May is mental health month!

Anonymous

May 25,2022 at 1:39PM UTC

Welcome to Fairygodboss!

We’re the largest online career community helping women achieve their career goals. Gain access to articles, jobs, events, and a supportive network of women and allies. Membership is free, always.

May is mental health month! I was meeting with my manager yesterday and she told me that she felt that I don't speak up enough in certain meetings. Well, 90% of the time I've already discussed the subject with that individual(s) before this meeting. I stated that and explain that during our meeting yesterday I was only giving short answers due to the extreme amount of noise from outside and stayed muted to block the noise out. She then says to me "you seem like you always have something going on, like your video isn't working, you always have an EXCUSE for everything." I explain to her that she knows that I have a bad work laptop and have been waiting on a new one since Oct. 2021. What I share with her are truthful experiences. I then told her that moving forward I will not share anything since it seems like it is an excuse. She then says, "well we all have our problems and at some point you need to know how to deal with them. Maybe close your window, shut a door. I'm just saying." I was blown away. So I guess I should have my house sound-proofed. How do you deal with someone like this? She has been riding me ever since I joined her team. I've been at the company for almost 10yrs and every performance review has been outstanding and above. At this point I started looking for a new role outside the company because I can't move within for at least another 5mos. Help! Calgon take me away!!!

Why women love us:

Daily articles on career topics
Jobs at companies dedicated to hiring more women
Advice and support from an authentic community
Events that help you level up in your career
Free membership, always

9 comments

Share your insight

Join an authentic community that helps women support each other at work. Share your professional experience or ask for advice — you can even post anonymously.

9 Comments

Join the conversation

AnonymousMay 25,2022 at 1:48PM UTC
Go ahead and unmute & turn on the video. Let everybody see for themselves that you have a crappy laptop.
As for the noise, yes, do something about that. You have a laptop. You can move to a different place. If you are stuck in a mindset of nothing you do can be changed, that will give a bad impression. One of the expectations for WFH is that the H will be conducive to W, and that the worker will do their best to accomplish that.
AnonymousMay 25,2022 at 1:55PM UTC
You can do as much as you can on the computer you have. Your boss should understand that and not be so hard on you. Only thing I suggest you do is take it day by day and don't let her stress you out. Be the best in all you do.
Kristie WhiteMay 25,2022 at 2:33PM UTC
So I'm confused by the exchange that your manager wants you to speak up more in meetings and you say 90% of the time you discuss the subject outside of the meeting. This is a red flag for me. Meetings are meant to inform and discuss. If you are having discussions outside of set meetings, then you are not informing the rest of the team and you are working in an isolated fashion. Even if progress is made by doing it one-on-one, you should report in the meeting about the discussion and results so you "inform." You are cutting your manager out of the loop and that is pissing her off. She can't hear the reasoning or decision making process, there is no way for her to coordinate the results with other areas where you are not involved, and you haven't given her the respect of keeping her informed. So you need to fix that.
As for the noise issues, if you aren't using your video because of quality, you can work in a closet to isolate the noise or purchase noise cancelling headphones from Bose or unmute yourself to make a comment now and then so everyone knows you aren't sleeping during the meeting but participating. To me, it does sound like you are avoiding engagement as a team member.
AnonymousMay 25,2022 at 4:11PM UTC
My manager is not out of the loop for one. The other meetings are 1:1 meetings that I was instructed to have when I joined her team. She's given a recap on during our team meetings on Monday morning as well as my 1:1 with her the next day. So she's not left out of anything. The meeting that she feels I didn't speak up in has the same group of people we met with the previous day with only one extra person who half attends all the meetings. I don't need to make excuses not to engage with anyone. I enjoy my team and the others I work with. She has the same issues with video and noise and will use foul language during team meetings when these things don't work. As for your comment about working in a closet -- NEGATIVE. I'm not the only team member who is also having these issues.
Alison PlumeyMay 25,2022 at 3:49PM UTC
First: Take a deep breath and count 5-4-3-2-1, and say I will solve these problems and tackle them one by one.
Done.
Your Manager should be aware that when an employee is experiencing lots of difficulties, he needs to make a work plan, to fix it based on company operational policies and capabilities. So, since that is not happening.
You will change your strategy: (Remember your boss is not your Dad or your mom its a mediator for your company administration) (So, instead of complaining your will be using your asking politely tone and tell them what you need to work properly)
1) Find out what you really need. Weather is :
a) Noise Cancelling Headsets such as PXC 550
b) Newer computer
c) Income for a better internet service
d) If you don't really know, your company has an IT department that can help, submit or ask your boss to submit a help tech desk a request to review your equipment every employee is entitled to at least to one as much as needed. Because the company depends on your performance.
2)Send an email to your boss, every time you have a discussion about a problem. Because this might also help her minimize the time and/or tackle other problems in those meetings. It should not really be a red flag, these meetings are for discussion of priority problems, and your Boss should know them on hand and be the one who asks the right questions about them. Every employee is different, and communication-wise there are very smart people who have very much different ways to deal with situations. It's a manager's job, to find out what are those trends, to know their employees, and to do their best to help them perform better. I believe your manager does need to be a better person, she should definitely not be expressing herself like that is very unprofessional, and no one should be offended.
3) Be realistic, one you need to change your tone. Instead of complaining, or repeating what your manager already know and did not pay attention to it. Find a different way to calm down the situation, email communication, and/or ask what she recommends you should do next time. And then you do. If she continues "riding you" or treating you like that I suggest that you send an email to Human Resources asking your situation to be addressed or better yet, find out if there is another job position you can take. IF not, It does need to be addressed. Last Thing, all supervisors have to be evaluated too. So, you should be kind, but explain things that she could improve. Kind Regards, someone who has been in your shoes before.
JJMay 25,2022 at 6:53PM UTC
Sometimes people are just jerks and it is not about you, even though it may deeply impact or hurt you. Literally every zoom meeting for 2 years has had a tech fail so if she cannot ignore it or laugh it off, it is on her. Now if you speak up, stay or leave is a tough decision but I have never experienced a bad, mean-girl manager suddenly become nice, calm and supportive. She showed her true colors.
AnonymousMay 26,2022 at 2:56PM UTC
One of my former Managers always responded that he didn't want to hear excuses, just solutions. I was mindful of this and it helped me overcome obstacles in a better way. I too needed to speak more in meetings. I would consistently prepare a list of bullet points and review them in meetings, which helped. If I were in your shoes, I would reach out to IT for advice about your laptop issue and inform your boss of the solutions you used to overcome these obstacles. If you show her you resolved these issues she will probably back off. Maybe she's just getting pressure from her management. If it doesn't improve, consider meeting with her to discuss both of your concerns. Good luck with everything. Being happy at work is so important. I hope you can work this out or move on quickly if it becomes too unbearable.
AnonymousMay 27,2022 at 2:27PM UTC
We may have the same boss! Mine said, "something is always happening to you." LOL I fell and broke my hand. I took three hours off to have my hand x-rayed and a soft cast put on. Many months later I fell out of bed (I know, but it was the one and only time) and broke a rib. I was already scheduled off for the day that happened so I did not need any time off. These two things amounted to "always" to her. The real problem is that she does not like me so she picks at every little thing she can. I am not upset by this as I really don't like her either. Sometimes it is just like that. My goal is to find a new job working for someone I do like and thus won't have to listen to the petty stuff.
AnonymousMay 27,2022 at 7:58PM UTC
I totally feel you!!