Passive Aggressive Teammate -

24 Comments

1. AnonymousAugust 14,2024 at 11:03AM UTC

   I appreciate your advice. I especially appreciate your delivery and tone - thank you. The point you made about the possibility exists that I remind her of someone who she doesn't like occurred to me as well. What I failed to mention was that I am a manager. I don't have any direct reports, but I have a manager title. I only shared my observations and opinion with our leaders after 1) My attempts to resolve our differences between ourselves failed, 2) Her behavior was interfering with our team getting work done, 3) When my teammate, who is the most junior person on the team complained to me about her, 4) the third time the head of the department asked me my opinion about her, and 5) after our manager was insistent that I not hold back on telling her how I truly felt. Trust me, I did not want this to be the outcome. Based upon my experience, I know the signs of an unhappy employee. I know that it's just a matter of time before she quits - unfortunately, I just can't predict how much longer I have to put up with her. Thanks again.

2. GirlBossanova934974August 15,2024 at 1:31PM UTC

   I'm in my early 60s and I have run into people like this in the last decade or two. I just don't have time for all this drama. Who's right, who's wrong, who said this, and who didn't say that. Since you work in a location which is probably hundreds of miles if not thousands of miles from this other employee, I would suggest you do everything to avoid any sort of contact with this person and leave it at that. If you are saying she is doing all of this to piss you off, she is doing a very fine job. I would pull the plug and go out about my business and devote my working hours to far more productive pursuits.

3. AnonymousAugust 17,2024 at 2:48PM UTC

   Bingo.

4. AnonymousAugust 15,2024 at 2:29PM UTC

   Others have said it well. I think you have done all you have. Please continue to take the high road and shut down drama when it rears its head (like others have suggested). Be thankful that a plane ride distances you from having to deal with her face-to-face daily.

5. AnonymousAugust 15,2024 at 4:23PM UTC

   Wow, that's unfortunate for her that she seems so angry. It takes a lot of energy to hang onto ill feelings. I would do as another responder mentioned and ask the employee why she would make such an unkind remark.

   Even further, when you are leading a meeting and sharing perspectives, put her on the spot before anyone else shares and ask HER to provide her ideas/input. You will soon see if she's got any skills and that becomes a performance issue if she cannot deliver.

6. AnonymousAugust 15,2024 at 4:43PM UTC

   Breathe, she is clearly professionally jealous of you. I would have one more conversation with her if you can over a brief coffee. Let her know you advocated for her in the hiring process and still believe in her ability to be a high performer but her behavior toward you simply does not work for strong collaboration. Let her know you have been asked to provide 360 feedback to HR and leadership about her performance and hope that you can find a solution to how to communicate professionally and in a similar fashion to the way she treats others because it has been brought to the attention of highers up that she is snippy and unresponsive to you and it shows. Ask if there is an issue, and if there is not that you expect the same respect she shows others and will not tolerate anything less. Be firm. If it does not change, then unemotionally start to document each situation and her reaction. When sending emails track the response rate and timing especially if it affects a greater deadline or your work product. Let her also know that either publicly or privately you could be available to mentor her in anything she wants to learn. Good luck.

7. maria roseAugust 15,2024 at 5:20PM UTC

   You have done nothing wrong professionally in your interactions, however minimal, with this employee, who from all the descriptions is showing the world, not just you, all the worst tendencies used to describe a person of that age group which I am guessing is GEN Z. Just maintain ( with a lot of deep breaths) a professional approach response to this individual, who has such a narcissistic viewpoint, that they can’t possibly understand what they are doing to sabotage their own career. They must have shown a high skill level for you to have encouraged the company to hire this person, but that skill set doesn’t cover all the other job skills needed to be a successful team member and probably subconsciously, this person realizes that fact and your presence amplifies that fact. As the old adage goes—you can bring a horse to water, but you can’t make them drink. You got this person hired by your company but their job performance is on their shoulders not yours and they can’t blame you for their own actions.

8. Zetella1!August 16,2024 at 12:21PM UTC

   That's really tough. With an attitude like that sooner or later she will hang herself. Your instincts to give her a chance were probably correct, unfortunately she went another direction. Those perceived skills would be valuable if she were coming from another, positive direction. I'd say wait it out a while and avoid studiously avoid interacting with her - don't take the bait - no matter what she does. It will drive her crazy, lol

9. Balanced165836August 16,2024 at 12:31PM UTC

   Just keep giving her enough rope to hang herself. Passive aggressive behavior is the worst.

10. AnonymousAugust 16,2024 at 12:41PM UTC

    This is the best advice - she really will hang herself. Treat her as if she is just "not there" until she is courteous and speaks to you and treats you like an adult. She makes a passive-aggressive comment in a meeting? Totally ignore her. She "hounds" you for an answer through email - ignore it until you are "ready" to respond. She will hang herself. Act like and prove to her you are her superior.

11. AnonymousAugust 17,2024 at 2:47PM UTC

    Yes, this is it exactly. Just ignore her, go around her, get what you need from someone else. Pretend like she’s not in the room.

12. StellaAugust 16,2024 at 12:55PM UTC

    Sounds like she is really getting to you and is enjoying your reaction. As hard as it is you have got to minimize her in your mind if the company is allowing this to happen. If you continue to come off professional and her behavior has been noted by management then she will stall her career. Shame on your company for not addressing.

13. Daisy KonterAugust 16,2024 at 1:12PM UTC

    One of things I do to get answers in a timely fashion is CC the direct supervisor, that way, there’s transparency and it also protects you from putting the blame on you if things do not get done in time.

14. Heather McAugust 16,2024 at 2:01PM UTC

    In this situation, there's no winning. CC'ing the direct supervisor after the first attempt is probably the best course of action (be sure to cc the supervisor on the 2nd attempt by communicating within the same email thread - does that make sense?).

    I remember my first professional job was around her age, and I worked with a woman who was in her 50s. I think she thought she was helping me, but at times, she did come across as condescending. Now that I'm 50, I can see how I may come across that way in tone sometimes, because I have a lot of work experience. I am only suggesting this because we all have blind spots, myself included.

    BUT if she's an a-hole in front of people towards you, the canned response should be "Are you okay? Do we need to talk?" It will fluster her. Mending fences is probably not in your future with this one.

    And re: cc'ing the direct supervisor - yes, do this, but only on the first follow up email. Give her a chance to respond to your first request of course, but if she doesn't, then be sure to follow up and cc that supervisor on the full email thread.

15. LA+30yrsAugust 16,2024 at 2:57PM UTC

    Great advice. Especially concerning the blind spot. We ALL have those.

16. AnonymousAugust 16,2024 at 6:43PM UTC

    The op guessed the coworker is in her late 20s. I’m in my 40s and coworkers think I’m a lot younger. Having a coworker in mid 50s who probably doesn’t realize how she comes off assuming as she assumes I’m younger. I get it. Her story is one sided. The other person is not perfect of course but, it seems like she’s trying to force a friendship on some level. She needs to be okay with the fact that this person doesn’t like her. Work friendships are not a given.

17. WandaAugust 19,2024 at 1:04PM UTC

    I certainly agree with what you said that work friendships are not a given. It's fine to be okay with the fact that some people in our work environment may not "get" us. We can still work together in civility and then go our separate ways at the end of the day.

18. AnonymousAugust 19,2024 at 2:17PM UTC

    Yes we can still work together with civility and from the op’s one sided story I cannot tell if the worker is truly at fault. It reminds me of encounters I had as the younger person in this situation. Usually people just don’t like another person for no reason. I maybe speculating based on what trends I’ve heard but if the op, in conversation said something that offended this person, it could affect their approach in getting along with the op. In workplaces sometimes people express offensive opinions on politics, religion, race, lgbtq community in a casual way, not knowing if t

    its offensive in anyway to the other person’s situation. Only speculation but, the op’s story is one sided… and I’m really only basing this on a story I heard about a teen who left a position after comments that offensive coworker who was blindsided about how offensive she was being. She moved on to something else because her situation allowed it. This isn’t always the case and people stay in situations with unfavorable coworkers due to financial needs a lot of times.

19. AnonymousAugust 16,2024 at 6:36PM UTC

    What I'm reading here is you have a very aggressive coworker. Next time she is aggressive towards you in person, tell her, you know, I think this may be best discussed with HR and our manager. Talk with your manager and give them an opportunity to fix it. In this meeting let them know you are trying not to escalate this to HR, but this is affecting your productivity and mental health. And though you were all for this person joining the team in the beginning, you are very disappointed how ineffective they are. It is not your job to teach them. But if you have to "learn" someone, get HR to teach them. If I were your manager, I'd have her in my office in a skinny minute with HR. I'd ask you to give me all the emails/exchanges and write up a report of sorts. Then take it to HR for guidance and then they would counsel the young talent and put them on a PIP. If your manager is not going to support you, skip that person and go straight to HR. When in meetings if your manager is in the team meetings, it is their responsibility to align the group and interject that all have opinions and are allowed to make suggestions. The manager should be better at managing this issue in the meeting. I see it everyday and those who are nasty are typically called out in a way that our manager says, well, let's give everyone a chance to make suggestions.

    Forward all nasty emails from the colleague to your personal email. Print them off site, at FedEx or somewhere you can do it without being at work. Then take this to HR. If they do not handle it, get an employment attorney. It's a pain having to deal with absolute imbeciles at work. While you are doing all this, get your resume sharpened and seek elsewhere. Every place has a bad apple. I'm in my 50's and have worked in a lot of places with a lot of personalities. Every single company has a jerk. They are everywhere. You are not alone. I had a lady older than me that was so aggressive with me, I dodged her. But over time, she saw what a good worker I was but she also had anxiety issues and finally retired. She truly is a nice person but she doesn't play well in the sandbox. If your colleague is what I call early talent, she will learn early that behavior plays a huge role in their success. If she continues, she will leave a trail of dirt that her next employers will discover. Stay strong and take the steps: manager, HR, and include the CHRO if you must, and an attorney to consult just in case. Keep us posted!

20. AnonymousAugust 17,2024 at 7:23AM UTC

    I try to understand your situation because you have this problem and I see how much it bothers you. But I cannot ignore the fact that there must be something of your contribution to this whole situation. When you say that there is age-difference and hierarchical difference between you two, I guess that this girl gets very insecure and afraid around you. There is the power imbalance: you can talk to higher ups any time and you can make that she loses her job, right? Well, this is very intimidating. You say, she hates your guts, think about for a while what "having guts" mean for you and how it may come across. Are you willing to take risks, speaking candidly, telling people what to do, how to do it, getting angry when not receiving an immediate response, feeling like a victim when being ignored by her? I don't know, you know it best.

    And yes, she is acting very passive aggressive, that's true. I guess, she believes that's unsafe to talk to you. I am not even sure if she's is jealous (and I don't know if that matters): maybe she just thinks that it's very difficult to work with you in the first place.

    I understand her position because as an employee I was in the same position (and unfortunately I began to behave the way she does). In my case the passive aggressive behaviour began when my boss began to micromanage and scapegoat me. That was a terrible experience. Due to power imbalance between us I wasn't allowed to tell my opinion. Any comment of mine would offend him. It was like walking on egg-shells around him and not being able to be myself.

    Your feelings and reaction to your colleagues behaviour reminds me of his reaction: he was projecting a lot of negativity onto me and at the end he wasn't able to see anything positive about me. This destroyed my self-esteem and made me even more silent.

    Since you are already in this dynamic I am not sure if there is a way out of this but by working on your attitude. Try to talk to a counselor or a colleague who you trust who knows you both. Try to understand more how your behaviour impacts other people. Try to understand how power imbalance at workplace doesn't allow people to be themselves. Hope this helps. Good luck!

21. AnonymousAugust 17,2024 at 2:45PM UTC

    I actually came here to see how many comments ‘blamed the victim’ and I didn’t have to get far.

    This woman is going out of her way to be professional to this younger person who clearly is intimidated. There’s not much you can do. Just rise above and ignore her. Go around her and if there’s something you need from her, try to get it from someone else.

22. Lynn Slater MillerAugust 17,2024 at 2:45PM UTC

    After reading your post and the responses, boy, there's a whole boatload of pop-psychological analysis of a person known by no one on this page-except maybe you. Even then, your post suggests you're making a lot of guesses about what her (and your) problem is.

    Assuming you "know" how another person is feeling, their motivations and reasons for their response to you is always a mistake and 98% of the time one gets it wrong, or at least partially.

    Why not take an assertive (NOT aggressive) approach and invite her to a one-on-one, casual conversation stating that you'd like to find a way to have a more cordial and effective working relationship?

    If she's willing, start by stating the facts (ONLY facts)-from YOUR perspective-regarding your uneasy relationship. Example- "When I email you with some work-related matter, a response from you takes longer than from others on our team, or doesn't seem to come at all."

    Then, state how those facts affect you and your ability to do your job. Example-"When I didn't hear from you about X (client, task, etc.) I had to address the situation by doing Y, which turned out not to be the best approach (or whatever.)

    After that, state how you need the situation to change. Example-"When I email coworkers, I need a response within X amount of time so I can finish this project/task in a timely manner."

    It's a simple but effective conflict resolution strategy.

    1. State the facts as YOU experience them.
    2. State how those facts affect YOU.
    3. State how YOU need these facts to change.

    None of this involves her feelings, attitudes, her past work history or recruitment, or how anyone else feels/responds to her. It's about what YOU need to do your job in a professional manner. Speak using "I..." statements. It leaves her no place to argue with you.

    If she tries to argue, ask her to simply hear you out. Then ask her to describe what the facts are to HER, how they affect HER ability to do the job, and how SHE envisions changes for the better. Don't argue with her perceptions, even if she's way off base.

    Then try something like "Ok, it's clear we see this differently. Can we find some areas of overlap that we can fix together? Ultimately, I'd like to improve our working relationship so we can both move forward in a positive way. "

    Maybe she's not mature enough to learn how to manage work conflicts effectively and professionally. That's not your problem or your responsibility to fix. Your task is to deliver what your superiors ask for and make a positive contribution to the organization (hers too.)

    Effectively handling workplace conflict is done by focusing non-judgmentally on needs and facts, not how anyone feels.

23. AnonymousAugust 18,2024 at 1:20AM UTC

    Continue to do as you’ve been doing: taking the high road. You’ve done as much as you could within your power to form a connection with her. But if she’s acting indifferently towards you or playing mind games, then that’s on her. Either she will come around and change her ways or she won’t. But it shouldn’t be your primary concern right now Your main concern is to continue to be the consummate professional that you are by not addressing or simply overlooking her aggressive antics.

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