Bad boss or is something more nefarious going on?

100 Comments

1. AnonymousSeptember 18,2021 at 12:19PM UTC

   My review last year was a high 4 out of a possible 5. they average all the scores.

   Each time I receive positive feedback, I send it to him.

   I sent him messages 2 months before my annual review with a list of folks who OFFERED to participate in my annual review. (I helped some people learn a new skill. Helped another close a deal. Etc). He sat on that for 2 months and now my review is late.

   When he finally set the review window he only gave people 1 week. For execs. That’s insane. On top of all our work, trainings, mentoring, handling escalation issues. No one can do anything in a week!

   He’s done everything that a manager would do who is trying to stop my promotion.

   My boss could have screened out all the good stuff and left only things that relate to his beliefs.

2. BeaBoss979975September 19,2021 at 8:10PM UTC

   {{{{{Hugs}}}}} You will get through this and come out on top. There is a lot of great advice on this thread and I wish you a speedy and positive resolution, most likely in another job.

3. AnonymousSeptember 18,2021 at 5:49PM UTC

   Is he for real?????

   I think he wants you out as he has a friend, colleague to take your job. I've been where you are.

   They don't have the guts to be honest: I like her,(too bad for a new person) or not a good fit and rather than be compassionate, start drama.

   Not sure how long you have been there or je has, but might be time for a new start for you

4. Nikita WeinbergSeptember 19,2021 at 12:10PM UTC

   I'm not sure if he's a bad boss or not. And THIS IS GOING TO SING...if HR gave him info, you're fighting more than one entity and it may be time to look for another position. If you're as loved as you say, THAT would scream echos more than whatever he is talking about. If you're OK asking for specific examples and then RECOMMENDATIONS from your boss, so that. But it sounds like you may have another emotional trigger and they'll try to fire you. THIS is the paper trail starting. I've not only seen this but have had to be the ignitor of such paperwork. I'm so sorry ?

5. AnonymousSeptember 19,2021 at 12:24PM UTC

   Quit.

6. BethBSeptember 19,2021 at 12:32PM UTC

   First, can we acknowledge that there appears to be no need for him to do this over a holiday weekend. What was so urgent it couldn’t wait until Tuesday? Nothing. To me that says someone wants to get their ducks in a row. It is also odd that this doesn’t seem to be an official complaint since it doesn’t sound like it was in writing. Or was it since you think HR is padding your file. If so then you should have the opportunity to have it in writing that you respectfully disagree and believe that much of what was discussed is incorrect.
   Yes, this is a bad boss, it is also something more because he is allowed to do this. Can you transfer departments if you can’t get a promotion?
   It sounds like you should also be ready to jump before you are pushed.

7. AnonymousSeptember 20,2021 at 3:27AM UTC

   Correct. The boss did not put it in writing. I even asked int he session—- what kind of conversation are we having. Are you firing me? Are you open to putting me on a pip? To this day, he has not put this feedback in writing for me to see.

8. AnonymousSeptember 19,2021 at 12:36PM UTC

   It seems to me your boss was very uncomfortable giving this review. From personal experience it is hard and awkward to give a bad review or tell someone that they are not going to get a promotion when you like the person. It sounds like to me the main reason why you didn’t get this promotion is because of the past incident and you are now considered a “liability “. They are protecting themselves against potential claims and believe it or not you to,
   With the way the work force is now with all the claims of bullying, harassment and racism it would only take one employee to file a complaint and then it would get messy. My advice to you is that if you want to further your career you will need to do that at a different company and start out fresh. If you chose to stay there then realize you will not move forward.

9. AnonymousSeptember 20,2021 at 1:08PM UTC

   But this seems incredibly unfair to hold a past incident against the OP. Particularly in this situation since she was the victim in the prior incident (a claim was made on their behalf - not that a claim was made against them). It would be like "Oh, hey. I know that you were targeted for sexual harassment and we handled that. But now, three years later, we're going to use that against you."

10. AnonymousSeptember 20,2021 at 10:58PM UTC

    Yes, it is unfair to hold the past against someone. Especially when they have grown and changed. But it happens more often then you would imagine.

11. Carissa GordonSeptember 19,2021 at 12:44PM UTC

    Regardless of any other factors, your boss being a bad boss, your interactions with current co-workers, etc... if HR gave him negative information from your history with the company then you need to be looking for a new position elsewhere. Your boss may have delivered the information poorly, but HR wouldn't have given him that information unless a current report was made about you and it related to your past incident(s). Regardless of how inaccurate their account of events was, their perception is their reality and its time to leave. I'm sorry you're going through this.

12. AnonymousSeptember 20,2021 at 3:25AM UTC

    A piece of context to clarify here. A claim was made on behalf of the poster. It wasn’t a claim against her behavior.

13. Laura ProchaskaSeptember 19,2021 at 12:52PM UTC

    It seems like you are being managed out. I would start looking ASAP.

14. AnonymousSeptember 19,2021 at 1:17PM UTC

    Disagree. Don’t jump ship without doing more investigating.

15. AnonymousSeptember 19,2021 at 12:59PM UTC

    I am so sorry your boss is doing this. I’m a fan of breaking a situation like this down into tracks of work. From what you mentioned you basically have a war on 3 fronts -
    1. Your boss - clearly he has it in for you and is stacking a case to get you either fired or to quit. I’d follow up with him from that session and ask to see what was submitted in writing for your review. I’d also get your resume together and start talking to a head hunter and your network.
    2. HR - IF HR is really involved, it’s serious. I do find it interesting that they weren’t directly involved in the feedback session so that seems sketchy - you need to talk to your HR rep.
    3. Your colleagues - I’d reach out to a couple of your most trusted mentors/ senior leaders and share what happened in confidence. Is there something else political going on within the company or your department that they could help you see?

    Best of luck to you. Even though this is a crappy situation you are going to learn so much of what NOT to do as a leader which will make you even better at your job. please remember that :-)

16. Mary KerdashaSeptember 19,2021 at 1:07PM UTC

    I am sorry that this is happening to you. It does seem like something more nefarious is going on, which is what you suspected. For your boss to have the information on an old HR file, lets you know more than one department is involved in this review. I would start looking for another position, and see if you cannot get a good personal recommendation from a colleague.

17. Tamara WebbSeptember 19,2021 at 1:09PM UTC

    Let this be a lesson to ALL individuals that have this sensation to lower, degrade another individual: Have fun; It usually won’t last long!

18. AnonymousSeptember 19,2021 at 1:16PM UTC

    Do you like this job? Do you want to stay in it? Then don’t follow the advice on here and immediately plan to leave. If you’ve done nothing wrong, why would you do that? First, recognize that what your boss did was wrong, unprofessional and an example of poor leadership. Second, determine if any of what he said was true. If so, was it objective and actionable feedback? Take objective and actionable feedback to heart and make changes. Third, schedule a confidential meeting with HR to review your file and determine what and how information is being shared about you. If there are things in the file that are false and need to be addressed write it up and submit it. Finally, meet again with your manager. Practice radical honesty and tell him you took his objective and actionable feedback to heart and want to discuss it further along with your review of your HR file. Ask him to give you an overview of the evaluation of your work and his plans ( if any) for your promotion. If , after all of this, things still are subjective and borderline abusive - look for another job confidently knowing you investigated this the best way possible and the organization (not you) is at fault.

19. AnonymousSeptember 19,2021 at 1:20PM UTC

    Sometimes a post hads hints that Ieave me wanting to know the other side of the story. This is one.

    For some reason your boss doesn't like you. He provided several specific scenarios which you deny. Why would he do that?

    Whether or not they are true, you are being targeted so you need to find a new job ASAP. Somewhere along the line (that old HR documented incident?) you inadvertently pissed someone off and they want you gone.

    Take the time to consider what your boss told you. Are there any elements of truth or learning opportunities? Truth is oddly relative and a matter of perspective...you each view your behaviors from your respective lenses. He's claiming there's a pattern of emotional behavior. Try to view it from his perspective. Could your behavior have been perceived as unprofessional? Consider. Reflect. And find a new job. There's no happy outcome here.

20. AnonymousSeptember 20,2021 at 1:54AM UTC

    I get why you would say that. It seems too extreme to be true. For sure. It’s also worth noting that my boss listed several scenarios. Not a single one was fact. He could not explain a single one.

21. AnonymousSeptember 20,2021 at 7:09PM UTC

    Then you definitely are targeted, for whatever reason he and someone in HR do not like you-- or at least you in your role-- so you are being pushed out. I second everyone's recommendation about document document document and fight. But while you're fighting, maybe start that job search too.

22. Suraya NgobeniSeptember 19,2021 at 1:22PM UTC

    I am sorry you going through this, I don't think his being a bad boss, he just had to be honest with, perhaps his approach wasn't the best. You now have to decide if you want to remain in the company or look for something else.

23. AnonymousSeptember 19,2021 at 1:30PM UTC

    Yes, this was a crappy way to handle giving you feedback. Maybe even illegal.
    What struck me is that you think you’re entitled to a promotion because you’re a good performer and everyone likes you. You said you’re a top performer- is thus based on your perception or objective data you have access to? Many people, if not all, think they deserve a promotion / but you have to remember your organization has limited resources for a promotion and that there are likely many good performers in the team. He may just be scrambling for reasons for not being able to promote you this year. It may have nothing to do with you in fact.

24. Raymond JenningsSeptember 19,2021 at 1:38PM UTC

    If your boss doesn't like you, your job is already in jeopardy.

    Any time shenanigans like this happen it means something shady is going on, and either the ship is sinking or there's a conspiracy against you.

    Either way you're screwed and you need to bail ASAP.

    There's no salvaging this and you need to turn tail and find a new job before they sabotage your career.

    The fact that people above you are cooking up rumors means that someone's getting ready to throw you under the bus.

    It is NEVER acceptable to fabricate information in an HR context, and any company that does so is a toxic work place that you need to leave.

25. Karen lindquistSeptember 19,2021 at 1:41PM UTC

    Major red flag of something off kilter to have a boss demand to see you on any weekend that you dont work, and especially a holiday weekend. I feel bad contacting my employees during weekends but sometimes have to because that’s when i do payroll and billing and they dont always write down necessary info. And I still feel bad contacting them. It’s off limits to dump work stuff on people when they arent on the clock. And even salaried people have a right to be off the clock off hours.
    I would pursue info at a higher level if possible, and ask for documentation and why this is all suddenly important to discuss on a holiday weekend.

26. Judy McMillanSeptember 19,2021 at 1:45PM UTC

    I'm retired now, but years ago, in my first job as a school counselor, I worked half a day in one school and half a day in another. I ticked the principal off in one of those schools when I followed the directives of Child Protective Services instead of her when a student came to me with indications of abuse or neglect. She wanted me to tell her all about it so she could decide if it was something that should be reported, whereas CPS had a strict rule against doing that and required that counselors report directly to them for investigation, not to their principals. She set me up in a similar way to the way you describe yourself being set up. Sat me down in her office, marched people into her office to tell me how I had a personality disorder for one made up scenario after another, and almost caused me to have a nervous breakdown in the aftermath. I will tell you what the principal in the other school I worked at told me and what was one of the things that kept me sane as I regrouped and found a better working environment for myself: "It was a set up. This is a way bosses try to keep employees in line. It's all in this book," and he picked up a book titled something like 'Leadership Skills for Principals", which was certainly a joke. My advice is to either speak to someone higher up who can help you get into another place in the organization where you will be appreciated or find another job somewhere else. What you describe is toxic. I would make an educated guess that whatever you did to get on the wrong side of your boss, you didn't deserve to be approached like that and half of it was made up.

27. Shelby CSeptember 19,2021 at 3:57PM UTC

    Great advice. I am glad you got away from that.

    I had an employer tell me I would be fired if I called in abuse and neglect to CPS. She said she would handle it. I looked at her and asked what part of being a Mandatory Reporter she didn't get?

    Two years ago I reported a child that ended up in the Burn ICU in our local hospital because he had matches, fireworks, and gas. He was five and spent all of First Grade in the BICU. When I reported it to CPS they were incensed because not one employee from the hospital called and he was in foster care.

    Once a Mandatory Reporter, always a Mandatory Reporter.

28. AnonymousSeptember 20,2021 at 3:19AM UTC

    Wow. That is illuminating.

29. ShutingSeptember 19,2021 at 1:51PM UTC

    Totally agree with Karen. It's a major red flag.

    Calling you for an "emergency meeting" on a holiday weekend is bad enough, the emotional accusations are much worse, and then the head of HR is also involved...? I doubt he would calm down and hear your reasonings, at least at the moment, as he already went through the trouble to talk with HR regarding his discrimination against you and find the "evidence" he believes he could use to accuse you.

    It would be best if you could bring this up to higher level, and you should keep all of the conversations on record so that, if you decide to sue for compensation, you have all the evidence you need. Also, you may want to consult an employment lawyer just in case.

    Good luck!

30. Rosaline GibbonsSeptember 19,2021 at 1:52PM UTC

    It sounds like two things. 1. They want to let you go but don’t want to fire you so they want you to resign on your own, which will save them from Unemployment. 2. They don’t want to give you a promotion so they had to come up with an excuse for not giving you one. Thank him for his feedback and plan to leave but get a new job before you leave. He couldn’t wait until after the holiday weekend, three days ? I would maybe give him a week notice, nothing more. I wish you the best!

31. rgstaffing@bellsouth.netSeptember 19,2021 at 2:25PM UTC

    I think this is something certainly to be very concerned about. The fact that your boss called you on a holiday weekend and has been to HR sounds to me that he is documenting. I would do one of three things or do all of them--I would ask him if you are getting ready to be terminated based upon this call or I would go directly to HR and tell them that you were called on a holiday weekend and you are not sure why you were called or I would update your resume and make sure that you can reach your references.
    And I would stop throwing around words like "being targeted, prejudice, and HR padding your file". I would find out the facts and the nature and reason for this call.

32. CareeSeptember 19,2021 at 2:28PM UTC

    Two things. First, I think he set you up (weekend, harsh intro to the conversation, etc) to get an "emotional" response from you. Second, he's gaslighting you to make you feel insecure to the point where you start to question your own ability and sanity. Start preparing yourself to be let go. You upset him at some point. Is he jealous of you or worried that you could do his job? Just some things to think about.

    Good, talented people get fired all the time. It happened to me on Friday, actually. The reason? Excessive tardiness was the reason I was given, and by excessive they mean ONE TIME in three months. The real reason, though, is that my boss became jealous and threatened. I was invited to speak at an event. From that point on, she treated me differently.

    Sorry this is happening. It really isn't right

33. AnonymousSeptember 19,2021 at 2:40PM UTC

    You are so right. I wish someone would have told me this when it was happening to me. Many times supervisors/bosses/even other co-workers are often threatened by folks like us who are overachieving and well liked by everyone. I’ve also noticed that those bosses that are like this are often loathed by everyone else at the company.
    Good advice to prepare yourself to get fired. Have that resume ready

34. AnonymousSeptember 19,2021 at 5:40PM UTC

    Literally, read this article earlier today (re: your point on the weekend intro) - https://tinyurl.com/pxevbr94

35. AnonymousSeptember 19,2021 at 6:13PM UTC

    True. I developed a trauma response from my former supervisor's " Hey, you got a minute?" ?

36. AnonymousSeptember 20,2021 at 1:02PM UTC

    Yes! Holy panic attack. And my boss does this all the time. Or scheduling a meeting with next to no notice and no info regarding what it's for.

37. KathySeptember 19,2021 at 2:43PM UTC

    Male bosses that have issues dealing with competent women often blame 'emotional' and communication issues as reasons why women are incompetent.

    You say the words yourself, you are a "top performer who is well liked by peers, leadership and clients" This man feels that you will usurp him and as the other commenters said, is hoping to make you quit. He may try to put you on a Performance Improvement Plan to generate a paper trial to justify firing you.

    Get out which you can. Find a new job.

38. AnonymousSeptember 19,2021 at 3:12PM UTC

    I agree with this 100%. I literally just left a position that ticked many of the boxes that you listed in your initial post. I documented everything as I have been a manager before and I knew where the meetings and questions were going. I started looking and found a new opportunity. I was able to leave before it got too far down the road. He was (the only word I can think of is) enraged. His abuse ramped up even further and I was able to leave earlier than my notice because of his abuse. I just wanted to not be there any longer even though I had plenty of documentation to sue.

    I wish you the best of luck and I hope you get a much better situation.

39. AnonymousSeptember 20,2021 at 8:41PM UTC

    I have just been through this too and I’m saddened to read how many of us have! Female competence, confidence and popularity hits a nerve with some men. The “yes girls” at my work blocked me when I raised a grievance for bullying behaviour. My husband is a lawyer, so thankfully I wasn’t alone in being able to weather a complaint (but it has still been a draining process). I had a manager who began targeting me when I had my babies. Even late in my pregnancies he was still picking at me. I had a good manager before him and I liked my job and loved my colleagues (I was also a manager). I wish I never chose to stick it out under someone so calculating with such low EQ. We lost multiple high performers during a culture review that kicked off when many more complained. He is still working there and I have been on special leave for months while awaiting an outcome. The mind boggles. My advice is to get out now and keep your dignity intact. If you choose to start pushing you may wind up in a lengthy process causing a lot of bitterness. Never let it define you either.

40. BeaBoss645203September 19,2021 at 2:44PM UTC

    I feel sorry for you . It sounds like they are getting ready to let you go and that he has HR behind him. Please prepare yourself and if you need work right away , please start searching - at least you kind of know what is going on and it will not come as a total shock. Your boss is upset at you over something and has taken the steps. Best of luck

41. rgstaffing@bellsouth.netSeptember 19,2021 at 6:27PM UTC

    I totally agree with this. Also, do you know if you live in a right to hire/fire state?

42. AnonymousSeptember 20,2021 at 1:02AM UTC

    Is that determined by where the company is head quartered?

43. Focused721350September 19,2021 at 3:04PM UTC

    Good Morning,
    OPEN YOUR EYES!!!! What! Is he a SHRINK??? He's doing all this garbage on purpose. Probably so you quit or he's got someone lined up for your promotion. Either way! Keep records of everything and look into a lawyer.
    HE'S EMOTIONALLY ABUSIVE!!!!

44. AnonymousSeptember 19,2021 at 3:13PM UTC

    Start looking for another job as soon as possible. Yes, he is targeting you and looking for reasons to let you go.

45. Emilia AllisonSeptember 19,2021 at 3:18PM UTC

    That just happened to me. Get out now on your own terms.

46. Shelby CSeptember 19,2021 at 3:48PM UTC

    Former Head of HR chiming in here:

    My head is spinning on this one. I must be confused. Are we still in Kansas?

    He called an "emergency" meeting over a holiday weekend to berate you over the phone? In what realm of reality is that appropriate? Even after hours on a weekday that would not be acceptable. Your time is just that - yours. You don't owe him or the company anything.

    WHO is unprofessional? If anyone had the right to be emotional, you would after a meeting like that. Holy inappropriateness!

    I used to hate having to clean up after people like him. They often felt self-entitled and didn't think they needed to discuss anything with HR, so it was like the elephants were running loose at the circus and I was attempting to reign them in while cleaning up their poop!

    I am not sure that I believe that he has spoken with HR or not. You are definitely being targeted by your boss. I believe you have a bad boss that is nefarious. You need to start documenting everything. He could have gotten the information from gossip and made up the rest. Some industries seem to gossip more than others. Aircraft Engineers seem to be the best - especially Stress Engineers. Who wouldn't love being paid to break stuff? ;)

    I would call the DOL and check to see if you can access your employment file. In some states, they are considered company property so they don't have to show them to you. In the state where I live, they have to fork everything over. The trick is that you have to walk down there and catch them off guard, ask to see your file, and to be left alone with it. If they are in on it with him, they will redact/expunge it and you will be able to tell. Things will be whited out and copied. Pages will be out of order. Some documents will have several pages that are older than the others.

    They may even have two files on you and sometimes that is okay, but other times it is when they are attempting to build a case and they don't want everyone that has access to know. I used to have two systems because one was classified, so I didn't want to request that everyone in the building get a security clearance since they all had access to payroll. They didn't have a "Need to Know" either, so whenever FBI, OPM, NCIS, or whatever alphabet soup of the day showed up, I would pull both files for them. One was literally their top secret file. Sometimes it would contain disciplinary actions I or others had taken that were not in the regular personnel files (e.g., failure to comply with any security guidance, termination, viewing certain sites that were not allowed, sending emails that my firewall caught repeatedly even after multiple warnings). How embarrassing does it have to be to know that the entire BOD knows who you are because when I give my quarterly report, I am giving an update and including copies of your emails for the last three months? Apparently, he wasn't embarrassed, he kept sending jokes and I kept sending messages back telling him email was for DoD purposes only.

    I would install Genius Scan (turns images into pdf's so your phone basically becomes a scanner) on my phone and make copies of anything that is untrue and everything that is favorable. If you end up hiring an Attorney and go to discovery, you want to insure all of those favorable reports are still there. If they attempt to terminate you for cause, they won't want to pay you unemployment either. My husband was wrongfully terminated over ten years ago by his BOD and we were able to prove that he was doing an exceptional job - they just wanted someone cheaper that never said no. We won, so they couldn't afford to replace him for months.

    You can also check to see if you live in a one or two-party consent state. If you live in a one-party consent state, you can record all of you conversations without notifying him as long as you are in the conversations. For example, you could have recorded today's call because it was only the two of you speaking; however, if you both go to the same meeting where he is going to be the speaker and you don't say anything that would be illegal because it isn't an exchange between the two of you. Android makes recording calls next to impossible unless you dial out; however, iPhones don't.

    Here are my last thoughts:
    1) Even if everything he had said about you that HR told him is 100% true and his Assistant left because of you without ever speaking to you about your relationship, I would not hold that against you. It would all be in the past, on her for not saying anything, and I would want to judge you on the present. I have seen so many people struggle at one company or in one department, then we move them and they are like different people. Everyone deserves grace. If it was true, he was pre-judging you without ever speaking to you. That would be not fair to either of you.
    2) If you were such a trouble-maker before, why did he want you on his team? Doesn't that make him look like someone that makes poor choices? Really. Why did he even hire you?
    3) He sounds like a jealous, narcissistic ass that doesn't like that you are stealing his "supply". You can avoid that somewhat by saying something like the following when someone compliments you and/or your work (even if he isn't around because it will get back to him), "Oh, thank you! I really appreciate the compliment; however, we are all one great team under Jack Ass's leadership."
    4) Are you up for a promotion? A P&T would be a better option. You need to get away from him before this becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.
    5) It is okay if you speak your mind with us anonymously; however, if you are using words like prejudice and targeted, at work, anywhere within earshot, openly with friends, it needs to stop. Then, you will be proving their point, they are going to Lawyer up, and they will have grounds to dismiss you. Please find a trusted friend, clergy, or Therapist to help you get through this.
    6) Document everything.

47. AnonymousSeptember 20,2021 at 1:01AM UTC

    What’s DOL, BOD, and P&T? I googled it, but there are lot of acronyms for these letters. Haha!

    I don’t think he has any experience as a boss. Would something like that make the company more liable?

48. AnonymousSeptember 20,2021 at 12:28PM UTC

    Based on the context..

    DOL = Department of Labor
    BOD = Board of Directors
    P&T = Promotion and Transfer to a different boss/department so you get away from him.

49. AnonymousSeptember 19,2021 at 3:58PM UTC

    I experienced something very similar. I was told out of the blue that I was abrasive so would not be promoted. I asked for examples and they could give me zero examples. I asked for a meeting with HR and they said they could “gather” examples and that I should go to “therapy” because I was upset. I felt like they were so inappropriate and they were documenting after the fact. I had nothing but positive reviews for the entirety of my time there, but I could see they were pushing me out. There were so many red flags that I ignored. I’m left looking for work now - I agree with others who are saying get out now, it will only get worse from here. I took it for too long and the emotional toll is exhausting.

50. AnonymousSeptember 19,2021 at 4:07PM UTC

    Something similar happened to me also. My suggestion is to document via email to HR and your boss, bcc'ing yourself, what happened, the phone record on your cell that showed he called and how long he was on the phone with you, what was said,, the accusations, your response (now) to them, and take time at the end to highlight your achievements. Request a meeting with them both present to discuss. Be prepared to offer to discuss an exit strategy to maintain a neutral effect on your coworkers and allow you to pass along details of what irons you have in the fire. In return, negotiate a severance and a letter of recommendation. No reason to put a negative mark on your work record. It came out later after this happened to me that they were eliminating my position to show that they reduced overhead to the person the company was being sold to. The company being sold was a secret that only HR, my boss (only because he is friends with HR), the CEO and president had.
    They had to come up with something because I was a few years shy of 50 and the job responsibilities were going to be distributed to inexperienced people in their early 30s and they didn't want a lawsuit for age discrimination.

    Best of luck to you. Get out before you lose your self confidence. I didn't get out soon enough and spent 2 weeks trying to prove I was doing my job. I had a hard time coming back from the abuse I endured the last few weeks before I was let go. Unfortunately my self esteem was so destroyed that I was not in a position to negotiate mutual severance. I was offered a letter stating that I resigned (and their word, nothing on paper, that they would not fight unemployment) or that I was being fired because I didn't meet expectations (so that I would have less problems collecting unemployment). I chose the latter with their word that they would provide a positive recommendation.

51. AnonymousSeptember 19,2021 at 4:26PM UTC

    This whole scenario sounds extremely bizarre. For one thing, what was the necessity and having an emergency meeting of this nature are on a weekend? Are you sure there isn't something else going on? Your boss sounds like a jilted lover assuming this is a male and female work relationship. Regardless the whole scenario sounds completely insane and I would question whether I even wanted to continue working there at all. Keep us posted. I don't care or read anything good in this

52. AnonymousSeptember 20,2021 at 12:49AM UTC

    Yes. There is a kind of weird obsession from my boss. You think he finds me attractive?? Ewwwww.

53. Lori SchmitzSeptember 19,2021 at 4:28PM UTC

    Get out. Now.

54. Jesica SartellSeptember 19,2021 at 4:41PM UTC

    In some states, there is a law that utility companies cannot leave 'shut-off' messages on the day before or on a day during the weekend. That is because the recipient has no recourse for days, can only worry. Managers like he is know the psychology of this (and his statement, "I hope this doesn’t ruin your weekend" is a lie). He knows exactly what he is doing. Shelby's advice is spot on. Keep us posted. You will prevail.

55. AnonymousSeptember 19,2021 at 5:34PM UTC

    This is not a leader. He is a manipulator and definitely a bad boss. I would go to HR regarding HIS behavior and stating that a conversation would hurt you is a deliberate act in order to inflict said hurt.

56. AnonymousSeptember 19,2021 at 5:35PM UTC

    You must work in NYC. I did not have this exact scenario happen to me, but something equally as head-scratching. It is the only place I ever hear horror stories from and as a life-long tenant, I can believe it. I agree with the person who left the "jilted lover" comment, and can definitely relate to it. Unbeknownst to me, I found out later that my former boss had an imaginary scenario playing out in his own head. Get out as soon as you can because this sounds as if it is veering sharply into red flag territory. Then again I could be biased due to my experience and in reality the company is culling any worker whom they think they can get away with terminating before downsizing or to avoid having to dole out a severance package. Best of luck! Keep us posted.

57. Deborah MichaliszynSeptember 19,2021 at 5:56PM UTC

    Seems like phony files and stories are in vogue for abusive employers who want to screw you over and make you leave. this is called "the push". It's a sign from, definitely NOT God, but you employer that they want to legally harrass you, via a performance improvement plan, to get out or else it will get ugly, for you. And just you. It's all one sided, the truth doesn't matter to them, they aren't on your side, unless you can take them to court or human rights, your getting pushed out the door. They will villify you if you stick it out, essentially victim blaming and scapegoat you the while way trying to make to admit to fault. But believe it or not, they won't fire you until they got all the fodder they can. There will be lies heaped on lies, goals that are vague and goal posts will keep moving because they don't want you to succeed. Your set up for failure. If you care about your own emotional health, go. Honestly start applying other places. Shut up and be compliant because if you get mad, your out the door for "your attitude". Every word you say will be twisted and taken out of context and written that way in your HR file. But if you want to make a case against them, document everything, time, date and show a timeline. Before you had great performance reviews. Then After your boss set up a private meeting after work hours,.here's what they did. Record telephone conversations with an app,.go on stress leave if you can or need to. In fact, go now!! See your doc now and cry hard. Get notes constantly because they can't do anything while your on stress leave. They'll try to make it illegitimate though by constantly asking for notes every week or few days so make lots of appointments!!! And while on leave, apply for other jobs like crazy. Go wild. And don't talk to them. Just give them the notes. And whatever you do, always blame them, don't say it's personal. Sat your in a toxic workplace and your boss is verbally or psychologically abusing you and making you work outside work hours without pay. document that too. Just jump to it. And get out asap!!

58. Deborah MichaliszynSeptember 19,2021 at 5:59PM UTC

    This is an emergency. And if you can't see your doc, go to a clinic. Cry your eyes out, shake and act scared. Tell them you can't sleep or eat. Get the note.

59. Deborah MichaliszynSeptember 19,2021 at 6:02PM UTC

    I did this once by the way. And yes they will try to make you come back, to fire you. But just keep doing it. Then you can get some time to fix your resume and apply other places. If you do nothing, all you will get is harrassment to death until your out. Either by a well padded document or you leave. And pack your stuff you need from your desk too. Especially evidence. Take it now. They won't expect you to realize this quickly what's happening.

60. Deborah MichaliszynSeptember 19,2021 at 6:15PM UTC

    Also, what's great about it is while your applying for other jobs, you can tell the interviewer you still work there, so please don't call them. This way you can evade giving a reference. Then....when you get the new job, erase that employer off your resume, clean.

61. Deborah MichaliszynSeptember 19,2021 at 6:22PM UTC

    Oh and last but not least, get references from your colleagues and whoever you can right now. Tell them whatever you need to ensure they don't know your being given the push but your leaving. Like your taking care of a family member on leave (yourself lol), and get their reference. Do this before your boss toxicities things and turns them against you. When people think your going to be fired, they start pulling away and leaving you alone. So that's why you do this fast. Before things worsen.

62. rgstaffing@bellsouth.netSeptember 19,2021 at 6:36PM UTC

    Bad advice about removing this job from resume if she has been there longer than a month or so.

63. Deborah MichaliszynSeptember 20,2021 at 1:08AM UTC

    fine, I see your point. But at least you can smooth it over by moving on quickly.

64. Iheoma Okeke-BanksSeptember 20,2021 at 11:53AM UTC

    The original poster is facing a terrible situation that doesn’t appear to be based in fact, but instead a personal plan to get rid of her by her manager and HR. That said, what you’re suggesting she do here - fake and exaggerated mental health breakdown is wrong and just plain terrible advice. The fact that you’re sharing that you’ve openly used this tactic should be a red flag for everyone on this thread.

65. Audrey KirschSeptember 19,2021 at 6:13PM UTC

    Were you added to this boss's team without his okay? Sounds like he had someone else in mind for your position and is trying to get rid of you. Don't know why HR would be sharing your file or any info involving your past prior to you being on his team. A lot of people are saying you should get out, but I think you should fight back. Don't get hurt, get mad! Calling on the weekend with no written documentation involved is unprofessional and he is counting on you being too emotionally upset to take action. Show him he's messed with the wrong person. You know your worth and deserve to be considered for the promotion so show everyone why.

66. AnonymousSeptember 20,2021 at 12:38AM UTC

    But how?

67. Sandra LangstonSeptember 19,2021 at 6:13PM UTC

    I have come to find out that HR choices about confidential and anonymous, is just a bunch of hooey ( I will spare you the real word). The lesson I learned was that anything is legal, even if they "state" in the policy and procedures that your exit/complaint/corrective action will be only between you and them. Look at the big picture...is it age? are you too smart for someone's liking? whose facts is it, yours or theirs? are their any family members involved? is he just a spineless liar that wants to scoot out of taking responsibility for his actions? It is very important, if you choose to fight this, to develop a lengthy documentation file with days and dates. Old medical thinking here is "if its not documented, it wasn't done" and that should be your frame of reference. Good luck and God speed on your journey. It is deep waters in the work force and hang in there and know you are not alone.

68. AnonymousSeptember 20,2021 at 12:37AM UTC

    It is not age. I am quite young. I get a lot of attention from clients as I am in a highly visible role. The kind of work that I do is somewhat rare abs hard to find. It’s also the companies fastest growing area and has been tagged as the most important. My boss does not work in this area and it is somewhat odd that I report to him.

69. AnonymousSeptember 19,2021 at 6:56PM UTC

    Send a FOIA request to HR (and company attorney) to see your entire file and any specific that was between your boss and HR.

    HR is there to protect the company before any employee.

70. AnonymousSeptember 20,2021 at 12:33AM UTC

    Filing a request for my paperwork, wont that be viewed as an act of aggression and only escalate the diary on and alienate any current supporters in managment? Some management people are in my corner, including the one that matters most. Unless I’ve been naive.

71. AnonymousSeptember 20,2021 at 12:34AM UTC

    Escalate the perception and alienate*

72. AnonymousSeptember 20,2021 at 5:00PM UTC

    I don't think so, it's my understanding you have a right to review your personnel file.

73. AnonymousSeptember 20,2021 at 11:28AM UTC

    I don't think FOIA applies to private employers? Isn't that a federal statute regarding information from federal agencies?

    An employment attorney can advise and may accept payment based on percent of damage.

    HR should be willing to share her file, but may not be compelled to do so?

74. AnonymousSeptember 19,2021 at 9:19PM UTC

    It sounds like he and HR and most likely upper management have been working to put this together for quite some time.

    It's not illegal but it does indicate that he is working to create a paper trail of sorts to slowly push you out regardless of your performance. A promotion is not a legal entitlement so you are not "due" a raise or promotion.

    Once you get your file you will know more about what has been compiled there and it may indicate the timing of their plans.

    I'm sorry you're going through this. It sucks being blind sided.

75. Rachael WonderlinSeptember 19,2021 at 9:44PM UTC

    Sounds like you were targeted and someone has a vendetta.

76. AnonymousSeptember 19,2021 at 11:12PM UTC

    HR here. Push for evidence - observable actions and behaviors. Things like, you made an employee quit, are not observable, they are inferences, and unfortunately, most performance "issues" stem from the stories we make up about people and not from what they actually do or don't do. A good HR person will know the difference, and though, if your boss wants to get rid of you, HR will help make that happen unless it is a serious financial or legal risk to the company. You could lawyer up and they might pay you to go away. How much energy do you want to invest in this? How transferrable are your skills? Do you have a non-compete? If not, start putting out feelers to your clients.

77. AnonymousSeptember 20,2021 at 12:30AM UTC

    Re: a “pay me to go away” situation. Sounds like that stuff is for the movies. Do companies really do that stuff?

78. Valerie RiegerSeptember 20,2021 at 8:03PM UTC

    All the time. It's cheaper to settle the claim and have the employee gone that it is to fight the charge in court.

79. ElizabethSeptember 19,2021 at 11:37PM UTC

    Time to move on. This won’t get any better. I know because I went through something similar.

80. AnonymousSeptember 20,2021 at 12:47AM UTC

    I ask him so many detailed questions that what started as a confident conversation resulted in him ending the call without any action items. He seemed surprised (maybe even disappointed?) that I would have a non-emotional, almost surgical response.

81. Joan Williams, Senior Talent Acquisition SpecialistSeptember 20,2021 at 12:49AM UTC

    I'd say bad boss AND something nefarious going on.

82. Angela MasonSeptember 20,2021 at 2:05AM UTC

    Here's the most important question...
    Are you getting OT/On-call for disrupting your personal time?
    Don't forget about EEOC.

83. Devra CarmicalSeptember 20,2021 at 3:47AM UTC

    Emergency meeting? He's the "emotional" one to have said that for this situation. You have to decide whether to fight or fly, but definitely he's a manager in need of coaching. HR is not on your side, but will be if you can demonstrate that the company is vulnerable because of his actions.

84. Bradford McCormickSeptember 20,2021 at 7:57AM UTC

    This gentleman is sick in his head. "I hope this doesn’t ruin your weekend...." That is a self-contradictory sentence and if he doesn't understand how destructive he is being that's even worse than him being a spiteful cynic, because it means he's in lala-land. He's punishing you before he punishes you. You probably saw what Belarus tried to do with the Olympic swimmer who didn't please her big boss? These kind of people's first line of attack is: "What's wrong with *you*?" ~ Isn't your first question: Is HR going to be any better than this guy is? You caused one of his direct reports to leave? Maybe you did: A pet? A yes-person? Walk don't run (so you don't trip over your own feet) away from this guy as fast as possible. Do your very best job and dot every "i" and cross every "t" and give him and smile very friendly to them all and give them no cause to think you suspect anything, and if the game is not worth the candle to you, get a better job some place that will appreciate your good work. This guy is bad news that will just get worse with age.

85. Robyn McCabria KelsoSeptember 20,2021 at 12:22PM UTC

    Ugh - it sure sounds bad. Start a paper trail and get your resume/LinkedIn up and going.

86. AnonymousSeptember 20,2021 at 3:12PM UTC

    Maybe filing a HR complaint against him would be warranted at this point? Either way, unless someone steps in to wrangle your boss, I'd start planning my strategic exit.

87. AnonymousSeptember 20,2021 at 3:45PM UTC

    I have to say it just appears that he's either threatened by your intelligence or just a miserable person. A good boss would coach you when something like this arises rather than belittle you. Keep your head up, but know that his behavior will never change. I've been in that situation before and I was the first to be laid off when pandemic arrived, even though I was working in a department that was super busy they gave my job to someone who had only been there 2 years and knew nothing about my department, customers or technicians.

88. AnonymousSeptember 20,2021 at 4:57PM UTC

    It's an employees market right now so opportunities are abundant. JUMP, RUN, GET AWAY FROM THIS PERSON. Don't overthink his motives if you're being targeted or are dealing with a toxic person. Find another job Pronto and tell HR about this boss during your exit interview - also document this meeting and pull all documentation you can from the past and going forward. Get out of there and let HR sorry him out.

89. Beverly RuyleSeptember 20,2021 at 5:05PM UTC

    Run.

90. Cassandra Sanchez, CPASeptember 20,2021 at 6:26PM UTC

    Came here to say the exact same thing. This level of toxic narcissism, gaslighting and lying, targeting you--I've experienced similar behavior and I should've left long before I did. Staying caused more mental and emotional pain than it was worth, and ultimately I learned the hard way that HR is there to protect the company and its image, not its employees. Send your resume to as many recruiting firms as you can, find something else, and leave... and when you do, put your exit statement in writing and email it to HR, BCCing your personal email address to CYA. If he'll do it to you, he'll do it to others that threaten his fragile ego, so this way they'll have documentation of his pattern.

91. Cassandra Sanchez, CPASeptember 20,2021 at 6:31PM UTC

    Also... on a human level... I am sorry you're going through this. Remind yourself that you are strong and capable, that his behavior is not indicative of you or your competency whatsoever. Keep everything in writing... partially to keep your backside covered, but also partially to remind yourself that you're not crazy. It can feel that way in these situations and that's how they get away with it, but you're not and you'll make it through this and come out happier on the other side. Sending you strength and solidarity!

92. rgstaffing@bellsouth.netSeptember 20,2021 at 6:22PM UTC

    Ms Anonymous,
    I would be very careful before you act on any radical advice given in these posts. You do not want to do anything to hurt you down the road and although i do not know what city/state you live in, trust me-it is a small world. If you are going to leave, do so professionally and give 2 weeks notice. And go to the source so that you can find out what you are dealing with and then act appropriately.

93. Renee Radcliff SinclairSeptember 20,2021 at 6:33PM UTC

    I would be cautious about doing anything drastic that could burn bridges. That never works out well. What I would do is document this conversation (you're well on your way with this post) and any further conversations that are similar, and just hold on to that documentation for now. If you are looking for new opportunities, once you give your notice, you can share that documentation with HR, but I wouldn't recommend doing it before then. As you are likely well aware, HR is there to serve the best interests of the company, not you. Take the high road, it will prove that this "pattern of emotional behavior" is totally bogus. I wish you well as move past this harsh experience.

94. said kaps sirajJanuary 25,2022 at 3:20PM UTC

    you are on point. its helping me here so much. thanks

95. MidwestMaven456September 20,2021 at 10:54PM UTC

    No more private conversations. If you are called into any meeting or office, get HR or another person in the room and record it.

    More importantly, start looking for a new job. No reason to stay where they encourage crazy.

96. Carol GriffinSeptember 20,2021 at 11:23PM UTC

    From a reflective personal experience ; I think your boss might be hoping you will quit or you will act /say something unprofessional and he can fire you. Why? Well...maybe he has someone in mind(relative or friend) that he wants to take your place. I've seen it happen a couple of times when I was in the work force. Or...he might just want you out.
    Either way; start looking for another job as soon as you can. Behavior such that he is showing you, will not stop. It will just continue and get worse. Not only is he a liar; but he's a tad loopy in the grey cells. Keep a smile on your face and act professional at all times while you're there. Never be alone and try to record all conversations /contact. When you see his face in your area...start recording. For your protection. Look up your state law regarding taped conversations ,etc.
    If you end up getting fired; these recorded conversations might help you legally.
    I wouldn't trust that turdhead on anything.
    Best wishes and I have hope you will post an update (at a future date) on your situation!

97. Deborah PavekSeptember 21,2021 at 12:48AM UTC

    I don't understand how these circumstances require an 'emergency meeting on a holiday weekend'. There's no excuse for that behavior other than to intimidate you.
    My only suggestion is get your resume in order and start looking, do you really want to work for someone who is that toxic regardless of the benefits?

98. AnonymousSeptember 21,2021 at 5:50AM UTC

    I went through almost the exact thing, my boss lived across the country, he would fly in and go to my appointments I had set up with my customers. Well he would critique what I said and that I have issues "Closing" deals. Then he went on and on about minor details. One night we had a meeting with a big client and I he asked how I was doing I said pretty good, but a competitor was making life tough currently.
    So we had to be evacuated last year from one of three wildfires, we were at a hotel with our dog for 10 days. He still kept it up. Finally he said that I wasn't cutting it, even though my sales were doing well.
    HR made me an offer and I took it and got out, it was that or face another 30 days of a trial period with that jerk. I am now making a lot less, but I am not under 80% as much stress that I was dealing with him.
    My suggestion is to move on.

99. AnonymousSeptember 22,2021 at 12:17AM UTC

    That’s a key point. Your sales were doing well. It’s so astounding that people may want to displace someone who is performing well.

100. EMILY KIKUE FRANKSeptember 23,2021 at 3:26PM UTC

     Your boss is a jerk who is trying to chase you out. Start looking for something else.