To talk or not to talk, to manager about outside work challenges.

17 Comments

1. AnonymousFebruary 8,2023 at 1:23PM UTC

   Yes I would speak yo your manager and express aside from the stress at work with your workload you have some personal things going on as well that had compounded your stress level and that you feel had affected your work performance. I hope your manager has empathy and compassion to understand. We are human we have things in our work/personal life that sometimes is overwhelming (even for the strongest person).

   my hope for you is that your company had a culture that embraces employee well being.

   I believe you should take care of YOU and if that means taking time off then absolutely do so for a reset to get back in your game again. I wish you well.

2. Paulla Fetzek, MSEdFebruary 8,2023 at 1:34PM UTC

   First, I'm sorry you're dealing with such stress in your life. I have had major stress at times as well and it's never easy.

   Second, you most certainly can share with your boss if you feel comfortable. You can share as little or as much as you like. I understand what you mean about "excuses". Perhaps, in addition to telling your boss why you're having issues, you can propose solutions to help deal?

   For example, you might say something like, "with this stress I'm dealing with at home, extreme time crunches at work are difficult. An extra day will allow me to focus on the task and make certain everything is correct."

   Wishing you all the best...

3. Patricia GulinoFebruary 8,2023 at 2:39PM UTC

   Be careful what you share not everyone will have your best interests in mind

   if you need time to get back on track you should do it because if you performance at work is suffering then it will only get worse

   good luck to you

4. Cindy GrossFebruary 8,2023 at 4:31PM UTC

   Consider talking to HR about your options. You may qualify for FMLA, maybe even with pay, and a good HR department can help you understand how much to disclose to your direct manager. My experience is to share only higher level things with your manager. Something like "like everyone else during the times of COVID, my life has extra complications right now. I need {whatever you need to maintain your boundaries and health}. I need you to tell me {in whatever style/method you truly need} when there's something out of alignment with your expectations.

   I am a huge fan of "Captain Awkward" - there are likely some "how to talk to people about situation x" scripts on their blogs that could help. #BefriendingDragons

5. Summer RaeFebruary 10,2023 at 3:45PM UTC

   This is a great suggestion- you definitely only need to mention that one of your family members is having serious health issues (mental health is health) and that you've been mentally and physically worn out trying to balance work and care.

6. AnonymousFebruary 9,2023 at 12:42AM UTC

   Depends on who you feel most comfortable talking to. If your direct manager is the person then so be it. If you prefer HR then go that route - and how much detail is up to you, Remember work usually has an EAP program and consider FNMLA if needed for home/health challenges.

7. Gaby CadenaFebruary 9,2023 at 1:20PM UTC

   Working remotely can sometimes bring all those struggles, I've found that developing a professional relationship with direct manager can help communicate issues like these. If that's not in place, I'm all about taking care of yourself. If you're able to take some paid time off, do it. Take care of yourself and your family and be kind to yourself. How much detail you give is up to you and how comfortable you feel. This is just my opinion based on what I read, I don't want to minimize the struggle by any means.. I hope you're doing well.

8. Cindy GloverFebruary 9,2023 at 2:12PM UTC

   There are 2 parts of this conversation that I’d like to ask about (you don’t have to answer them if you’re not comfortable).

   Is it a friend or family member that is going through an addiction or you?

   Talking to your boss about is dependent on their personality and professionalism. If you acknowledge and accept responsibility for your lack of focus, assure your boss that you are aware of the situation and will work on it. You do NOT have to say why. If you feel uncomfortable talking to your to supervisor, I’d consider having a conversation with HR. Maybe ask your supervisor and HR to meet together?

   Unfortunately, I too have had many issues relational to addiction and it’s absolute hell. Both personally and in my immediate family. I was fortunate to get help when I needed jt. Yet I have family members that continue to struggle. Addiction does not discriminate. In my personal experience, it didn’t matter what anyone said to me, I had to figure it out on my own. That was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. One tends to feel less than or not good enough to get better….they need to find their own reasoning to decide to get help. If you want to talk more about it, I’m happy to help in any way I can ❤️

9. Cindy GloverFebruary 9,2023 at 6:26PM UTC

   Well said!

10. AnonymousFebruary 10,2023 at 4:27AM UTC

    Keep you explanation short, take full responsibility up front and provide some plan to safe guard it from happening again. If you have a good rapport with your manager let her know you have been dealing with some personal issues.

    Look into your EAP if your company provides that support. Some crisis therapy with some time off will help provide some immediate support.

11. Joan Williams, Senior Talent Acquisition SpecialistFebruary 10,2023 at 5:38AM UTC

    I'm sorry that you're going through a rough time.
    Personally, I would not tell anyone at work anything personal about what is going on. I know everyone wants to think they work with people who are going to be super supportive but that is not always the case. Sometimes, any sign of weakness (real or perceived), raises a red flag and just puts you under even more scrutiny, more pressure.

    I would absolutely, 100% take ownership of what happened, apologize, try to make it right in whatever way you can.

    If you HAVE to give some sort of explanation, I would be as vague as possible - I have some family stuff going on.

    If you have plenty of time in the bank, TAKE IT - that's what it's there for - you earned it.

    But take the time to decompress - not beat yourself up. You can't change what happened - you can only change what happens in the future.

12. Maria Paula CalvoFebruary 10,2023 at 3:14PM UTC

    While I don´t think you need to provide details of your personal issues to everyone around, it sounds like you are already clear that you have not performed as expected on certain areas of your work. In that scenario, I would recommend you to take the lead in approaching your manager and disclosing your recognition of your error or failure proactively instead of waiting for him/her noticing it and coming to you with questions. If you are proactive, by the time you acknoledge what went wrong you should be bringing options to overcome the situation too. That will show you are in control of what you do, how you do it and are taking accountability with responsibility. And this is good professional behaviour!

13. Summer RaeFebruary 10,2023 at 3:43PM UTC

    As a manager myself, my job is to understand the challenges my team faces and do what I can to help them get through/around/over them. If someone on my team messed up, I would be so appreciative of them taking the initiative to call a meeting with me to discuss it.

    Sadly, not all managers are good managers, so as you mentioned above, it's important that you approach it more as "what did I learn from this and here's some ideas I have to make things work going forward" instead of "here's all my excuses". Come to that meeting prepared with your thoughts on what went wrong, and what you are going to do to prevent that from happening in the future, and then ask your manager for their input and suggestions.

    On another note, FMLA is there for a reason. Sometimes you need a break. We all need a break after what we've been through in the last few years- I know I did. Look into FMLA and the rules around it at your organization by speaking with someone from HR. Your mental health and sanity is far more important than a job. Best of luck!

14. AnonymousFebruary 10,2023 at 6:06PM UTC

    I think honesty is the best policy. Tell your manager that you are dealing with some family issues - be as detailed or not as you feel comfortable. Tell them you are making them aware of this so that they understand why you lost your focus in that last project. Don't make excuses but let them know that you are okay with them being more micro to you while you process what is distracting you outside of your work. Let them know of your commitment to the company and ask them if there are any EAP - Employee assistance programs to help you cope. Suggest that you also use your calendar diligently to track your work progress and share that with your manager that you want help to time box some things you need to get done. Identifying that you have a problem does not make you a bad employee, it shows that you are human and need coaching and guidance sometimes. If they suggest time off or your feel you need it to deal with this do speak to HR and the manager together and see what you can do to protect your job while you are out. Perhaps moving to part time status? As long as that does not affect your health benefits that may be a solution where they give you only project based work to complete during that time period. I would also advise finding a counselor or 3rd party to help you with the drug issue in the family. Good luck, I and others are here rooting for you!

15. AnonymousFebruary 10,2023 at 6:49PM UTC

    Keep the details to a minimum. The last time I was open, I ended up having to take a drug test and a psych eval. The second time, because I learn the hard way, the manager used it as ammunition to play mind games. Both managers used the details as ammunition.

    And if you go to HR, just know that they’re there to protect the business. Not you. ? Well rarely you.

16. AnonymousFebruary 11,2023 at 8:44PM UTC

    Thank you for all of the thoughtful replies. It seems management isn't as perturbed by how this project ended as I feared, as the client was very happy with the results, in the end. When I spoke to my manager about what had happened, rather than bring up my issues, I stuck to relating 'lessons learned' in how things could go better the next time I'm facing a deadline with vague direction, and left it at that.

17. Liz MilneFebruary 16,2023 at 12:01AM UTC

    I would own it, but make it clear you've already taken steps to deal with it: 'Sorry, boss, that [issue] was my error, I didn't pick up [whatever] quickly enough, and by the time I did, it had gone a bit nuts. I've been having some issues at home, but we're getting there and I'm back on track. How can I fix my error?' - something like that?