How much in the wrong am I for raising my voice at someone at work, who was also preventing me from working?

50 Comments

1. AnonymousJune 27,2022 at 6:38PM UTC

   Well your response was certainly not professional and didn't cast you in a light of leadership or capable if handling difficulty.

   But one outburst will not sink you.

   What you have to understand is that there will always be difficult people and people who will try and undermine your role and authority. This is a given

   So learn from this and revisit how you can do better and do it earlier so you do not implode. Enlist others if need be, but do parse through your response to identify your triggers, hiw to diffuse frustrating events before they develop into a struggle if wills and how you can gain distance when is benefits you.

   Yes you have a list of grievances, but your response(s) can be different.

2. AnonymousJune 27,2022 at 7:00PM UTC

   It was poor work etiquette and not a good demonstration of EQ and will likely result in consequences.

   At the same time I also have done this.. to a manipulative backstabbing toxic coworker because I literally had been bottling it up inside for so long. She was not a team player and refused to join our group in a required task which needed to be completed. It was the anniversary of a coworker who had passed away a year earlier at a very young age (and the reason for the open position that got her the job). I made one remark to her asking (honestly) whether she had ever worked on a team before or if all of her positions had been independent. She immediately ran to our Sr Director and complained. My teammates and I (minus the one who complained) were called into the office and I basically unloaded what had been months of resentment loudly, expressing my anger and listing all of her actions I took offense to. I'm sure it could be heard by most of our HR and Payroll dept. Then once dismissed from the meeting I walked outside to get some air and literally kicked a bathroom door on my way out, with my coworker trying to calm me down. I am typically reserved in the office and try to be very enthusiastic and kind to all of my coworkers. I speak with logic, never discussing personal feelings.

   She caught me on the wrong day, It cost me a promotion and I quit less than 2 months later because if the director, who had known me for over 5 years, would automatically take the new hire's side without trying to understand what had caused me to act out of character, then I would no longer be able to respect my leader (who I had previously admired and aspired to be like in the past) nor could I spend a single day longer dealing with this awful coworker who had ultimately succeeded in bringing me down professionally. I could tell she sensed I was tracked for succession and I guess that made her insecure. I am responsible for my actions but, like you, I was not wrong. I loved my job but was seriously underpaid and now I want to send her a thank you card for helping me make the decision to quit and double my salary at my next job.

3. Kristie WhiteJune 27,2022 at 7:29PM UTC

   Personally, I wouldn't worry about it. You have said this PM is leaving - so she has basically already left and is shirking any closure of details. You aren't going to get anything else out of her. If she reports it, I would calmly say - she refused to do her job and I was trying to make her realize that she had a responsibility to the work while she was still being paid.

4. AnonymousJune 27,2022 at 8:19PM UTC

   A lesson to learn for future interactions is there will never be a scenario where it will be okay for you to yell at another person at work, unless you are in the military and that is the expected culture.

   Even if they treat you bad, you have to learn how to communicate tactfully and get your point across without stooping to their stupidity.

   I think the way you even described your role is volatile..."to prevent the interior designers from taking over" Whoever set that precedence is setting a horrible example of collaborating in a work environment.

   Even though she is leaving, if this is volatile culture is the standard, I would encourage you to use this as an opportunity to develop more effective ways to communicate tactfully to suss out the outcome that you want. It is not an easy skill to master, but once you conquer it, you would not feel like you have to yell even at the most stubborn moron to get your point across.

   Read books and watch youtube videos if you have to about strategic communications and how to be influential. This wont only help you now, but also give you the tools for any environment with such a strong polarizing dynamic.

5. Heather BinghamJune 27,2022 at 8:37PM UTC

   I think it depends on your industry. In some industries, often creative, yelling can be part and parcel of the functioning of an organisation. It isn't pretty, and as an org psych I wouldn't say it could ever be truly healthy, but it can proliferate because everyone in the organisation recognises this as part and parcel of getting things done. I've seen this in classical music, opera and design.

   In other settings, it would be anathema to have someone yell at a colleague. Where I work it wouldn't be gross misconduct, but it would most likely result in a disciplinary. However, that's just because it isn't understood as a way in which we influence others and it therefore has no place.

   Regardless, it is always best to concentrate on not overstepping your own mark. It may well be that no one where you work is remotely shocked and some might be supportive, but you aren't happy with yourself for yelling and that's what's really important. I usually find that really concentrating hard on how to get the outcome you need, rather than on the individuals concerned, is a way that keeps you firmly in control. You have a great opportunity now to learn from this experience, as it will tell you how you feel when you're very nearly pushed to your limit. At that point you can take yourself away from the situation and think strategically about how you're going to influence the situation. You may even find that yelling is the way to go, depending on the setting, but if you do yell again you'll be in full control and it won't result in you feeling again how you feel now.

6. AnonymousJune 28,2022 at 12:47AM UTC

   Thanks for each of these comments. I shared that I'm in the architecture industry because it is partly normal for people to be shouting at each other in some capacity, whether restrained agitation or outright anger. I've worked in offices where people would slam conference room doors or shout in someone's face - mostly men have done this. Whether or not it's part of the creative culture - as someone also had mentioned - I bring this up because it's not something I enjoy having to do when pushed against a wall. I appreciate some of the suggestions in learning how to channel my frustrations better and to respond in a more calm manner.

7. Sabine MorrowJune 28,2022 at 8:48PM UTC

   Exhibiting emotional intelligence is a critical skill on the job a in life. Raising your voice in a professional setting is never appropriate. Maybe being shrewder and beating her at her own game is in order. Its hard to provide specific examples without knowing how you work in that environment and how your roles interact. But there are ways to not allow someone to control you. If you can't do that you should consider moving on because you cannot grow and thrive and take on new responsibilities in this environment.

8. Jennifer DeeseJune 29,2022 at 12:55PM UTC

   I have also been in a situation where I was gaslit and micromanaged, to the point that the test lead I was working under made me copy her on any emails I sent to the team. I was already tracking all my completed daily work, the same as other team members. It was a situation, however, where she felt threatened by me, yet I was a junior and just trying to do my job. Eventually I went to our site program manager, and said "Look, here's what is happening. I'm not asking you to do anything per se right now, I just need you to know what is going on. I will continue to try my best and do my job." Three months later she "left to take care of her grandfather" a couple states over, but we saw in the business journal that she started a new position. It surfaced that the work she was supposed to have been doing was not done at all. They gave me her job (full time/raise/promotion).

9. AnonymousJune 29,2022 at 1:02PM UTC

   I am also a female designer doing senior level work without the title. I don’t know what it’s like at an architecture firm, but I know it is DIFFICULT getting people to listen to designers on a good day. Triple difficult for women designers, in my opinion. I can empathize.

10. AnonymousJune 30,2022 at 12:10PM UTC

    When you say you raised your voice, what do you mean? If you spoke only slightly louder and with authority, then you were essentially making it clear they had crossed a boundary, and this is fine and appropriate.

11. rgstaffing@bellsouth.netJune 30,2022 at 12:15PM UTC

    Regardless of the circumstances, it is never appropriate to yell at co-workers or management in the workplace. This comes under anger management and impulse control. While it might not have consequences for this incident, I can guarantee you that it will not be forgotten.

12. Liz MilneJune 30,2022 at 12:42PM UTC

    I have to disagree a bit.

    Anger issues would have seen OP shouting much earlier in this scenario. It sounds like the PM has a habit of using provocative language, only worries about her own wants and needs and was putting the entire project at risk with her poor attitude.

    If ever shouting (or simply raising one's voice) was justified, I would think this is that situation?

13. AnonymousJune 30,2022 at 12:29PM UTC

    I find this to be a daily problem in my line of work. Some times we need to assert ourselves in a manner in which people will hear us. If that means raising your voice a bit to get into an assertive mode to get your point across, so be it. So long as no one was yelling and screaming.

14. AnonymousJune 30,2022 at 12:29PM UTC

    It is incredibly frustration to be the one to have to lose your cool before people respect you and your work needs. I can empathize. I would document everything that happened and then move on. If someone asks, you can present your information in a calm, collected manner. Chances are nothing will come of it.

15. AnonymousJune 30,2022 at 12:36PM UTC

    Disclaimer that my opinion is just that, an opinion. After reading what happened and some of the comments.. I just want to say that we have to be careful not to also contribute to toxic workplaces. It’s definitely not easy to stay composed when people push us, but let’s face it .. it happens a lot in our every day lives (not only at work). If we don’t check ourselves, our own behavior can become unhealthy. To have a stance that someone made us do something by how they’ve been acting or treating us, is like the old saying.. ‘ look what you made me do’ when someone acts out or is abusive to someone else. Let’s remember that everyone has their own struggles and we never really know what’s going on with them. I would just take a moment to reflect on how it could have been handled differently by you because you can only control you. Try and use it as a learning and growing experience for you. That meeting was not a life our death situation and follow up could have happened offline, another meeting, other communication..etc. to make sure things stayed on track. People like this, situations like this..will more than likely happen again and again during your career. The best part is, you are more prepared for this type of scenario going forward.

16. Liz MilneJune 30,2022 at 12:40PM UTC

    Justified, I would say.

    However, whether you can prove your version of events in a she-says/ you-say situation is another story.

    Hopefully the people who spoke up for you will continue to do so? xx

17. Shari MarkowitzJune 30,2022 at 12:47PM UTC

    you voiced your opinion well it seems appropriate for the situation. At least you didn’t curse. It can be difficult not to get crazy when trying to speak up for something you believe in given that type of situation. Hopefully this doesn’t get out of hand. Best of luck. Work situations can get complicated

18. Mary KerdashaJune 30,2022 at 12:50PM UTC

    So I am an interior designer, so I do understand the roles, the hierarchy, and the frustrations. I feel for you, we are often put in difficult situations. With that said, yelling is not the way to handle it. Put yourself in the other person’s shoes and if you were posting someone yelled at you to do something right before you left on vacation. See? Not a good look. My advice is take a mental break, meditate, go for a walk around the block, separate yourself from the dynamic a little. Then I know this is hard, but apologize for your outburst. Finally, if the job just continues to drive you to the boiling point I would consider a different firm. Office cultures can vary widely in this field and I am sure you can find one where you feel it is a better fit. Best of luck!

19. BeaBoss979975June 30,2022 at 4:15PM UTC

    There is a huge difference between raising your voice and "yelling."

20. Jennifer FingerJune 30,2022 at 12:50PM UTC

    I can understand being provoked, and it's a good thing you had someone to back you up, because you're right. Managers do consider raising your voice unprofessional, and all too often, even when you're in the right and they're in the wrong, they still hold you responsible.

    Document everything, including this person who responded that you're right, and see if you can get that person to sign off on your documentation, so that you can prove that the PM was out of line in the first place.

21. Stephanie LekowskiJune 30,2022 at 12:54PM UTC

    It wasn't and can't blame you. Very frustrating, especially in this age of coddling whiny employees since corporate "leaders" live in quaking fear of discrimination lawsuits and use team cohesiveness as an excuse to keep you from standing up for yourself. Yes, you're probably going to get spoken to about this, because most HR and supervisors tend to take the side of the ones who scream or whine the loudest. At least you're leaving, hope you're going to a better place than what you're dealing with now.

22. AnonymousJune 30,2022 at 1:09PM UTC

    “If you mess up, fess up”. Go to your manager and tell them what happened - right away. You want your manager to hear your version of events before hearing it from the other party (who will surely skew things in her favor) or thru the grapevine. Even if you didn’t “mess up” but there’s the potential for the other party (or people) to get their version “out in the street”, so to speak, you want to get to your manager right away and explain. You are in the best position to explain why “it” happened and even if you are in the wrong, your manager will have a clearer picture of your actions.

    Definitely don’t lie or even embellish but get your explanation to your manager right away. Don’t let others control the narrative leaving you in a deficit trying to explain.

23. Kimberly G. SmothersJune 30,2022 at 2:36PM UTC

    I agree 100% with this recommendation.

24. AnonymousJune 30,2022 at 1:14PM UTC

    It wasn't.
    Raising your voice doesn't sound especially terrible! It's awful that we sometimes have to show our teeth to bullies, but unfortunately it can be the only way to be heard. And who knows -- this may be the catalyst that shows up the PM's evident lack of "management" skills, not to mention HER genuinely bad behavior.

25. AnonymousJune 30,2022 at 8:18PM UTC

    Also, “raising one’s voice” is a very subjective phrase.

    Where is the line between being assertive and raising your voice? A bully or toxic manager may view anything assertive as out of line just because they are not used to being challenged and prefer their subordinates to cower in silence.

    (I’m someone who has had a family member say I was yelling when I was not being heard at all and kept being assertive. They were not used to me standing up for myself )

    OP- one misstep doesn’t define you.

26. UnsubscriberJune 30,2022 at 1:18PM UTC

    Welcome to the big league! You sound like you know what you are doing. Don’t let anyone get in the way of your work quality.

27. UnsubscriberJune 30,2022 at 1:55PM UTC

    I recommend meditating afterward, having to yell at someone ungrounds you.

28. AnonymousJune 30,2022 at 1:20PM UTC

    I have an immediate family member who is an architect; her best friend is ID. And, my immediate family has migrated her work toward ID (she likes it better)--so I totally understand the closeness with which both of these disciplines work, and how your education is also very similar. I also hear from my family member all of the stress/deadlines and egos being dealt with on a daily basis- it's alot. And, from your description...it sounds like tensions are high and there is really no place for people being difficult. Alas...Your peer was/is being difficult. You popped your gasket. Honestly, I don't think there is much to be done about it now. Perhaps consider going to her personally and apologizing for losing your cool. Keep it sincere, short and sweet. (I know you ARE sorry for your behavior). Don't get into debate with him/her about anything else. Just apologize for how you responded, your lack of control. and leave it at that...You've learned a lesson in self control. (and by the way, we all understand how this can happen)....let it go. I highly doubt anything will come of this, esp since others witnessed the interaction and saw that you are right. Good luck!

29. AnonymousJune 30,2022 at 1:21PM UTC

    Raising your voice isn't a crime. As long as you kept your language unofensive. Men rais their voices in meeings often and no one raises an eyebrow. Sounds like someone leaving was trying to get one last dig in. I'd let it go and move on.

30. AnonymousJune 30,2022 at 2:59PM UTC

    I came here to say this! If the OP were a man she wouldn't even be writing this. She wouldn't have thought twice about it. But others have commented that this behavior would also not be questioned if it came from a man, where it would make people uncomfortable coming from a woman.

31. Shelly EdwardsJune 30,2022 at 1:44PM UTC

    First, don't be so hard on yourself. I've worked in the construction industry so I know a little bit about the relationship between architects and interior designers. In my limited experience, architects can be very arrogant and refuse to listen to anyone regarding the overall project. From the circumstance you described, it sounds like raising your voice was the only way to be heard. It should not normally come to that and in normal circumstances you should try to maintain your composure, but once in a while, you have to back a bully down. If you need to work together for the sake of the project budget and your PM doesn't want to do that, then it's good to remind them that their budget will then be a mess and it will become their problem and their issue to solve. Sometimes an aggressive person needs to be pushed back a little bit and professionally so they understand that you have a job to do too and you are going to do that job. Just don't make it a habit because then it becomes a whole other problem.

32. EMILY KIKUE FRANKJune 30,2022 at 2:06PM UTC

    Women are told from day 1 that we shouldn't get angry, but sometimes anger is warranted! Doesn't sound like you were in the wrong here.

33. Lindsay HarperJune 30,2022 at 2:08PM UTC

    Gaslighters live to see us lose our cool. I am sure those around you that know the gaslighter have felt like doing what you did!

34. AnonymousJune 30,2022 at 2:31PM UTC

    Document everything! And finally: you are not in the wrong.

    When they go low, we go high. That doesn’t mean not being our authentic selves. I understand your annoyance and maybe how uncomfortable it felt having to raise

    your voice but good on you for standing your ground. Good on you for not backing down. If it takes raising your voice, then so be it. Maybe in the long term that isn’t the company for you? But these kinds of people exist everywhere. How we respond and react can change though. if it’s a situation that happens again and YOU don’t want to respond in the same manner then adapt. But you were not in the wrong. Think of it this: if a man reacted that way you did, would anyone blink an eye? Probably not.

    You are not in the wrong. Document the entirety of events in email to yourself in the case that they “report” you to a manager or HR. Stand your ground and tie it back to your main points on how withholding key information would have real budgetary impacts for the company that YOU were and are protecting. If there’s real feedback to be provided, then it should be that the other individual was not in favor of collaboration and cost impacts for the company.

    You are not in the wrong.

35. AnonymousJune 30,2022 at 2:34PM UTC

    While I agree with the answers here, I was almost fired for raising my voice, I did not say any offence language, but I was called on the carpet for being condescending.
    I just asked for the info I had been waiting on. I was not fired, but was on the hot seat. The other person kept keeping information from me, it was bad. I moved areas and things are fine, but this person loves to cause drama and to get folks angry. I saw try not to get angry in any situation or raise my voice.

36. AnonymousJune 30,2022 at 3:06PM UTC

    Perhaps your best option, if you are unhappy with your job, is to look around for something else and then quit?

37. Karina WillatsJune 30,2022 at 3:54PM UTC

    Your first paragraph clearly shows that you know this person's intentions, or do you?

    You and she seem to have got yourselves into very positional stances. I completely understand where you are coming from,. However, unless you can sit down with her calmly ask her what her motives are and how her approach is impacting you and your work, and thereby start a dialogue to get you both where you need to be as colleagues, you will continue to get so frustrated that you may well have further outbursts.

38. Bradford McCormickJune 30,2022 at 7:29PM UTC

    I think and feel raising one's voice i always wrong (except for shouting "Fire!" in a burning building), because it is ingracious and declasse -- you are getting down to their level. You should be setting a good example for them to learn from and raise themselves up to, even though. they won't, but that is their problem. Think and feel what you like but keep it to yourself.

    Far more important, however! Never give ammunition to the enemy! Be scrupulously respectful and polite to those who do not deserve it because they can use anything you say or to to hurt you and they will. If the game is worth the candle, jsut put up with disgusting people and don't get any on you. If not, start burrowing your way out to a better place and remember Lot's wife in the Bible.

39. AnonymousJuly 4,2022 at 8:32PM UTC

    Raising one's voice is always wrong, but, sometimes it is the right thing to do!

40. AnonymousJune 30,2022 at 10:12PM UTC

    No, you are not wrong for being assertive and raising your voice to get a valid point across and save a project's progress from going down the drain due to an unreasonable PM. Like others have commented, it's so incredibly sad that women are straddled with these unreasonable expectations to "grin and bear it to keep the peace" whereas men (in general) are given free reign to act as they see fit. Even when they yell obscenities at their staff no one gives it a second thought and see it as par for the course.

    I would also encourage you to document every exchange with this PM when it occurs and back it up by emailing it to yourself. Take care.

41. AnonymousJuly 1,2022 at 3:12AM UTC

    Its saddening how frequent female leaders have to despise female subordinates. It appears your skillset has been ignored for a long time and you are not given audience or credit for your contribution. This has made you an angry worker. However, shouting and yelling at your coworkers and boss at the workplace is disrespectful and could land you in trouble, plan to apologize. A few thing you can do in this kind of workplace environment. One, talk to your immediate female boss about how being ignored is affecting your productivity. However if she does not give you audience talk to her supervisors ensure you have documented evidence and Be aware that there are no friends at the workplace. Two, take leave and reflect what is causing you anger and resentment, and see how to manage it. Three, go with the flow, this will ease your stress. Let your egocentric boss lead. Prepare your contribution/requirements for projects and submit a hard copy and on email for evidence. Four, if all else fail look for a new job. Good luck.

42. AnonymousJuly 1,2022 at 4:37AM UTC

    Go with the flow? I don't think so - you really do not have any understanding of how projects work. The OP KNOWS what is and has made her stressed and angry! When the message is important, one does what needs to be done to be heard

43. AnonymousJuly 1,2022 at 6:05PM UTC

    You are exactly right. This advice sounds exactly like HR word salad, in other words: put up, shut up, lay back and take it or leave. Bad advice!!!!!!!! Placing the blame on the victim of a situation!

44. AnonymousJuly 3,2022 at 11:19AM UTC

    Not exactly. So is shouting at your boss the way to get what you deserve or heard?

45. AnonymousJuly 3,2022 at 11:18AM UTC

    Wow. I have over 15 years in projects with different bosses. Where will her aggressive behaviour take her. There are mature and professional ways to express oneself than shouting. Going with the flow would ease her anger and frustration and give her time to observe the 'why's this kind of mistreatment. Nobody wants to work with unmanageable and violent employees.

46. rgstaffing@bellsouth.netJuly 1,2022 at 6:39PM UTC

    This is so interesting to me. I think the poster knows that her behavior was wrong and inappropriate. She can fix that. What is amazing to me are the responses from obvious employees who cannot take direction, blame their managers, talking about HR , on and on and on. Call me lucky that i have never had to deal with candidates such as these. Or at least I have never placed them. It appears that none of them can work for anyone.

    I think that the poster shows promise as she can accept and recognize her behavior and I feel safe in saying that she won't be doing that again.

    Maybe I have just been sheltered but Lord have mercy.

47. AnonymousJuly 4,2022 at 8:29PM UTC

    Oh, for gawd sake!! If someone has years of experience they no doubt have heard men yelling and raising their voices many many times! Some times it may even be a correct response to an errant person not paying attention. Healthier work places are a good thing in this day and age, but, let's not go crazy over an isolated thing a woman does when men have been doing it for years!!

48. AnonymousJuly 1,2022 at 8:07PM UTC

    As a few others have noted, you can only control your own behaviors. Frustration is absolutely understandable in the situation you've described. The unfortunate part (which you have recognized) is that when your behavior is also unprofessional, now you become part of the problem and the real issue can go unresolved.

    Be proactive and take steps needed to address any concerns over your own behaviors (yelling) and commit to taking steps to reduce the likelihood of recurrence. This is your professional brand that you're protecting.

    Separately, work to address the workplace behaviors by the PM (or other people) negatively impacting your work. Each workplace has its own processes, although if the PM is heading out the door I wouldn't expect significant changes from that individual. Identify and communicate impacts to work delivery and to the client. This shifts the focus toward the common goal of successful client delivery.

    A great resource for these kinds of situations is the book "Crucial Conversations."

    I wish you the best of luck!

49. AnonymousJuly 2,2022 at 12:46AM UTC

    Get the job done, that is all I care about.
    As long as you aren't threatening or yelling inappropriately, it's ok to be passionate about your view.

    She was, however, speaking on your behalf, so you shouldn't have expected her to be able to do that. It's better if you do it yourself, because it's like expecting her to mindread.

    You probably could've explained it's a necessity that the financials be dealt with die to such and such reason, without yelling, but you felt like your work wasn't being given the attention it deserved, so you may have yelled out of frustration. It was pent-up frustration.

    Yelling to get through someone's denseness, when it really matters and when not doing so will be detriment to them, is normal. What would happen to a child if the mother didn't yell to keep the child out of the street? It could be that you had just witness such an event and so you automatically yelled too without being able to moderate your voice willfully due to the time constraint you were under.

    No one's perfect, you can only try to be. Don't get down on yourself for not being perfect, just do better next time.

    It's great that you care about your work and want to do a good job.

50. Angela MasonJuly 2,2022 at 5:17PM UTC

    As long as someone in the meeting stood up for you, you are in good shape. Do not worry about what she reports because others will have your back.

    (I won't dare mention how (in my head) racism crept into this scenario, because not everyone is racist; only those who think they aren't.)

    Thank goodness you have peers who support you!