How to prevent to become the scapegoat in a new workplace?

16 Comments

1. AnonymousDecember 26,2024 at 3:57PM UTC

   As you make the best decisions at the time of leaving, I would be so bold to encourage you for personal counseling on how to navigate through this. Your snapshot of foster care, IMO, has set a tone that is disrupting your workplace experience. Please consider counseling, I have seen many successes when we take work place issues (and home) to a professional to talk through how issues affects our reactions and not responses. I think you are stronger than you think you are and just getting that extra partner in support to help you will see it too. You got this.

2. AnonymousDecember 26,2024 at 6:36PM UTC

   Since this is a reoccurring pattern, I would suggest therapy to uncover your patterns of behavior and ways to address and correct them.

   Since you can't change other people, your focus needs to be on you and ways to identify unhealthy situations and reactions of your own. To do this a therapist can help you look at your past and ways its impacting your understanding of the present.

3. AnonymousDecember 27,2024 at 12:25AM UTC

   Therapy is recommended if you are repeating patterns. It needs to end with you. Seek help and know that every company will have conflicts but therapy can help you navigate it.

4. AnonymousDecember 27,2024 at 11:54AM UTC

   Unfortunately these situations don't just keep happening without your involvement. No one just accidently becomes a scapegoat. I would learn how to recognize scenarios that require you advocating for yourself as well as how to build healthy boundaries so you don't find yourself in situations like this. Every workplace has conflict and certain unhealthy dynamics. Not every workplace involves scapegoats.

5. Sacred MythDecember 29,2024 at 2:31PM UTC

   Fascinating to me how many comments are Blaming the scapegoat? Is that really a fair approach? Just because it hasn’t been part of your experience doesn’t mean it isn’t a relatively common and very real thing… subject position, privilege and context matters. People who are not traditionally marginalized in society might not understand how someone in a different identity position can be victimized repeatedly. Instead of placing all the blame on the OP, let’s explore why so many commenters had the instinct to blame, shame and dismiss this very real, harrowing and toxic situation. It’s worth investigating further because I can’t see anything in the OP that warrants it. Is it just the impact of a chronically bullied person whenever they speak it just attracts more of the same? Can’t you see how she “accidentally” became a scapegoat right here in this comment thread on her own post? Can you see how you may have accidentally participated in that dynamic by downplaying and insinuating it’s unrelatable? People come here for help when they have nowhere else to turn. Let’s shift the tone and find more helpful subtext than: “you’re probably crazy, it’s your pattern, get therapy, this doesn’t happen to real people in real life.”

6. AnonymousDecember 29,2024 at 5:38PM UTC

   "Accidentally " finding yourself a scapegoat is something to seriously question. I agree that therapy is a wise suggestion. The very issue of identifying the pattern as being a scapegoat is not healthy. To say is is happening in several areas of her life needs more than subtext.

7. AnonymousDecember 29,2024 at 7:15PM UTC

   I didn't see much "blaming" but sincere concern for the "scapegoat." Most suggested therapy to help them process their problems and potential ways to cope with or react to situations as they arise. I understand the marginalized walking around with targets on their backs, but that only makes the need for an understanding and unbiased ear that they can use more important. It is a much bigger issue than can be handled through a couple of suggestions on a blog thread.

8. AnonymousDecember 27,2024 at 1:37PM UTC

   I will make it unanimous in suggesting you find a good therapist. As one other put it, the only person's behavior you can control is yourself, and the same goes for feelings and reactions. As you start a new job, start with their EAP (if they have one). If they don't have an EAP, look in your group insurance provider directory.

9. GirlBossanova934974December 27,2024 at 1:47PM UTC

   The very first thing I would do is GET RID of all the fancy words and expressions. Those words are places to hide and paint your fate as being controlled by others. Ergo, the words scapegoat and toxic need to go ASAP! That being said, you have a new job. You are learning your new job! You had some things you needed to learn. SO HOW HAVE YOU DONE in learning those new skills? Are you learning? Picking up the pace? Depending less and less on coworkers etc etc? WHAT PROGRESS HAVE YOU MADE? When do you anticipate on being fully up to speed? Let's keep it tangible!

10. AnonymousDecember 27,2024 at 2:00PM UTC

    I have also had this issue, both at home and at work, and I agree that setting boundaries with people and being very cautious about how you talk about yourself is important. Check out the “Wizard of Words” YouTube channel from Dan O’Connor as well as his website and books. I also like the book “Mean Girls at Work” by Crowley and Elster and Jennifer Brick’s YouTube channel on workplace issues as well as her website. The YouTube channel “Life after Layoff” and the books “Boundaries: Where to Draw the Line” by Anne Katherine and “Boundary Boss” by Terri Cole are also very helpful.

11. AnonymousDecember 28,2024 at 2:23PM UTC

    You should never go into a situation talking about your weaknesses; there is no need to give anyone ammo to use against you, and unfortunately there are those that will. If you speak of yourself negatively you open the door for others to feel comfortable doing so. By all means feel free to ask for additional training in areas where you feel you need it, but it should not be “I find this to hard…” or “I’m not very good at this…”. It should be “Additional training on X would be beneficial to my contribution to the organization. Are there corporate trainers who can help or could I find a course/workshop to take? This makes you seem professional and proactive, talking about your “weaknesses” does not.

12. Sacred MythDecember 29,2024 at 3:44AM UTC

    It’s not just all in your head - saying someone needs therapy is kind of dismissive - meanwhile this is in fact- a rather common workplace dynamic that happens to neurodiverse people… and people with disabilities or unusually high intelligence. I’m observing how many people are assuming it’s all coming from your end. Funny how you’re calling out scapegoating and simultaneously getting blamed for it here. It is interesting to notice how that dynamic played out… the OP admitting accountability and a real grasp of the problem gets blamed, as if by calling out the problem they are somehow causing it… which is clearly unfair… and even though we are supposed to be here for each other most commenters took the side of unseen unknown bullying toxic colleagues blindly, which is a form of scapegoating is it not?. Scapegoating is a pattern that emerges when you take on too much. Incompetent, dismissive or lazy people will give you more than you should be expected to handle and not empower you and when you inevitably fall short - they blame you. It’s a great strategy if you find someone threatening and are hoping to bring them down. Secondly, if you do more work then it is statistically more likely that you’ll make more mistakes than others just based on the sheer volume of output. Lastly, people do look for scapegoats when they know they’ve only got so much time left and the writing is on the wall- hiring highly intelligent, and neurodiverse people, preferably naive, to work really hard and take all the blame is an easy psychological out for narcissistic types- an increasingly rampant social phenomenon. Lots of praise in the beginning is part of this strategy - building you up to be Jesus from on high here to save them all. Of course you will fall short of this high praise and expectation - sometimes that is the plan all along, sometimes it just occurs to them as they go along how easy it would be to throw you under the bus and get you to do all the work… like Cinderella it’s never good enough and it’s all always your fault. It could happen again and changing your natural inclination to be accountable and to help everyone can be extremely hard to change- it’s a core fundamental value. Try and find people who are on your wavelength, and don’t try to hold themselves above you- sure therapy can probably help with that too- but don’t let anyone tell you it’s all on you or its all in your head… it’s on them too. They could have been kinder, more patient, or operated in better faith. Try not to take any blame you didn’t earn or allow them to make you feel like they are somehow above you, and be very careful what you promise or offer to do for anyone as a favour. A fairy tale metaphor comes to mind: One minute they will knock at the old wise good witch’s door for medicine and for help with a spell and the next day they will be holding up pitchforks- and chasing her out of town… try not to help any such villagers because they always inevitably turn on you - save your magic and bright light for yourself and those who deserve it.

13. AnonymousDecember 29,2024 at 5:00PM UTC

    I'm not the OP, but this is all good advice! I have learned to set boundaries too. It's not about being unable to handle stress it's about putting your own gas mask first and avoiding unnecessary stress.

    For instance, I don't mind helping someone carry something heavy down the hall or help them with a task that they are already doing, but if someone asks me to take on an entire task, I think before I say yes. Especially if it's a task I have never done before.
    And if someone asks me to come in on my day off to cover for them, the answer is always no. I say it with respect, but I still say no. We get 30 paid vacation days and they allow us to call off if something is wrong. In a way saying no is helping them because it teaches those who have not already learned that you can't go to every "fun thing" that you want to go to.
    That said, if my boss asks or tells me to do an extra task, then of course I say yes but ask for help if needed. However setting boundaries helps me save my energy for my own tasking and my hard-earned free time.

14. AnonymousDecember 29,2024 at 10:45PM UTC

    Absolutely. This. All day.

15. Cheryl AndersonDecember 30,2024 at 4:05PM UTC

    If you commonly experience this type of issue, it may not be the environments as much as it is you. You need to consider how to be "you" without being a victim. You currently own that victim persona.

16. AnonymousJanuary 1,2025 at 6:01PM UTC

    If you're recognizing a pattern, it's time to grow.

    I recommend making use of work benefits (e.g. EAG/ therapists, life coaching, professional development that has an element of self awareness coaching) - work with an expert to help as you navigate.

    It's okay to ask for help (just watch out for environments that are competitive or don't want to help). I'm not sure what you mean about "the scapegoating would start." Either, they're unhappy with your work or they're blaming you for something that isn't working (which is either your responsibility or not). In either case, find a way not to take too much to heart. Keep learning and growing. And seek environments where you're supported. Good luck!

    The past can be a teacher.