My manager seems to be victimising me and it’s making me dread interacting with her.

Anonymous

March 5,2023 at 7:32PM UTC

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My manager seems to be victimising me and it’s making me dread interacting with her.

I’m having a REALLY difficult time at work right now and it’s affecting my mental and physical health as well as my moods with my family. I work for a nonprofit that’s based in the US but I’m from Africa and work remotely. I joined in July and have met my entire team and department once on a company retreat. My manager and I have always had an amicable relationship until I lodged complaints about two associates who I felt were rude and unprofessional towards me via Teams. Even though I’m the one that raised the complaint, the way I’ve been treated since then was as if I was the aggressor. Every 1:1 with her is full of criticism, snarky remarks, micromanagement. She even told me that one of the women I complained about was the “nicest person”. Her support for me through my onboarding has been minimal and her one on ones mostly consists of me feeling like a child being interrogated. My mid year review was a mess. She didn’t leave one single positive comment about me. Everything was negative and not meeting expectations. Im beginning to feel like this woman just doesn’t like me. She sets me up for failure and not picks everything without giving me the tools to win. She treats me so much differently than my US colleagues and it’s obvious to me. She’s made a jab in a meeting about a very personal choice that I’ve made and chose to share during a casual team meeting. She makes me feel extremely uncomfortable but I desperately need this job as I am the breadwinner of my family. Please help. This is causing me a lot of distress. I have gone to HR and to her senior manager who have o offered to reonboard me but nothing around this woman’s toxic behaviour towards me. Honestly I feel bullied and harassed and exhausted.

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AnonymousMarch 5,2023 at 7:51PM UTC
It definitely sounds like she's being a jerk because you complained about one of her buddies. Just because someone works in a nonprofit doesn't mean they are a virtuous person. Unfortunately, since nonprofits pay less, they often don't want to let go of someone who has work skills even if they are jerks.
I would take up the offer to re-onboard to show HR you are eager and willing to work there. Don't let her see how much her behavior bothers you. Don't share any personal info. Work as much as you can with the people who are NOT jerks.
Charlotte PartridgeMarch 5,2023 at 10:00PM UTC
I’m not qualified to provide any professional advice to you but I just want to let you know that I feel your pain. I was in a similar situation a few years ago, where I had a boss who would micromanage and intimidate me excessively. It was a difficult situation to find support with, particularly as she was protected by more senior members of staff, so I didn’t have anyone to turn to. Sadly, the only option I had was to find somewhere else to go and leave quietly, for the sake of preserving my mental health. If leaving isn’t an option for you, I think the best thing you can do is make sure that you have plenty of support outside of work and ensure that taking care of yourself is your priority. I don’t know if you might have already heard about it, but there’s a YouTube channel by someone called Dr Ramani which explains narcissistic abuse (which I think is what you’re experiencing) and techniques to handle it really well.
Again, take care of yourself
AnonymousMarch 6,2023 at 12:47AM UTC
Have them re-onboard you and make all complaints in writing.
Bullying is pretty common and all you can do is continue to document and escalate the issues. Also, if things get too bad look into filing a complaint with the state employment board.
AnonymousMarch 6,2023 at 8:38AM UTC
Firstly, I would like to say how sorry I am that you are in this situation. I've been their before too and it can take such a toll on your overall quality of life.
Other commentors have talked about escalating the situation to higher-ups, but it sounds like you have done that and it hasn't really helped.
To be honest, I would get out of there if that's an option. There are other companies out there. If not, I can only give you advice based on what I did when my manager was bullying me.
Stand up to her. Don't be rude, or condescending - but sit up straight, square your shoulders, look her in the eye (or I guess directly into the camera), and use an authoritative tone of voice. In other words, be assertive and make it clear with your body language that you are not someone to mess with.
Sometimes this is really all you need to do (you would be shocked how truly wimpy most bullies are, and how they respond to assertive body language).
The next step would be to stand up to her by setting clear, assertive boundaries. For example, I would say, "I appreciate the feedback, X - but your personal comments are inappropriate in a professional setting. Moving forward, they will not be tolerated." Or, "Thank you for your concern on this project, X - I know you value quality when it comes to our work. However, I cannot complete my tasks at the highest level possible with this amount of oversight. Let's reexamine the tasks and you can tell me which ones you would like to handle personally."
Of course, this is a risk - there's always going to be a risk no matter what you do. The risk if you do nothing is that nothing will change and you will continue to suffer. The risk of standing up to her is that she may get upset - but at this point she's already retaliating. I'm not sure what your local laws are (or how that works when the company is US based), but I would check into them just so you know.
Good luck to you!
AnonymousMarch 7,2023 at 5:16PM UTC
Try to move to another team, use the words hostile workplace and whistleblower. US laws should protect you. Speak up, don't tolerate the abuse and don't take it personally. I know that last comment might be hard but she has found the buttons to push to make you feel that way and unless you openly perhaps in front of others in a meeting tell her to stop and that you won't take it any more then it will continue. Get HR involved further and document and record if you can.
AnonymousMarch 7,2023 at 5:43PM UTC
I had this issue with a boss and couple co workers in the past. Sounds so very familiar. Sadly, you may want to change companies. I am so sorry. This is very stressful and unfair but sadly no one will probably listen. You been targeted. They are probably jealous of you.
AnonymousMarch 8,2023 at 2:19AM UTC
I didn’t go to HR first. In fact I did not go to HR at all initially . HR got involved afterwards. Also, please could you refrain from victim blaming. I am being bullied and my life is being made hell every single day, affecting my mental health. You’re talking about processes. I came here to look for a way FORWARD. Not for someone to poke holes in what I’m saying and how I went about things. I went to my MANAGER first when the incidents happened and she did nothing but blow it out of proportion and blame shift. Kindly refrain from doing the same. Thanks.
AnonymousMarch 9,2023 at 7:58PM UTC
Apologies for getting involved good luck
AnonymousMarch 9,2023 at 6:11AM UTC
1st Of all put Your CONFIDENCE BACK ON & DONT GIVE YOUR POWER AWAY, TO ANYONE.START KEEPING A JOURNAL & IF OTHERS ARE BEING TREATED SIMILAR .. WHEN HR DOES NOTHING, WHICH IS THE USUAL .. FILE A COMPLAINT W/ THE EEOC .. IF YOU DID GET FIRED THAT IS RETALIATION & AGAINST THE LAW. PERSONALLY AM IN A PROTECTED CLASS & TOOK MY SITUATION AS FAR AS POSSIBLE. LOVE THIS SHIT, ONLY BCUZ DONT WANT THIS TOXIC ABUSE OF TITLE FROM AN IDIOT WHO HAS NOTHING BETTER TO DO. YOU SOUND LIKE A SMART PERSON, START BY LOOKING UP DISCRIMINATION SINCE THAT IS WHAT YOU ARE DEALING WITH. DO YOUR Research, GAIN AS MUCH AMMUNITION FOR A WAR ON THE FRONT LINES .. ATTORNEYS TAKE EMPLOYMENT LAW CASES SERIOUSLY, WILL TAKE ON A CONTINGENCY, NO COST UNLESS YOU WIN. PS BE A BIT ANGRY, GIVES YOU LIL' XTRA POWER ✨