying to her after a negative story, "That sounds very difficult. Unfortunately, it's outside my scope of work. Have you considered bringing your concerns to X, Y, and Z relevant people?" and see how that goes. HR hasn't done anything because, technically, she isn't doing anything wrong. She's not harassing you, she isn't breaking the law, they can't make her stop talking to you until her behavior borders on one of those two.

24. AnonymousAugust 6,2024 at 2:13PM UTC

    Omg, stop apologizing! There’s nothing to be sorry about and it’s not on the OP fir her to resolve this curmudgeon’s negativity

25. AnonymousAugust 7,2024 at 12:52PM UTC

    OMG, it's not me to account for how YOU a random person on the Internet may read way too closely into a comment I made on a post trying to be helpful. Holy shit.

26. Katheryn MAugust 6,2024 at 12:49PM UTC

    I would suggest trying something like: "Hey, we've talked before about trying to keep our conversations more positive. When our conversations focus a lot on complaints about work, it affects my mood and productivity. Can we agree to avoid discussing these negative topics and focus on more positive or solution-oriented conversations instead? I appreciate your understanding."

    Look up the grey rock technique. I would suggest minimally engaging in any conversations where they are complaining following you setting the boundary, Keep gray rocking and asserting your boundary. They'll get the point that you won't engage if they continue to complain and sow discontentment.

27. AnonymousAugust 6,2024 at 12:54PM UTC

    Instead of pushing your colleague away, use those moments to impart positivity. Remind her how fortunate she is to have a job, as many qualified people are still seeking employment. When she shares confidential information, gently remind her of its confidentiality.

    It might require some effort, but it will be worthwhile for both of you. Remember, pushing her away could humiliate her and create a silent enemy.

28. AnonymousAugust 6,2024 at 1:42PM UTC

    You don't need to tell her to shut up, just... Tell her "I'm not interested in this". You are allowed to be dry in order to set boundries. Friendliness didn't work out so far, so cut her off before she says anthing.

29. AnonymousAugust 6,2024 at 2:22PM UTC

    If none of the benevolent advices to spread your positivity works, if negativity is her core identity, go for grey rock method and document and report in the light of her bad impact on your work environment or risk to low down your productivity.

30. AnonymousAugust 6,2024 at 2:28PM UTC

    I have had a few of those. If affected me to the point that I almost lost my job because I became just like them. I decided that I wasn't going to let them take my job from me so I did a 180. When they would talk to me about an issue, I would tell them who they should speak with about it. If they didn't want to, I simply told them that there was no sense in complaining if they weren't willing to contribute to the solution.

    I've had a couple of people tell me things they shouldn't have told me and anytime someone tells me "I shouldn't be telling you this", I will respond with "well why are you?" If they try to start, I will tell them that I am immediately going to my supervisor and relaying the information to them because I am not getting in the middle of some potential legal battle if my name somehow gets thrown out in the mix.

    That pretty much stopped it all. Now most conversations are about our kids/grandkids - we are allowed to complain about personal things outside work. We have a motto in our department - Look for the solution in every setback. So far it is working!!!

31. AnonymousAugust 6,2024 at 4:44PM UTC

    As a HR Director, I am very careful how I come across with everyone except a very few people I can trust. I almost always divert topics to safe subjects - the weather, public events, etc. The problem with listening to gossip is the person telling it may drag you in by saying you agreed with them. If you aren't present to hear it they can't implicate you. Sorry its become like that at work but you have to distance yourself and be careful about when you are present.

32. AnonymousAugust 6,2024 at 5:39PM UTC

    There is one in every office or should I say work environment. You can’t control her or her opinions about everything she discusses with you but setting boundaries with subtle hints like changing g the topic to something generic.

33. AnonymousAugust 6,2024 at 8:04PM UTC

    I wanted to add to be sure to protect your wellbeing (personal and professional). Document everything.

    There are great examples of boundary-setting ideas and conversations online- from benign / even fun- to being direct - or even incremental (taking medicine one dose at a time so they actually heal or latch on elsewhere).

    Shore up your supports (whether that's time, mediation practices, going for a walk, friends, therapy, etc.).

    My hope is that this is just a benign interaction - one who gets the hint. Often venters and pot-stirrers are the product of something tolerated in the environment so be observant.

    I also want to add- as it happened to me- be mindful of your personal safety. Sometimes people who cling on to you may take the boundary setting as rejection and may want to punish you (physically or your reputation at work). If they are connected at work, they won't be punished. You may be the target and asked to leave, move departments, etc---which doesn't help with your stress. I'm not saying don't set boundaries. Do. I'm saying be aware as you're taking steps. Some venters are just underserved and making use of a kind ear. Some, not so much.

    If you do boundary-setting, be sure to document, inform your manager (perhaps HR), and never be alone in the parking lot for a bit.

    Good luck.

34. AnonymousAugust 6,2024 at 8:29PM UTC

    I dont know how yall do it... I had a pot stirrer- I just flat out let them know I wasnt with the drama and to leave me alone. Be assertive, not friendly. " do you have anything productive or work related that isnt depressing? no? then leave me alone." Sounds like this person doesnt sign your paycheck so be assertive- and document what they are telling you but Whenever she came to my desk to chat I would just dis engage. I wouldnt acknowledge her, I wouldnt talk to her, I wouldnt look at her. If she persisted I would get up from my desk and go for a walk.

35. AnonymousAugust 7,2024 at 9:36AM UTC

    I've been guilty of this version of venting - because sometimes I think that only other people I work with could understand how things make you feel.

    Could you speak to the person privately outside of work and just say that the behavior is dragging your attitude down - maybe even say that your boss noted that it's YOU who's spending too much time chatting daily? If we're too aggressive (sometimes) people hold it against us in the future.

36. AnonymousAugust 7,2024 at 12:07PM UTC

    She keeps coming to you because you have been stopping to give her the time of day so she's gotten comfortable bashing the company and the people you work with and for to you. If you know that she's coming to see you, tell her "Hi, I need to get my work done/I'm in the middle of a big assignment with high stakes/Nice to see you, unfortunately I can't talk right now/etc." and then focus on your work. If necessary and appropriate, wear noise-cancelling headphones when she shows up. Be too busy to talk to her.

37. Jodie JohnsonAugust 7,2024 at 1:03PM UTC

    I just wanted to quickly add that this such behavior, of wasting your time at work with her nonsense rhetoric at the workplace, is in fact a passive-aggressive means of workplace bullying. I'm really sorry you're encountering this.

38. Tiana MumfordAugust 7,2024 at 1:07PM UTC

    Good day,

    Be honest with her in a professional manner, bounce it back on her or simply tell you that you do not want to hear it. Explain to her if you will that you have your own issues. Good luck it will work out.

39. AnonymousAugust 7,2024 at 2:25PM UTC

    I have a no-fail strategy for this. I get up from my desk and I say, walk with me to the kitchen. On the walk to the kitchen. I’ll interject with some general weather statements, make myself busy with making a coffee and will try to redirect the convo to interact with the folks that are usually standing at the coffee bar. There is almost always someone there. I’ll say, oh hey- have you met X person. Or say, I don’t believe we’ve met. It’s a quick polite thing. And it totally redirects the convo. And the other person is thrilled to meet a new person.

    A little tough love: In life and in work we often find ourselves in conversations that we don’t want to be in. It’s key to maintaining sanity (and privacy) that we know how to manage them. My grandma used to say “just because a person asks you a question— it doesn’t mean that you have to answer.” So I suggest the subtle art of redirecting. Further, You can’t expect HR to manage this person for you. This is a simple matter that doesn’t rise to harassment (which is where HRs scope begins). You’ve got to be able to manage folks yourself.

40. Angela MasonAugust 7,2024 at 5:57PM UTC

    A guy friend who worked in HR, once had a desk plate that read, "I hate people!" LOL

    What you must do to protect your emotional health is to stop the person, directly ask, "Is this related to my work?" and proceed to focus on your work.
    Practice it until you convey the message. Some people are so self absorbed, they don't realize their actions.
    Forgive yourself for internalizing the nonsense. Your health is paramount.

41. AnonymousAugust 7,2024 at 8:20PM UTC

    I have a friendly face, so I understand your dilemma. Its unfortunate that she comes to your desk, which makes this energy vampire hard to avoid.

    Here's a few things that have worked for me:

    *Do you have a trusted colleague that isn't too far away from your desk? They can ring your extension when they see her coming your way or is parked at your desk.

    *Give them no more than 2 minutes at your desk. As soon as that's up, say: I have a report to hand over before (*insert time*) today, is there something I can help you with? Otherwise I really need this time to focus.

    *Headphones, nose to monitor and deep concentration on your face.

    *When you see them coming your way, make eye contact before they reach your desk and mouth while shaking your head: No, it's not a good time. (for dramatic effect, put your phone to your ear).

    *When you see them, get up from your desk and grab your mug or Stanley and walk towards them. Steer them away from your desk and cut them off before they say anything, you could say something like: Uff, I'm so far behind on (*insert task*), I'm so busy that I forgot to get my (*insert beverage choice). Did you need something? No? You say okay and keep walking. Yes? Ask her to put it in an email and when she needs it by.

    *This last one, is meant to set a clear boundary when subtle hints are no longer effective: Hey, listen...I think it's time for me to set some boundaries. I feel like you ignored our conversation about how your comments are having a negative impact on my (productivity, attitude, performance, etc.). I don't want to hear (*A,B,C*), so let me be clear. This kind of talk is not contributing to a healthy work environment. So either let's just change the subject or if I feel you're heading down a path that I don't want to go down, I'm just going to walk away. Is that fair?

    Assertion is confrontational and in your own words, you strive to be the opposite. How you handled this situation in the past used civility. You can only have civility if respect is mutual, so you have to put yourself in the mindset to demand respect, if you decide to go this route.
    Wishing you all the best!

42. ChrishoggAugust 8,2024 at 2:25AM UTC

    You’ve gone to your supervisor and you’ve gone to HR with no results, so now it’s on you to manage this yourself. Follow this script like a robot, for a week (or however long it takes) and do not deviate, not even one word.

    Colleague (C): “Hi You. I know you’re busy, but this is important and it will only take a minute (or anything else … ANYTHING … that (C) says to you).”

    You (Y): EVERY SINGLE TIME (C) approaches your desk, no matter what (C) says to you, you ask: “Does this have anything to do with what I’m working on?”

    SCENARIO 1: (C) says yes, you ask what it is, and the moment, the very moment, (C) deviates from a work-that-effects-you statement or conversation, even if you have to interrupt (C) mid-sentence, you say, “I’m sorry, I don’t have time for this,” you return to what you were doing, and you totally and completely ignore (C), and continue with what you were doing.

    SCENARIO 2: You ask if this has to do with the work you are doing, and (C) says, “No actually it doesn’t, but….” and you IMMEDIATELY cut them off in mid-sentence, and say, “I’m sorry, I don’t have time for this,” you return to what you were doing, and you totally and completely ignore them, and continue with what you were doing.

    Here’s the key: No matter what they do, the instant you see that the conversation does not touch on your work, you say the magic words, “I’m sorry, I don’t have time for this,” you return to what you were doing, and you totally and completely ignore them, and continue with what you were doing.

    If the person says anything after that, anything, you simply repeat the words and ignore them. If they don't say anything but continue to stand there, just ignore them. And if they stand there all day, when it comes time to quit, just get up and go home ... without speaking to them at all.

    If this seems too much, find someone you can role-play with once or twice before starting, and have your friend try to say anything they can think of until you can consistently say the magic words. And if you fail with (C) the first couple of times, no sweat, just keep trying and you'll get it.

43. AyianAugust 9,2024 at 9:45AM UTC

    This right here is the correct response. You've already had a conversation, so the coworker knows what that need to know and is not applying it. This modification to interactions will create professional and personal distance, dissuading them from bothering you.

44. Regina BrownAugust 9,2024 at 3:03AM UTC

    Well, at this point, you have to be obvious...when she comes to your desk, you will have to excuse yourself and take a walk. She will soon "get the hint" and leave you alone.

45. AnonymousAugust 9,2024 at 6:58PM UTC

    been there.. it is toxic. Be straight, again, to the point. She might not be happy, and you might not be thrilled, but you need your job, and she needs to lose the negative nancy attitude.

46. AnonymousAugust 9,2024 at 10:09PM UTC

    That's a tough one, especially if you aren't wanting to be unkind to them. Sounds like she's more lonely and unhappy than just wanting to be a "pot stirrer." She may be lack good observation skills and not realize you aren't as keen to be friends with her as she may be with you. For some ppl any type of positive acknowledgement is "friendship" to them. You've stated you've had conversations with your supervisor & HR, but not with her as of yet, correct? Perhaps a kind but direct approach could be taken. Something like the next time she approaches say "hey, I know things here at work are troubling you, and I wish I could be of better help to you. With the amount of work on my plate and things I'm navigating I'm not sure if I'm the best person to vent with. I appreciate your trust in my opinion's but honestly, these things just add to my own stress and I think it would be best if I'm not a part of these type of conversations for a while. I enjoy chatting with you, but lets keep things brief." ... or something along these lines. Let your heart be gentle but your words firm. ;)

47. Teri MungerAugust 10,2024 at 4:26PM UTC

    Sounds like boundaries are in order. Establish them and make clear what the consequences are when they are ignored and crossed.

48. Shannon RoseAugust 11,2024 at 3:56PM UTC

    I too am having issues with this at my job lately. There are a few people that I work with that seem to like to complain, bad mouth, and just gossip about either the company and/or other various employees. They also like to tell me everything about their personal woes and private life. This is not something that I choose to engage in for obvious reasons, as nothing good can come of it. To make my point, there is another employee with whom I got along with until one day, several weeks ago, she began acting oddly towards me. She started ignoring me and not communicating with me while on site, which is extremely important, as we operate heavy equipment. It came to my attention just last week that someone had told her that I was trying to get management to fire her and that I was gunning for her. LoL! WoW! Of course, this took me back because it is absolutely untrue. Now, I am the type of person to speak up and tackle ignorance head on, which is exactly what I did. I told her that I wish she would have just asked me to begin with and this whole thing could have been handled and avoided. I of course went and asked the individuals whom I am pretty sure are the ones stirring if they had heard anything/know anything about it. The one individuals reaction and response said it all. I hate to go to my operations manager for stupid/childish things like this, however, I have been the target of behavior like this before and if left to run a muck, it can seriously affect ones livelihood. It is disgustingly petty and just shady manipulation. I do not have the patience for stupid games like this. Needless to say, it is going to be pretty awkward for people come Monday because people do not enjoy being called out on their stupid B.S. I will be damned if someone puts my job at risk because they want to play ignorant games.

49. LORI-ANN BURLINGAMEAugust 11,2024 at 3:58PM UTC

    You need to set boundaries. Unfortunately, many people view kindness as a weakness -- and it's not. Let you coworker know in a firm but professional manner that you prefer not to discuss company matters and prefer to focus on your work. Stay Strong!