I recently had an experience in a job that wasn't working out with a superior who ambushed me in a meeting with really off-the-wall accusations that I wasn't expecting.

21 Comments

1. AnonymousApril 23,2024 at 12:32PM UTC

   Not sure what you are looking for here? You obviously got out of a bad situation. It is time to move on and not let that person waste any more of your time or ruin any more of your days. If it is really still bothering you, why not talk to a counselor?

2. Jennifer Chickenlittle RubberchickenApril 23,2024 at 12:35PM UTC

   Yeah that's kind of obvious I just wanted feedback from anyone who has actually been affected by something like this. No way am I paying a counselor to un-damage what this person did. Been there done that.

3. AnonymousApril 23,2024 at 10:04PM UTC

   It might be better than dragging all this damage with you and impacting your future. Everyone has been through trauma. Not everyone holds onto it. It great when you discover you hold the keys to unloading all that. I did it and am so much happier and lighter for therapy.

4. AnonymousApril 24,2024 at 8:29AM UTC

   "The best revenge is living well". Glad you took the job offer that was in your email. Hope it is much better.

   I faced a rather similar situation years ago and found that not only was my next job in a better environment, but in three years my salary doubled, which it never would have in the initial situation. In the end, in my situation it was an instance of pure jealousy - perhaps also in yours. Smart women are often not respected by either sex. Better to be in a place where you are respected and allowed to have some meaningful input.

5. AnonymousApril 23,2024 at 12:37PM UTC

   Not clear at all what you're looking for? Closure,that can be controlled by you, only. You resolved it by exiting the business. Move on.

6. Goalsetter498760April 23,2024 at 12:48PM UTC

   Betrayal trauma is a thing and it sounds like you're working to process that. You're doing great! If you have access to a short-term counselor, honestly you can probably knock this out in a couple of sessions max if you don't have anything else going on.

   You do make your own closure, but you have to process the trauma first. You saw it, you experienced it and you got out as soon as you could. *You* did that and that's fantastic!

   If you need extra help processing, you can try journaling and if you need someone to talk back to you, I really recommend seeing if you can find short-term counseling.

   There's nothing wrong with you, you just may need some extra help to process the emotions that accompanied this unpleasant surprise situation.

7. Jennifer Chickenlittle RubberchickenApril 23,2024 at 12:52PM UTC

   Thank you. When you have experienced bullying and abuse as a child, I think it makes you more sensitive. Counseling is expensive and I've had a lot of it due to family history; it isn't always a feasible economic solution. I was just looking to see if anyone else had a situation like this where really they couldn't say anything or fight back. I'm not sure everyone understands what that is like.

8. Goalsetter498760April 25,2024 at 6:35PM UTC

   I absolutely, 100% understand. I've been using my own journaling to process my most recent experiences because I haven't been able to get back in with my former therapist yet, but getting the thoughts out really is helping me. I also absolutely agree with you that a history of bullying in childhood (and even adulthood) makes us that much more sensitive to these kinds of injustices.

   So many people do not take trauma seriously and that's a detriment to us all. But stand behind what I said.. You are doing great with this.

9. AnonymousApril 23,2024 at 1:39PM UTC

   I believe trauma can linger, especially if it triggers past feelings and/or memories.

   Have you thought about therapy to help you unpack the trauma since you're having a hard time letting it go? Sometimes a third party shedding some light on history of trauma can really speed up healing so it doesn't follow you around.

10. AnonymousApril 23,2024 at 3:02PM UTC

    I totally resonate with this - having had a similar situation. Bad bosses exist and trauma can have a lasting impact. Glad you got out - the next thing will be processing the experience so that you can move on without residue. The truth is her accusations do not define you and your narrative, your work or your work ethic. The moment itself may still sting bc of the shock but you have to know you dodged a bullet and you chose yourself. Defending yourself when you’re told you’re not doing something right never feels good but you stood up for yourself and left a bad position.

    Dont dwell on what she is doing or where she went and instead focus on how you’ll move through this and recognize how you need to navigate your future journey.

11. Jennifer Chickenlittle RubberchickenApril 23,2024 at 3:13PM UTC

    What really floors me is that not a thing that was discussed had anything to do with my job performance. I would have never spoken to anyone like that anyway, I'm far too respectful of people's feelings. Yes, I dodged a bullet I had a job offer in my email upon arriving home from said meeting and I took it.

12. AnonymousApril 24,2024 at 1:08PM UTC

    It takes more than a new job to let go hence you are still wondering about this person and directing precious energy there.

13. AnonymousApril 24,2024 at 12:41PM UTC

    It's hard not to ruminate about something we couldn't control. Search "how to stop ruminating" on YouTube. There are some excellent videos on it.

14. MislynApril 25,2024 at 1:42AM UTC

    These would have came in handy last year. Thanks for this share.

15. AnonymousApril 24,2024 at 2:19PM UTC

    Hanging on by wondering about this person is only hurting you. There is nothing elegant about this and trauma that's festering. I would try and address it with professional help.

16. AnonymousApril 24,2024 at 2:37PM UTC

    Yes, read the comments and someone used the term "betrayal trauma" and betrayal is definitely what I felt! I didn't have the exact experience as I never even got the "feedback" directly from the superior, but similarly felt left with the confusion, hurt and lingering feeling that even though I have made the best choices and walked away, it lacked some sort of ending.

    I had a superior who I had really liked for the first couple years, then changed the way he treated me quite a bit over the last year. I could never tell what exactly happened and he was always nice to my face but distanced himself, including constantly ghosting our scheduled 1:1s, and set high expectations for me but fell short in backing me to others or responding to my requests that would support my work. He also started making comments that really made me uncomfortable (constantly "joking" I was going to get pregnant again or already was, predicting I was going to leave when I gave no indication I would..). Cracks also started to appear and began to believe he was a lot of talk and not much else and was losing trust in him. It was always explained away or could possibly be ignorance over malice so I continued to try not to assume the worst but eventually, between that and other things, looked elsewhere and left for an amazing opportunity.

    It wasn't until AFTER I left that previous colleagues and superiors told me how he made an assumption that I had done something sneaky and had IT do an email search with the intent to fire me when he found the evidence. Well, nothing was found because I never did anything off but apparently he just couldn't convince himself he was making it all up in his head. It was infuriating to realize why our interactions had turned the way they did and he never even addressed it with me so I had no chance to even defend myself or have a conversation about it! I still can't understand what I did for him to be so convinced I was some sneaky person. I can only guess it may be some reflection of his own insecurity that he is not who he projects himself to be. I see no use in reaching out to him but I've thought about it so much and sometimes wish I would run into him somewhere and have a chance to confront him. It wouldn't solve anything, I doubt he'd apologize or recognize how his actions are hurting himself and others. In fact, I'm doing great now and I'd imagine he'd try to take credit for that.

    It's been about a year and it's much easier now to just scoff at the whole thing when I think about it. But I do still think about it and have that small wish to confront him. It makes me SAD to know that's how he is moving through life but I cope by reminding myself it's not my responsibility to make him realize his mistake or the negative impact it had, I do have a therapist and I work on not feeling like I can and should control everyone's perception of me and it helps that I only continue to grow into a better employee and person. I also have listened to a good amount of Lizzo and TSwifts "Karma" in the past year too ;P

    Hope you find peace with the situation soon. You are definitely not alone! And I hope you celebrate yourself for the strength you had in the moment to leave it civil. That's a skill you'll continue to grow and benefit from.

17. Jennifer Chickenlittle RubberchickenApril 24,2024 at 7:52PM UTC

    Wow, that's way worse than my experience. Sounds like a covert narcissist or some kind of obsession. Hurtful things like this do exist and have lingering effects! Thank you for your reply. Time will help.

18. Jennifer Chickenlittle RubberchickenApril 24,2024 at 7:55PM UTC

    Also, unless you have truly been through this kind of trauma (unresolved) simply saying 'get help' or a lot of the victim blaming isn't helpful. Not all of us can afford $100-200 an hour to fix what shouldn't have happened to begin with. It's pretty obvious when someone actually knows trauma and someone doesn't. It is no surprise people are reluctant to speak about their experiences given some of the responses.

19. AnonymousApril 25,2024 at 12:16AM UTC

    I don't think there's a solid better or worse! I didn't get personally attacked to my face, I probably would have cried so kudos to you for getting through that and you have alevery right to feel impacted by that.

    It's so funny you say some kind of obsession.. the circumstance he thought I had a hand in had to do with another employee leaving and blindsighting him and he still talks about that employee, it's like he's obsessed with the fact that he lost her and that he didn't see it coming (he likes to pretend he has eyes and ears everywhere and knows all). I don't disagree with your diagnosis!

    Also I should have stated that I recognize I'm privileged to have access to therapy. The new company I'm with covers 10 sessions through our EAP so I use that. I did first start going a few years ago when I was unemployed and had to pay out of pocket. I qualified for a lower rate since they had a sliding scale and I was unemployed but I still had to pay $85 per session and was fortunate between savings and my husband's income and his support, we prioritized it once a month so I could get my head back in the game but it took a long road of struggle to finally decide it was needed. The first time I looked into it though I remember answering the betterhelp questionnaire (thinking they advertised as accessible) and at the very end they tried to sell me a program for $45 a week! I broke down crying knowing nearly $200 a month was a tough swing at the time. It really is not so easy to "just go to therapy" so I 100% agree with you on that. Focus on you, listen to good music, get familiar again with who you are and know that everyone makes judgements based only off their own experiences and limited view of you and you can't control the majority of that. Think about how you can extract value from the experience and move forward and one day soon you'll be singing Karma on your way to your "better off"!

20. MislynApril 25,2024 at 1:39AM UTC

    I wa personally attached by a boss and he made my life a living hell. Bullying in the work place is a real thing and I went through it all. My boss told the other owner I was a fat lazy selfish unproductive person on the payroll. When he told me what was said I was heartbroken. I though he was so happy with the work I was doing for him and how well we worked together. I thought we got along great. He would always confide in me with personal information and I would always do the same with him. We were eachothers go to first thing on Monday mornings. To say I was completely blindsided when I was told what he was saying about me would be a complete understatement. I was devastated. I couldn’t even do my job like I usually did. .I was walking on eggshells waiting for him to let me go. I literally made myself sick over it. So what I’m saying is find another job because job stress I not worth it. Funny how they think your just perfect when it’s one on one in private but they bash you to other people when your not around. That is betrayal trauma!

21. AnonymousApril 27,2024 at 12:03AM UTC

    I recently heard a comment that put my past experience into perspective in this regard. The person said that in addition to the trauma of the experience, you are letting that person "take up real estate in your brain". Also heard it said that processing bitterness is like "drinking poison and expecting the other person to die". What also helped for me, in addition to appreciating the guidance to a MUCH better job, was analyzing what the warning signs were and being aware of these in future interviews.

    Hope something here helps! I do feel for all who have been in this position, whatever the circumstances.