Hello, my partner and I are considering starting a family, but we live in a state that isn't safe for women's health and fertility care.

55 Comments

1. AnonymousDecember 29,2024 at 3:08PM UTC

   I’d give yourself a year before you ask for a relo. You are still in the new phase so prove yourself first before asking to relo. Without knowing the circumstances it sounds like you agreed to this job in the location you’re in now. Honor that commitment first before asking to relo. But do ask after your year review.

2. AnonymousDecember 29,2024 at 5:21PM UTC

   When is your next performance evaluation? That is usually the best time to bring up longer term goals like relocation. If you are going no matter what, then that's one thing, but if you are somewhat flexible, especially given that you are just considering things, wait. In terms of being completely honest, I would not. State laws reflect majority values and to risk poking that bear when you've only been there 4 months seems unwise.

3. AnonymousDecember 30,2024 at 3:24PM UTC

   State laws actually do not reflect majority values - many people in these states don’t agree with the issues that the poster is trying to navigate, and were put in place without a vote

4. AnonymousDecember 29,2024 at 6:34PM UTC

   That’s interesting. Not sure what state you live in, but it’s safe to say that you would put your manager in an awkward position by stating the reason you want to move is political. Plus you don’t know if your colleagues are in agreement with the political agenda to curtail women’s rights. You are correct to ensure you get the very best medical care. However, state your case without mentioning the political agenda. One other thing to consider, moving to the more liberal states comes with a real sticker shock. Probably seriously more expensive than where you are currently living. May be best to investigate the healthcare available to you, find a doctor and hospital you like and stay put. Good luck!

5. AnonymousDecember 30,2024 at 3:26PM UTC

   Lol “liberal states might be more expensive so best to role the dice and just hope you don’t die not getting the care you might need. Good luck!” Crazy how she is saying she feels unsafe and you’re saying that “the reason she wants to move is political,” would love to understand that logic

6. AnonymousDecember 30,2024 at 1:22PM UTC

   Yes, adding to the choir on this one...wait until you ask to move. Not only do they want to see if they should invest in you, you want to see if you want to invest in them. Take the time to keep getting to know the company a bit better. Once you get into asks like maternity leave, it's easier to get that all planned out with a team you know and trust. See if you can trust these folks, then get the long term goals in place.

   And if you're really wanting to leave your state, maybe give yourself a timeline for when you'll either ask you employers or start applying in your chosen state (ideally at least a year in your role on your resume, though...)

7. AnonymousDecember 30,2024 at 1:37PM UTC

   I think that I would indicate that your partner and you are starting a family and need to move to be closer to a supportive network to help. It's truthful but not specific, does not indicate who is in that supportive network (which is personal anyway), and does not reveal anything political. I would also be prepared to pay all of my own relocation expenses and let them know that (if that is something your company offers).

8. AnonymousDecember 30,2024 at 2:35PM UTC

   I agree the OP will need to pay their own moving expenses - I've never heard of a company paying relo for someone asking to move to a different location as part of a transition to full time remote. I've only seen companies pay relocation expenses for people moving to a different area per request of the company as part of their job responsibilities.

9. AnonymousDecember 30,2024 at 2:29PM UTC

   4 months is honestly too soon unless it was a family emergency and you'd already distinguished yourself as a top performer that they didn't want to lose. I agree with the other commenters who said that you should wait to discuss this until after your annual review, and in the meantime also make sure your work is top notch so that you're standing out as a top performer they want to retain. Also, I would not be honest about the reason as you stated since it's almost never a good idea to put your political beliefs on record at your workplace. I agree with the other commenters who suggested that you make it about a more vague family support related reason. Wishing you best of luck in your new job as well as your family plans.

10. AnonymousDecember 30,2024 at 3:20PM UTC

    Political beliefs? She said she doesn’t feel safe, how is that “political beliefs”

11. AnonymousDecember 30,2024 at 3:51PM UTC

    Ignore anyone on this thread who is claiming your move is “political,” they apparently don’t know how to read, given your post says you feel unsafe, which is completely warranted. Crazy how other women, who’ve maybe even gone through pregnancy themselves, don’t seem to understand how restrictions on your healthcare looks and feels to a young person wanting to start a family. Feeling unsafe with these restrictions, put in place by men, who these laws don’t even affect, is again completely warranted and not at all political, and you’re smart to be considering it in your planning (unfortunately).

    I agree with the other poster who says given the time you’ve been there thus far it might be difficult to ask for a move. The best way to go about it might be to say you’re considering 1. Moving closer to family in the long term, or 2. Have aging family you’ll expect will need care in the future (or in the next year) that you’d like to consider getting closer to by moving to X state. I don’t know what industry this is but I think generally mentioning anything about getting pregnant (and therefore needing maternity leave eventually) might be a turn off in any new place of work, so I’d avoid bringing that up since you just started (it’s pathetic that women can’t comfortably have these conversations about family planning but it’s unfortunately the world we live in. People do not care about our needs). I would wait til at least the 6 month mark, or perhaps year review, to discuss it but I know if you’re ready to try you probably don’t want to put it off for too long - you just never know what will happen in that sense or how long it will take.
    Consider doing EVERYTHING you can to prove yourself for a few more months so at least they trust you enough to consider it.

    Good luck and again I’m sorry that our country has failed you so deeply that this is something you even have to consider. The generations of women before us (who in some cases allowed this to happen!) do not even remotely understand what this feels like.

12. AnonymousDecember 30,2024 at 6:01PM UTC

    I would be honest if you think it will not affect your employment status. If you move to a state where the cost of living is less than where you are be prepared for a cost adjustment down to that location, and not up if you move to somewhere less costly.

13. AnonymousDecember 30,2024 at 6:18PM UTC

    I'm so sorry that you are in this situation. I also am hoping to start a family soon and feel concerned about the restrictions the upcoming government may put on our rights to healthcare. Luckily I am in California so I am hoping will be safe here.

    My recommendation is to first better understand the remote policy - who and when are people allowed to go remote? Are there other offices you could go to if you're not allowed to be remote? Are there any exceptions to these rules? Next, I'd try to find a mentor - someone who you can both trust and who is respected at the company or who has been there for a while. I'd get their thoughts on how to go about it. Companies and people can differ so much so in my experience it's usually best to lean on people who have been there. I'd also think about other routes to request remote that may be an easier sell (sadly). Is the majority of your team out of the office? Do you have a role that makes it easier to be out of office? Are there other exceptions you might lean on? I.e. caring for a parent or a medical issue that could (again sadly) create an exception for you? I'd explore all possible options in case this one doesn't work.

    Good luck to you and praying for all of us that we can stay healthy and protected during the next administration ?

14. AnonymousDecember 30,2024 at 8:22PM UTC

    it is not the employer's responsibility to worry about particular state laws, how they might change (or not), and how that affects the personal plans of employees. (I don't mean to sound harsh, but I just want to warn you that your personal desire to start a family, and your concerns about fertility care, will not be high on your employer's radar. ). That being said, you've only been with this company for four months. Asking to relocate might be possble if a remote position opens in another state, but I am guessing you've not been with your employer long enough to ask for moving cost coverage. At the same time, I would encourage you to think about your pregnancy plan(s) as something that is not static, but very fluid. Our health/fertility status/medical challenges/risks are ever changing- from woman to woman, day to day. Likewise, legislation is also changing but it's not dependent upon one person, one president, one governor. Did you think of this before the November election, and/or before you accepted the job 4 mos ago? What has changed? Can you move closer to a state line if something drastic prevents you from obtaining a care option? I"m sorry this feels scary, overwhelming, threatening (*maybe)- but I would encourage you to move on with your plans to have a family, as that is your heart's desire. Nothing, and I Mean NOTHING is guaranteed in this life- even moving to another state presents no guarantees; What if the law changes there?

15. AnonymousDecember 30,2024 at 10:09PM UTC

    Have you honestly explored the health care in your state or are you listening to rumors? You need to do your own honest investigation rather than listening to rumors. I'm betting many women have had good health care in your state.

16. AnonymousDecember 31,2024 at 5:06AM UTC

    It's not rumor that doctors in many states are not permitted to intervene if there is a fetal heartbeat unless/until the woman's life is imminently at risk. This means someone with a "missed miscarriage" must be septic before the doctor can perform a D&C without worrying about being reported to the authorities and potentially criminally charged. This is not good healthcare and it could happen to any woman of childbearing age in a state that has criminalized abortion care. This is not paranoia and it's not unreasonable for young women to fear for their health and their lives in such circumstances.

17. AnonymousDecember 31,2024 at 2:28PM UTC

    Do you know this for fact? There are many rumors around that are not true or turned into unreal drama.

18. AnonymousDecember 31,2024 at 10:20PM UTC

    Yes. I am part of the birth community in a red state with similarly proscriptive regulations. The midwives and OBs are traumatized by some of the situations they are witnessing or participating in where women are not treated when it would have been minimal trauma and instead left to get sicker and sicker until any provider would agree that she is at risk of dying without treatment. This is real. It's happening across the country at this point, and these exact situations are why Ireland dropped the same provisions a few years ago. This is not an unpredictable outcome of these absurdly overreaching laws. They knew where it was going to lead, and they chose to do it anyway. And until they see this exact thing play out in their own families, they aren't going to relent. But none of it will keep the extremist politicians and the preachers from sending their mistresses and unwed daughters out of state for their abortions anyway.

19. AnonymousJanuary 1,2025 at 2:11PM UTC

    Do you have access to the internet?

20. AnonymousDecember 31,2024 at 2:17PM UTC

    who is relying on rumors now? "Betting many women have had good healthcare in your state"

21. Joan Williams, Senior Talent Acquisition SpecialistDecember 31,2024 at 12:58AM UTC

    You're right to be concerned about reproductive healthcare in TX - good for you for planning ahead.

    That said, under no circumstances would I tell anyone at your current company the reason why you're planning to relocate. It is none of anyone's business. Preganancy discrimination is a for-real thing. It might take a while to conceive. You could be missing out on being assigned to important projects or worse.

    If pressed, I would say something generic along the lines of you need to be closer to family (or aging parents).

    Four months seems kind of early in your tenure to be asking to relocate - I would wait until your one year mark if you can.

    Good luck!

22. AnonymousDecember 31,2024 at 5:27AM UTC

    I'm not quite understanding the issue of safety but I would do what's best for your family even if it's a hypothetical scenario.

23. AnonymousDecember 31,2024 at 1:23PM UTC

    Can you clarify...are you looking to move out of the state?

24. AyianDecember 31,2024 at 1:40PM UTC

    I can clarify on their behalf. Yes. Women die here regularly of pregnancy related issues because doctors are scared shitless of the recent hostile legislation regarding the rights of the fetus, even when it has already died or will kill the woman.

25. AnonymousDecember 31,2024 at 2:53PM UTC

    I am well aware of the current state of things in Texas, and many areas of this country. I was not clear in reading her original post if that was her actual intent was to move out of the state or just go fully remote. I will blame it on being on way to early after not much sleep but your response was akin to mansplaining for me.

26. AyianDecember 31,2024 at 7:09PM UTC

    I'm sorry that your sensitivities were hurt by what I suppose is your perspective that I over-explained why the OP was insinuating that the intended move is out of state. I also didn't have a lot of sleep. When you are, presumably, more alert than you were earlier, it's harder to waive the way you respond. Best wishes.

27. AyianDecember 31,2024 at 1:43PM UTC

    lol I'm sorry, you "have friends in Texas and it's absolutely safe"? I literally laughed. Women here are dying of easily treatable pregnancy related health issues because doctors are afraid of the legal consequences if they act, to to and including the death of the woman. Furthermore, Texas has a very high mortality rate for women who give birth. Texas is a birth-at-all-costs state. No, it is not safe here.

28. Sue Gordon- retired Career CoachDecember 31,2024 at 1:54PM UTC

    Four months is too brief to ask for a transfer.

    And it is never a good idea to share your plans about trying to conceive. No one’s business but yours, and it could hurt you (sadly).

    Wait for while to ask (at least the first year and performance review). Then ask about the transfer.

    Good luck!

29. Melissa NobileDecember 31,2024 at 2:02PM UTC

    It is certainly safe to have children anywhere in the US. If you have a problem, your doctor will handle it in hospital. Do your research. Talk to the OBs.

30. AnonymousDecember 31,2024 at 2:18PM UTC

    wow, way to stick your head in the sand.

    Pretty sure these women or rather their families would have something to say about your statement that "it's certainly safe to have children anywhere in the US". Wake up.

    Josseli Barnica (Texas)

    Yeniffer Alvarez-Estrada Glick (Texas)

    Porsha Ngumezi (Texas)

    Nevaeh Crain (Texas)

    Amber Nicole Thurman (Georgia)

    Candi Miller (Georgia

    Tashya Wilkinson-Sobieski (Indiana)

31. AnonymousDecember 31,2024 at 2:47PM UTC

    Wait..I thought wasn't a political issue??

32. AnonymousDecember 31,2024 at 2:58PM UTC

    I think you mean "if you have a problem, your doctor will handle it in hospital, if the government says they can - otherwise you'll die."

33. AnonymousDecember 31,2024 at 5:31PM UTC

    I think it get what she is saying. If there is a problem in the pregnancy she may not have many options but she is not asking about that. Just tell your employer you would like to relocate for family reasons. The worse that can happen is they say no.

34. TomDecember 31,2024 at 4:07PM UTC

    I'm not sure how you would go about proving your position that the "state that isn't safe for women's health and fertility care." I'm trying not to be a "Debbie Downer" but I'm thinking the employer isn't going to buy your argument. Therefore, they might tell you, hopefully in a nice way, that they won't consider your request. There may be another way to approach this, but I'm not coming up with any ideas at this time. Possibly you could find a more solid ADA accommodation basis for your request. I wish you well!

35. AnonymousDecember 31,2024 at 5:21PM UTC

    This is completely off topic. She says she's planning a family. You offer stories on termination. Not sure why????

36. AnonymousDecember 31,2024 at 5:49PM UTC

    I think OP is referring to the fact that she could be arrested for murder for having a miscarriage in the state of Texas, and the fact that good OBs are fleeing states who have laws like this, leaving the women left with crappy(er) health care more than anything else.

    She’s considering requesting a move to one of her company’s other locations before starting a family, in hopes of better options.

37. AyianDecember 31,2024 at 7:30PM UTC

    There are also states now that have outlawed the disposal of excess IVF materials now because "that's a life". It may even come to Texas - we shall have to see.

38. AnonymousDecember 31,2024 at 6:18PM UTC

    OP is not asking for your opinion on whether Texas is a safe place for her. She is asking for your advice on how to request full-time remote status from her company. Y'all are doing too much that Google could do for you.

    OP: The comments here are probably pretty telling about how you might should approach this. I would not mention your concerns *at all*, and instead just ask when it might be appropriate to start talking about being remote. Especially since other employees are remote, I don't think it's an unreasonable request. If I were you, I would straight up lie -- My partner's gotten a job offer in-person in another state, etc. -- and just see how it goes. Nobody needs to know your reasoning, it's a question you're entitled to ask. Good luck out there.

39. AyianDecember 31,2024 at 7:15PM UTC

    https://www.texastribune.org/2024/11/27/texas-abortion-death-porsha-ngumezi/

    Educate yourself. Your opinion is not related to fact.

40. AnonymousJanuary 2,2025 at 4:33AM UTC

    Always amazing how uninformed these people are, yet they spew like they know what they’re talking about. The fundamental misunderstanding that “miscarriages aren’t illegal…” yet have no idea that miscarriages ARE abortion in many cases. Or that doctors are scared to perform them even if they are needed, leading to death and health issues for mothers who DO want children. It’s truly absurd to be this stupid.

41. AyianDecember 31,2024 at 7:21PM UTC

    https://www.texastribune.org/2024/11/27/texas-abortion-death-porsha-ngumezi/

    I'll leave this here for you and your religious beliefs.

    Facts don't care what you believe. They will stubbornly continue to be true with or without your personal opinion. Legal in Texas? Sure. Will doctors perform them? Maybe. Often no. I personally know multiple women who had to go to other states for MEDICALLY NECESSARY removal of dead fetuses that were not subject to spontaneous abortion (the medical term for miscarriage).

    Either you are painfully unaware of how common it is to need medical assistance to preserve the life and/or health of the woman who is attempting to create a new life or you are painfully unaware and naive of the actual fact of how difficult it can be to receive "medically necessary" treatment when legislators blatantly refuse to define "medically necessary" and the medical review board lacks the legal power to define the term themselves, thus leaving doctors, facilities, and hospitals potentially legally liable for any and all consequences, including legal fees that are not in the budget to defend themselves in the event that they did act and are challenged on their judgement.

    SMH. What a joke. You clearly haven't thought this through.

42. AyianDecember 31,2024 at 7:34PM UTC

    Examples of problems:

    The fetus died in utero, but you haven't had a spontaneous abortion for weeks, leaving you at high risk of sepsis, followed by death

    Your liver, kidney, heart, or other organ function is so negatively affected by the pregnancy that you are at grave peril of death, disability, or permanent health issues if the pregnancy continues

    The fetus formed in your fallopian tubes and must be aborted immediately or you'll *checks notes* die.

    You know, just a few examples. It's not exhaustive or comprehensive whatsoever, but there are, in fact, major medical issues that pregnancy itself can cause or that incomplete, unassisted cessation of pregnancy can create.

43. GirlBossanova161544January 1,2025 at 1:26PM UTC

    You want to move, the reason why is none of anyone’s business.

44. Victoria NoltenJanuary 1,2025 at 4:27PM UTC

    You are right to be concerned about starting a family in a red state and anyone that thinks differently is putting their head in the sand. There is a reason for anonymous posting. States are losing their Obgyns due to their fear of practicing evidence-based medicine.

    I wouldn’t approach the situation from the view point of this reason however. Just start the conversation with a question about how one moves to remote and explain that you love working for the company and want to be there long-term. You and your family have been discussing the potential of moving to other state in the future.

    If they are not open to the conversation then start looking in your preferred state and see what is available.

    Oregon is beautiful and we have amazing pregnancy care. :)

45. AnonymousJanuary 2,2025 at 1:26PM UTC

    Seriously? Why would any woman considering pregnancy proceed in a state where the government controls her medical decisions? For instance, in a situation where pregnancy tests show, the baby will have severe medical problems and may not even survive? Some of the responses to this post show why you shouldn't discuss this with anyone. Get out of there immediately

46. AnonymousJanuary 2,2025 at 1:28PM UTC

    You're aware that if something goes wrong in the pregnancy and she needs an abortion, it could be denied and she could die, right? Like this literally has happened in that very state. I wouldn't want to try to have a family there either.

47. AnonymousJanuary 2,2025 at 6:00PM UTC

    You can "flag" it all you want. Stop defending Texas's horrible stance on abortions and miscarriages. It's DANGEROUS. People have died.

48. AnonymousJanuary 2,2025 at 6:05PM UTC

    You're aware there's more in OR than just Portland right? Kind of like living in NYC is super expensive but other parts of the state are beautiful and COL is pretty cheap.

    "Leftist" thinking like wanting people to have healthcare, to be safe, to not fear sending their kids to school. Please stop with the Fox News talking points. It's not helping anyone.

49. Adrianna StankovichJanuary 2,2025 at 7:51PM UTC

    Regardless of all the arguing in here on if Texas is safe for women's health, do what feels right to you. If you don't feel safe there, then follow your gut. That is your decision. All the arguing on here is meaningless to you personally. You know you and your health and health concerns best.

    As to your request, I think others might have said, start with some exploratory conversations. What are the requirements? Do you need to be there a certain amount of time before you can move out of state?

    I wouldn't mention your reasons. As you can see, it's a hot topic and you don't want to cause any stress in working relationships. You can be honest about wanting to move out of state, you don't have to say why. And if your partner can secure a job somewhere else, that in itself is a great excuse.

    Good luck!

50. Victoria NoltenJanuary 2,2025 at 10:57PM UTC

    I don't live in Portland. I live on a farm in a tiny rural town. However, Portland is a beautiful city and the national news does not do it justice. Yeah, there is a homeless problem like most places including Texas.

    Opinions are not facts. Pro-birth propaganda is not facts. I deal in facts and happily accept facts that disagree with my known facts.

    Happy to be a leftist and believe that everyone has rights and should have access to healthcare, education and sexual freedom.

51. Victoria NoltenJanuary 3,2025 at 2:47AM UTC

    https://sph.tulane.edu/study-finds-higher-maternal-mortality-rates-states-more-abortion-restrictions

    Look how red Texas is.

    there is no difference between elective abortion and medically necessary abortion, both are healthcare and none of our business. It’s between a pregnant person, their family, doctor and god. Facts are in states with prohibitive forced birth laws it is more dangerous for people to give birth.

    (Note the link to a real research paper with citations)

    here is a live webcam of beautiful Portland Oregon. It’s not burning, dangerous or scary. That’s just a silly right wing talking point.

    https://www.camscape.com/webcam/pioneer-square-webcam-in-portland/

52. Victoria NoltenJanuary 3,2025 at 2:55AM UTC

    Red states take more in government funds than they pay out. You are all carried by the money generated by blue states. And you benefit from the liberal policies you hate so much. You literally shoot yourselves in the foot.

    https://stevenrattner.com/2024/09/steve-rattners-morning-joe-charts-blue-aid-for-red-states/

53. AnonymousJanuary 6,2025 at 1:21PM UTC

    This is so inappropriate in every way.

    FACT: A fetus is not a child.

    FACT: A fetus cannot live outside the mother, therefore you are not murdering it.

    FACT: Many of these laws restrict women from getting a timely abortion in cases that could ultimately kill them. Or in traumatic cases where they baby would be born and immediately die.

    FACT: You are OUT OF LINE.

54. AnonymousJanuary 6,2025 at 1:25PM UTC

    I am so confused by everything in this comment. No, we so-called "leftists" wanted abortion to still be legal through the entire country and for the SCOTUS to uphold that law, not strike it down.

    DARLING, you can get over your MAGA self. I voted for civil rights, for care, for love, and yes for government intervention (I mean, look at all the havoc deregulation has caused, see: avian flu).

    You are a troubled person. I feel very sorry for you that you have been twisted to spin reality in such a way. Good luck...DARLING.

55. AnonymousJanuary 6,2025 at 1:25PM UTC

    Really? Because I can find at least three stories of women denied necessary procedures like a D&C and then dying. It's nice to live with your head in the sand, I guess.