How to navigate a team member who mansplains and undermines one professional standing.

12 Comments

1. AnonymousDecember 9,2021 at 11:08PM UTC

   I think a private conversation with real life examples are best. Then offer up your preferred course of interaction or behavior.

2. AnonymousDecember 10,2021 at 8:45PM UTC

   Thank you for your advice :)

3. AnonymousDecember 10,2021 at 3:44PM UTC

   This can be so frustrating! I'll echo the other comment, to have a private conversation with the person detailing: what they said, how it made you feel, and offer a suggestion of how they could better communicate in the future. What are you wanting to do?

4. AnonymousDecember 10,2021 at 8:47PM UTC

   Thank you for your advice, I did chat one on one with him and he saw nothing wrong with the behavior. He was counseled by male peers and as I was leaving the team for a new client project looks like he is trying to change behavior.

5. AnonymousDecember 14,2021 at 3:55PM UTC

   Sadly, he had to be counseled by male peers before he changed his ways. That says it all...

6. AnonymousDecember 15,2021 at 4:10PM UTC

   I’ve been there, and tried to have a one-on-one conversation with a former colleague who kept talking over me in meetings. He kept referring to it as “interrupting”, and I said, “No, interrupting has a preamble—an ‘excuse me,’ or ‘let me stop you there for a moment’. What you do is simply talk while I’m talking, in the hopes that I will stop talking. Interrupting can be done politely, but there’s no way to politely talk over someone; it’s just rude.”

   His response? “Would you rather I let you speak and be wrong?”

   Um, YES! I mean geez, let me SPEAK, full stop. I told him that if he would let me speak and he didn’t agree with what I was saying, he could wait until I was done to disagree.

   Long story short, this didn’t help. I couldn’t get him to see that there is a difference between interrupting and talking over people. And I knew couldn’t even bring the issue of underlying sexism (this is a behavior he ONLY engages in with female identifying colleagues) into the conversation because he had once been accused of racism by an intern, and rather than respond with any sort of introspection or self awareness to that accusation, he just went on and on about how he was “the least racist person.” Still, even with my being really careful not to push his buttons in that way, the discussion did not achieve the desired result.

   BUT, I definitely don’t think that means we should stop trying to have such conversations.

7. AnonymousDecember 14,2021 at 3:54PM UTC

   Maybe not "How it made you feel" unless you can take the "feelings" out of it. Mansplainers are looking for anything they can see as an "emotional" reaction so telling him how it made you "feel" is playing into his preconceived idea of women and allows him (in his little mind) to dismiss what you are saying.

8. Liz MilneDecember 13,2021 at 12:08AM UTC

   Uh-uh, no. Be labeled as a combative woman. Why do women have to be 'nice' all the time? I'll tell you why - because men (before anyone says it:no, not all men: just the ones that are a problem for working women!) find it more comfortable that way.

   If someone starts talking over you, either raise your own voice until they shut up or stand up and put your hand up, if necessary saying, 'I was not finished speaking' over and over until they stop or someone stops them.

   If they explain your expertise to you, tell them your qualifications. eg, 'I have a doctorate in economics, I am aware.' OR just, 'That is *my* area of expertise. As I was saying...'

   You never have to shout, scream, abuse or swear at them - in fact, I would strongly urge anyone tempted to lash out to restrain themselves, because a woman showing emotion is very easy to write off.

   'Chicks, amiright?' eyeroll, and he's got all the power.

   But do speak more loudly and more firmly than you think you should - you're pitching your voice so everyone in the room can hear you clearly, because even though you're calling him out, you absolutely do want everyone to pay attention.

   We are trained as young girls (or we were, I really hope the 'girls have lovely soft voices' BS is being done away with: let your girls have their rebel yell, their ear-splitting whistle, the right to find and express their voice...) to be quiet and submissive and it is HARD to overcome that, and it's easy to get wrong. Calm, confident, firm and unafraid of being heard - find an inner alter ego who has those traits and let her take over when you need her. Future you will thank you. xx

9. Liz MilneDecember 13,2021 at 12:09AM UTC

   Ugh, sorry for the wodge of text, I did type it up with line breaks, but they vanished!

10. GirlBossanova934974December 15,2021 at 4:51PM UTC

    I would think that as we approach the year 2022, we would be able to start moving away from "gender stereotypes" and not so useful labeling. Certain people are going to label you as combative regardless of your gender. To be candid, there are some organizations where people cannot make up their minds and no one makes a decision. If that is NOT for you, well better not join up or stick around. There are other organizations where there are lot of "fence sitters" who wait around for other people to make the decision and take all the risks involved in those decisions. They jump on the bandwagon as soon as the work has been put in and then they try to steal credit. The person who takes the risks is labeled by many as "combative", "aggressive" etc.. It is a very sophomoric way of expressing jealousy. Again, if this isn't for you, it is best not to sign or stick around. It is all about finding the place that fits with your career goals and approach. You cannot fix dysfunctional people, management, or organizations. That is one thing I have learned in several decades of work.

11. AnonymousDecember 31,2021 at 6:29PM UTC

    Start here!

    https://www.phillymag.com/business/2019/04/22/mansplaining-at-work/

12. Ramona d'ViolaDecember 31,2021 at 6:30PM UTC

    Kamala vs. Pence. I think we knew who won...the debate and otherwise. Seemed very effective.

    https://youtu.be/tXFqTGBty1w