I am also a very kind, friendly person. And competent. And the kind of person that strangers open up to.
What has helped me avoid being manipulated and gaslit or bullied by my colleagues, team, and managers, or having my time taken up by people in crisis, is learning to name my needs (i.e., not doing things just because I'm afraid to hurt other people's feelings--my niceness is sometimes a result of being raised by emotionally immature people, and learning codependent coping skills at a very young age), and practicing having gentle confrontations when necessary.
Like, "I felt disregarded and annoyed (or whatever I felt) when you said/did x."
Following those conversations, I have to really know and practice letting go of the other person's reaction, understanding that I'm the only person whose behavior I am in charge of, and not taking things that aren't personal personally.
So if the other person says basically anything other than a version of, "I hear that, you make a good point, I'm sorry for messing up and I'll try to do better," then I know it's not the environment for me.
Conversely, whenever other people say, "I felt dismissed by your comments, and my feelings were hurt," I say and MEAN (even if I don't understand fully or think it's reasonable their feelings were hurt, I'm not in their emotional experience), "I'm sorry for hurting your feelings, I'll do my best to handle similar situations better moving forward."
If I am VERY confused by their reaction/perception, or if it's a really big deal to me, I sometimes say, "Can you help me understand your perspective more so I know how to do better moving forward? What I heard myself saying was (repeat the question/comment), how did that sound to you?"
And then both parties have to actually work to amend their behavior.
Also, saying "no" to unreasonable asks or things you don't have time for isn't being mean. It's practicing self-preservation, it's protecting your workflow, it's making sure you have enough left in you to keep showing up every day.
"I can't take that on right now. If it still needs doing in X [reasonable time frame], feel free to check with me again."
Just because it's work and you're getting paid doesn't mean you have to tolerate being treated like shit, and it also doesn't mean you're off the hook for accountability when you mess up (which is a part of learning to make boundaries).
And here's the best part--you don't have to avoid confrontations all together. It's possible to have constructive conversations in a kind way! You have to keep your own feelings in check and do some de-escalation sometimes if other people aren't emotionally well-regulated. I find open body language and speaking softly to work almost every time. Also, sometimes kind of pressing the air down with your hands, a kind of physical representation of, "settle down," or holding your hands up as if in surrender, shoulder height or lower, while speaking softly, but sticking to the point is very helpful.
And sometimes none of that works and you have a hostile, elevated, angry person on your hands, and in those cases, I do my best to give that person a wide berth moving forward, and I also let whoever's above me know about the conversation, how it went, and any action steps I plan to take or have asked of them. And write it down and stick it in your own or the personnel file (depending on where you are in the org structure).
My motto is, "be kind, but firm."
"Thanks for thinking of me, but that's really not in my wheelhouse."
"I appreciate that this is really urgent for you, but I can't take it on now. Would you like to take a few minutes to work on a timeline to help you manage everything you have going on?"
"That sounds hard. Have you talked to a therapist?"
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