Former colleagues stopped talking to me (and I think it's because I've been badmouthed post-departure)

51 Comments

1. AnonymousMay 5,2024 at 12:10AM UTC

   I can see why you feel as you do,, but often "wotk friends " are just that- 9-5 associates.
   As it was a toxic situation, I'd leave them ALL in the past. They can reach out to you- Some "relationships" aren't worth the trouble.

2. AnonymousMay 5,2024 at 1:09AM UTC

   Thanks for the responses. It will be best to just let these people go. We all worked well together and got each other through the pandemic and were supportive, but they're the ones who are still at this org and need to stay in leadership's good graces, and, from what I know, the toxic bully has been promoted up the ranks since I left. Looking back at what happened, I think my situation is one of those examples of what happens when you stand up to a workplace bully. They will do everything in their power to ruin you as payback for going up against them. I knew from the get-go that fighting back would come at a price. What I did not realize was how those left behind there, even my "friends," would eventually close ranks and cut me out. It was such an ugly situation.

3. AnonymousMay 8,2024 at 2:21PM UTC

   I am currently experiencing this right now.

   I called out the bully Manager...and now the lines are being drawn. I've witnessed alot and heard alot on my current job and for a time was afraid to report but I finally have. I know the bully is angry, vindictive, and will try to smear me, and other may get on and are already on her bandwagon. It's a tough position to be in as an employee BUT you as a person matters more. Your own well being, self respect and integrity matters more. You did something very BRAVE! You stood up to a bully! How many people can say they've done that? I'm proud of myself for finally saying something. I didn't just do it for me....I did it for others being bullied as well smd not that they even care but that I couldn't sit by any longer witnessing it. Do I expect anything to change? NO!...and I let them know that. Even though it was scarey to finally stand up....I did it afraid! The simple fact of me being afraid of someone at a job is a problem in and of itself but these jobs don't care about that at all. If I go in and have to call the police on anyone I will and then sue them all. Lol. It's crazy how you mention the toxic boss moved up in rank but these days that happens more and more. Crazy people move into positions of authority over others and they abuse it. Thanks for sharing. Be glad you got out. Sorry that you are missing those connections with your old coworkers but I live by being cordial at work....we have that in common while we work together but they are not friends. Not saying I have not made friends from past jobs that I still talk to BUT those are the real ones. Most people on these jobs laugh and giggle together there but it's all surface. You will make new and better connections. Appreciate it for what it was and keep climbing girl. Take care of yourself.

4. AnonymousMay 5,2024 at 3:58AM UTC

   Work relationships are funny things.
   The rules that apply to personal relationships don't always apply. There is another dynamic at work and some people can't mix personal and professional relationships. It's complex and frought with all kinds of boundaries, distance and competing feelings. Some people like to keep those relationships very separate. It's confusing but I would not press it. Respect that compartmentalization that some people require and understand that it's how they handle relationships in their life. It's not from malice or unkindness .....its more just a private boundary.

5. AnonymousMay 6,2024 at 1:12AM UTC

   You could assume that your former boss has badmouthed you to your former colleagues and in the process, tarnishing their perceptions of you. But until it's a proven fact, it's just an assumption. There might be some other outlying reasons as to why they've not reached out to you, such as changes in their lives or work.. But let's say that you're right and they are "ghosting" you because of what was said. Then count yourself fortunate that you've found out who and what these folks are before investing more time into pursuing relationships with them. Simply move on.

6. AnonymousMay 6,2024 at 2:56AM UTC

   It doesn't sound like you were bad mouthed. The colleagues sound like they've moved on.

7. AnonymousMay 6,2024 at 2:21PM UTC

   Wow.
   Lots of drama here over former colleagues. I’ve had jobs where I thought that I was part of the gang. Then I left and since I was out of sight I never heard from them.
   But then they never heard from me either!

8. AnonymousMay 6,2024 at 6:36PM UTC

   Former colleagues are not actually friends. They have moved on.

9. AnonymousMay 7,2024 at 1:19PM UTC

   2 years is a long time in the work world. It sounds like this connection has just organically faded, you didn't have much in common outside your former shared employer, and as such they've moved on. I wouldn't assume this has anything to do with your former boss unless you actually hear someone mention something specific to that effect.

10. Jacqueline CutlerMay 7,2024 at 2:07PM UTC

    I would let it go. If they were real friends, they would have remained so. It is difficult when you think someone is your friend and isn't, but at this point, you have done what you can.

11. AnonymousMay 7,2024 at 5:18PM UTC

    If you were let go and it was toxic, it's very easy to start thinking along these lines. If it was toxic, consider your release a gift. Consider some of these former colleagues are either equally trapped, lack awareness, or actually like that environment. Either way---you're out and need to focus forward. - Work colleagues are not your friends, no matter how friendly. Look to your outer networks.

    Yes, if you need connection/ support, it'd be ideal for some person from your past to help. I know it can be tough to shift one's mindset, but try to think less and less of where you left. Build the future. If they gave you a reference, take it and move forward.

    Likely they just moved on - which can be unpacked to say they were never real friends or to say many work relationships are task/process oriented. If they feel no motivation or nothing to offer you, they don't know how to reach out. Many people live in their own worlds and don't realize the impact their distance could have on another.

    I'd add, certainly reach out to whomever you need to in order to expand your network. Don't push relationships. See who reaches out or engages with your social media (LinkedIn likes, etc.). Use that as opportunities to test the waters again. (If they respond, great. If they don't no worries). Some folks also don't connect outside of work tech (so, if you don't have their personal info., they don't connect). Also, sometimes folks only reach out to you when they need you for something. Sad, but true.

    Finally, total worst case scenario--if toxic past boss/colleagues are ruining your reputation (hopefully someone in your circle would let you know). Still a sign that you dodged a bullet.

    Food for thought, if you are ever forced out of another company, and they want you to sign a separation agreement--look into non-disparagement agreements (esp. that they cannot disparage you). Whether the do or do not is one thing. Whether you can prove it is the other.

    I'm part optimist and part realist. A coach once told me, "leave a door open for folks- if they come in, great. If they don't, fine."

12. MislynMay 7,2024 at 6:05PM UTC

    What’s with all the toxic work environments. Can’t people just go to work do their job and be happy. Everyone has to bully each other talk behind everyone’s backs and be disrespectful.

13. AnonymousMay 8,2024 at 1:08PM UTC

    This is the 1st since I started working my 1st job in 1992!

    That I have ever worked a job where the manager has physically threatened staff, call staff out of their name, share stories of herself being called a bully on past jobs or times she's been reported to HR for various reason as if she finds that amuzing. No subject is off topic with her including a person's faith. Most of the people have been too afraid to say anything serious back to her so they laugh at her making fun of them and then when she is gone complain about how she is rude to them. I have never seen anything like it. And the sad thing is HR knows and this Bully Narcissist manager does not care at all.

14. AnonymousMay 7,2024 at 10:22PM UTC

    Sadly, work friendships are superficial. Even if you'd left on good terms, without that common bond of the workplace you'd lose most of them to attritions.

15. AnonymousMay 7,2024 at 10:55PM UTC

    Ummm same. And then I saw them post something from an event hugging the toxic boss that they witnessed making my life hell. Currently freelancing. Next job, I'm going to be polite. That. Is. It.

16. Dr. Deonna Moore TaylorMay 8,2024 at 12:40PM UTC

    Be polite. Get your coins. Go home. I agree!

17. krissi kissMay 8,2024 at 12:22PM UTC

    I left a toxic job last July. The last 2 bosses I had were complete clones of each other. There were a few people I cared enough about to tell them goodbye and to thank them so I sent them emails off my work address and left my personal email...not one of them responded. Some of the people on my team that I really thought we were close have also not reached out although I still have one or two on my fb and they'll like my stuff. It's weird. It's like upper management some how instructs other not to communicate with people who have left. I say cut your losses. Like one of the posters mentioned they obviously weren't real friends or even real people with any kind of backbone. It's sad but it's their loss. Let it go ?

18. Dale RosenbergMay 8,2024 at 12:35PM UTC

    It sounds like you did meet with these people for lunch for a while, but in the last couple of months they are no longer responding to overtures. There may not be anything nefarious about that. Many times work friendships are situational. After two years they may have not much to say to you now that you no longer have work in common.

19. Dr. Deonna Moore TaylorMay 8,2024 at 12:39PM UTC

    First off, I’m so sorry this happened to you. I know all too well about toxic workplace culture and environments. Seems to be the rule instead of the exception now days. I also hate that for whatever reason, your former colleagues are following the “Petty Betty” train of your former boss or whatever - or maybe they’re not. It could be a season of relationships needing to end so you can move to your next level. You cannot carry old dirt into new soil - and old keys don’t open new doors.

    I live by the philosophy of go to work, get my coins, and go home. I’m a friendly co-worker, but don’t look to make “friends” on my job. In this day and age, we all need to do some introspection and really define what the definition of friendship means. Just because we talk, don’t mean you should be a friend. I place people in categories: Friend; Associate; People I know; People I know of. As we get older, learn how to discern who’s what and treat them accordingly.

    I am not trying to be mean. But at almost 50 years old and having spent most of my life fighting for friendship and acceptance from people who wouldn’t cross a rock for me if I needed it, I have learned to love people where they’re at and treat them accordingly. Embrace your new season and be grateful for the fact that the remnants of the toxicity from your job is no longer lingering around you. The trash took itself out.

20. Alissa BurchMay 8,2024 at 1:31PM UTC

    Exactly this! The trash just showed itself. At 55 I have colleagues , many of them trusted and long term, but not friends at work. There’s an old saying that I realized is true in the workplace- “Familiarity breeds contempt.” Be polite and care about your workmates as human beings, but don’t get in too deep at a personal level. It’s unfortunate that your former coworkers don’t understand the importance of building bridges (vs burning them) in life. Good riddance! Now go build some new, professional relationships!

21. Dr. Deonna Moore TaylorJune 10,2024 at 12:20PM UTC

    It’s the last sentence for me! Build PROFESSIONAL relationships!!! If we search deep within, we will see who’s truly our friend, and it’s not always co-workers! We can’t be so caught up on being friends that the professional lines become blurred. Love this!!!

22. AnonymousMay 8,2024 at 2:36PM UTC

    This response is absolutely perfect! And I feel the same way. I'm cordial with people at work but I'm careful not to make personal friends of them because there are so many potential pitfalls while you're on the job as well as after you leave. That said, if someone has been a really good associate while we work together, I have become true friends with people after I moved on to different positions. It just gives me a greater comfort level of knowing that they wanted to be friends with me and not some other motivation of what I could do for them in my role.

23. AnonymousMay 8,2024 at 12:42PM UTC

    You did your best to keep the friendship together. However people and times do change. Accept and move on graciously.

24. AnonymousMay 8,2024 at 12:47PM UTC

    i am not actually friends with people a iwork with , i dony expect to stay in touch

25. AnonymousMay 8,2024 at 1:18PM UTC

    Would you only talk about their job and rehash stories about the toxic work place when you got together, or did you talk about eachothers lives aside from work?

    If it was only you all talking about the toxic job I can tell you it gets old quick and people that are still in it don't always want to hear about it from someone who is far removed now. You start realizing that is all you had in common.

    If you talked about your lives and really felt they were friends then it is their loss. Move on and it might be best for you either way.

26. Jamie Martin, ACCMay 8,2024 at 1:41PM UTC

    There are people you will be friends friends with (I have several that I haven't worked with in 15 years but am still friends with) and some that you will lose touch with over time and some who will be there when you need it in your career. Stay open to all possibilities because going in assuming work friends are just circumstantial will result in that and you could miss out.

    In this type of situation, these coworkers might feel caught in the middle even though you are no longer there. And aren't sure what the best thing to do is. They don't want to get on your old bosses bad side, so they could be placating her.

    If you truly value their friendship, give them some time and touch be in 6 months. If they don't respond at all, so be it. If they do, all is well.

27. AnonymousMay 8,2024 at 1:51PM UTC

    I've tried the "keeping my head down and be quiet act" for some time now and it's so very draining. You are right... speaking up just makes things worse which is more unfairness and mistreatment added on top of what was already going on that you were trying to ignore for how ever long. I just always tell myself that God is my source and he will get me good references also. Thanks for sharing.

28. Chrissy Regan SmytheMay 8,2024 at 2:32PM UTC

    Why do you care? They have chosen to stay working for a toxic boss. Speaking with you may make them targets of her wrath and they might just not want to deal with that drama anymore. Feel blessed they were a part of your professional life and wish them the best. It’s time to move on from that chapter of your life.

29. AnonymousMay 8,2024 at 2:33PM UTC

    Glad you got out! Toxic managers are draining....and some can even make you feel unsafe.

30. AnonymousMay 8,2024 at 2:38PM UTC

    I'm sorry this happened to you but the same thing happened to me after a recent layoff. A leader who had even reached out and offered to be a reference for me ghosted when I contacting her after I got my next job offer. People are people and you never know the true motivations. Take it as a learning lesson, not a loss.

31. AnonymousMay 8,2024 at 3:12PM UTC

    Oh my word…this happened to me too. As soon as I quit, my “friendly” colleague wouldn’t respond to my texts even though we all talked about keeping in touch. I get it. I am happy to be away from that place and now have enough distance (2 years) to reflect and not miss them whatsoever. I will state that I was over the moon when I found out that my bad boss was let go. But I no longer care about meeting up with anyone from there. You will too.

32. AnonymousMay 8,2024 at 3:37PM UTC

    We have all been there - it's so sad when you make besties with the people you work with and it seems they will be forever friends - but remember, they are just colleagues at the job and really aren't friends once you are not part of their world. They move on and unfortunately we all have to too. It has saddened me to no end losing these people I was so connected with and now our lives have moved in different directions. I feel your pain and commiserate completely.

33. AnonymousMay 8,2024 at 3:43PM UTC

    Who did you file with? This is happening and I’ve been black balled pretty severe to coworkers following me off hours.

34. AnonymousMay 8,2024 at 7:09PM UTC

    You might want to file a grievance with EEOC.

35. AnonymousMay 8,2024 at 7:30PM UTC

    I have been there too and unfortunately with these types of managers you just don't know what they're saying to others after you leave, but it's safe to assume they are being vindictive and not fully honest about the circumstances around your departure. It is a tough spot to be in when you have a bad boss like this and leave on not great terms, and those work "friends"/acquaintances then become your only option for references from that job/company.

36. AnonymousMay 8,2024 at 11:35PM UTC

    Work friends are not the same as real friends in most cases. This is very common.

37. GirlBossanova916335May 9,2024 at 12:34PM UTC

    After reading through all of the comments, I'm glad to see I'm not alone. I have the same situation. When I left, 2 people that I worked with told me how sad they were that I was leaving, and "we'll have to do lunch" and keep in touch. Well that lasted about 2 months. I never hear from them, even though I've reached out. And now one's father has passed away, and I'm torn as to whether I should go to the Wake or not. We really were friends outside of work, so that's what makes it hurt so much.

38. AnonymousMay 9,2024 at 1:02PM UTC

    Move on

39. Mr. RiceMay 9,2024 at 1:12PM UTC

    Your coworkers aren't your friends, do your job and GO HOME. You should be old enough to understand that by now

40. AnonymousMay 9,2024 at 1:24PM UTC

    Some industries are very dependent on relationships. Not sure the specifics here but in many industries, they could end up being her coworker again in the future at a different company or even her hiring manager or boss. You don’t want to burn bridges if you don’t have to!

41. Marcia SmithMay 9,2024 at 1:51PM UTC

    not a very compassionate response.... :(

42. Princess bubblegumMay 9,2024 at 1:59PM UTC

    It's a cut throat world out there I found this to true that's why I choose my coworkers wisely

43. AnonymousMay 9,2024 at 1:59PM UTC

    I honestly think you worked for my boss too. Lol

    She targeted me..she did not like me at all. I wasn't one to kiss her bum like others did. I stood up when I thought things were wrong or unfair. Last Wednesday the company laid off 200 employees and she then had her opportunity to strike back and I was one of them.

    I don't think co workers are truly your friends. I'm seeing some distance with me and another coworker and I'm hearing from others that my former bosses favorite is cuddling up to her now that I'm gone. I would say let it go. Find new friends at your new job. If any of them reach out then I'd respond. I do know from experience that when other women on our team left , my toxic bosses claws came out and she really bad mouthed them. I'm sure she's doing it to me now.

44. AnonymousMay 9,2024 at 2:18PM UTC

    I think work friends are tricky...
    it's not same as outside friends. I tried staying in touch and I think everyone has good intentions but once you are gone, eventually it all fades. Move on and develop relationships where you are but keep it where it is... at work.

45. Milissa JacobsMay 9,2024 at 3:49PM UTC

    I tell people this all of the time. Those people are NOT your friends, they are people that you work with, you should cultivate friendships outside of your work for this very reason.

46. Julie EMay 9,2024 at 4:00PM UTC

    It may have a lot to do with what you talked about when you got together. If your main connection was work and you spent those lunches bashing your toxic boss, they may have decided they’d had enough because they still have to work with this person. Ultimately, when made to take sides, people will almost always chose their employer because they need that paycheck to live. The friends I have maintained when I’ve left companies and I have common bonds outside of work, like we’re both parents and when we talk it’s rarely about the old job.

47. AnonymousMay 9,2024 at 4:07PM UTC

    If you have any evidence that she is badmouthing you definitely send her a note and let her know that you are aware of this and that it needs to stop. Assuming that youre exit document had a non-disparagement clause and that she too needs to honor this. Then send notes or make calls to each person that you would like to stay in touch with and let them know that you want to keep in touch for personal reasons and would love to know if they prefer not to because they still work there. If they respond with that reasoning then definitely let it go. When the time is right and perhaps when they leave there they will renew the relationships.

48. AnonymousMay 9,2024 at 7:53PM UTC

    This sounds a lot like my situation. She could not stand that I was doing well and would bad mouth me to anyone who would listen. Fortunately I had good corporate contacts and and within a year landed a better paying position with the same company. The people that still work for your toxic supervisor are NOT your friends, in fact, they're still kissing her **s or they would be out too. She most certainly did turn others against you. But what does that tell you about them? On to bigger and better things. Best of luck!

49. Rosa GoesMay 9,2024 at 11:14PM UTC

    You tried to reach out to no avail. Nothing more you can do. So I think its best to cut your losses. Everything you said after that is perfect and understandable. Good luck on your next opportunity!

50. Lara SmithMay 10,2024 at 5:18AM UTC

    +1 to this.

51. Janet ParkhurstMay 12,2024 at 3:46AM UTC

    I think you answered your own question--perfectly! Sometimes the best advice is our own. Just shake it off and move on. There are bigger and better things in store for you.