I'm here to be vulnerable because I'm desperate for advice

5 Comments

1. AnonymousAugust 10,2024 at 11:32PM UTC

   I feel the exasperation coming through. Here’s what I see also: I see an idealist who cares a whole lot about their work product and holds themself to a high standard. This likely means that you expect the same of others and are frequently frustrated when their work, conduct and/or method of operating is sub-standard. Maybe you even take on others work?

   Have you considered that this is not only visible to your management but is a character trait that they specifically recruit for? They are exploiting it via the billable hour.

   My suggestion is: You don’t have any work life balance because you’ve given too much of your mind, body, spirit.

   Perhaps you enjoy the validation that you receive from your job. But—Your 50% effort on a Tuesday at midnight is plenty. I suggest exploring these themes with a therapist. I don’t think change in environment is the answer. And what a relief! It means it’s something that you can control.

2. AnonymousAugust 11,2024 at 2:18PM UTC

   It sounds like you need a pivot. I've made a starter list here and feel free to add to it. But I recommend you take each idea seriously enough to make a pro/con list and at least two hours of basic research to see if it's feasible before rejecting it out of hand.

   1) Teaching/specialty. Do you want to teach programming at the college level? (I don't know anything about this so I don't know if your background matches their hiring criteria)

   2) Teaching/general. Do you want to take a hiatus from your programming career and teach for a year in a private high school? (No licensure/accreditation needed in private schools - you could teach computer science or maybe general classes)

   3) Nonprofits. Do you want to work for an advocacy organization supporting the initiatives you care about?

   4) Government. Do you want to run for office?

   5) Business. have you considered starting your own company? I know that VC's are terrible about giving money to anyone who isn't your standard melanin-challenged tech bro. Consider the SBIR program (Small business innovative research) - I know people who have used SBIR grants to fund their fledgling companies.

   6) revisit a previous career stop. I know you've tried it all, but you've tried an example of each type at specific moments in time and you've come away with important lessons. You could go back to a small company or a large company and face completely different challenges than the last time. A bit of bouncing may help you find a place that makes you happy. It will at least get you out of the place that it presently making you unhappy.

   I know it's hard to imagine another life, but you've got this!!

3. AnonymousAugust 12,2024 at 2:28AM UTC

   I totally understand. I’ve been in IT for most of my 38 year career. Been consulting the last 3. You are right. It’s a white man’s game. I don’t see that changing. IT is tough. It spits people out. I’ve had to shrug off being ignored in meetings a lot because I’m the only female in the room. Then to have a man take my idea. Six more years until retirement, so I’m counting down. I changed my philosophy this year, as I too am a Team Lead. I’ve paid my dues. I’ve worked lots of overtime, attended conventions, traveled to client sites, dinners, missed kids’ activities, etc. Now is the time for work/life balance. I give all I have when I am working. I usually put in 45-50 hours now. But no more than that. Laptop gets closed at 4:45pm on Friday. I mentor my team to do the same. We have one life to live and work should not be #1. Start prioritizing yourself and stop focusing so much on work. You don’t need to drink the Kool Aid, you need to control how you work within the system. If you don’t want to be a lead, then don’t. This is your life. Do what makes you happy. If you don’t want to be a developer anymore, take online or night classes for whatever your passion is. Take it from a person who kind of came to this conclusion pretty late in life and is still figuring it out. My best to you.

4. AnonymousAugust 14,2024 at 2:29PM UTC

   While difficult, it sounds like you know some things (what you want, what you don't). It's just about finding it/attracting it, getting it, realizing it.

   And yeah, just because you "know" something, doesn't mean it's actualized just yet. I've been where you're at (or something to that effect) and can say that burnout is coming if you don't act. If you "hate" a place, it's time to go.

   That doesn't mean jump ship (unless you have a life raft/ or are okay with big risk). It does mean quiet quit, take time to schedule out all of your PTO now (take a mental health day / or week) or take some time off each week to build in reminders to you to focus on you.

   Focus on what you want and keep talking to folks (I'd suggest people in your community- but maybe a layer or two out- like a friend's friend, or the owner of a flower shop, check out Alumni resources- reach out, etc.). For me, I've found more help through stranger/acquaintances than friends and family. Maybe that's true for you. You mentioned noticing your work network (workaholics). Time to reach out to others who have navigated away from that lifestyle. Maybe you'll find such a group of folks. Maybe you'll find 1 person who is just a lifeline as you traverse to a new way. Being an "Independent Contributor" is possible. It's just figuring out if you can do the work and get paid what you need. Consider consulting too. Consider finding a less stressful job- but maybe other initiatives bring fulfillment (hobbies/associations/ etc.).

   FWIW, check out the book series "DesigningYour Life" or "Designing Your Work Life" by Burnett and Evans. (Or books like it). There are really great chapters and case studies. Read the whole book or certain chapters. Really helps put a plan in place.

   Online searching, even A.I./ ChatGPT prompts can give you some really good planning.

   Shore up your supports to help you pivot. It'll happen. And, you may just get a buffer job- that's good enough and better than where you're at. You can choose to stay there or move on.

   Good luck.

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