Advice on a difficult male colleague.

8 Comments

1. Danica A.May 15,2024 at 11:58PM UTC

   I may not have as extensive experience as you may have but what helped me a lot in my line of work is list down the issues, controllable and uncontrollable factors. Then assess the risk of those items before presenting. They'll have a better idea on what should be the priority based on risk and maybe criticality to get back on track. :)

2. AnonymousMay 16,2024 at 3:43AM UTC

   One thing that I have found to be helpful is to have a full project plan document with the items, due date, status , contingencies, owner, and what the next steps are. (Red=missed the date/critical, Yellow = cautionary, and Green= complete), This plan is then reviewed at every meeting and weekly with the full stakeholders on the project.

   Agree with Danica A., document the details and then present.

   It's not acceptable to scream and yell at people, especially cursing. It's a harassment environment. Is this PM your direct boss or a dotted line boss? Do you have another manager you can discuss with? What about someone from HR? If none of these are available to you, take initial steps to document and bring everyone up to date, and if this is the environment when stakes are high, you may want to start looking for another position.

3. AnonymousMay 16,2024 at 4:16AM UTC

   Your manager is indeed behaving unprofessionally and making a difficult situation even more stressful.

   I suspect that your manager is frustrated that the difficulties that you are facing might be uncontrollable. Some suggestions:

   •Present some action steps that can be taken by the project team to improve the situation, either immediately or in the future. This establishes that you and your team are addressing the difficulties proactively.

   •Offer to help your manager explain the situation to his superiors and the steps you are taking to manage the situation or, at minimum, prevent its recurrence. This would help your boss do damage control and

   illustrate to his superiors that he and you are effective managers.

   Your boss’s anger, use of profanity and penchant for bad-mouthing are counterproductive. My question is whether your boss typically acts this way? If not, consider chalking this up to unaccustomed stress. If, on the other hand, your boss typically behaves like this, you might want to discuss the problem with HR.

   One detail of your letter jumped out at me: your mention of your boss’s age. FWIW, your boss’s behavior strikes me as a character flaw that is not age-related. I hope that you don’t think that all managers in your boss’s generation behave like this. They don’t.

4. AnonymousMay 16,2024 at 12:33PM UTC

   Sounds like you are basically being bullied. I'd recommend either going to the senior PM's boss or to HR. If you have a whistleblower hotline, consider that as well.

5. Tami L CannizzaroMay 16,2024 at 6:21PM UTC

   Some great advice given here.

   I had a VP (dotted line reporting structure) who used to do similar. I would wait for him to stop yelling/cursing, then say, I'm happy to get the information you need/explain the situation better (whatever he was upset about) if you are ready to speak to me calmly. I always reported what I was doing - and these situations - to my boss, who did nothing. But at least I had record of it (I told my boss and followed up with an email). Basically, it was this guys' way of communicating when frustrated. Not right, but he wasn't going to change and he was a huge producer, so the company wasn't going to do much about it either.
   Looking back, if he had been a bigger part of my world, I could have be proactive and provided more info to him that would have kept him at bay.
   In your situation, it's unclear to me if you are providing this person at your office with what you are doing to correct the situation or simply stating that the project is behind schedule. Figure out what his pain points are, then share tactics to address those when you also share the negative news. That may help.

6. MislynMay 16,2024 at 6:44PM UTC

   i went through a similar situation. I had a boss that lost his temper on a very regular basis. He was very unprofessional. He would belittle people in front of other coworkers and use profanity on a regular basis. To the point to where he would make me cry. Then he would try to console me by being overly nice and and trying to really charm me. I felt like he took all his anger out on me. He would brake me then be so sweet and would just repeat that pattern. As far as talking behind my back he did that as well. I even read messages where he would talk about me but he never said any of that stuff to my face. He knew I was not one to sit back and take it. If I had a problem I wasn’t afraid to let him know. Being a woman with a strong headed male boss is hard if your not a person who stands up for themselves. I suggest you talk to him one on one and get to the bottom of the disagreement or if your that unhappy start looking for another job.

7. AnonymousMay 17,2024 at 7:57AM UTC

   Senior PM indulges himself with these outbursts. Please let HR know. Don't be surprised if they send him to an anger mgmnt or business communication skills class. Tho that would probably be kept confidential, you might never know about it.

   Even if project falls behind for uncontrollable reasons, make sure all mgrs know so they have a chance to steer the situation into best possible outcome. Don't be shy, chances are good it's not the first time the company's had a challenging moment. Whichever people are the best to contact, ask them their advice on how to make the best of this situation. You want your employer to see that you're making the most effort possible to give them the best outcome that can be expected.

   If you endure more outbursts, breathe, keep breathing deeply, don't lose your composure. If you need a break from a monologue outburst, excuse yourself for a restroom break.

   It's been said that during disputes, the person who is yelling is the one who has the least power in the situation. The calmer, composed person has the upper hand. Some managers use outbursts as a management tactic, but I doubt that tactic has ever done much good for anyone.

   Know that we're rooting for you. Let us know how things progress.

8. P I.May 17,2024 at 9:34PM UTC

   Boomer is more than likely stressed due to the project falling behind and taking it out on you.

   Be proactive & assertive: Set up a 30-minute meeting to discuss how you two can work together to get the project back on track. Start the meeting by stating that you like working with him, value his expertise, and look up to him (or something along those lines). Explain that you have skin in the game just as he does, and there's no point in the two of you being adversaries when the project is already sinking.
   Let him know that his behavior towards you is a distraction and unacceptable, and you will no longer be subjected to his outbursts. End the meeting..
   You have to stand on a bully's toes sometimes. Be assertive and non-confrontational. Don't continue being his punching bag as it sounds like he doesn't manage stress well, and looks for others to take it out on. Finally, if HR has to get involved you can say you tried to address it with him directly with or without success. Good luck