Not only am I being bullied at work, the bully makes it a point to gaslight me in front of our boss.

Anonymous

May 4,2023 at 12:45PM UTC

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Not only am I being bullied at work, the bully makes it a point to gaslight me in front of our boss. This coworker is, by far, the worst slacker in the office. They are also one of the most manipulative. They have spent the last few months sabotaging a project that I was chosen to spearhead because "we have always done it this way and this way is the way it needs to stay". When I had to pause the project temporarily while we waited on HQ to send additional materials needed for this project, said coworker took this opportunity to rant in front of our boss that "everything was so hectic and causing them distress" Bear in mind, I sent out several emails office-wide informing everyone of the progress at various stages AND apologies any time a stage was stalled (again, waiting on supplies and materials from HQ). Yet, in front of two management officials this coworker starts to gaslight me saying ZERO emails have been sent, they were completely out of the loop and this unfinished project was disturbing to them. Coworker continues this line of conversation to the point I was visibly upset and had to take my lunch break just to get away from this level of bullying and gaslighting. When I came back to my desk after lunch, the gaslighting continued under the guise of " it wasn't intended to be an attack, I wanted to assist you with this project". Deflated, at this point, I decided to step back from this project temporarily (this was another moment where we were waiting for HQ so it was a natural stopping point anyway). Two other major projects took precedence during this hiatus. Those two projects have since been completed and it was time to re-address the paused project. My boss and I discussed an action plan to restart the project as we were starting a new quarter and our budget had been replenished so more materials were purchased. Right about the time the new supplies the problematic coworker decides to start sabotaging this project again. Now the coworker has dumped 3/4 of the older supplies in the trash saying "those were taking up too much space and they were unnecessary to keep". Again, these are materials that take forever to replenish when we request them. At that point I was done. I told my boss that since the coworker was being allowed to purposely sabotage said project, they were the one who needed to complete it. Said coworker now keeps trying to recruit me back into working on this project and I have refused. Coworker then gets confrontational with me in front of other coworkers and when I refuse to engage with them on that level, coworker raises their voice as though they are the one being attacked to the point that we (coworker, me, boss) end up in one of the back offices having to discuss this. Of course, coworker continues gaslighting by saying I wasn't trying to assist them and they were they true victim in this scenario. While I understand that a boss should be neutral (for the most part), what transpired in the office felt more like the coworker was allowed to run with their wildly inaccurate narrative while I was told to "be the bigger person and do better". I have spent portions of the last 48hours drafting my resignation letter and trying to decide if I should turn it in or whether I should give this job another chance? Thoughts, advice, guidance are all appreciated here. Thanks.

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AnonymousMay 4,2023 at 1:50PM UTC
Move on
AnonymousMay 4,2023 at 1:54PM UTC
Move on! It's a sign of the workplace environment. I was in the same boat. I actually just submitted my resignation letter on Monday. It was absolutely freeing knowing I am opening myself up to better opportunities.
Melissa SMay 4,2023 at 2:41PM UTC
I won't be so quick to say "move on" as the others.
If you enjoy your job and for the most part feel valued and rewarded at the company then I would suggest that you take a deep breath and investigate a few options.
First, check your company's policies on harassment and bullying. Many companies have a formal policy that includes a non-retaliation clause - follow the process outlined for calling attention to the behavior of your co-worker.
Unless the policy states otherwise, you need to have a direct and honest conversation with your supervisor if you haven't already. You need to state that you are feeling targeted and bullied and bring examples. If you trust the competency of your supervisor, give them the benefit of the doubt. A good supervisor is aware and should be keeping notes and logs of the events that are happening. They should also be having conversations with your co-worker about their behavior and if they are doing their job correctly, you would have no way of knowing about it because those conversations should be confidential with the other employee. Always follow up these types of conversations with an email summarizing the message you were hoping to communicate.
If the behavior continues, then you escalate the situation to the next level of management or a member of your Human Resources team.
If you just "move on", you are basically rewarding the bully because this is the outcome they desire and someone else will be the next victim.
All of this assumes you want to stay in your position. If you don't, then go ahead and move on.
AnonymousMay 4,2023 at 2:54PM UTC
These scenarios (regardless of the blow by blow) are not registering with leadership.
Your role in the drama has been contained for now and for that I commend you because I know it's not easy.
To give up your power to this coworker is your Choice just as responding in anyway is your choice including the grand gesture of resigning.
Regardless of what you choose, prioritize your life and situation. If you have a nice 6 to 8 months of savings then by all means, providing notice today without a transition is absolutely in the cards.
Otherwise, be careful to pull this trigger or threat. Instead, if you're serious about leaving, plan your exit with all your ducks in a row. Have an income stream available, your resume and LinkedIn profile updated, bills paid and a tidy sum put aside for your decompression vacation. Be very clear on your plan and taking care of yourself.
If you aren't sure, take a couple of weeks to soul search. Right now you want to make it clear how devastating this situation is for you. Tomorrow it might not be so horrible. After all she is just a drama queen who is insecure but wants things her way. Having meltdowns are her tools. Tantrums and manipulation work on many people who engage with these types of shenanigans. I would suggest finding your inner lion and disengaging completely. That means not allowing the energy in at all.
Sarah ChambersMay 4,2023 at 8:09PM UTC
“Right now you want to make it clear how devastating this situation is for you”
”…finding your inner Lion and disengaging completely”
??
love this whole response!
AnonymousMay 4,2023 at 3:05PM UTC
"BULLIES" "GASLIGHTING "........
I wouldn't jump in with this person. Quit and find something better and pray bullies don't work there.
AnonymousMay 5,2023 at 10:32PM UTC
Bullies are EVERYWHERE.
AnonymousMay 4,2023 at 3:37PM UTC
Please check out Boss Up Culture on YT and Boss Up Culture organization as she has resources and videos about this very topic and what she did/did not do and wished you would have when she looks back. Even if you were to leave right now, that solves the immediate problem of not being in this situation yet there is the trauma, anger, etc afterward and trust issues going into a new place.
AnonymousMay 4,2023 at 9:06PM UTC
Yeah, it's not worth the mental energy to duel with this person.
Gaslighters/manipulators will not bend nor take any responsibility for their actions and as long as management allows the behavior then there's really nothing else you can do, but leave.
So, given that they're "protected or rather tolerated" it's probably best for you to fire off that resignation and keep your mental peace.
However, if you truly do value this company/role, then I wonder if there's an option for you to be transferred out of this division to do something similar or completely different.
At the end of the day, you've gotta do what's best for you and your mental wellbeing!
Good luck to you.
Joan Williams, Senior Talent Acquisition SpecialistMay 5,2023 at 3:27AM UTC
I should think whether or not you resign would depend largely on your finances. How much of a financial cushion do you have? Depending on what you do, it could take many months - up to a year - to find another job. If you can afford to leave, that's an option.
I'm not sure why it would take 48 hours to draft a resignation letter. It should be short and sweet.
Dear Boss:
Please accept this as my written notice of resignation effective May 18, 2023. Thank you for the opportunity.
Best -
Happy Anonymous
Your boss either has your back or they don't. There's no reason for you to "be the bigger person or to do better". Not for nothing, but screw that. This co-worker doesn't get to bully you and then you have to be the bigger person.
Until your boss puts their foot down, this behavior will not change.
In any event, I would fire up that resume asap. If you want to resign, resign. If you need to keep working, stay there as long as you humanly can but kick that job search into high gear.
Personally, I would ignore this other person. They stuck their big fat two cents into the middle of your project to torpedo it - now it's theirs. Not your problem anymore.
Good luck! Keep us posted on what happens.
AnonymousMay 10,2023 at 1:48PM UTC
I 1000% agree.
The SAD thing is this garbage can be stopped in its tracks if the MANAGER would step up to be a manager and not play to the whims of the instigators. I have experienced this all too many times. I agree to find a new position. You will be happier in the long run.
AnonymousMay 5,2023 at 10:39AM UTC
I worked with people like this.
**They are everywhere**, unfortunately. In my experience, the woman who was 25y younger than me wanted me dead (!!) because I was vaccinated (2021), I ate leftovers at lunch and went on PTO for vacations farther than my house. She wanted my role. (She'll CONSTANTLY brag about her daily Starbucks and takeout and then complain she's broke. Eating made her happy because she was depressed for being broke.... cycle of this. Plus religion and add in vaccine controversy- she was an expert in every subject thanks to TikTok). It was an open area and miserable
Unfortunately, she sucked up to the mgr and he told me to "dumb myself down" DESPITE the prior days respecting my work.
This girl was a CSR and this was her first job in an office as opposed to Walmart where she was used to. I was lead accounting and was there before her. .
However, because she told him about her bad childhood, lack of education but full of entitlement for my job, he supported her in bullying me!!!! He told me I "owed her a decent life". Really???!! I was instructed to be compassionate to her. She stated I should be left for dead and I had to coddle her. (I said nothing to her. Young enough to be my daughter and a different department)
I found another role (had nothing to do with this situation as I was furloughed during Covid and this job was a paycheck while I got my career back on track.)
I think you should update the resume but don't quit because of her. DOCUMENT EVERYTHING!!!! As I mentioned, these immature brats are everywhere.
The documentation you had is sufficient - sent emails! You sent it on a date/time. She may have deleted it, but that's on her, not you. Throwing out supplies is her.
Knowledge is power and the gaslighter is completely stupid. They think they know it all, but.... and there's a direct correlation between slackers and amount of gaslighting.
Be careful leaving thinking that the next place is better. These idiots are everywhere and you need to find a way in yourself to deal. At the end of the day, it's a job, not your life. Take back your power.
Rosa E HearnMay 5,2023 at 12:29PM UTC
From this day forward, when you send an update you copy the powers to be. Your boss or the highest you can go WITH power.
If I am behind on a project I make darn sure everyone including the person (HQ) who is making me behind & bosses (not just team) aware of the reasons and why.
I would also STOP apologizing. Unless the delays are directly your fault including your teams fault. Why apologize? You're just admittedly accepting blame.
If you feel by emailing your bosses & even calling out HQ on your progress shouldn't be done, then again you're putting yourself in this situation.
Unfortunately co-workers are not all going to play nice. In other words even if you move jobs, you're not guaranteed the same thing will happen over there too.
BethBMay 5,2023 at 12:47PM UTC
Why should you resign suddenly and impact your own finances? If you think it is unworkable then start looking but don’t let this person’s actions cause you to jump from the frying pan into the fire.
The response to someone choosing, not even accidentally, throwing away needed supplies that take forever to replenish was to tell you to be the bigger person? The response should have been disciplinary for purposely destroying company property.
Unfortunately the narrative that this is a personal issue between you seems to have stuck. Change the narrative.
Strike the word “gaslight” from your vocabulary. While descriptive it’s kind of become an overused cliche. Even if it hasn’t been used at work, it’s still a thought process. Change it to sabotage. Because that’s the end result. You are being sabotaged.
We treat others how they can treat us. For instance, the minute your co-worker raises their voice, very calmly say that raised voices aren’t helpful and you can continue this conversation at another time. And walk away. Don’t allow the convo to go further. If a co-worker says they didn’t get memos you know you sent, calmly suggest that they have IT look at their computer because maybe there is problem with it. And then forward a copy of the sent email to both the co-worker and your boss. Don’t get sucked in.
You will get advice to document or talk to HR or to your manager. These approaches rarely work. HR will see it as personal. Your manager already believes that you are either the problem or part of it. Documentation in place of trust also isn’t a long-term solution.
Learn how to professionally stand up for yourself and see if you can shift this narrative and look for a job before you quit if you think leaving is the best solution.
AnonymousMay 10,2023 at 1:02PM UTC
This is good advice.
AnonymousMay 5,2023 at 12:50PM UTC
I was close to "done" with a similar employee, Often, Karma takes over, and they will get their due, but sometimes that takes longer than one can manage to deal with it. This person was always running to the boss and being a "tattle tale," only telling half the story. When I would be lenient (I was granted discretion) with a client, they were sitting with the boss and telling her everything I did wrong before I was done. When the client left, the boss called on me to explain why I treated this client differently than the stated policy. I was constantly called on the carpet to justify my actions. I was told I was being "too sensitive." I went on medical leave, and they schemed to take my place. I considered looking for a new job while I was out. Then they did something unethical (involving theft from a client) and were fired. I was pleased I didn't have to return to working with them again.
Trust me, you aren't the only one they're doing this to, and management probably understands this concern. They are perhaps skilled at pushing up to the "for cause" clause without crossing it, so they are also hard to fire without having severe trouble for the company, and they know it.
The important thing is that you take care of yourself. While others have stated if you leave, they win. This is the worst reason to stay. You are not in a competition, and your physical and mental (as well as financial) health is at stake. If you can afford an extended leave to find another job, go ahead and resign, but be careful to set up a budget and cut back on anything you don't need (subscriptions and options for your cable are two areas people don't realize can be financial black holes), because you don't know how long it will take to find a new job. Weigh the impact of a lengthy job search on your mental and physical health, and then decide when is the best time to leave.
AnonymousMay 5,2023 at 5:01PM UTC
Oh, I wholeheartedly agree with the karma as I have seen it time and time and time again. For some reason, it does take time but it does happen though. In the interim, it is always best to take care of oneself like you said.
Milissa JacobsMay 5,2023 at 1:16PM UTC
Document document document. Eventually, horrid people like this will make a fatal mistake that ends their job, but in the meantime, make sure that you have protected yourself by keeping track of the gaslighting, etc.
AnonymousMay 5,2023 at 1:31PM UTC
One of the hardest things to deal with as an employer is bad behavior from critical employees. People do not change unless they have to and even then, they will be back at it as soon as your eyes move somewhere else. If your boss is unable to deal with a poorly performing employee who is also a trouble maker, this situation is about your boss, not the trouble maker. There really has to be no room for this troublemaker to run amok and there must be a strong hand from management to deal with them. I understand if the troublemaker is also bringing in a ton of revenue that the manager is in a tough situation, but if this troublemaker is also not worth their salt, what is your boss waiting for? Jettison the troublemaker and get everyone refocused on getting the job done. If your manager cannot handle this part of his job, start looking for a new position and once you have one, drop a dime on him with upper management (if you think they are better managers) but either way be ready to pull the rip cord. This person you are working for is the real problem. Bad behavior has to be dealt with or it spreads like poison through the company, impacting many people. My experience: I let a high producing (not the case here, is it?) manager abuse their direct reports, while counseling her to do better. After a while her direct reports left and started a company to compete with us because they were so bitter. I should have fired her instead of being afraid of losing her contribution, but instead I ended up with a much bigger problem.
AnonymousMay 5,2023 at 4:12PM UTC
^^THIS^^
AnonymousMay 5,2023 at 2:52PM UTC
This sounds like a textbook narcissist you're dealing with, that for some reason has chosen you as their target. I'm sure others are feeling frustration with this person too, as people like this have a hard time keeping allies for long. If you like your job and your company outside of this person, try to find some of them and see what can be done if you pool yourselves together.
Document everything, find an ally in a higher up position than you to share your concerns with, and always use a "gray rock" technique with this person where you simply state facts, and show no emotion when they try to provoke you. For example, if they try gaslighting you about no emails being sent in front of management, calmly say "Yes, and email was sent out on [date] at [time], and you were included in the recipient list." I know it's hard at first, but they'll eventually realize you can't be messed with and move on.
AnonymousMay 5,2023 at 3:54PM UTC
That's very unfortunate your boss isn't backing you up and calling out the disgruntled employee. Sorry you are experiencing this! Before even thinking about resigning, have a heart to heart meeting with your boss to ensure he/she realizes the serious nature of this employee's bullying behavior and the effect on everyone (especially you). Agree with other posts that you should learn how to handle this bully and not apologize for delays that are not your fault.
That employee should be held accountable for throwing away company property too. Unacceptable. Go above your boss if needed.
If you have tried everything to move forward in this job, only then maybe it is time to spiff up your resume and secure a new job before resigning from this one. But don't leave before taking every action possible to shut down that bully.
AnonymousMay 5,2023 at 3:57PM UTC
...and maybe the reason is posts like yours! NOT HELPFUL!!!
"Not to be brash" while being exactly that!
AnonymousMay 5,2023 at 4:11PM UTC
Nope, nope, nope. Cannot give a bully rewards until and unless the behavior changes and positive results are achieved. Bully needs to be called out for trashing supplies (basically stealing form the company) that were not theirs to discard. And the bully needs to be reprimanded.
I had a bully at work and HR director's response was, "Why don't you go have coffee together?" Heck no!!!
AnonymousMay 5,2023 at 4:31PM UTC
These people want drama because it keeps them noticed. Like a screaming 2yr old, something is better than nothing.
Exhausting.
AnonymousMay 5,2023 at 5:12PM UTC
Why not resign? Things are not going well.
Some great advice already offered on how to do that. So I'm going to hope you can leave soon.
AnonymousMay 5,2023 at 10:28PM UTC
Resigning is great, but what happens at the next place when it's worse?!!!
AnonymousMay 7,2023 at 12:26AM UTC
If you experience bullying at each job then I would question why. I've worked for decades and have never experienced it.
AnonymousMay 7,2023 at 1:44PM UTC
You are very fortunate then. Toxicity is everywhere, somehow you avoided it.At my current role, I had a new woman transfer to my department. Her first comment to me after I introduced myself: "go eat a donut, you have issues".Really???! Way out of line. She's in her 50's (worked 20y as a manager, and made it a point that gets along with everyone)
Said she accepted a demotion to be in this large department.
I will not lower myself to her level, but who says crap like this? TG I primarily work remotely.
AnonymousMay 7,2023 at 5:06PM UTC
Toxicity is everywhere in life but those who are successful are everywhere with resilience, self-direction, intelligence and ambition. Those are qualities that do not allow office drama and petty silly people catch their attention.
AnonymousMay 7,2023 at 5:10PM UTC
Exactly. That's why I chose my career over people like this. I completely ignored her comment and move on with what I need to do.
She can act as she wishes and I will do the same.
Joan Williams, Senior Talent Acquisition SpecialistMay 5,2023 at 5:18PM UTC
Why in the world would you reward a bully for bullying you.
AnonymousMay 5,2023 at 6:16PM UTC
You are doing the right thing by turning your back on this person. I would sit them down in private and let them know that you can no longer help them nor support their work because they are undermining your tenure at the company. Don't give them details but also document the conversation. Let HR know and your manager that you need relief and that it is becoming toxic for you if they don't fix it. Stay the course and do your work and if they approach you physically get up and walk away. Silent treatment will let them know you are not accepting this behavior.
Vanda LeeMay 5,2023 at 8:24PM UTC
I agree except for the private part - this person will flip a private conversation around to being attacked. When they do this in front of others - stand your ground & politely calmly point out that is not in fact the truth concerning what's happening with the project etc... People like this don't change but move on when they don't get the attention their gaslighting provides them - narcissistic behavior for sure. Calling them out shuts down the fuel they get from bullying...stand your ground AND have a serious conversation with your leadership concerning this toxic behavior with of course scrupulous documentation. Good luck
Jane EMay 5,2023 at 6:21PM UTC
I had a boss like this several years ago. She made my life (and others' lives) a living hell. I stood up to her all by myself, btw, as no one would really go to bat for me. I even went to HR (before I really knew how useless they can be) and nothing was done. Eventually, she did implode and "retired". I looked over my shoulder for quite a while after that because she was honestly unhinged.
Keep standing up for yourself and if need be, file grievances and of course document the crap out of every encounter.
Liz MilneMay 6,2023 at 4:43AM UTC
If you do give the job another chance, you're going to have to learn to stand your ground: e.g.
'No emails were sent!'
"They were, I have proof!"
"I threw these things away, they were taking up space!"
"I need them, retrieve them immediately, and don't touch anything in [Whatever space they're kept in]" Also - "These items cost the company money: they are NOT yours to dispose of."
And when they start their nonsense, call them out! It's horrible, you'll feel terrible at first - but when they realise they can't trample on you any more, they'll buckle down or bugger off! (hopefully the last one!)
I've worked with people like this: they expand to take up as much space as they can - learn to stake our your own boundaries with them!
AnonymousMay 6,2023 at 11:32AM UTC
I agree completely about standing up for yourself with facts.
Once, someone accused me of never emailing them. In the middle of a conference call, this occurred; i politely excused myself for the 30sec it took to find the sent email a week prior and outlined the date/time.
Such an easy request and they were flabbergasted I had this and pointed it out.
I keep everything important. Teams screenshots when relevant in a story, etc al.
Bullies look for anything to break you down.
Liz MilneMay 6,2023 at 10:43PM UTC
Yes, exactly! And if you let them 'get away with it' they just get worse and worse! It's awful that there are people who think that 'manners' means 'soft and easy to exploit' - fortunately I have a low tolerance for that type of behaviour and will call it out sooner rather than allow it persist!
AnonymousMay 6,2023 at 11:17PM UTC
I'm the poster you replied to and totally agree! Fortunately (or unfortunately?!) the bullies taught me to put my foot down. I'm classy and professional about it, but assertive to put out their fires!!
I'm getting too old for this crap. I'm working to retire. I'm decent and all, but too old for the useless ridiculousness. I have the work ethic and passion but my patience with bullies is super thin!!
AnonymousMay 8,2023 at 10:47PM UTC
Thank you for this!!!!! Well said -- signed a (not calling myself victim) of many bullies
AnonymousMay 11,2023 at 5:58AM UTC
Exactly!
Had a prior collegiate that was nice to me until our supervisor praised my work. (It was her job to do it and she never did so I had to).
She witnessed the praise and it was downhill from there. BTW, she was 60y at the time.
In my experience, they see someone with great opportunities. What they don't see are the all nighters, etc.
What's worse in my situation is that I'm a single mom (left my abuser years ago) and some think this single mother should not have a career (yes, I've been told this on many occasions)
They ask about family or see my ring less hand.
Drama and attention.
AnonymousMay 11,2023 at 8:40PM UTC
Well said! I'm like you - hard worker - stayed up all night last night.
Some people simply don't get it. It's refreshing to hear of those like you ?
A toxic boss supporting a toxic employee - ugh ? The worst.