Have you had to deal with a toxic boss?

32 Comments

1. AnonymousNovember 14,2022 at 7:55PM UTC

   Under communicate and over deliver. I created as much distance as humanly possible. After awhile she looked to manage others since I wasn't very rewarding to deal with. I didn't provide enough friction.

2. Vanda LeeNovember 15,2022 at 2:45PM UTC

   I've had that experience on a team of 8. You were just thankful you weren't the current target of the micro-managing. He would focus on 1 or 2 for a couple of months and then pivot and pick out some random minor thing like something you should have had on a report (which you'd never been told or done before) and then move his focus to another person. It was micromanaging hell...always moving the goalpost. It was like a duck and cover and nothing would change... I was determined not to just jump and run (I actually loved the work) so I went to HR... it rattled the cages & exposed a long history of his toxic behavior ( turnover under him had been a revolving door) but ultimately he threw me under the bus and I left with a severance package... and a lot of knowledge and new boundaries of what I will and will not tolerate. The karma is that all but 1 on this awesome team have left and there are not a lot of people applying to work in his region (jobs stay posted for a long time) which leaves his territory unattended and ultimately affects HIS performance. Word of advice - these people do not change...they rarely see that THEY are the problem and blame it on others... narcissism plays a huge character role and coaching doesn't work on this type of personality. Cut your losses and move on... on your terms.

3. Hope WyssNovember 14,2022 at 7:56PM UTC

   Yes. I went to HR first. It became clear that the manager would be protected over the employee. I resigned.

4. AnonymousNovember 14,2022 at 8:10PM UTC

   Yes. I am HR (department of 1) at a small-medium sized business and was reporting to the owner. It was not a good relationship, he is toxic, emotional, defensive, and a poor leader. I was interviewing at other companies and had some offers, though I do enjoy where I am (except for that 1 thing...) Per my request, I now report to the Director of Operations. So far it has been a much better fit. I am glad to have that option though as I know so many others can't do what I did. If I didn't have that option I would have resigned after finding a new position.

5. Changemaker828603November 14,2022 at 9:55PM UTC

   I know that if the boss is toxic, it is time to look for another position. There is no way to salvage that relationship, and it could literally destroy your career and mental health to work in that type of environment. Run.

6. AnonymousNovember 14,2022 at 9:55PM UTC

   Yes, once, and I didn't do much but I learned some things about how to handle it and what I could have done differently.

   1. Understand their perspective. In my situation I realized I had assumed they were aware of some things that they were not. I also now understand what their insecurities were and I could have used that to navigate our relationship.
   2. Advocate for myself. Toxic work environments are draining and I completely burnt out. I wish I would have spoken up more and done something to peacefully change things rather than feeling defeated.

   One thing that helps is to separate the toxic behavior from the person. The person they are creates their perspective, values and insecurities. That drives the behaviors but the intention is not always toxic. Most people think they're the good guy. An example with a coworker who often threw others under the bus, got snippy with our team and even sometimes lied about or covered up mistakes.. I realized it is very important to her to feel important. I noticed she did a great job and got along well when she was either working with someone higher than her or who made her feel confident. When I noticed she'd start being a bit bratty with me I'd "kill her with kindness" (although sometimes I wanted to, ok maybe even did occasionally, give her a snarky comment right back). I'd be sure to say how much something she did helped me or point out a strength I saw in her. Just about every time it bought me at least a few days of her being helpful and kind to me.

   If you're willing to , address the behavior head on but empathetically. The book, Crucial Conversations, is so helpful for this. Let them know how their behavior is affecting you or the team with the opener that you understand your feelings aren't necessarily 100% the reality of the situation as a whole. They may not be aware of how their behavior is perceived. If someone's behavior is toxic it is highly unlikely they will just become self-aware and decide to be better on their own.

   I say this all fully aware that some people just are generally nasty people who's intentions are purely selfish lol. But it's worth exploring the possibility they aren't.

7. AnonymousNovember 15,2022 at 3:30PM UTC

   I wish I had been aware enough of this and these strategies when it was happening in a former team. We used to say we never knew which boss would show up that day (Jekyll and Hyde). I was lucky and ended up finding a few sympathetic people outside of our org that were willing to be my advocate and helped me with a way through. It took a few years of highly visible results to gain enough traction. When I felt all alone and incompetent, I used to cry at least weekly alone driving home. Worst part, I found out a long time later I was a shining example to others.

8. AnonymousNovember 16,2022 at 5:12PM UTC

   I'll make sure to check out the book you mentioned. Dealing with toxic and difficult personalities is quite stressful and demoralizing especially at work.

9. AnonymousNovember 17,2022 at 3:47PM UTC

   Thank you for sharing this book recommendation!

10. AnonymousNovember 15,2022 at 6:04AM UTC

    I bet every other person on this website has. My experience tops it. On a Monday she pulled me and gave me promotion and a 8k payrise. On the Thursday she pulled me and said I wasn’t performing properly and wanted to extend my probation. I left the following Thursday. I have my notice there and then. That was the final straw in a constant game of trying to work her out. If she was in a good mood then all was well in the world. It was pathetic. I asked her a question once and she turned and scowled at me in a very very angry manner. Unbelievable. Luckily she didn’t scare me but she did others in the team. She would try and embarrass me in front of people. I was the best performer on the team, by a mile hence the promotion. I work in finance and numbers speak for themselves so it was easy to see how well I was doing. I was the best on the team and she treated me like dirt. Imagine how she treated mediocre staff. Staff who did a good job but didn’t meet her ridiculous expectations suffered. She made so many people cry. I left. So many others left and nothing was done about it. She was horrible.

11. AnonymousNovember 15,2022 at 1:40PM UTC

    This really resonates with my current situation and I only started 3 months ago (started looking for another job 1.5 months in). The woman I report to is bonkers, in over her head, and has no appreciation for any of her direct reports. I feel like I am in the passenger seat of her mood swing rollercoaster daily.

    Thank you for sharing. While I am sorry you experienced this, I appreciate you sharing - helps to know we're not alone.

12. TomBooleyNovember 15,2022 at 1:23PM UTC

    I quit.

13. AnonymousNovember 15,2022 at 1:34PM UTC

    It happened to me twice. Once it was so toxic that I just quit even though I had no other job lined up because I felt like my mental health was in danger if I stayed on. The other time, I stayed on until I found a new job and then quit.

14. Sheila PhieldsNovember 15,2022 at 1:39PM UTC

    My same experience in reverse order. The older I’ve gotten, the less tolerable I am of toxic work environments. It’s not worth the mental and physical drain.

15. Nancy LippincottNovember 15,2022 at 1:39PM UTC

    had a wretched boss who called me in to berate me for a "mistake" she felt I had made and demanded a response. My response was..."You know what, Fran? Every morning when I get up, I think long and hard about what could I do to F&%K up today?" - needless to say, she was speechless. I began an earnest search for a new job that day.

16. AnonymousNovember 15,2022 at 2:06PM UTC

    Mine was so outrageous that I quit in a mic drop fashion - no two weeks. The guy was methodical about how he went about doing everything - seriously pathological. It was quite literally the business equivalent of kidnapping a professional and putting them in your basement career torture chamber. I turned in a 2 page resignation letter describing his methodology of evil vendettas that masqueraded as "work", sent it to 45 other people and HR, fedexed back my laptop, done and done.

17. AnonymousNovember 15,2022 at 10:39PM UTC

    This is awesome. I love it when people shine a light and call out terrible workplace dysfunction. If more people were in a position to do this, perhaps there would be fewer horrible leaders and less dysfunction.

18. AnonymousNovember 15,2022 at 2:18PM UTC

    Yes, I politely and respectfully addressed the behavior and then got laid off a few months later unnecessarily (I did the department budget).

19. AnonymousNovember 15,2022 at 2:41PM UTC

    I quit after one month. I knew the day after I started it was a toxic environment. Tiny firm. I would literally cry on the way home every single day! Was told by the other support person (different firm, shared office) that quite a few people had started and sometimes left at lunch and did not come back. After I left, he offered the job back to me, but he was even toxic on the phone. I said no! WORST job of my life! Your mental health is more important than any boss!!!!

20. AnonymousNovember 15,2022 at 2:58PM UTC

    I got a new job. I left that job after 5 years, my boss changed my last year there. It took me a while to find the right role but I ultimately left and it eas the best thing I could’ve done. I have a way higher salary, a boss that respects my time and listens to my ideas. Plus I’m not overworked and I get to spend more time with my family.

21. Paula BrantnerNovember 15,2022 at 4:15PM UTC

    In most situations, there is no fixing the toxic boss. So the question is whether there is anything to be done internally, or whether leaving is the only solution. Hopefully you know by now whether: 1) HR is aware of the problem and still does nothing; 2) other people have tried to address this person's behavior and it hasn't changed; or 3) whether you have codes of conduct that would address the specific things the boss does that are enforced. If none of those three things have made a difference, then it is unlikely anything you do will either. They have been put in charge of people despite their behavior, and others are unlikely to admit their mistake doing so while rocking the boat at the same time.In terms of getting out, don't delay in hopes it will get better or you will learn to tolerate the abuse. Work toxicity has been demonstrated to be as harmful as domestic violence in terms of triggering PTSD, and if you wait too long, you'll be in no place to find another job with the confidence you need to be successful. Perhaps if the employer sees morale and productivity plummeting and high turnover among those who work in proximity to this person, they'll wise up. But don't assume that you'll be the one who helps them see the light, because the chances of that are low, especially before you experience lasting harm.

22. AnonymousNovember 15,2022 at 8:25PM UTC

    I stayed as long as I could and when I realized things weren't going to change and I couldn't live with the stress, then I left. I personally don't think toxic bosses change, HR and leadership usually do nothing, even when you bring it to their attention.

23. AnonymousNovember 15,2022 at 8:30PM UTC

    The first time I had one I waited him out. A few bosses later, we got another toxic boss. I left and was quickly followed by two more. Hmm, her bosses gave her the assignment to work from home in a different capacity. I have no regrets.

24. Meghan BNovember 15,2022 at 11:58PM UTC

    I've had many over the years. My most recent one, I talked to the VP over him to get the lay of the land and found out that he was generally unliked and not considered an effective leader and the VP was essentially building a case to get rid of him. I still had to deal with him for a few months while they built the case but once I found out how things were heading, I could relax a little and do my job and not worry too much. My VP also gave me some direct assignments and responsibilities and told my boss to leave me alone to focus on those so I was out of the line of fire while all of this played out.

    One or two other times, I got enough round-about feedback to realize that the boss was on their way out and just put my head down and waited them out.

    The other times, it was clear that the toxic boss had the job because either they knew someone and were protected or they'd snowed the higher ups to think they were all that, and nothing was going to change. In those cases, I just put my resume out, got a better offer and peaced out.

    There was one particular incredibly toxic boss early in my career who was verbally abusive, undermined me and had so totally destroyed my self esteem that I honestly thought I was a horrible employee and deserved everything he threw at me. In desperation I contacted someone I had previously worked for to see if she had any openings because I was so miserable. She didn't but she gave me such a fantastic pep talk - she said if she had an opening even if it wasn't in my skillset she would hire me because she knew the quality of my work and how fast I learned things - and she convinced me to risk going into contracting as a single mother to get out of that toxic environment. I was offered a permanent position at my first contract and stayed there over 10 years - only leaving because I changed careers.

    So there's lots of ways to handle it, depending on the specifics of what's going on, what kind of support you have, if there's light at the end of the tunnel where you're at for whatever reason or not. But if you're good at what you do, and have a good work ethic and history, there is ALWAYS the option to get out there and get a better offer and leave the toxic boss wallowing in their toxic swamp. I highly recommend it.

25. AnonymousNovember 16,2022 at 3:35AM UTC

    He taught me something, I would never treat anyone the way he did others and I would never allow another leader to treat me that way.

    My bosses have to earn my respect and I'm aware that because someone is in a leadership position doesn't make them a leader or right. Through him, I got the courage to repectfully challenge him and other leaders that I've worked for. It's allowed me to gain so much respect that my bosses love me.

    P.S. Leadership is subjective and oftentimes they're trying to figure things out as they go along especially if they don't have leadership training.

26. T WNovember 16,2022 at 2:16PM UTC

    I had two toxic bosses back to back. The first boss, a manager, had overlooked me for promotions 3x, despite my numbers outperforming those who were senior to me and had been with the department for 5+years. Every month I exhausted myself, mentally & emotionally, as I referenced numbers and projects that I had successfully completed and volunteered for - my manager called me "entitled" and "emotional", while simultaneously bragging about the newest hires numbers, a guy, who was besties with my managers daughter smh. I immediately applied for several jobs. I got 4 interviews, and accepted the first job offer (huge mistake on my part) at a 10% pay increase. This situation was like jumping from the frying pan to the fire. My new supervisor, a woman, has to be one of the most difficult supervisors I have ever worked for. My first week on the job, I had several questions, and my supervisor had touted herself as the guru of our field (healthcare) and that I should bring all my questions to her. Well, apparently my supervisor does not take redundancy well, because whenever I would ask a question (that was similar to something she had previously stated), her response to me was "As I previously stated.." the condescending, and passive aggressive attitude that I encountered whenever I would ask questions (as a new hire) was incredibly demoralizing and undermining. And when I tried to have a conversation about it she became defensive and assumed that I was being "disrespectful" because I told her I didn't feel supported. Thankfully, her last day is tomorrow so I will never have to work with her again.

27. AnonymousNovember 16,2022 at 6:06PM UTC

    I've been in a similar situation. I put up with it for 5 years, and finally left. I was experiencing anxiety and health issues because of her, and I never understood it. I was her top producer.

    Anyway, my new job is wonderful! It's refreshing to have a manager that appreciates my work ethic. By the way, I just found out that old manager was let go! Something I've learned is I will NEVER be mistreated again. I will walk away as soon as there is any indication of a toxic boss.

28. AnonymousNovember 16,2022 at 6:46PM UTC

    To be honest I'm not great at dealing with toxic individuals. What I've found is I try to do my work and help the team to the best of my ability. Once it gets to the point I can no longer do my job constructively I prepare my exit plan then leave. No job is worth messing up your mental and physical health for.

29. AnonymousNovember 16,2022 at 8:22PM UTC

    Yes, I left. Even after contacting HR, nothing was done, then I was put on a PIP. The PIP was solely to win business from one customer that would never buy our software because they had no need for it.

    This manager was condescending during our 1:1 calls, asking me left-field questions that no one could answer. I always dreaded them. Somehow, he always found a way to demean me to the point of trying to make me cry.

    Needless to say, even after getting a meeting, I was still terminated. Luckily, I had some other irons in the fire and was able to accept a new position within a week. Once the PIP was put in place, I knew my days were coming to an end no matter if my numbers were higher than anyone else on the team.

    I started interviewing immediately, while still trying to attain the goal set before me. I was setup for failure, so I knew I had to move forward by accepting another position elsewhere.

30. RenataNovember 17,2022 at 9:19AM UTC

    I left the organization. The new Md started and within a space of roughly three months, there was a mass exodus of staff. Many of us who left were relatively new appointees with less than two years at the company. This man began making my life so unbearable first by offering me a position I was very clearly unqualified to fill. He then appeared tobe personally offended when I declined the offer citing that it was against company policy to hold a (senior) position sans a qualification to do so. That seemed to have sealed my fate and he became increasingly belligerent and antagonistic toward me. Within a month of this behavior starting, I suggested to HR that we discuss my exit strategy. he attempted to bate me into retaliatory behavior which I managed to avoid. His constant goading of me eventually made him appear to be the bully. I had one condition that I was willing to exit on and that was that he cease and desist all derogatory, inflammatory, and discriminatory remarks about me and I would leave quietly. Basically, my condition was I will leave quietly if he remains quiet. If he continues to make noise about me I would escalate the matter outside the company (Our Labour Structures) and the company would be forced to distance themselves from him while any investigations happen. I left within 6 weeks of him being appointed and the company was forced to pay me the equivalent of 6mnths salary on my nett package.

31. AnonymousNovember 19,2022 at 5:25PM UTC

    Yes, and I elected to find a better organization. You see I am working on my Doc (I never thought I would get this far, so I'm celebrating myself and my accomplishment) my boss wasn't a supporter of women going beyond his grasp of education, so he became a "No" man who mansplained everything to me. Which I found odd, because with 26 years of experience under my belt and several white papers published...I would have thought I knew a pinch of something. Fast forward, I went to a therapist who like a best friend, laid it all out for me to see. It wasn't me.

    After hitting my two-year mark with the organization: I left. And now have more job offers than I can shake a stick at.

    What I can say: there will always be insecurity and fright, there will always be misogyny, there will always be politics that are geared to play against you.

    You are not a work wife. You are not wrong. You are not being overly sensitive. And no matter what profession you are in, there is always someone who can open a door for you.

    Stay strong! And don't ever let them see you cry or get upset.

    Trust me, everything will reveal itself when the time is right!

32. AnonymousNovember 30,2022 at 1:36AM UTC

    I took my toxic boss down with me after I was fired. It fills me with pride to know that I accomplished that.