Why is an employee who dresses professionally and has good boundaries seen as a threat?

48 Comments

1. AnonymousMay 12,2023 at 9:09PM UTC

   So you are saying that you cannot find comraderie or friendly connection with anyone at this or past jobs? Everyone has treated you with disdain?

   Wow that's a lot to unpack. I would consider some therapy because this is not a normal experience.

2. AnonymousMay 12,2023 at 9:36PM UTC

   I guess I'm painting with a broad brush.
   I have found few people who have received me positively and I'm thankful you called me out on that. As it shows that I focused too much on those who don't receive me positively.

   I should have said instead that the many who do not receive me positively, although are peers, are those who carry influence and make those who receive me positively fall in and mirror them for fear of them , too, losing positive favor.

   Wow, the fact that it took just one sincere comment to make me ground myself and push back on this is a relief. Thank you

3. surfnwriteMay 15,2023 at 1:39PM UTC

   Without hearing more, this sounds like a mean girl thing in high school. Is that what's going on? Workplace bullying?

4. Janine LefflerMay 15,2023 at 2:14PM UTC

   That’s what it sounds like to me.

5. MelissaMay 15,2023 at 1:59PM UTC

   You come off as very logical and straightforward, which I personally like, but that is because I am also that way. I think you may need just to warm up a bit, let the kind and good parts of your personality shine through some. You are probably coming off as standoffish. Self-deprecating humor can be a good ice-breaker. You do not have to tell your whole life story to come off as personable.

6. Alexis GladstoneMay 12,2023 at 9:44PM UTC

   In my experience it could be the company/team culture, your approach, or, mostly likely a combination of both.

   I would personally start with how you show up. The way you described your actions, it sounds like you try to operate at arms length. While for the most part, these are textbook "right" behaviors, it might not be right for the culture.

   Instead of doing what you think is right, you might try to spend a bit of time observing how the rest of the team interacts and operates. There may be some adjustments you can do.

   I'm not suggesting you be inauthentic, just make adjustments where you can.

   On a tactical level, you could invite people for coffee either one-on-one or a few at a time. Build allies by getting to know them on a personal level.

7. AnonymousMay 13,2023 at 5:46AM UTC

   Same and it’s truly annoying. It’s like nobody knows how to act like a professional anymore. I find a couple people I really like and stick with them.

8. AnonymousMay 15,2023 at 1:43AM UTC

   If you're dressing a level up from everybody else, you will be perceived as snooty. If you want to fit in, dress like everyone else.

9. surfnwriteMay 15,2023 at 1:37PM UTC

   Can you give some examples as to what is happening?

10. AnonymousMay 15,2023 at 1:39PM UTC

    Why are you assuming it’s because of your boundaries and how you dress? Did someone specifically say this to you?

11. AnonymousMay 15,2023 at 10:41PM UTC

    OP here - When it comes to the attire, it was shared officially through email that "dress casual" was the dress code. However on my first day there everyone was just in a tier before "sweatpants" so pretty much as if they had just strolled out of bed and decided last minute to come to work. As one colleague came to work with a band T shirt on that had bullet holes in it. Now when I saw that, My eyes did go up in shock because ive never seen that in all my years of working.

    When it comes to boundaries, again during my first week of shadowing the tenured employees they would overshare their workplace experiences by sharing how they were previously fired, toxic workplaces endured, how they were let go. I shared sympathies to them but I refrained from ever sharing any of my own. As I know that doing so would not bring any good intentions. My gut felt it.

12. GirlBossanova934974May 15,2023 at 1:47PM UTC

    There is not much detail to go on here. You are say you are being treated with disdain and you are seen as a threat. However, you have not provided any examples. Perhaps you are assuming that your current coworkers are going to treat you the same way as your old coworkers? It is easy to draw these sorts of conclusions. However, I think you should give your current coworkers more of a chance. It is the same thing when it comes to managers. Just because your last boss might have been a jerk does not mean the next boss will be same. Everyone deserves a fair chance to prove themselves. Be fair and try to stay objective.

13. AnonymousMay 15,2023 at 10:44PM UTC

    OP here - when i reach out to ask for help it is met with long overdue silence. Yet, when another recent hire does, it is quickly staturated with replies and request for them to call them so they can walk them through how to handle the situation. During my training, I noticed that I was able barely being trained with the tenured employees keeping me on calls spanning 2 hours with the first hour being about them talking about non-work related matters while other than reviewing the work-related material just for it to be on a topic that I, as a newcomer, will rarely see. So they intentionally wasted my time to leave me in a continued confused state.

14. AnonymousMay 15,2023 at 1:51PM UTC

    Have you connected with anyone at the office that you can ask how you are perceived? Or do you have any friends with "no filter" who will give you an honest assessment of how you are perceived?

    When I first started out, I didn't realize that my very focused abrupt personality came across horribly in email/phone communication. I had a lot of problems with our out of state locations until I started traveling to there and the managers found out I'm actually very friendly in person. I was visiting a location where the manager and I had a very prickly relationship. At the end of the trip, he said he was shocked when he finally met me in person as I come across very differently over phone/email. Our working relationship was great after trip. It was *very* eye opening for me. That was two decades ago and I've improved my skills substantially. In the interim though, I started explaining to people that I try, but my emails can come across very direct and unfriendly. And to please let me know if I ever sounded angry or difficult in email. I have no shame in my neurodiverse game. I said once you've met me, you can read my dry sense of humor and directness... but in the meantime, just know I'm actually a smiley bubbly person.

15. AnonymousMay 15,2023 at 1:57PM UTC

    Read "The First 90 Days" by Michael Watkins. If you are noticing a pattern in response to your approach, you need to change your approach. This book did wonders for me in stepping back, observing, and establishing trusted relationships first. That is the job in the first 90 days. I hope you get as much out of it as I did!

16. AnonymousMay 15,2023 at 1:59PM UTC

    Why do you think it's devolving? What does the 'disdain' take the the form of? Are you asking for feedback?

17. AnonymousMay 15,2023 at 2:00PM UTC

    I had the same thing happen to me and can totally relate as I too went though the same thing. They see you as competent and feel threatened that you may not be better than themselves and that you are going to get promoted before them, get more money etc.

    Try dressing down a bit, if you’re wearing suits then no blazer etc. kind of thing and ask nonsensical questions to make yourself more engaging. I.e. How was your weekend etc.

18. AnonymousMay 15,2023 at 2:03PM UTC

    What do you mean by 'disdain'? Why are you saying you are viewed as a threat? It's not clear what information you have from your colleagues to make these assumptions.

19. Carolina Perez SanzMay 15,2023 at 2:05PM UTC

    This is so complex! Relationship systems are complex entities, and what you're experiencing may have nothing to do with you and all to do with the system (the team) itself. Maybe the person who filled your role before you did ended up being "dangerous" and that "threat" is now perceived in you. Or maybe there was someone on the team who acted as you are doing now and ended up betraying everybody. Who knows? It's impossible to tell, without knowing more about the team.

    If you have someone you can confide in, I'd go to them and share what you're noticing, in very clear terms. I wouldn't say "people perceive me as a threat" because that's very subjective. I'd say exactly what they do or how they are around you that makes you feel they see you as a threat. For example, "they stop talking when I enter the room," or "there have been meetings relevant to my function I haven't been invited to" or anything that has made you feel what you feel. And then I'd express how that makes me feel, for example: "I feel confused because I think I'm doing what I think is expected of me," and ask what they think what may be going on.

    Good luck!

20. Thalia MoshosMay 15,2023 at 2:16PM UTC

    Becaue they're insecure and feel intimidated. That's their problem, not yours.

21. AnonymousMay 15,2023 at 2:21PM UTC

    What are you interpreting they’re doing that says “she’s a threat?” I think it’s fairly normal to be standoffish when meeting new people. Myself, for one, observe before deciding to engage. In feedback, people have described me as aloof. It’s all a matter of perception. They may be hesitant if you seem overly controlled and rigid.

22. AnonymousMay 15,2023 at 2:23PM UTC

    Did they cover the dress code when you interviewed or onboarded? If not, that is always an important question, and not all employers make it a high priority to cover in either the interview or initial training. Are you "dressing up" from the stated dress code? If your company has a more casual culture, "professional dress" can be seen as "showing off" or trying to prove you are better than everyone else. Part of the problem can be the clientele. When I worked as a case manager with many homeless clients, we wore jeans and t-shirts generally (sometimes slacks and polo shirts), but "professional attire" made us unapproachable by the clients.

    When I worked in a "business casual" corporate environment, if someone came in with a suit on, everyone asked where they were interviewing. I would usually answer with, "I have/had a meeting with a client" (which required professional attire there). It all depends on the company's culture and the clients they serve. Make sure you are taking all of that into account when deciding on your wardrobe. I'm not sure I understand the connection between wardrobe and boundaries in your title with the behaviors you state in the rest of the post. Those all look healthy. You don't need to participate in frivolous discussions that make you uncomfortable. Whether or not these are related to your work, they are a form of harassment.

23. AyianMay 15,2023 at 2:23PM UTC

    Tenured people often do not go above and beyond to get their work done faster or better. They will have often kept to about the same place as when they began. Therefore, when new people join up and do a great job, it makes the tenured folk look lazy and unproductive - or so the tenured people seem to think. The brighter you shine, the more dull they feel about themselves. It's them, not you. It's difficult to get a read on this aspect of company culture before you join. It won't be getting better though, so if this a limit for you, find another position sooner rather than later and chalk it up to a mismatch in culture.

24. AnonymousMay 15,2023 at 2:25PM UTC

    I am currently on contract with a company and am experiencing the same things as the author of this post. This was my first position since leaving my previous job to homeschool my children and I was excited about wearing something other than leggings for the first time in 2 years. I received comments such as "Oh, you're dressed nice" with no smile or "why are you wearing that" whenever I would wear a blouse and trousers or a blazer. I come from a mindset of "dressing like the role you want" and "don't act like a contractor and they won't treat you like one". But it was seen in a negative way, so I changed it and started wearing jeans to work. Then the issue became something else, then something else.

    In my experience, contractors are definitely treated differently. I guess it's to be expected, but there's a thin line between a distinction between employees and contractors and making people feel alienated and unappreciated. Emails to multiple team members would go unanswered (even when follow-ups are sent), members of leadership walk past with minimum acknowledgement after laughing and chatting at length with a peer two feet away. It creates an uncomfortable work environment and because of that, I have decided to allow my contract to end without applying for a full-time position.

25. Julie EMay 15,2023 at 3:53PM UTC

    I worked for a company as a contractor where they had a fall festival for employees only. Contractors were not invited. They do treat you differently. I will never work as a contractor again if I can help it. And it’s not the getting your foot in the door opportunity I thought it would be either. I applied for a job I had been doing and was told I was a sure fit for only to be beaten out by the director’s wife who didn’t even work for the company.

26. AnonymousMay 15,2023 at 5:24PM UTC

    I once worked in a healthcare setting where everyone was invited to eat food bought in a devoted the lowly office reps, just us two. But everyone in the entire office was allowed. Talk about tacky!

27. Ann MillerMay 15,2023 at 2:39PM UTC

    It is your choice of workplaces. Get outta there and go somewhere where they will appreciate you!!

28. AnonymousMay 15,2023 at 2:50PM UTC

    I have been in similar situations and I continue to be me. My clients love me as do the employees and wouldn’t change that for anything. Keep outshining them all and don’t worry so much about how they feel about you.

29. AnonymousMay 15,2023 at 3:15PM UTC

    If this has happened at every place you've recently worked with then some serious reevaluation needs to be done. There is only one common in all of this.

30. Kimberly AnneMay 15,2023 at 5:22PM UTC

    Maybe they bring out the jealous people too…

31. AnonymousMay 15,2023 at 3:36PM UTC

    What specific things are happening that cause you to think that your coworkers perceive you as a threat? What do you mean by "not over sharing despite attempts to get me to."?

32. Nicolette ThompsonMay 15,2023 at 4:27PM UTC

    First, look long and hard at yourself - it is true you are the only common piece here. A red flag for me is that you make a point to say you aren’t politely laughing at jokes - so long as they’re not offensive, I at least will make believe a little just to encourage friendliness. Also look at the appropriate dress code; my firm asks that we go “one up” from our client’s dress code (so if client is fully casual jeans and a tshirt, we are to be in tailored jeans and a blazer, for example - but not a full suit) and I suggest the same to make the staff feel comfortable around you. Remember as a contractor, you are there to help the client - and that means helping the staff to make you no longer needed. I spend a LOT of time building rapport with my client’s staff so I can best understand their roadblocks and share the best approaches to move forward.

33. AnonymousMay 15,2023 at 5:21PM UTC

    This is sadly a thing. Way more than most will admit. I also found that being in a lower position and having lots of confidence and things others lack in higher positions doesn’t go over very well.

34. AnonymousMay 15,2023 at 5:27PM UTC

    Perhaps you are not getting to know the folks whom you are working with. Ask them their story, how they got there, what they love most about being there and how you and they can work together best. Be collegial, you don't have to go out to beers with them but definitely warm up some. It would strike me that you may be coming off cold which is why you are getting cold in return.

35. Julie EMay 15,2023 at 6:39PM UTC

    Research emotional intelligence. It sounds like you’re doing the bare minimum to tolerate your coworkers, which is probably why you’re getting the same reaction from them. Plus I’ve always found that people who think others are threatened by them can come across as smug. Get to know your coworkers and to the niceties or learn to be okay with their reaction to you

36. AnonymousMay 15,2023 at 10:27PM UTC

    I have tried to get to know them and have been humble by means of always sharing appreciation of the time they take to expose me to elements of the job, I share my hobbies in hopes they share theirs. One talked about wanting to own a firearm after a house scare and I showed sincere compassion and even made sure to follow up to check on him in a few days to see how they were doing. So im definitely cold. I follow through to show im not just there to provide support for the moment. Won't I dont and will never tolerate is anyone trying to belittle me as a requirement to get to the information needed to be successful in my role. Thats just not happening I know my worth.

37. BethBMay 15,2023 at 7:52PM UTC

    If this is a problem you've had before, it is likely not the quality of the places you've worked. For instance, you say you dress professionally and have good boundaries. Are you dressing differently from your co-workers? If it is a casual environment and you are wearing suits, that isn't really appropriate. Do you judge them in your mind? that can come through even if you don't realize it. And what do you mean by boundaries? You've been there a month and need boundaries? Is it possible that what you think of as boundaries are perceived in another way by others? You don't have to be friends with your co-workers. Being friendly helps. That means, yes, laughing or at least smiling at a joke.

38. AnonymousMay 15,2023 at 10:22PM UTC

    OP HERE - The workplace dress code is, "dress casual" so I will wear dark-colored or plain-colored jeans with a button-up shirt and well-groomed shoes, Slack with a plain tee and blazer on top if weather appropriate. Rarely completely casual so I can stay in work mode. As im the type of person that is visual so if , " dress work ready then I feel work ready and stay focused more." When it comes to boundaries, I have had to refrain from indulging or giving anyone the impression that asking me questions about my age, my credentials, my love life, and being profane around me is appropriate. Because once that door is opened then where will the line be? During my first week, each tenured employee attempted to broach these topics with me without even going through the idle chatter phases to get to that level. It was intrusive.

    I am friendly and feel me sharing my team to ask them about their life and share in kind while not oversharing shows this. I greet them and do laugh at the jokes if i find them funny but im not about to people pleaser just for the sake of collecting allies. People will be able to sense that with me.

39. Jody BothMay 15,2023 at 8:34PM UTC

    l can relate to your situation, you get a job and you do the job, and you do the job well. This is supposed to be a good thing, you handle yourself and all situations as they should be handled. You've already gone through the jobs where you tried to become friends with your co-workers, that ended up biting you in the butt, so now you know to keep a positive attitude, don't say anything about anyone, don't respond to the gossip mills. Listen and keep your opinions to yourself, smile and excuse yourself to go back to work. Yet somehow, some way people are still finding fault with you, not your work, not your attitude, not your constant complaining, nothing you can control, but for some reason your still finding yourself being targeted for negativity. Your trying to be helpful to your team members, while doing for your own customers and getting them what is needed to get the job done. Meanwhile, your help is not appreciated, is even rebuked, and you feel as if your somehow making them feel as if they can't handle doing the work themselves and they resent your help. Possibly they feel like your a know it all, and they don't appreciate your knowledge, experience, or anything you may share with them in order to help them. I can totally relate, there is something called jealousy, low self-esteem and lazy employees, it's not the quality of the work place, it's the quality of the people populating the workplaces everywhere that is the problem. When you come in and begin doing what you were hired to do, and they aren't you are making them look bad. I sometimes find that I am a motivator in some jobs, I don't care what others do, I only care about what I bring to the table. I will do all aspects of a job even though there are others who are hired to do them, if they are holding me up and I know what to do, I'm doing it and moving on. Boy do people hate me. I've found that waiting and complaining about other people keeping me from finishing my job, is a dead end solution, creating a situation where I am the enemy. It's not my work that is targeted, it's me as a person. It's also not the regular workers who have a problem with me, they are grateful, it's those who feel they are competing with me, while I'm not competing with them at all. It's possible that others don't want to do quality work, they just want to do passing work that has been turned in and accepted as quality work, until you showed up and with barely any extra effort put their work to shame. This is pathetic, but it's a fact. I'm used to working with those types of people, and getting to the point where your at, giving up or getting tired of it. Now, I'm working for a person who is making me tamp down my abilities, so as not to make him look bad. My work was really wonderful, I thought I was finally at the perfect job, people great, my talents appreciated, I enjoyed my work, still do, but the people changed, my one boss left, got a new boss, my co-workers quit or were fired, and while some of the new co-workers are really nice, there are those who feel as if we are competing with each other, and my new boss is clueless, knows it and I can't say anything to him. So, try that one on for size, I'm forced to put out work that is not worthy of what I can do, told not to argue, don't question, just do as I'm told. What a waste of talent, my talent, and keeping my mouth shut about the whole situation is crazy hard. The Mission Statement for this company is exactly what I want to do, exactly what I was doing, what made me want to go to work and give it all I have to give. Now, I have a new boss, and my job sucks, the people suck, I'm not happy, and my work is sabotaged, or taken from me and it feels like no matter where I work, this is what I'm going to have to deal with, they find me. So, it's not you and the work place is only as good as the people who make the decisions and hire the people working in it. Jealousy is one of the worst bitches of all the sins listed in people, it carries so many ways to destroy others with it. How to stop it, I don't know, the only way I know to deal with it, is not to deal with it. Hope that helps. Have a good day

40. AnonymousMay 15,2023 at 8:47PM UTC

    Do you know for sure that they see you as a threat? Has someone told you this directly? If you haven't been informed of it officially, then you're assuming it, therefore it is not a fact. The only way you can feel that they feel threatened is if you "know" you're better than them. If you walk into a place with an attitude like that you should expect to be treated coldly.

    It may have something to do with the "quality" of places but also likely is that you're not fitting in because you're not trying to. That may seem threatening to them or they may just see you as cold and unfriendly so they treat you differently than the people they view as kind and open minded. You can choose to not "people please" but you cannot also complain that you're not pleasing the people. I think you should decide what kind of person you want to be and stick with it. If you think that your approach doesn't need to change then don't change it, stand your ground and be proud to be a hard worker. Or figure out why you're not fitting in and see what changes can be made to help it get better. I will say that the tone of your message does not come off as "woe is me" but it does have a hint of "I'm better than everyone". If you carry yourself in office the way you do in print it is easy to understand why they are not warming up to you. A deep look inside yourself will reveal the answers. You might just need to find a job where no one cares about personalities, like finance or sports betting or something. Read what you wrote a couple of times, out loud. Ask yourself what advice you would give someone in a similar situation.

41. Nikki Radant (QueenofClubs)May 15,2023 at 9:29PM UTC

    Do you want to be friends with your coworkers or do you want to be coworkers with your coworkers? You can't have both and there will always be people who won't appreciate that.

    I personally have gone through something similar. When I first made the choice that I was no longer going to try to be friends with my coworkers, and I was going to put my job performance first, I had to accept that concentrating on doing my job to the best of my abilities meant that I was going to have to deal with some of my coworkers seeing that as me being cold and aloof. I no longer took on assignments that I didn't have the time and energy to do well, I no longer volunteered for overtime when it was available, I didn't participate in the barrage of office potlucks, dress up days and events. I was polite to my coworkers but I didn't push for more than acquaintanceship with my coworkers (I would sometimes join my coworkers for drinks or a meal after work, etc. but that was it). I clocked in and out on time, took all of my breaks and meal times when I was supposed to, for the length of time I was supposed to.

    What I found when I set and defined these boundaries, there was pushback at first. There were complaints that I was unapproachable, that I wasn't a "team player" because I refused to do anything that was beyond my job scope and paycheck. It was awful at first, I was really lonely. However, as time went on, the nature of my relationships with my coworkers shifted. I found several mentors who gave me so much advice and I could turn to anytime I had a work problem. Because I refused to take on work I didn't have the time, energy or pay to do, I could complete the work I was assigned at an excellent level and soon the assignments I was given were of more importance. Management began to trust me more and more, which led to two promotions and a raise.

    Mind you, this was not a quick and easy process. I had to really examine myself, admit that I had areas of improvement that I needed to make, not just at work but also in my personal life. I had to endure a lot of loneliness, stress, bad employee reviews and sleepless nights before I discovered a balance that worked for me. I had to bite the bullet and straight up ask the people doing my employee reviews for their ideas on how to create and maintain those boundaries, while not pissing off my coworkers. It took somewhere around 8 months for me to get my first promotion.

    Learning how to have boundaries and how to advocate for yourself is incredibly tough in any situation. However, you have the responsibility as the boundary maker to ensure that your boundaries are reasonable, flexible and that you are communicating those boundaries with kindness.

42. AnonymousMay 16,2023 at 12:05PM UTC

    Perception becomes reality, and if you're seeing this as a trend, there is only one common denominator; you. If you are perceived as a threat then you may be causing that reaction or your colleagues are not comfortable enough around you due to you being a nuance.

    Honestly you have not been there long enough to know or even present the question you’ve stated. I don’t know if your asking this question from a place of humility or grandeur but you may want to step back, observe, and show genuine interest towards the people you work with. You may receive a different outcome when the question is focused on your actions instead of your perceived thoughts of their actions.

43. AnonymousMay 16,2023 at 1:28PM UTC

    Wow, I've never been referenced as a nuance before and had to google what it meant in the context user here. I know this because the cliched steps are being taken to quietly push me out of the company. And a colleague who was new like me pulled me aside to share how they were jealous with how positively received I was by management and others during my first week. Made me uncomfortable and humbled but more uncomfortable than anything since I'm just being myself, more like,my professional best self, and it's taken me years of shedding my people pleaser tendencies and relieving myself of self doubt to be able to do so. So not grandeur, I just finally know my worth and am trying my best to get back on my feet with a permanent job from a contract position but clearly it's unfortunately not working despite this...Thank you taking the time to share your insight on this.

44. AnonymousMay 16,2023 at 6:21PM UTC

    I appreciate your forthright candor. It is rare to have someone actually conversate about ways forward without losing their cool. Thank you for further explaining your situation and outlook. I know this can get difficult, and I can empathize with the employment shift.

    Continue to search, pursue, and stay open to the opportunity that is out there for you. Continue to understand the environment you enter and how to navigate it to your advantage.

    Best of luck!

45. Carolina Perez SanzMay 16,2023 at 6:12PM UTC

    Do you mean “a nuisance?”

46. AnonymousMay 16,2023 at 8:11PM UTC

    OP here - What they wrote initially was what they meant. a nuance person is a thing and I now will be incorporating it into my mental context vocabulary

47. AnonymousMay 16,2023 at 9:12PM UTC

    Are you ok?

48. AnonymousMay 18,2023 at 8:16AM UTC

    wth