I need to figure out what it means to be less emotional.

Anonymous

September 28,2021 at 9:43AM UTC

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I need to figure out what it means to be less emotional.

First of all, I am not a mean person. I don't threaten or bully people ... I don't call people names when I disagree with them ... I don't swear or anything like that ... I don't cry at work or yell at work or explode in rages or collapse in a heap of despair or anything like that -- and I don't do these things in any part of my life, not just at work.

But I am constantly receiving feedback, including from more than one (male) boss who has diagnosed my problem as that I am too emotional.

Honestly, I really can't tell what it is that counts as too emotional. I mean, no I don't talk in a flat and detached voice about just about anything, ever. Sometimes I think that's why I am seen as too emotional. I do feel passionate about - well, really, just about everything I do - including my work.

I get excited about good things, laugh at funny things, get frustrated when there are barriers to people doing their best work, etc., etc. and my tone of voice does reflect how I feel about the topic. I THINK ... and this is really an honest question ... I think maybe that is what counts as "too emotional. (???)

I think what I am being told I should be doing is talking in the same flat, detached voice about everything no matter how I feel about it. Like instead of saying, "We produced twice as many results in the first half of this year as we did in the first half of last year (excitedly). Woo Hoo!!! Way to go team!!!!" I think what they want is that I should just report that as a flat, dry fact with no detectable emotion in my voice when I say it.

Is that really the only possible way of being that is considered appropriate workplace behavior? This is a real question.

Sometimes I think this is really just another way of saying that I should be more like a man.

I think I really don't "get" what it means to be less emotional, or why that would be a good thing.

Help?

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Kendra PhelpsSeptember 28,2021 at 12:30PM UTC
Men tend to call women emotional even if your tone is calm. Most men in general underestimate women and view us as overly emotional and not logical thinkers. It is unfair. Do not change your personality because they do not like it. If your reviews are good continue to keep up the great work. Men do not consider women and how we view things as equal so take their comments with a grain of salt
AnonymousSeptember 28,2021 at 12:39PM UTC
Sounds like they are mistaking enthusiasm and genuine appreciation for your job as "emotion."
AnonymousSeptember 28,2021 at 12:46PM UTC
I would ask for more feedback from people you trust and care about you. They would be able to give examples so you could understand the complaints.
I think "emotional " may mean you are intense with your energy (I'm just guessing here). Perhaps subtle things like staying on a topic too long or gravitating to emotional descriptions or speaking with a heightened intensity and choosing emotional subjects to focus on. I'm guessing they may be saying you are high strung, might talk a lot and react to things that others might ignore or find too emotional.
All these things bring an energy to you that I don't think you can or should change. But maybe your energy is not fitting into a more chill & relaxed office or group of coworkers. Perhaps your energy isn't a fit for this group. That is not a right or wrong thing. It just doesn't fit this particular dynamic. Your energy, expression and level of engagement is maybe an 8 and theirs is a 4. It just may not work or blend well.
I actually have the opposite issue. I've been told my whole life that I'm too chill and very laid back so I'm aware of what that feedback means to people who don't know me. I have always gravitated to environments that better match my energy so I don't have to struggle either being surrounded by too much emotional energy. It makes me a bit uncomfortable. It really affects my nervous system.
AnonymousSeptember 29,2021 at 12:26PM UTC
Well said! Culture fit. I wish it was easier to identify the “energy” of a team prior to starting a job.
NicoleSeptember 28,2021 at 1:13PM UTC
Would he tell a male that acted in a similar way that they are “too emotional?” I’ve been told in the past that I’m “aggressive and confrontational” because I hold people accountable and don’t shy away from difficult conversations. This has been told to me by other women! Short of having extreme outbursts, what constitutes someone as too emotional?
Diane J HuffSeptember 28,2021 at 1:25PM UTC
Welcome to my world, and so many other females that hear this particular comment from male bosses! It's frustrating that men can be passionate and authoritative and confrontational and that boils to down to "mean, bitchy and emotional" in women. It is truly the definition of a double standard. I could give you all the ways that you can tamp down your behavior to satisfy your male bosses but here's the thing - WHY? Why change yourself? Why be less positive? Why can't you be your most genuine self? I have always been told that, as an executive, I smile too much and because of that, I have no gravitas and the team won't respect me because of it. But here's the thing - the team DID respect me! I just made the other male executives uncomfortable. So again, I could tell you to change and alter your behavior, but I won't. Find a place that respects your positive upbeat and emotional nature. They DO exist. Take your time and look around and be clear in your interviews - I'm upbeat and positive and genuine. There are many companies that respect it and respond to it. Trust me.
LisaSeptember 28,2021 at 1:44PM UTC
Women are too emotional, but men are enthusiastic.
Ask for details.
I've been told I'm too aggressive. My response? I didn't know that asking people to be accountable was aggressive. FYI - I'm a Program Manager - its my actual job to hold people accountable!!
I didn't know that being business-like in a business was offensive.
Men seem to expect that women should be happy - but not too happy because that's just not professional.
Rene LetendreSeptember 28,2021 at 2:26PM UTC
I'll start by saying that EVERYONE has room for growth and improvement. I am going to assume that this feedback you are receiving is given with the genuine desire to achieve a better working environment, and to help you grow and improve professionally.
It is obvious that, from your perspective, your charisma and style are appropriate and professional. However, if more than one person (male OR female) has given you the same feedback, then take note. Ask for concrete examples so that you can identify exactly what they are experiencing as "emotional" or "too emotional". It doesn't mean you ARE those things--it means that is how they experience interacting with you. And their perspective, just like yours, is valid.
Once you have some specific examples of what they are referring to, you can identify 1-If you can do your job in a way that is authentic and your true self or 2-If you can make a small change in your approach or 3-If you just don't "fit" with the culture and need to move on.
Again, I think it is a MAJOR red flag when multiple people provide the same feedback--especially when these are people who are trustworthy and seeking to offer you honest, genuine feedback (instead of passive-aggressively acting out on their impressions; it takes courage to give someone difficult feedback). Good relationships and good teamwork require EVERYONE to willingly give AND receive honest feedback with the intention of building trust, improving relationships, and creating a stronger team. I'd also ask for feedback about what you are doing well so that you can focus on incorporating more of that into your work.
There could be something else entirely going on--some underlying issue that is being framed as you being too emotional. Get to the bottom of things--get specific--so you can understand what they mean. If they don't want you "whoooo hoooing" about great sales, then find out WHY and respect their reasons, but it doesn't mean that you need to be a robot or change who you are.
Healthcare workerSeptember 29,2021 at 12:48PM UTC
The only thing I would caution about is when you say if multiple people are giving you this feedback. Often, when multiple people are discussing a personality trait of an individual it’s driven by one person who engages others into mobbing.
Rene LetendreSeptember 29,2021 at 2:22PM UTC
I somewhat agree. I made the assumption (which could be wrong) that the "multiple people" were from different contexts (teams, organizations, multiple supervisors), etc. If, however, this is an isolated instance where 1 instigator is getting others to come forward with the same feedback then it could be discounted. If that is the case, I'd still give the benefit of the doubt (maybe I shouldn't....) that those people genuinely care about making things better and are not trying to "punish" someone or play stupid politics at work.
AnonymousSeptember 29,2021 at 12:54AM UTC
There are a lot of ways to be emotional. You don't have to cry or yell. You could get over concerned or bothered by certain things or people.
In an office or team there is a natural rhythm to the group. And science shows us that people instinctively adjust their energy to match that of the group. So you might not be syncing with the group or be aware you are out of sync and are going against the grain so you're seen as too emotional. Self awareness is something very subtle and can be learned to a degree if you stay open to really hearing people's comments about your behavior or reactions.
Joan Williams, Senior Talent Acquisition SpecialistSeptember 29,2021 at 3:36AM UTC
Have they told you to smile more yet?
Healthcare workerSeptember 29,2021 at 12:19PM UTC
Yep there it is Joan hit that nail on the head. And then when she adjusts to be more like the men in approach and speech mannerisms she will get the lecture about her tone. It’s a no win.
Jennifer HoweSeptember 29,2021 at 12:20PM UTC
Ha! Exactly!
AnonymousSeptember 29,2021 at 12:20PM UTC
I think the use of this word “emotional” by a boss or manager is a very poor choice of words. It has been used for ages to tell women that they don’t belong in the workplace due to “emotional instability.”
I don’t know how to interpret this “feedback” in a productive way other than to… keep asking questions about what they mean. Engage in inquiry. You may find that what they really mean to say is something else and it was just a poor choice of words. Or, perhaps it’s just general sexism. I have experienced both. One person used this term because he wasn’t able to find better vocabulary. Another used the term as a sexist slur. Good luck.
Lia BlokhuisSeptember 29,2021 at 12:25PM UTC
It's just another form of sexism. How many men has he asked to be "less emotional"? And how is it measured and quantified in a performance review? These kinds of things seriously undermine women in the workplace. Go to HR.
AnonymousSeptember 29,2021 at 12:25PM UTC
I have lives with comments like this for years, what is that even mean ? I have never in all of my years working heard anyone say anything close to that to a man, when I say something my boss doesn’t like “I’m “emotional” it just makes me tired. If we raise our voice we are yelling ,if we hold someone accountable we are bitchy, if we don’t speak up we are to quiet, it’s a game you cannot win
Lori CasoSeptember 29,2021 at 12:27PM UTC
The bigger question here is “is your emotional nature getting in the way of your work?” If your manager said this in an offhand way , “ oh you’re just emotional…” then I’d just ignore it. If he is pointing this out to you as part of a review… then please take notice! How your boss perceives you IS important. Do NOT get defensive, rather ask for examples so you can be more aware. Maybe when you express “barriers that stop people from doing their best work” it’s coming across more emotional than you realize?
Healthcare workerSeptember 29,2021 at 12:28PM UTC
I had a female boss many years ago who would do the dirty work of the men by telling me well others think you are too this or that. Always about personality stuff never about work performance. In actuality it was always couched with how great they thought my clinical care was, bedside manner etc just an all around excellent clinician. But the personality stuff. I point blank called her on the carpet after listening to this for about a year and asked her, do you get any of this type of feedback about any of the men in my position? Do you even discuss personality traits with the male reports. Do any of the doctors bring up anything about the personalities of my male counterparts. She squirmed and tried to say well yeah sometimes and I asked really? How did that go? Is personality characteristics even on their performance reviews. Finally she said no and I said well there it is, this is sexist, I won’t stand for it, and I’m disappointed in you engaging them in these type of discussions. I never heard about my personality again, and she grew tremendously as a manager. I still left after another year for another opportunity ($30,000 more per year tell me that wasn’t also part of the female equation where I worked) and I haven’t looked back. I heard a year after I left that they still hadn’t filled my position and had been through three or four people who noped out quick. And my boss? She left a year after I did and we are now great professional colleagues in academic and professional association settings.
Karen lindquistSeptember 29,2021 at 12:30PM UTC
I think Americans make it very hard to say anything these days, which is most unhelpful for honest conversation.
That said, the phrase “be less emotional” is one way of saying “manage and mind your emotions.”
I tell my employees to take their egos out of work and be responsible for their feelings and not dump their emotions on other people. This is pretty straightforward.
No one else is responsible for how you “feel.” The bottom line at work is that there should be respect in any exchange, and all conversations should generally be with an eye to solving problems or how to best accomplish work.
I’ve had grown women actually stamp their feet and say things like “it’s not fair” when they were asked to do something basic that I’ve done for decades, as have other members of the crew.
In fact, the number of interpersonal disputes I have to help resolve because two grown women cannot mind and manage their own emotions is now about half my time working. I am sooooo tired of grown people not being able to mind their emotions.
You can feel things, You can think things, But not all of those things are things you should be sharing at work.
If things are funny, laugh. If someone isn’t doing their job, address it, calmly and respectfully, without dumping emotions on that person. Your feelings are not their problem, but your needing them to do something correctly probably is. So keep the topics to work related facts and not make it about feelings.
That is what being less emotional is.
I have a team lead who is driven primarily by insecurity and passive aggressive behavior because she is insecure in her own life. It isn’t anyone else’s problem. It’s hers.
So, when she dumps her PA behavior on me or my crew, it’s say out of line and I do not allow it.
I would love it if people could manage their emotions and not dump their baggage on me anymore.
Angie JeanSeptember 29,2021 at 12:31PM UTC
I think what he is telling you is bullshit, and using a fairly common wide tactic called reverse psychology, sometimes people in power get a warped sense of now to actually use it so they tend to think I know today I'll mess with someone's head just because I can. Learn the types of toxic people you deal with and never ever ever be afraid of being yourself, the main motto being be true to you because if you can't you'll end up just as toxic as the rest of the sad little flock that puts people like that on pedestals x
Stephanie YoungSeptember 29,2021 at 12:31PM UTC
You can express "emotion" through language choices - talking about how you feel about a thing for example, rather than just talking about a thing. Engaging on the emotional values of a thing instead of metrics and analysis. Things that are written and said from your personal POV (I think, I feel) rather than just stated as fact or hypothesis.
I would go back and look at my written communications as a start, looking for things that come from that kind of source. Look for language patterns, and start watching for them in writing. As you do , you'll start to hear them in your spoken interactions too. Rehearse. Practice. Pay attention. Talk about the thing, the problem, not how you feel about the problem. See if that helps.
Jennifer HoweSeptember 29,2021 at 12:32PM UTC
It sounds like the male colleagues providing you with this feedback need some training in emotional intelligence.
There is of course always room for improvement, but this has nothing to do with your performance and everything to do with their 1950's view of how women should be in the workplace and THEIR discomfort with feelings and emotions. I know women who are like this as well because apparently you are supposed to be a robot and not show excitement or anything that would make you seem remotely approachable by others, in the workplace. "We" have been conditioned to think that professionals are to act a certain way and put who they are as a human aside for business. It is old school corporate bs. Be yourself and do not let ANYONE (male nor female) dull your sparkle.
AnonymousSeptember 29,2021 at 12:32PM UTC
You are looking at one extreme or the other. Being too emotional doesn’t mean you are angry or yell at people all the time. Frankly, I cringe when someone does the “Woo Hoo” shouting because they are excited about something and want others to be excited as well. You don’t need the dead voice either. Maybe the best way to describe it is don’t talk in exclamation points.
Sounds like many people have made this comment to you and it is time to pay attention. Start observing those you look up to as mentors and imitate their way of speaking and sharing information. You can be happy and excited about something without making a lot of noise
Angie JeanSeptember 29,2021 at 1:16PM UTC
No way are they mentors they sound to me like psychological bullies, what do they want robots? Sorry but I personally can't stand these sorts of people
Rebecca MillikenOctober 1,2021 at 6:37PM UTC
I've worked with several "Woo Hoo" women and they don't make me cringe even though I'm not like that. I actually find their optimism refreshing.
Tabbi KinionSeptember 29,2021 at 12:32PM UTC
Humans are emotional. Men and women both. It’s what you do with those emotions that can affect working relationships. Clearly the feedback you are getting is sexist and isn’t really helping you. However misstated, they are letting you know that you need to be more aware of how you are affecting those around you.
Consider doing an emotional intelligence test (there are a whole bunch out there). It will show you your strong suits and give you feedback on where and how to grow. I’m a big fan of this one https://www.talentsmarteq.com/emotional-intelligence-2-0/
C AllenSeptember 29,2021 at 12:37PM UTC
Honestly, there's no way for any of the FGBers to tell whether you are too emotional based on a post. I recommend you either ask the person giving you this feedback for an example or align with a trusted colleague or mentor at work and get their honest opinion before deciding how to proceed in this matter.
barbgSeptember 29,2021 at 12:39PM UTC
I'm wondering if their criticism is even real. I've seen cases of bosses telling workers things just to make them feel bad and undermine their energy. This is especially true with an up-and-coming employee, especially one who has achieved and invested in him/herself above their current rank.
Nicole McKeonSeptember 29,2021 at 12:40PM UTC
There is nothing wrong having emotion or passion in your expressions. We must not sit back and accept this false narrative that expressing appropriate levels of excitement, frustration, joy, sadness etc is somehow unacceptable and wrong in the workplace. The workplace is where many of us invest a good deal of our lives. I believe that many managers use this as a way to gaslight employees- and in my experience it happens more often when the manager is male and the employee is female- but I’ve had female managers do this too. I refuse to work in a place that doesn’t honor normal human expressions- we all should
AnonymousSeptember 29,2021 at 12:45PM UTC
You didn’t say what field you are working in but please keep in mind that more traditional fields and more corporate companies have a subdued culture so swings in positive/negative feelings can come across as emotional because it is outside the norm for the office.
Pay more attention to how others around you are reacting to your enthusiasm. Pay attention to how others are reacting when you are expressing frustration, there is a fine line from frustrated to negative and can be crossed very easily.
I don’t believe the feedback is to make you more robotic but to help even out the highs/lows that others on your team are experiencing based on the emotions you are sharing.
It very well may be coming across as over emotional .
Also be aware of what your face is saying, a lot of emotion comes through how your face reacts and should match your reaction verbally. If you get feedback or news that you may not like, even if you don’t verbally voice your displeasure, it very well could be written all over your face and making those around you feel like they need to tip toe around your feelings.
These aren’t things that only women need to work on, I have worked with plenty of men whom need to work on everything listed here.
Paying attention to how others on your team/in your area are reacting to you will help you understand if it is a gender based feedback or if you are unintentionally showing/voicing more emotion then the situation warrants.
Rebecca MillikenOctober 1,2021 at 6:34PM UTC
The difference is that men rarely get told to "improve". I have been in the workplace 40 years and have worked with many more over emotional men than women. Yet I've rarely seen them told to tone it down unless it was an anger issue.
Rosaline GibbonsSeptember 29,2021 at 12:47PM UTC
That’s absurd! It must be time to figure out who gets a bonus and how much. I would ask them what do they mean by being too emotional and to give you examples of how you were too emotional. Be prepared to get no examples or something that happened years ago.
Susan Sims-PrittsSeptember 29,2021 at 12:48PM UTC
It would be interesting to record your male cohorts discussing 'The Game', ie Superbowl, etc, and observe the levels of excitement, vocalizations, exclamations, volume, etc...... I'll leave it right there.
BethBSeptember 29,2021 at 12:49PM UTC
Since the comment is kind of vague, is there anyone from a last job you can ask about this? At the very least, the next time you hear that, ask for clarification. If it has come up from than one manager, odds are there is something you don’t realize is causing them to perceive you this way.
Just because you don’t see an issue doesn’t mean there isn’t one. Better to acknowledge the possibility and learn from it then to keep doing the same thing that has earned you the same comments from different people just because you don’t see it.
Barbara WhiteSeptember 29,2021 at 12:51PM UTC
I would also ask "What do you mean by emotional, specifically?" I have three "case in point" scenarios, all of which could be seen as "emotional". But they are not at all related, and how one would proceed is very different in all cases. You can't evaluate whether there is or is not an actual issue, or simply someone being dismissive, without specifics.
I have worked with one person in the past who when she gave presentations, it felt like she was a cheerleader at a pep rally. Some who were listening (particularly the males) found it annoying, and maybe someone should have told her to tone it down a bit because people did sort of lose the important message she was trying to convey because the pep rally feel just wasn't feeling as professional as it could have been. It's good to be positive of course, and she did very much care about her subject matter, but I could see where some would not take her as a serious professional not because of the content but because of the presentation.
I knew another person who when given feedback about her performance would become very defensive, raise her voice, and argue about how the feedback was wrong or unfair. That is a very clear case of being emotional, and in a detrimental way. We all are going to hear feedback we may not like, but may be vitally important to growing us in our careers. This person really needed to learn to be calm, listen, and evaluate what was being said, as they were all valid issues that were being raised. In this case, the person really does need to learn to accept feedback in the spirit it is given, which is to improve performance.
Lastly, this is a personal story about me. There is one person (out of hundreds) in my department that has called me "emotional", and it was a backhanded way of criticizing me for standing firm over his very unprofessional behavior toward both me and one of my direct reports (both of whom are female and in junior positions to his). His behavior met the standard of "hostile work environment" and he was not in a supervisory role over me or in our supervisory chain in any way. He just wasn't getting what he wanted at the moment (which was against policy to give him), and he was throwing a temper tantrum. If that makes me emotional, then yes, I'm emotional (I didn't even raise my voice, even though in my head I did. haha) In this case, HE is the one who needs to learn to be less emotional.
I said all that to say that there's no way you can address an issue if the person telling you this has not defined what is considered emotional. It may not be valid at all, but if it is valid, then specific feedback is needed so you can properly address it. We don't always know how we appear to others and sometimes we need that "mirror" from a colleague or supervisor to help us. But if it's just someone's opinion about things that don't matter, or worse, someone being dismissive of you, then that's an entirely different matter.
I said a lot, but hopefully that makes sense.
Karen Annette DossSeptember 29,2021 at 1:00PM UTC
Your personal example above...maybe we work with the same person??? haha!
Barbara WhiteSeptember 29,2021 at 6:05PM UTC
Hahaha Maybe there are two of them?? haha
April Donnell-SurgantSeptember 29,2021 at 1:17PM UTC
Thank you for sharing that example. Way to stand your ground!
chelsie bencaSeptember 29,2021 at 12:52PM UTC
As other commenters have mentioned, there are often double standards at play here.
First - would the person give the criticism give the critique if you were male but showing the same behaviors?
Second - the supervisors might be reacting more to the negative emotions you show with your tone (e.g., frustration) rather than the positive ones. Perhaps being visibly frustrated with someone (particularly in groups settings) undermines their self-confidence and impacts team morale?
Definitely see if you can approach the supervisor you most recently got the feedback from and ask for specific examples. Obviously you want to be polite and non-confrontational when you ask. Maybe something like, "Hey So-and-so, I was thinking about your feedback the other day, and I was hoping you could provide some clarity. Do you have any specific examples of when I was being emotional and how it impacted the team? If you don't have examples on hand, next time it happens, would you point it out to me later in day one-on-one? I want to make sure I get this right."
Hopefully this will allow you to be at least more informed before you decide if you want to change your behavior.
It's a completely different discussion about what is deemed professional in the workplace, why we deem it professional, and whether or not there is bias built in to what we currently consider to be professional. Which then begs the next question, should we be changing our behaviors to fit what is considered professional (sometimes the answer is yes!) or should we be asking our work environments to reconsider some of their assumptions about what is "professional"?
Best of luck!
AnonymousSeptember 29,2021 at 12:54PM UTC
Let me ask you this, because this post could be from me, do you blush or turn red at anything/everything?
I do. I have really fair skin and it takes nothing for me to look "emotional". I've been told by a couple of managers (yes, they were men) that I needed to be 'less emotional' simply because when I'm in conversations my face flushes. The exact quote from one was "you need to be less emotional, I don't know how you should do that but you need to figure it out." (helpful hey?)
It took me a long time to accept that the problem is them, not me. I can't control the blush response and I simply refuse to become an automaton robot to please their sense of whatever screwed up view they have about perceived emotional responses.
You be you and let them be the emotionally stunted creatures that can't handle people being authentic.
AnonymousSeptember 30,2021 at 3:31PM UTC
I have this same problem.
Early in my career, when I was a young temp with a boss with a completely opposite personality from my own, to where it was just not a good fit, I did have a bit of trouble managing my emotions at work (getting frustrated with myself and thus distracted with the work at hand). I accepted that this was something I needed to work on.
However, one day I was dealing with something, I can't remember what, and my boss told me to "not get upset." I hadn't said a thing, and I wasn't crying. I responded that I "wasn't upset," (even though inside I was a bit), and her response was "yes you are; you are turning bright red".
Sorry, actually trying to police my physiological emotional responses goes too far.
FlossySeptember 29,2021 at 1:06PM UTC
Ask for examples. It is one thing say you are to emotional but ask him to provide concrete times where your emotion impacted work. You want to improve and his feedback is generic.
My recommendation is to tighten up your written communication. The post is loaded with emotion in terms of … !!! CAPS.
Think before you send. Try for a week to not use caps, exclamation points, and the dots.
These convey emotion.
Shorten your emails. Make them to the point. Use bullets. Use facts not emotion. Remove the social niceties. Send them to yourself to see if they can be seen entirely on your cell without scrolling for the most part.
Reply all: Are you guilty of misusing reply all? Too often, people reply all to every message sent by a superior. My email box is full of “Thanks!!!” . Don’t reply to informational emails unless there is a call to action. Don’t reply all unless the majority of the people on the list require the information to do their jobs. This includes congratulations. Send it only people that deserve recognition and tone down your reply.
It takes effort to adjust. However, I bet you will see positive feedback. Please see this as an opportunity to improve while not changing who you are.
AnonymousSeptember 29,2021 at 1:29PM UTC
Gross to all this if it is not what is in your nature. You have a right to be passionate about your work, but if that isn’t the vibe at your current place, maybe it’s just not the right fit for you.
I’ve been there, I was told I was too emotional, I was told that I had to change who I was regardless of where I go. I was crushed at the time, and eventually moved on. I was angry at those people for a while, how dare any person criticize your way of being because it isn’t their style… especially when the work is exemplary.
I am now at a place where a lot of people are passionate about what we do, a lot aren’t… and we all work well together respecting each others differences because in the end, we are all paddling in the same direction and glad for all the energy that gets us there.
If these people actually valued you, they’d have actionable feedback. You can either find the place that is right for you or make yourself right for the place your in. I personally choose not to allow others to dull my shine.
AnonymousSeptember 29,2021 at 1:47PM UTC
Completely agree with this. You're likely passionate & that's a positive thing, living life to the full, not dull and dispassionate, Its amazing how many people can't handle open expressions. A man who was involved in an argument with a female meat worker, complained she was "animated" & his female colleague was there ready with ideas about her having a messed up childhood that she hadn't recovered from & all sorts. I've worked with her for 3 years & she seems happy - just speaks her mind. No-one complained when she invited everyone to her 40th birthday party at a pub, but then maybe that's what they didn't like, her getting attention. There are firms out there that appreciate your passion & will find your energy positively infectious :)
AnonymousSeptember 29,2021 at 1:10PM UTC
Don’t let anyone make you doubt yourself and how you act. You’re an adult.
April Donnell-SurgantSeptember 29,2021 at 1:15PM UTC
I am a very direct, bordering on blunt, female. I can come across very assertively and have gotten similar feedback to being "passionate" about my team and my associates. The ways that I have taken this feedback historically is to make sure that I am being enthusiastic with the people that count...my team.
When I am speaking to other leaders or my boss, I pick my battles. "Do you mind if I vent for a moment" gives me liberty to passionately vocalize my frustrations, and then my boss is open to constructively help me approach with solutions.
Early on in my career, I received this feedback when I would speak to things without statistics. In almost any business, numbers can speak louder than a thousand voices at times. I can still go into meetings with passion and enthusiasm, but I need to have stats or examples to back up my concerns.
Don't dampen your enthusiasm. You have no idea who is in the corner, secretly thanking you for advocating for them.
AnonymousSeptember 29,2021 at 1:28PM UTC
I've been told in the past that I need to be nicer, a team player, etc. because I am to-the-point. If I need something, I'm not going to dance around it. I'm going to tell you what I need and when I need it. It's SO frustrating when women are made to feel like they have to wear a pearl necklace and smile all the time. I have a job to do, and I do it was pleasantly as possible. In retrospect, it was the place and not me, asi haven't received any geed back like that since. Truly annoying though.
AnonymousSeptember 29,2021 at 1:29PM UTC
"who has diagnosed my problem as that I am too emotional"
Well, what's the problem they are diagnosing? Have coworkers complained you're too intense? Have you been missing deadlines because you are caught up in your head and emotions? Are you reacting too quickly and jumping to conclusions? By the tone of your question, maybe you are the type of person who takes things ultra-personally and let's it be a distraction from problem solving.
If you are "constantly" getting this feedback it might be time to look inward.
MPSeptember 29,2021 at 1:43PM UTC
This dude sounds completely sexist to me.
Valerie BurnsSeptember 29,2021 at 1:48PM UTC
I also am too emotional at work (self-diagnosed, never received this feedback from another coworker or supervisor). Being too emotional doesn't mean I am not self-aware or emotionally immature.
Sometimes I react too quickly and send that email when I should have let it settled for an hour. Sometimes I jump to conclusions without asking any more questions. Sometimes I'm stubborn and stick to a plan because I said so and I'm personally invested in it. I also, sometimes, take things personally. If my team misses a deadline or made an error I feel that deeply. It's not always the most productive personality trait.
I think knowing and accepting all this and giving it a name had made it easier to manage and work through. When a situation arrives in which I want to have an emotional reaction, I know exactly what is happening. I can smile and say to myself "that's so valerie" and choose another path.
I think putting a name on things can be helpful.
Anna CarterSeptember 29,2021 at 2:24PM UTC
Well said, “Valerie”!
MichaelaSeptember 29,2021 at 1:49PM UTC
To echo what a few others have said: ask for examples. Whenever you receive negative feedback or criticism that uses generalities or refers to your character, always ask for specific behavioural examples that include 1) the context in which they thought you behaved too emotionally, and 2) what you did specifically did or said that was considered inappropriately emotional.
I don't know if this might be contributing to the optics here, but as someone else noted: your post is full of expressive punctuation and language. I completely relate to this, it's how I write to friends and family in my personal life. I actively refrain from doing it in work situations, because I've been told that it can seem immature in a professional environment. Clearly there is a gendered idea of professionalism implied, but it's not the hill I'll choose to die on in the battle for gender equality in the workplace!
Ultimately, you asked why it's a good thing to be less emotional in the work place. One thing to consider is that many people (women included, I am one of them) feel uncomfortable when people are emotional in situations that it isn't expected. When a colleague who I am not already friendly with is overly warm, excitable, or intense in a work conversation with me - I find that difficult to manage. Try to match the energy that other people are bringing to a conversation or room, and see if you notice a difference.
Leader135412September 29,2021 at 1:55PM UTC
I am a INTJ-A personality. Even we need a cheerleader every now and then.
AnonymousSeptember 29,2021 at 2:01PM UTC
What is "too emotional"? If you do an inventory and can't come up with anything, "too" is an objective experience. You may have a boss who can't take any emotion, is fearful that you will become emotional or, maybe, want's you to be "more like a man". Don't assume anything is wrong with you. That is a trap no woman can afford. " Too emotional" for the environment is different than having a personal flaw. If you want to stay there, be observant of how others behave and then "act as if" you were that way also. Good luck!
AnonymousSeptember 29,2021 at 2:02PM UTC
Yep. Men have often projected their own behaviour onto me - saying I am too emotional. The hilarity is just that -that men constantly yell, scream, shout, damage property from punching a wall out of frustration and the like. I like to look at recent and ancient history for all of those times when women have been 'too emotional' and it has caused wars. Oh, wait...when in history has that happened? So, WW1 - overly emotional women? No. WW2 - overly emotional women? No. Korean War - overly emotion...and I'll leave it there. My ex boss (he left) said to my husband (we work at the same place) that I was 'too up and down. Too emotional.' This from a man who would go into fits of rage, throw things, turn around and walk away from 'tricky' parents (we are teachers) and the like. HE was the overly emotional one, not me.
Continue to be passionate about what you do. Your boss is clearly too emotional to see clearly.
LoriSeptember 29,2021 at 2:48PM UTC
Your post is spot on! I have been told that I ask too many questions and that I should lay low while our male admin display fits of anger; but, those actions are justified as being leadership qualities.
Tamara MillsSeptember 29,2021 at 2:16PM UTC
I was about to post that you are female and acting like someone with normal social skills, and then I got to the second to last paragraph.
You need to start keeping a diary for work, what you did, how you did it, and you need to give serious thought to if you're being treated differently on the basis of your sex.
Donna Stacy BurkeSeptember 29,2021 at 2:23PM UTC
What is wrong with emotions. We are allowed to be happy, sad, confused, frustrated, angry, disappointed, thankful etc in all aspects of our lives. It is normal behavior as humans. As long as we are not yelling, screaming, bragging or belittling etc anyone.
AnonymousSeptember 29,2021 at 2:35PM UTC
It sounds like your boss is either sexist, intimidated by you, or both. Being “emotional” is a part of being a person…but I can see where that interferes in the workplace. If he’s going to make a comment like that, he needs to bring specific examples otherwise we end up in this situation where you have no clear direction on how to improve.
In your case, it doesn’t seem like you’re listing any overtly inappropriate emotions or anything that could hurt morale. However, when you think of expressing your frustrations or anything in between, it’s important to realize that your mood/emotions/whatever people call it has an affect on the larger team. He could be specifically referencing your negative emotions, not you emotions in general.
We had a team member who would constantly express how frustrated they were (keep in mind: rarely expressing excitement or gratitude) and it had a negative impact on the team. Their negative energy was toxic for the team as a whole.
Positivity is contagious, so keep that up!!! But negatively is just as contagious. In your case, I would just be mindful of any potential negative comments you’re making and who you’re making them to.
NikkiSeptember 29,2021 at 2:38PM UTC
My daughter is dealing with a similar situation. She feels that she is dealing with gaslighting; her male bosses aren't comfortable with a smart and strong woman. She's gotten positive feedback from them for sitting in a meeting and saying little. They don't give her credit, even though the customers usually request her because her work is excellent. What to do? My daughter is sick of being treated this way and is seeking work elsewhere; in the meantime she is keeping a low profile. Could you turn it back on the boss, asking for examples? Good luck!
AnonymousSeptember 29,2021 at 3:13PM UTC
I agree with much of what has been stated, especially about asking for specific examples of behavior that is perceived as too emotional. Another way that a person may be perceived as too emotional is when there is a lack of emotional evenness or consistency. In other words, people don’t know what to expect when you come to work ... happy mood, sad mood, angry mood, etc.
You mentioned that you are constantly receiving feedback, including from male bosses about this. That statement would lead me to believe that this assessment about emotionality has been identified by both males and females with whom you work. Are other people with whom you work saying the same thing? Keep in mind that not everyone is comfortable with emotionality especially in the work place.
Good luck.
Karen GongawareSeptember 29,2021 at 3:37PM UTC
Yes to asking for concrete examples that are detailed and not vague. And listen to how your supervisors/bosses/etc speak when they are interacting. Too emotional is usually a tactic males employ when they do not want to acknowledge that you (a woman, gasp!) are doing a fabulous job. Male or female, what the hell does it matter? Too emotional does not fly as a flaw if you are excited and sharing this feeling of accomplishment with the team. Just tone the woo hoos down a little, lol!
TerrySeptember 29,2021 at 3:49PM UTC
In the office when a man says a women is too emotional, it's almost like another way of being shut down or discriminated against. Maybe you react to things that make you happy, sad, humiliated or ecstatic and there is nothing wrong with your reactions to situations however some offices feel that those types of reactions need to be controlled (for whatever reason). Your reactions/emotions are valuable but this person in your office is shaming you for them. You can either have a talk with them in more detail about how your reactions/emotions are affecting the office culture. Or go to an office where you are appreciated for who you are--I'm sure you will find a place to shine. Hope this helps!!
Joanne RosenSeptember 29,2021 at 3:57PM UTC
I've had the same issue. I'm passionate about what I do. I get frustrated when I bring up an idea and hear, "Oh, we've never done it that way before."
Yes, ask for specifics where your emotions are too big for them.
Cheers
Joanne
AnonymousSeptember 29,2021 at 3:59PM UTC
When someone passes judgement, force them to explain themselves. Your gut is probably right. Do you want confirmation?
Also: that first paragraph is unnecessary as it sounds like judgement of those who do collapse in despair, etc. If anyone who reads this identifies with those behaviors, I am sure they'd be less likely to give you any advice. I almost didn't.
Jackie RukaSeptember 29,2021 at 4:04PM UTC
I feel it’s total BS and gaslighting.
Clearly you have hit a glass ceiling or concrete one.
If you work in a predominantly good ole boys club this is typical.unfortunately.
When you are good at what you do and expect the best from your colleagues, you may receive pushback or resistance in this type of environment.
Been there done that.
My suggestion is at your reviews that this be an open discussion and shared not as a complaint but as a point of inclusion. And perhaps your enthusiasm can be viewed as a channel for uplifting morale and productivity?
Companies need more enthusiasm!
Also, consider if the company culture is a right fit at this point?
AnonymousSeptember 29,2021 at 4:25PM UTC
I'm disappointed by the amount of rabble-rousing going on in the comments.
AnonymousSeptember 29,2021 at 6:28PM UTC
If you mean what I think you do, then tend to I agree. It's all well and good to tell someone that she should just ignore professional feedback and continue as normal, but given that she has had this criticism from multiple sources (who weren't exclusively men), the simplest explanation is probably the correct one. Something is happening that is impacting the OP's career and relationships with her superiors, and getting fired up in a comments section isn't helping her solve this issue.
AnonymousSeptember 29,2021 at 4:31PM UTC
Honestly I would ask them for examples. If they can’t provide concrete actual examples, then I would simply ignore them. How can you take emotional manipulation seriously? If you know you are doing a good job, that’s all that matters!
AnonymousSeptember 29,2021 at 4:40PM UTC
To be a woman is to be emotional. When they are telling you that you are too emotional, that equates too feminine. They want you to be a man. It's sexist bullshit. Don't deny who you are at your core being. This is why woman have a hard time in management, myself included.
AnonymousSeptember 29,2021 at 4:57PM UTC
Been there. Done that. Yes, some men noticed my "bossy, authoritarian" tone ... my reply was " sorry, thought I worked with adults who can take direction" and the boys were shocked while the men took it in stride. yes tone matters. Speak in a flat tone, DO NOT raise your voice at the of sentences. Act like an adult, save the jokes for break time
Jolien SchwanSeptember 29,2021 at 5:12PM UTC
I would ask for examples. How are you supposed to know what "they" are referring to without specific examples? Is it the way you talk? Is it the way you responded to an email? In my opinion, enthusiasm is not being "emotional". Best of luck! ❤️
Kari ParkerSeptember 29,2021 at 5:23PM UTC
I had a coworker scream me down and when I demanded an apology, I was called to sensitive. The next day I came in and someone had put a sticker on my monitor that said "caution - fragile". I'm irritated about it still!
Managers don't like dealing with conflict. Male manager especially when dealing with us "over-emotional" women. Its infuriating.
Belen PerezSeptember 29,2021 at 5:24PM UTC
I'm so sorry your innate enthusiasm and passion for your work is being discouraged. I'm very much like you - I'm a straight shooter, I love and believe in what I do, I'm proud of my team and their accomplishments and am not shy about letting them know how awesome I think they are.
In my career, my male managers have almost unanimously asked me to minimize my "passion". Meanwhile, male colleagues would exhibit openly aggressive behaviors without earning a reputation for being overly emotional. I empathize with you SO much.
About two years ago, I joined a team where I report to a woman who reports to a woman who reports to a woman, and on this team, my passion is encouraged, my enthusiasm is appreciated, and my authenticity is valued. It is truly a safe space. I don't know if it's because I am incredibly fortunate to work almost entirely with women who genuinely care about supporting other women, or some other reason, but... yeah there is no other reason.
TLDR It's most likely not you, it's your environment.
Cassandra SousaSeptember 29,2021 at 5:27PM UTC
Examples help but I have a feeling this is more of your superiors instilling and requiring “patriarchy” within the work place. Be yourself and be emotional. Because with emotion also comes passion, intuition, and understanding.
Dawn M Rollins-MurrellSeptember 29,2021 at 5:29PM UTC
Yes, I have been told the exact same thing. I was also told that I am "too nice" and " too happy," to which I had the same immediate thought as the OP did, "Huh?"
In hindsight I realized that my personality was different than other people in my office and this annoyed and intimidated my coworkers. They were a mix of men and women in a social work office, and I could hear the groans and moans when I would speak up in a staff meeting or respond too excitedly to questions or laugh too loudly at a joke. At first this really hurt my feelings as I am sure it did you. Later I just developed the "F it and F them" mentality and I decided to just be who I was whether they liked me or not. I would write emails just like you described, with excited " Woo Hoo's" and 4 exclamation points after a sentence because that was how I felt. (!!!!) I assume your feedback was not about your work because I know I worked hard, but I didn't and still don't feel the need to apologize or change my emotional responses to things that happened because someone else was annoyed by them. I can see and feel the judgements and eye rolls from people who are different than me, but I stand strong in the belief that different personalities, albeit annoying to some people or "too emotional" to others, are needed in today's work place and even corporate entities. From what I can tell, your tone of voice, your emotional or excited responses and passion, do not hinder or affect your performance. If your manager or supervisor believes your personality or your passionate way of expressing yourself is negative, then I am here to tell you that they, and your company, are wrong. If they don't understand that diversity of personalities is just as important as the diversity of cultures, genders and backgrounds, then I respectfully suggest you search for a place that will treasure you and the way you are. You could find a place full of people just the way you are, or better yet, appreciate you and cheer when you walk into a room. It is a gift to be loud and perky in a room full of people who are talking in the same tone of voice just like it is a gift to wear a hot pink blazer in a room of people wearing the same black suit. It is not inappropriate or wrong for you to be excited about productivity, nor express your feelings the way you want to. And you should never feel like you have to change who you are because someone else is different. Do not let ANYONE, not even your professional office colleagues, steal your shine. Ever.
Terre BrizzolaraSeptember 29,2021 at 5:38PM UTC
I just read something on a Facebook post that applies. Cant copy/paste but it was as to the effect of:
The best marketing scheme in the world is men branding women as "emotional" becausevthey have successfully rebranded anger as "not an emotion".
We need to reverse this.
AnonymousSeptember 29,2021 at 5:43PM UTC
More BS and nonsense, and "controlling" behavior from the TOXIC workplaces we have to endure or deal with - why? Because of someone else's insecurities. Just Pathetic. But reality.
AnonymousSeptember 29,2021 at 5:51PM UTC
I have had similar experiences and remembering 2 things has helped me a lot.
1 - Its not about you. Others' words and behaviors are coming from their own perspectives, and they are waaayyy too busy with their own thoughts, anxieties, and insecurities to think about how it affects you. Try to depersonalize as much as you can.
2- It sounds harsh, but in the workplace nobody cares about your feelings. Again, they are too busy managing and hiding their own cr** to care about yours.
In some corporate environments, when people are more demonstrative of their emotions than others, it can come across as attention-seeking.
Agree with others who say that you may be more comfortable in a different environment - one that shares your enthusiasm.
Shelby CSeptember 29,2021 at 6:17PM UTC
I heard this a LOT when I was in HR. I have heard it so many times that I could've written your post for you. Here is what you need to know:
1) It has nothing to do with you
2) They are acting like misogynistic pigs
3) "Emotional" is code for female
4) They are attempting to control you and possibly your narrative
They are threatened and don't know how to react. It is sad really. You need to look at them - not yourself.
Melanie HesslerSeptember 29,2021 at 6:32PM UTC
Sounds like some good ol' fashioned patriarchal gaslighting. It's not you, it's them! I hope you can find an environment that values your authentic you.
And if you can't or don't want to change jobs, maybe work with a coach to develop skills that will help you navigate those conversations when you get feedback like that. (Aka help you realize it's not you and help you stand up for yourself.)
AnonymousSeptember 29,2021 at 6:33PM UTC
A few things could be going on at the same time:
1. The boss/organization is sexist as “emotional” at work is typically code for female. I would find that offensive - but little you can do about it (other than quit) because any HR or leadership team that sanctions this type of manager is not going to find in your favor. Been there. Lost that battle.
2. You’re in a toxic work environment that isn’t a fit for you. They may be trying to manage you out. (Possible blessing in disguise). If toxic, make a plan to get out. Who wants to talk in a flat tone all the time? We’re humans not robots.
3. Your likely sexist boss could also be interpreting your non-verbal body language to be “too emotional” which is still BS but it happens. Maybe it’s valid, maybe it’s not. Either way, is this how you want to work?
It sounds like a poor fit. Life is short. There are a million other jobs out there.l! (!!!!!) The world needs more honest, feeling and, yes, emotional, people in companies. Find one that is more aligned with your core values.
AnonymousSeptember 29,2021 at 6:35PM UTC
A lot of people here seem to be missing the point - the writer says she is constantly receiving this feedback from more than one source, and it doesn't sound like it's only men giving it. So while it's nice to think that this feedback could only come from a man who is insecure and sexist, it's also possible that isn't what is happening in this specific scenario. Yes, it's human to feel emotions and be expressive. Yes, women are generally more emotionally expressive than men. But to be constantly receiving this feedback does suggest that it goes a bit beyond old fashioned professional patriarchy.
LoriSeptember 29,2021 at 7:37PM UTC
She states in her post, "But I am constantly receiving feedback, including from more than one (male) boss who has diagnosed my problem as that I am too emotional." I thought we got the point, but maybe we are still missing it?
AnonymousSeptember 30,2021 at 7:28AM UTC
Yes she does, and a lot of people are focusing on things like gaslighting or insecure men or calling the feedback BS, telling the OP to ignore it because (without knowing any context other than what she has written) she is in the right and has done nothing wrong. Given that she's had the feedback constantly, it seems like there might actually be something worth addressing here and helping this person to succeed, rather than just getting up in arms on her behalf.
AnonymousSeptember 29,2021 at 6:36PM UTC
I am emotional at work and in general. I am also passionate and artistic and empathetic. I have cried at work and tend to cry way to easy. I take things more personally then I should. I also find coworker dynamics make a HUGE difference. The right place will like you. As for me. I’m trying a new workplace. Also less exclamations or emoticons in emails. Being more factual and less emotional…and using my emotion for my art instead. Also I find exercise daily helps me get rid of a lot of emotional energy. I hope you find a good middle ground. I hope I find one as well.
Tracey Nilson HenkelSeptember 29,2021 at 6:43PM UTC
Maybe it is cultivating a sense of detachment? I would ask for specific examples...approach the response with a curiosity mindset rather than feeling judged.
Megan HamiltonSeptember 29,2021 at 6:48PM UTC
Oh this really lights a fire in my belly. There is nothing wrong with you. Not one thing. Telling somebody that they are "too emotional" is not professional. Nor is telling somebody that their personality is "wrong". You're not too anything. You might make your boss uncomfortable, but that is not your problem.
This is one of the ways that people try to control women in the workplace, and it's a subtle form of oppression. It's also incredibly unclear. Like what does it even mean? Ridiculous.
Those are my 2 cents.
AnonymousSeptember 29,2021 at 6:57PM UTC
Wow, your post really hit a nerve with us! And yes, "emotional" is clearly something else here--enthusiastic? energetic?
Others have brought up metrics--but your own example has metrics in it! Twice as many results is a great metric.
I agree with others; ask for specific examples and whether "too emotional" has been brought up as an issue for any of the male employees.
The only advice I'd give is that when you give enthusiastic reports like the above, watch the faces and note if anyone seems a bit uncomfortable with the level of enthusiasm, and adjust accordingly.
Or don't! How is enthusiasm bad? Sounds like you are not being valued enough. You deserve to be!
AnonymousSeptember 29,2021 at 7:03PM UTC
I worked in a funeral home and when I answered the phone I was "too happy". It's like I had to be morose all of the time.... I totally get where you are coming from. I guess I said that to say, you are not alone and it's not just in your industry, whatever that may be.
DanielleSeptember 29,2021 at 7:39PM UTC
Sounds like another mansplaining moment here. Next time he says something along these lines ask him to go into detail how you are too emotional. Make sure to take notes. After he’s done, thank him for the information and you’ll discuss this with HR. Explain how this talk is inappropriate as your “emotions” do not affect your productivity. Document everything. I think you’ll find his tune change quickly.
Focused721350September 29,2021 at 8:38PM UTC
Good Afternoon,
WHY??? Your putting way to much into this! They're men! They always say stupid garbage like that. Because! they have nothing else to say to women. They got what they wanted! NOW! Your acting emotional....
Emmy BemmySeptember 29,2021 at 10:00PM UTC
I would ask for more direct examples. He might want you to reign in some of the behaviors you describe, but I wouldn't describe them as being "too emotional".
Kimberly MoonSeptember 29,2021 at 10:13PM UTC
I am not sure how helpful this is, but it sounds like your "emotions" are imposing on this man's (or men's) egos in some way. The nonspecific "too emotional" feedback is often given as a way of taking a woman down a notch so she shines less, or so he can look better in some way. I find that men who do this are often insecure and bad managers and don't pull their weight. I don't mean to generalize, so I want to make sure everyone knows I'm talking from my own personal experience. This is incredibly frustrating. If you are doing a good job at work, you aren't crying all the time, complaining all the time, gossiping, raging and throwing things, etc., it is safe to say that this is bogus feedback with some hidden intentions.
I would ask for specifics. 1)define emotional. 2) ask for examples. 3)ask for their expectations (assuming these are managers or senior team members above you. Don't get "emotional" or react to anything they say, just go in with an open mind and listen (you don't want to prove their point). Plan for whatever they may say and be ready to ask more questions, offer counterpoints kindly, and stand your ground to continue being your authentic self. These questions may derail all of it. If they don't, it sounds like this could be a toxic environment.
Tami L CannizzaroSeptember 29,2021 at 10:38PM UTC
Hi, Late to the discussion. I agree with others: the next time someone says you are acting "emotional", first ask for specific examples and, second, think about what just happened that may have caused them to make that statement. Between the 2, you may find a clue.
I picked up on one of your statements, "...the tone of my voice does reflect the way I feel..". Instead of "emotional" could these people really mean to say "I don't like your tone" or "you are too honest with your feelings"? It sounds like people know exactly where you stand by the tone of your voice, and possibly the look on your face. That could be what they don't like.
Or could it be you share too much/say too much? As I think someone else suggested, it's important to learn to read the audience. If short, succinct answers are what sells, stick to that and save the details for later. Some people want only the executive summary, not the 22 page Powerpoint.
Joanna PoeSeptember 30,2021 at 12:09AM UTC
When they give you feedback like this, you absolutely must ask for specific examples. This is usually someone's way of saying you're not doing something like they would do it.
AnonymousSeptember 30,2021 at 2:32AM UTC
that's an unconfident person trying to control you. I would ignore it! Unless you are an actress, and you requested & value the critique.
Madam anon663September 30,2021 at 8:51AM UTC
I imagine no man has ever been told he is too emotional. Get an explicit example, and don't let this person wimp out. If someone is going to make this kind of sexist statement, then make them give you an explicit example.
AnonymousSeptember 30,2021 at 1:06PM UTC
I think there is some great advice here. In a non defensive way I would ask some of the people for more detailed feedback.
Over emotional is really about a person that is unable to control their emotions. It is not a good thing and is uncomfortable for others because an over emotional person typically has screaming fits, inappropriate outbursts, lots of crying and difficult to reason with. Are you possibly emotionally sensitive (aka over sensitive), are you a blunt person, Are you a person that is sure to let others know when you are happy, mad, have a bad attitude, My point is you may be getting wrongly labeled but you need to find out and correct what ever it is people are seeing. If it’s more than one person then they see something and it’s probably being discussed behind your back.
Rebecca MillikenSeptember 30,2021 at 2:46PM UTC
I was once told I am "not enthusiastic enough". I don't even know what that means. But in retrospect, I do realize the boss that told me that was a gaslighting, passive aggressive, insecure person.
I did ask her, "have you had customer complaints?" because my job was/is selling and dealing with customers. She said no, it was just her observation, and it was just "constructive criticism".
But a vague, subjective comment like that is not constructive. It's meant to knock you down a few notches. If that's your personality, that's what it is.
I agree ask for specific examples and also ask feedback of others--ask them to the HONEST and don't take what anyone says in a bad way. Just find out whether there is something you are doing the rankles everyone or if one person is just bein a jerk.
AnonymousOctober 1,2021 at 3:18PM UTC
been there! I had more than 1 boss ask me: do you even like your job? b/c you don't seem 'happy' here. It took me a long time to realize that they wanted me to come up with ideas more, throw things out as directions the dept could go, etc. HOWevER what they also didn't ever do was take anyone up on their ideas; it was a very top down org. So talking out of both sides of their mouths and the only way not to get ire was to be more quiet. If you threw things out, you were see as a complainer (I know b/c as I aged at the job I did more of that and was never rewarded for it). Sometimes the set up is just not created for a employee to 'win.' ONe always has to read the room. It's very frustrating to have to do your boss' job for him//her but it's usually what happens.
Rebecca MillikenOctober 1,2021 at 6:21PM UTC
Haha, my boss at my last job said, "You don't seem happy here." I said, "That's because I'm NOT!" He wanted me to do that "oh no, I'm fine blah blah blah" thing and I wasn't going to. Shortly after that I happily gave me notice. And I told HIS boss what a horrible supervisor he was when I left (I was specifically asked by this big boss or I wouldn't have bothered.)
Rebecca MillikenSeptember 30,2021 at 2:53PM UTC
The other thing that struck me reading this is that I am more of a deadpan person myself, but I don't mind people who are enthusiastic. I've worked with a few of them (all the ones I can think of are women) and even if I thought they were over the top, they always made me laugh and some of them were my good friends.
There should be room for all personalities in the workplace, especially when your supposed "faults" are positive. What's wrong with someone being happy about stuff? I don't see the issue.
AnonymousSeptember 30,2021 at 4:15PM UTC
If you like your current place of employment, I recommend that you ask specific examples should you receive feedback like that again. Categorizing someone as being 'emotional' feels really subjective to me, especially seeing that you referenced you're not crying or yelling at someone in the office.
But more importantly it might be worth evaluating whether or not your place of employment is one where you can be successful. I say this because no one should be forced to be anything other than their authentic self -- even at work.
AnonymousSeptember 30,2021 at 6:52PM UTC
If they didn’t give specific examples of being too emotional and why it impacts the work, then I would guess it’s code for something else.
Kim PuhalaSeptember 30,2021 at 7:31PM UTC
Tell your boss to stop being so sexist or you will file a Title IX complaint against him. Has he ever once in his life told a male supervise that he is ‘too emotional’? No, because saying a woman is too emotional is the equivalent of saying she doesn’t act ‘MALE’ enough. Find a new job with a non-sexist boss. You are too good for that sexist nonsense.
AnonymousOctober 1,2021 at 3:14PM UTC
I would caution against this. There ARE things that are illegal to do in a job, but most thimgs as awful as they are, are not illegal. We were done a disservice when the phrase hostile work environment came into the lexicon. There are truly very few thigns you can fight using the law. It's important to know what they are. Can you get feedback, OP, on what 'too emotional' is? And you have some ideas for how to be less emotional (they may not be what the boss is looking for, but you've thought them up and shared them here) so I'd try those. See if they work. Maye that's exactly what mgmt is looking for.
AnonymousOctober 1,2021 at 2:14AM UTC
It means something is not connecting. You're off and people around you are not on your page.
AnonymousOctober 1,2021 at 2:03PM UTC
I was in a similar situation, and I finally left. Unfortunately, I don't see this type of stuff going away.
AnonymousOctober 1,2021 at 6:04PM UTC
OP here. I want to thank every single person who responded. You have given me a LOT to think about, from many different perspectives. In all honesty I am still reading them all for the first time, and some I will definitely go back and re-read. Thank you so much for your honest and forthcoming answers. I am sure this all will be helpful to me!
AnonymousOctober 1,2021 at 6:09PM UTC
I have worked for my company for almost 14 years. Reorg, and now I have a new boss. He has asked that I try and talk to him, "as an accountant". "you are too passionate", or your email has tone. I realize working in customer service, we have very frustrating days, but I am not a yeller, or a cusser ( at work), but someone just expressing my thoughts upsets the men. So weird!
SweetpollypurebreedOctober 6,2021 at 5:54AM UTC
He's posing the ultimate Professor Higgins question: Why can't a lady be more like a man? It's a form of sexism where women are automatically seen as strident and hystrionic as compared to men. Parenthetically, I have experienced more gentlemen in distress than damsels. This may have been mentioned previously but ask the requester to be more (logical) and specific:What does he expect to see? A frown instead of a smile? Lower voice tone? And ask them for the specific measurements he would like to see. It may be hard for him to articulate this as he may be asking for a she to mimic a he.
Liz MilneOctober 7,2021 at 6:20PM UTC
man shouting and swearing - masterful and authoritative!
woman getting slightly louder under extreme duress that is actually unacceptable - 'calm down, dear, you're being hysterical!'
*eyeroll...
Liz MilneOctober 7,2021 at 12:54AM UTC
'Emotional' is like 'hysterical', I think. Basically, means 'too female' :( And, yeah, maybe they do want dull, flat monotones - but then they'll say you've lost all your enthusiasm for the work!
Katie LawsonOctober 19,2021 at 6:00PM UTC
A boss once told me, “Don’t be mean.” I’m not a mean person, nor do I have a track record of being mean. However, I was frustrated with barriers, as you said, to doing great work. After thinking about it a lot, I’ve come up with my response if/when this ever happens again: “What do you mean by that?” Then I can calmly listen and get more information about what is REALLY going on.