I would like to hear opinions from the community; Do you think it is appropriate for a male manager to advise a female employee to "smile more"?

44 Comments

1. KathySeptember 6,2024 at 1:11PM UTC

   Men who tell women to 'smile more' are being sexist and condescending.

2. AnonymousSeptember 6,2024 at 1:32PM UTC

   I have definitely had conversations with males on my team about the look on their face and what it communicates. Especially once we went remote and that is the only body language we see anymore.

   In fact a month ago after seeing a teammates deadpan face for a few calls I had a one on one to discuss and find out whats going on and share what is being communicated.

   I made it a priority to smile more in meetings and now I dont even think about it, it was difficult in the beginning. The unspoken message it sends makes working with others better, its hard for someone to keep being a jerk when everyone else is plesant and approachable.

   Now telling you to smile because its pretty is unnecessary and a seperate issue to tackle.

3. AnonymousSeptember 6,2024 at 4:19PM UTC

   YES!!!!! Great reply!

4. AnonymousSeptember 6,2024 at 1:37PM UTC

   Next time, ask him if he also asks the men to smile more. Men have been saying this to only women for decades and it's time to end this sexist behavior.

5. GDMSeptember 6,2024 at 1:38PM UTC

   Regardless of gender, if a person is working with "people" they should be friendly which could include a smile. The gender of the supervisor should not matter nor should the gender of the employee when it comes to doing the job tasks well and giving feedback about the required tasks (i.e. smiling, being friendly, etc.).

6. AnonymousSeptember 6,2024 at 1:44PM UTC

   It's a power move. Speaking down establishes a power dynamic. Women often tell males coworkers to calm down or you look sad. Same dynamic.

7. KatSeptember 6,2024 at 1:51PM UTC

   I can understand if you are in a public facing situation where a smile would help put someone at ease. But if it's just while you're doing your job, it's not needed. If your manager tells everyone (male and female) to smile more -and there's a good reason for it-that's fine. If he's singling you (or other women) out to do so, that's sexist.

   As for what to do about it, that depends. If you have a good relationship with your boss, you can point out that it's sexist and dated. Smiling is not a requirement to do any job. You could also respond with "so should you" and maybe he'll get why it's a dumb comment. If you don't, then just ignore it. Nod your head and keep doing your job. If it comes up in performance review or effects your promotion chances, that could be considered sexual discrimination and you'd need to involve HR. Let's hope it doesn't come to that and your boss recognizes that he needs to stop.

8. JB09718September 6,2024 at 2:02PM UTC

   Agree! I think it depends on your relationship with your boss and also the context. Did someone complain and was the “you should smile more” comment part of that discussion? Or did he just say that in passing?

9. AnonymousSeptember 6,2024 at 2:39PM UTC

   Not able to really judge from this snapshot, however, I would hope that they do this with the team overall. You can take it to cringy or figure out why you're being perceived this way of seeming to not be happy in a role that is so important.

10. AnonymousSeptember 6,2024 at 3:14PM UTC

    Definitely not. If someone says that to you let them know that your smile is a gift that you give to others when they do something that makes you want to give it away.

11. AnonymousSeptember 6,2024 at 4:07PM UTC

    Anytime someone says that to me, it pisses me off. Sorry...not sorry

12. AnonymousSeptember 6,2024 at 4:08PM UTC

    I don't think it is inappropriate in the least. You should have your "best face on" as an approachable employee, just like any other body language or technical skill that you excel at for your job. It us not about being pretty or not. It is a LOT easier to work with someone who looks approachable than one who doesn’t. Plus smiling changes one's attitude and demeanor positively. Try it!

    You have the ability to change someone's day for the better with a simple smile!

13. AnonymousSeptember 6,2024 at 4:17PM UTC

    Agree 100%! Love, love, love this input!!! Thank you for this response that echoes what I was going to share with the op! SMILE, people! It is not hard and means so much in this crazy world! Smiling also provides mood boosting not only to you, but also to those who see you smile!

14. CgSeptember 6,2024 at 4:29PM UTC

    I dont entirely agree. Does this manager expect men to smile more? What kind of job is this? Was this said in a way that quite frankly would constitute sexual harassment? If the job is not customer facing its zero percent a woman's responsibility to make other people happy through pretending to feel something they dont UNLESS every (and i really do mean every, would you tell a male ceo he needs yo smile more? ) employee is required to have the same behavior. Also asking women to smile for the benefit of men is gross.

15. AnonymousSeptember 6,2024 at 4:31PM UTC

    Feedback is about the giver's perception and given through the lens they have on the world. (This coming from a female Director who was once given feedback by my female VP to smile LESS.) I try to go through life assuming positive intent about whatever anyone says to me, but it's difficult, especially when someone is addressing your appearance and something as personal as a smile.

    I probably would have said to your manager, "That's interesting feedback. In what situations do you think smiling more would have a stronger impact on my results?" If the manager had positive intent, they may have answered that it could set patients' minds at ease, improve relationships with your peers or help soften high-stress situations.

    In my situation, when I was asked to smile less, it was in the context of being considered for a higher level position, and I realized that my VP thought that my smiling more was too welcoming and indicated I couldn't make difficult decisions. This wasn't true, but was her perception and I took it into consideration in various scenarios. Ultimately, I decided I wasn't going to smile less for anyone. You be you!

16. AnonymousSeptember 7,2024 at 4:19AM UTC

    I once heard feedback from a male director that I smiled too much. I never again smiled at him.

17. AnonymousSeptember 6,2024 at 5:49PM UTC

    The part I feel is inappropriate is that it 'makes you look prettier. ' Smiling provides a welcoming and approachable environment. Some of us have resting b*tch face and can aware scowling even when we're in a good mood. Remembering to smile lifts your mood as well as others. Projecting a positive images does make a difference but as a woman you shouldn't be made to feel it's a beauty issue. If so, fair game to ask guys to walk around flexing their muscles so they'll appear stronger. (Just kidding but the same connotation applies)

18. AnonymousSeptember 6,2024 at 6:02PM UTC

    Nope, men always do that to subtly talk down to you. They don't say that to other men!

19. AnonymousSeptember 6,2024 at 9:39PM UTC

    Tell them, I do smile. Just not at you. Ok, may be you can't say that. I was told wow, I've never heard you laugh like that. I'm thinking I'm too stressed out here to laugh like I do when I'm relaxed.

    Answer could be: I smile all the time in my personal life, at work, I'm focused and I have a very focused work face. To make light, say, well, if you told me a good joke once in a while I will smile AND giggle. Ugh, men.

20. AnonymousSeptember 6,2024 at 10:42PM UTC

    Your told to smile because your being perceived as negative in the work place... Take offense if he asks you to wear makeup-now that's rude.

21. Material GirlSeptember 7,2024 at 7:07AM UTC

    Unless there's a job-related reason for being smiley, eg. customer service, entertainment- then no, your boss or colleagues have no business telling you to "smile more because you're so pretty when you smile". You can be professional, civil and courteous, but you don't owe your coworkers pretty.

    Perhaps the next time someone tells you this, ask them if they ask men to smile more. Or tell them I don't smile at ugly people.

22. AnonymousSeptember 7,2024 at 4:39PM UTC

    If your resting face has an expression that isn't welcoming, people may have suggested you smile more and may have thought they were framing it positively by saying "you're so pretty". You mention that this isn't the first time this has happened. Misguided, badly worded, but well-meaning.

    In a Healthcare setting, a smile could make you more approachable, so it could be valid feedback, and it could have an impact on patient experience.

    With that said, commenting on anyone's looks is dangerous territory, and it raises all the issues mentioned here.

    Try to process the feedback in terms of whether it has merit. This could be both politically wrong and also true.

23. Joan Williams, Senior Talent Acquisition SpecialistSeptember 7,2024 at 5:21PM UTC

    This always stands right on top of my last good nerve. It is no one else's business how much you do or do not smile.

    I find this comment to be sexist, misogynist and inappropriate.

24. Julie Chatman, MBA, CISMSeptember 8,2024 at 1:55AM UTC

    In a recent role, a male peer told me to make sure I say “please” as the incident commander when I give directives and tasks during a cybersecurity incident. He said he could feel his body tense up when I was telling him what to do. This happened less than 24 months ago. This stuff is real and it’s unfortunate.

25. TamaraSeptember 8,2024 at 12:22PM UTC

    I work in the same field and this kind of feedback is common from some men and also infuriating. If you were a man they would not be asking you to say please. Some men can't handle feeling like they are being told what to do by a woman. My advice is to always be super polite and pleasant. That has worked best for me over my 30 year career. It's unfair and it's a double standard, but the weak men who can't handle taking direction from a woman are not going to change. Good luck!

26. Material GirlSeptember 11,2024 at 12:20PM UTC

    Sad but true. Men are allowed to be direct and concise, but women get told to soften their language and watch their tone. Then they're told they aren't authoritative enough so not cut out for management. They get penalised either way

27. Rachel ScaerSeptember 8,2024 at 3:23PM UTC

    ?

28. Material GirlSeptember 11,2024 at 12:18PM UTC

    I'd love to know what you replied to him. Sounds like he needs to build his resilience :)

29. Julie Chatman, MBA, CISMSeptember 28,2024 at 5:10AM UTC

    It was an unpleasant surprise; however, it was indicative of the culture - this happened in front of a member of the C-Suite who reacted as if it was appropriate feedback

    Valuable data point

30. AnonymousSeptember 8,2024 at 12:55PM UTC

    Is this a repeat post? I’ve seen this before.

31. AnonymousSeptember 8,2024 at 1:00PM UTC

    No

32. Judith SheehanSeptember 8,2024 at 2:39PM UTC

    No. My understanding is it can be deemed as harassment.

    regardless - it’s rude.

33. Annetta MosesSeptember 8,2024 at 7:24PM UTC

    I have several female friends who manage employees in customer facing positions. See has reminded both male and female employees to smile, say please and thank you, make eye contact and address customers by their names.

    If your manager asks you to smile more and you have a job where you need to be approachable, I would consider it performance feedback. If he wants you to smile more so you look pretty, I would consider it harassment.

34. AnonymousSeptember 8,2024 at 11:36PM UTC

    Ditto on what Annetta said...

35. AnonymousSeptember 8,2024 at 7:42PM UTC

    Thank you for saying this! I also work with people who are so miserable that they’re unapproachable. One person refuses to engage when I say good morning or pass her in the hall. She separates herself from the team, too. I have no energy to see what’s wrong or why she’s on a foul mood, again, so I unfortunately distance myself and focus more on people with positive energy.

36. AnonymousSeptember 8,2024 at 11:22PM UTC

    No way...very intrusive.

37. Megan LeasherSeptember 9,2024 at 12:22PM UTC

    No. Rude.

38. John MaloneSeptember 9,2024 at 12:38PM UTC

    Smiles creates Smiles for others whether you are male female. If you are not feeling it. You need to work on yourself

39. Jacqueline CutlerSeptember 9,2024 at 12:54PM UTC

    Only if he says the same obnoxious statement to males.

40. AnonymousSeptember 9,2024 at 1:02PM UTC

    The only time I've seen this happen (for any gender) is when it's expected for the job (e.g. hospitality, sales, etc.) - and typically based on feedback (to provide a "friendly" atmosphere). And, often given as general training / instruction. Only later given as one-on-one advice if all of the above happened and one needs a reminder.

    Other than that, and especially if you don't know your boss well, no- this is not appropriate - and a bit tone deaf. I've never had this happen to me. If you want, you could "manage up" and if he brings it up, ask him to explain. You'll likely rattle him and maybe that will have repercussions for you, but it will also let him know what he can/shouldn't say. Up to you. Alternatively, you could just do what you want.

41. AnonymousSeptember 9,2024 at 2:29PM UTC

    "Then give me something to smile about."

42. AnonymousSeptember 10,2024 at 1:01PM UTC

    As someone who has a chronic case of "my face speaks louder than my voice," I've heard this a lot. My "too serious" face made me seem unapproachable as a pastor and chaplain, so I have heard it from male and female bosses, clients, and parishioners. It has always put me off, as I have never been one that is widely considered as beautiful or attractive, and working with people with heartbreaking conditions, smiling too much can be as off-putting as the resting b----- face. The bottom line is if you don't feel like smiling or don't feel it appropriate for the situation, then let it slide. My awareness of how my facial expressions can be distracting has allowed me to adjust in some circumstances. When I worked in retail, I had an exercise that I would do something to make every customer smile, and the best way to do that was for me to smile at them. This exercise didn't seem appropriate when working in healthcare or case management with people in heartbreak. Adjust to the situation, but only if you're feeling it because a smile on the outside without smiling on the inside isn't genuine, and it will come across that way.

43. AnonymousSeptember 11,2024 at 7:27PM UTC

    Partially agree with this... yes to adjusting facial expression appropriate for the situation. On point for smiling at others makes them want to smile as well...it's just spreading joy! Others NOTICE a smile and it has the powerful ability to turn a sad frown into a smile and make someone's day.
    Just like forgiveness, you may not 'feel' it when you apologize, but always forgive, and the emotions will follow. So smile even when you don't 'feel' it, and the emotions will follow.

44. tina myersJuly 31,2025 at 9:26PM UTC

    If they don't make the same comment to male employees working in the same position, they shouldn't be saying it to a female.