Our team has a manager who is often rude and intimidating.

17 Comments

1. AnonMay 21,2023 at 1:19PM UTC

   If there's fear of retaliation, that sounds like this person is a bully. The only solution is to stand up to it. Don't just try to live with it - the effects on mental health are slow to show themselves but they're real. As there are a number of you that all feel the same, use HR - it's what they're there for. If you all stand together with no clear 'ringleader,', retaliation is unlikely - she can't fire you all!

2. tiffaniMay 22,2023 at 1:36PM UTC

   Oh they retaliate alright. It’s either subtle or not subtle but if you dig deeper into laws and such there is a limit employers can do and can get away with it. It’s absolute bs but it happens. You will find some of your coworkers and boss maki subtle jobs, being indirect or any tricks they want to ensure you made the wrong move by going to Hr and there is absolutely not a thing you can do about it. I’ve been there. I don’t comply easily with coworkers if they are toxic and I’m vocal so I in ow far too well how it works.

3. AnonymousMay 21,2023 at 3:27PM UTC

   I would suggest having a team meeting with your manager. Have an open , honest and respectful discussion about your experiences. Document the key points that can be sent to your manager and HR if needed.

   Most often, rude or toxic people don’t just display this behavior in a private setting. Take the issues you have with her to her boss and get guidance. If there is still no resolution take your issues HR and support your statements with the facts.

   I hope this is helpful.

4. ToddMay 23,2023 at 12:25PM UTC

   In my experience, don’t bother taking it to HR. They are there to protect the company. I took VIDEO documentation of the kind of behavior you describe on the part of the Director of my department to HR. Unless laws were broken, they won’t help you.

5. Erin AskewMay 23,2023 at 12:36PM UTC

   I am so sorry your HR experience was so terrible, Todd. That's not the kind of HR I practice. But we'll go with your logic. A toxic boss drives demoralization, apathy, and turnover--- all of which are expensive for companies. Paper does help, though, brainstorm recent examples of her poor behavior with your team members, make notes (your "paper") and meet with HR together initially to show the issue is pervasive... not just one personality conflict. I hope you find the professional empathetic ear in your HR that all of us should strive to be.

6. AnonymousMay 23,2023 at 12:34PM UTC

   Our office has a very toxic manager who does a lot of things to stir up trouble. I know people higher up from me have complained about this person, but nothing has changed. As a team, we do everything we can to keep the manager away from us. I don’t think this is the greatest solution, but it’s made our jobs much better.

7. Crystal HowellMay 23,2023 at 12:38PM UTC

   Bullying in the work place, hr won't do anything. Tape it and try eeoc it's verbal abuse, reach out to other workers and see if they feel the same. Bullies are so insecure,they don't listen until you bark back it may work.

   Hr would want chronological dates, times, witnesses. They are for the company, at least you reported. Good luck

8. Heather BinghamMay 23,2023 at 12:42PM UTC

   I don't think your email gives enough information, and that could well be that you haven't collected enough information yourselves. I think you should take it as read that her emails are friendly and positive, and start documenting the behaviours that create toxicity and lead to demoralisation. Only when you can look at it on paper, can you really judge the next steps. Until you've done this, I would hesitate to go to HR without the information - until you can say with precision what she is doing wrong, HR will not have any options and your team will look like the problem, not the manager.

   It amazes me how many bosses with sociopathic tendencies are described on these pages; it feels like an epidemic. I wonder if the distances created by COVID have somehow created this issue where some naturally less emotional managers are no longer in touch with the human side of their teams. Some managers seem to have completely forgotten how to behave with human beings. HR departments are going to realise soon that they need to correct a lot of managerial behaviour if this is the case.

9. AnonymousMay 23,2023 at 12:47PM UTC

   I agree with other posters. Record these conversations and use this in HR

10. Milissa JacobsMay 23,2023 at 1:09PM UTC

    You should probably check to see if it is legal to record a person without their knowledge where you live. Also, if it were me, I would just talk to HR without the covert tactics. I don't think I would be very excited to have conversations with employees that knowingly record conversations without everyone being aware. If a manager is bad, it is up to HR to find out the truth of the matter.

11. AnonymousMay 23,2023 at 1:36PM UTC

    Please keep in mind HR is there to protect the company.

12. AnonymousMay 23,2023 at 1:37PM UTC

    If you can provide more specific examples as to what the Toxic behavior is then perhaps people will be able to help you brainstorm specific actions to take.

13. AnonymousMay 23,2023 at 2:36PM UTC

    Have you tried talking to this toxic manager? Maybe they don’t realize how they come across and how they make you feel. Most people respect constructive criticism, and you could find some common ground potentially. Negativity breads Negativity, go into it as assuming good intent if your goal is to fix the toxicity.

14. AnonymousMay 23,2023 at 2:38PM UTC

    So I work in Hr and had an HR manager do this to me. The entire team (minus one person who was a few years always from her pension retirement) ended up leaving in less than 2 years from the HR managers start date. She wrote up one person for clocking in 7 seconds late after the start time of 8am. She would write toxically positive emails asking for people to do things that were outside of their job duties etc. We discussed going to her supervisor as a group and didn’t. We all ended up leaving at different times for the same reason. My advice would be to start documenting everything. If it’s a one party consent do it. If not do it and tell her you are going to record the conversation. You can say you want to make sure you are catching all the details for whatever assignment she wants to discuss. Sometimes telling people you are going to record them helps. Sometimes they will forget and their “rude acts” will get recorded anyway. Once you think you have enough go to HR and show them the documentation, recordings. But also know HR is there to protect the company. Not you. I wish we had gone as a group to my old boss’ supervisor. I ended up going alone later after she attempted to write me up for failing to do a job task she assigned to me in 8 hours that she had weeks to do and didn’t. The write up was rescinded but I ended up leaving. I am much happier now but wish I had done more and known more earlier. I probably wouldn’t have had the year of mental anguish I did. Document Document Document. In HR we say if it’s not documented it didn’t happen.

15. Donna WhiteMay 23,2023 at 2:42PM UTC

    This Manager kows excatly what she is doing and thinks she can get away with it. Everyone in the office needs to call HR. Three to ten complaints can not be ignored. And HR will have to step in and investigate.

16. AnonymousMay 23,2023 at 6:15PM UTC

    Document, document, document even if not in writing from them keep a timeline, everyone should, note who was present so if legal action is needed you have witnesses and back up to the poor behavior. Bullying is a fine line and unless they are doing something against a protected group most likely they will get a slap on the hand and nothing will be done by your HR, as mentioned they are there to protect only the company. You and your coworkers need to be strong and united, I was once in this same situation and it took someone external to finally light the fire under HR and leadership to be rid of the person and remove the toxicity from the team they lead. This is after over a dozen individuals made complaints The teams numbers went right back up after leadership realized how badly it was impacting all of us...even had to get counseling. If this is impacting revenue and you can show how you have a better chance.

17. AnonymousMay 24,2023 at 11:39AM UTC

    definitely follow advice to document everyone needs to , but I have worked in these situations many many times and I will say he will try to protect this manager not you and your colleagues. If the manager has friends in he and higher places she will not be the one to go . I have worked with bad horrible managers and when people went forward it wasn’t the manager who was punished , I told her about a manager that harassed me made fun of me in front of people nothing happened I finally found another job and he is still there , I would say keep good documentation but be realistic