Trying to find the right balance as a leader.

27 Comments

1. AnonymousMarch 22,2024 at 12:49PM UTC

   I have had bosses from both ends of the spectrum - from very engaging and personal to uncommunicative and distant.
   It sounds like you are in the middle which is not a bad place to be at all. It's not necessary to have in depth personal conversations with people who report to you. It is important however to check in with them once in a while in a friendly way to see how they are. And if they've revealed any personal information be sure to ask about it without asking for details. It is also a good idea to let them know just a little about yourself personally. Yes, this allows you to connect with them on a personal, empathetic level. As for being perceived as cold this might change that. And I would strive to change that aspect as it could improve your team's response to you. The only boss I had that was very distant made me afraid of mistakes and hesitant to offer suggestions or new ideas. You want to avoid that. It sounds like you have a very high EQ so you can reach the balance you are looking for. The fact that you are considering this tells me you have an open mind about your own work style, which is so important. Good luck in your journey.

2. Paulla Fetzek, MSEdMarch 22,2024 at 12:57PM UTC

   You need to find whatever style works best for you and that's what you adopt. There is no "one way" to be a great leader or manager. Some people don't want anything personal in their work environment, others are nearly like family.

   The company I work for is the latter for the most part. Elite Management (CEO, VP, Operations) aren't chummy with each other or the rest of us. Senior management (Office, Accounting, HR) are in-between. The rest of us range from extremely close to very close.

   Yes, it can be difficult to provide negative feedback when you're close with a subordinate - especially if you're concerned with someone's feelings.

   However, I'd argue that it can also make things easier. You know the person better and can communicate on a a closer level.

   It's a balance. You don't have to be their friend. As long as you show them you're understanding, willing to listen, you care, and you're fair, your people should be just fine.

3. AnonymousMarch 22,2024 at 1:13PM UTC

   Relax. Everyone needs to find their way and theirs balance. Analyzing interactions, styles and naming each trait isn't going to help you. At the end of the day, a competent, relaxed and clear leader that isn't constantly anxious, is approachable and smart is everyone's cup of tea. Don't spend time comparing yourself to the former director. It won't get you anywhere. Again try and relax, stay oen and be personable in your own way. I, for one, don't want to be a buddy with my boss.

4. Wanda Corner, PhD, PMPMarch 22,2024 at 1:28PM UTC

   Hello. Has your team ever completed the DISC training by any chance? It is a neutral way of understanding each other's communication styles. It can allow each team leader/member to understand and appreciate differences. For example, if you are a High "D" (dominant), you may be very task-oriented, bottom-line type communication style, and don't like wasting time. If you are a High "S" (steadiness), you may prefer balance, are a great listener, calm but don't like sudden change.Usually, we all have 2 top preferred communication styles. If the whole team takes it (assuming each participant is honest and you have a trained facilitator), then everyone will have an opportunity to understand and appreciate different communication styles, as there is no right/wrong or good/bad preferred communication style.

5. TigaMarch 22,2024 at 1:55PM UTC

   Great suggestion - thank you!

6. AnonymousMarch 22,2024 at 2:57PM UTC

   I do not like supervisors with a personality like yours.

7. AnonymousMarch 22,2024 at 3:47PM UTC

   What personality type do you prefer in a supervisor, and why?

8. AnonymousMarch 22,2024 at 3:00PM UTC

   My current boss is one of the least "warm and fuzzy" people I've ever worked under. She's direct, professional, and one of the most competent supervisors I've ever had. Despite her demeanor, she takes care of her people and I have felt heard and valued from the beginning. She'll be retiring before I do and I'll be extremely sad to see her go.

   Are there people who don't like her, even in our office? Yes. There are people who value style over substance, and you can't do anything about that. She was an internal candidate and the only info I heard before she started was that she could be a b*. And yes, she will let you know in no uncertain terms if she's not happy with what's going on. But I am much happier knowing what needs to change (or be better explained) instead of playing guessing games on what (if anything) is wrong with a boss who won't be direct.

   Play to your strengths, as long as you find a way to make your team feel seen. Raises, long overdue promotions, new career development opportunities will all go a long way to getting everyone on your side.

9. AnonymousMarch 22,2024 at 3:44PM UTC

   Your current boss sounds a lot like me.
   And thanks for the advice!

10. AnonymousMarch 22,2024 at 3:22PM UTC

    Engaging and connecting, even emotionally, with people does not mean you need to get too personal. To me this means taking an active interest in their performance, growth and well-being, and being open, transparent and approachable. This means clear purpose/goals, regular communication and acting with empathy to understand your employees, instead of judging or assuming.

    I agree that DiSC or similar can help you and your team to understand communication styles and motivation. It could be quite helpful to learn the best way to communicate with and lead them. Perhaps this will help with your current judgments on team member's traits.

    I think you need to be very careful with the judgments you make on the traits of your team members as they will impact your working together. Driving open dialog with say, the anxious one, or the contrary one will help you understand what is causing this behavior, and you may find there is a simple fix. Maybe the anxious one is unclear on something or requires positive feedback as well as constructive. Maybe the contrarian doesn't feel heard?

    Summing it up, you don't need to get into personal details to build a good connection with your team, but you should be very careful passing judgement on behaviors without digging into the possible causes.

11. AnonymousMarch 22,2024 at 3:42PM UTC

    I appreciate the feedback.
    I tend to categorize people, which doesn't always help me understand or connect with them. But when they seem to always lead with certain traits, those traits stand out.

12. AnonymousMarch 22,2024 at 5:01PM UTC

    I agree with much of the advice about finding a balance. I'd like to add that, depending on the environment you're in, you may feel that it's receptive to you just naming our style to your team (or said during one on one meetings). It reminds me of the interview question (what's your management /communication style). It could be worth sharing that (and they could share with you/ each other). I once did that with a team and it helped the team understand too.

    Also, HR/MGMT could possibly help with this if they're open to personality tests as part of team dynamic training. So it's less confessional and more "we're learning about each other." The fact that you care to ask shows you care. Good luck.

13. Claire LindsayMarch 22,2024 at 5:28PM UTC

    Is it that you don't want to share details of your own life? If so then just be interested in their and ask questions.

    If you really don't like these types of conversational at all and don't work that way, then tell them - nicely - making sure they know you are always there to support them and listen when they need. i think when people are clear about how they work, that they want to work well with others and accommodate where possible, and that there is always an open door regardless, then i think people are happy.

14. AnonymousMarch 22,2024 at 11:40PM UTC

    I have a disability that is difficult to disclose to supervisors.
    It doesn’t impact my performance but I sometimes need feedback in a certain way.

    I find it very difficult to be vulnerable to the personality type that you are describing. Im curious, how do you create psychological safety with your team members who may perceive your personality type as challenging to disclose to?

    I don’t think you have to be warm and fuzzy, but psychological safety is important.

15. Joan Williams, Senior Talent Acquisition SpecialistMarch 25,2024 at 12:43AM UTC

    Not to get too personal but can I ask what about the OP's posting would make you feel psychologically unsafe.

    For me, one of my biggest concerns about disclosing private medical information would be that it is kept in confidence and not shared with others. The OP seems like she would be exactly the kind of person who would keep my medical information confidential and would not get overly involved in my personal business. Would accept the information that I would be willing to disclose but not ask a lot of questions that could make me feel uncomfortable or feel like she was fishing for information I didn't want to offer.

16. AnonymousMarch 25,2024 at 6:18PM UTC

    Pardon, I dont understand your question. Are you asking why it is hard to disclose sensitive information to someone who isn’t warm, safe and desires no bond with me apart from results?

17. Barb HansenMarch 23,2024 at 3:15AM UTC

    I've never been particularly outgoing or deeply connected with my direct reports. While I'm open, friendly, and genuinely invested in my team members' success, I tend to keep personal details about my life private—most wouldn't know much beyond the fact that I have children.

    As a manager, my approach involves connecting with my team through discussions about their career aspirations and growth opportunities within the company, much like you mentioned.

    However, despite incorporating my personality into my management style—being supportive yet somewhat reserved—one of my key responsibilities is to serve as an effective communicator for my team. This sometimes requires adopting a "manager persona" to drive progress. I believe I picked up this strategy from a management course I took years ago.

    I'd suggest reframing this not as a personal shortcoming, and my apologies if I have framed this issue incorrectly, but instead, consider it an opportunity to enhance your management toolkit with additional strategies.

    Best of luck—you've got this! :)

18. Cathy UdvMarch 24,2024 at 1:00PM UTC

    My boss sounds like you. He does not really discuss personal stuff. He’s not unfriendly. He’s not uncaring, this is him.

    i think he’s a great guy and I know he cares about his employees, he just doesn’t get involved in their personal issues. But I’ve also heard him give very sound adviceto his managers/emplotees when it was warranted.

19. AnonymousMarch 23,2024 at 4:34PM UTC

    I think just be honest about who you are and who you’re not so nobody takes your demeanor personally.

20. Mr. RiceMarch 24,2024 at 1:13PM UTC

    My feedback is, get out of leadership if you aren't willing to do what it takes to embody the key principles of leadership. So many folks just want the title and money but aren't passionate about what you're doing. This is why the turn around is so high

21. AnonymousMarch 24,2024 at 3:52PM UTC

    I completely disagree that the principles of leadership mean being a buddy boss. I do not need my boss to be my buddy. I need him/her to be good at their job, be a trusted advocate and empower the group for success. Friends are for personal time. Bosses are business.

22. Joan Williams, Senior Talent Acquisition SpecialistMarch 24,2024 at 8:43PM UTC

    Since when is being a buddy to those who report to you a "key principle of leadership"?

23. AnonymousMarch 25,2024 at 5:06AM UTC

    I don't see where he said to be a buddy, and you should research and study the key principles of leadership. Female bosses are the worst anyway, so not surprised.

24. Joan Williams, Senior Talent Acquisition SpecialistMarch 25,2024 at 5:16PM UTC

    Being a buddy/not being a buddy to direct reports is literally the subject of this thread.

25. AnonymousMarch 24,2024 at 5:52PM UTC

    As a bit of an introvert myself, I prefer that my boss not ask lots of personal questions when I barely know him or her. Later, we may become friendly, but not everyone is looking for a boss to be a buddy. Plus, as you say, if you act more like a friend than a manager, what will the reaction be when you have to give negative feedback.

    I agree that you should make them feel supported and empowered - and free to talk to you IF they want to. It's ok to tell them about your style.

    You don't say if the 3 friends are causing any disruption or acting like a clic. As long as they aren't, don't worry about it. It's good for your staff to support and help each other. Encourage them to help the 2 new people as well. if they don't, then you may have an issue.

26. Joan Williams, Senior Talent Acquisition SpecialistMarch 24,2024 at 8:42PM UTC

    I don't want my boss to be my buddy. I have friends.

    I want my boss to be a good leader and have my back.

    One thing that I have learned is that many people love to talk about themselves. Ask questions and let them do the talking. It's still a way to build a relationship without you having to disclose your own personal details.

27. AnonymousMarch 25,2024 at 6:16PM UTC

    It’s worth noting that some employeeswill have a preference for leadership style. That doesn’t mean you shouldchange or they should cease to have preferences.