How do I fix my "tone?"

70 Comments

1. AnonymousMay 23,2022 at 10:39PM UTC

   Hi,

   From what I read, it sounds as if your issue isn't in communicating. As you said, you have tons of experience and education communicating in various ways. I think the problem could be (based on my own observations of others in your situation) that people simply don't like it when you tell them you disagree straight forward. Sadly, even for clarity's sake some people get upset. Sometimes even others outside the a-b conversation get upset... I found the solution to be to rephrase your disagreement or whatever it is in a way where you can present another alternative idea- then they focus on that.

   I know it goes back to what you said to sound wimpy, but having just a tad of that could also soften your approach.

2. AnonymousMay 24,2022 at 6:45PM UTC

   To add on, while I do agree with other posters with the idea that some people hate when women are "Aggressive", in my experience, there are still many people who don't like it when people are too forward with them. In my original comment, I mentioned I observed this behavior at work with others. I never minded it myself, as I personally prefer candid people- however, the people in question were BOTH men and women. I don't know maybe the difference here between my experience and everyone else's here is a cultural thing because in my hometown it is normal to bite your tongue and do whatever the boss says no matter what and never question it. When these examples of mine questioned it, expressed their disagreement, or were simply honest about a work problem, that is when they were regarded as "Hard to work with".

   In all honestly, I think that you should really analyze your surroundings and how everything plays out for you. Maybe it is a sexist thing like everyone says, or maybe not.

3. Julie HumbirdMay 23,2022 at 10:51PM UTC

   I’ve been called aggressive and direct. The best advise I’ve received is to always start my consulting calls/meetings with “pleasantries” and “small talk”. I haven’t changed my direct communications but I’m seen more as a person than robot. I used to come to

   meetings full of questions and errors I’ve found. Now, I say “How was your weekend?” Or “Why do people say Happy Monday?”

   I once made a PM cry started a meeting firing off questions. I never want to do that again.

4. AnonymousMay 23,2022 at 11:17PM UTC

   I'm very direct and kills me to do all the pleasantries ... but I do because some people need a softer approach.

5. AnonymousMay 23,2022 at 11:24PM UTC

   Not sure how helpful but wanted to share.
   I trained my replacement at my prior job in the company when I was promoted and moved departments. I still interact with my old department - in a management role.

   I had to find out the status of a project. I said "Good Morning, Please provide an update to this project. What has been completed and when do you expect the remainder completed. Here's why I need that information. Thanks!"

   I got a response back stating my tone in the email was inappropriate and then was provided links on how to better communicate via email. That link provided pleasantries and building relationships. The new hire also included my boss and his ... oh that didn't go over well with me.

   Anyhow I responded "Thank you for feeling comfortable enough to provide feedback, we can discuss this further next time we are both in the office"

   I really just wanted to tell that person to grow some thicker skin - this is business world and sometimes people just need to ask direct questions to get answers!

   With that said, he felt a tone that wasn't there because he's behind on his work and expressed it toward me. I'm thinking the person you sent the message to might have gone on the defensive.

6. JJMay 24,2022 at 3:04PM UTC

   You email sounded perfect to me. Are you a minority female? I have only ever seen this dynamic in play when a white person perceives that a brown person had too much power.

7. AnonymousMay 24,2022 at 9:19PM UTC

   No, not a minority but female and the new coworker was male. I don't do the whole rank/level thing but was so put off by the fact I trained him and I'm several levels above him.

8. Anne MatsushitaMay 24,2022 at 12:12AM UTC

   Perhaps honing in on why it feels "demeaning" or "wimpy" to ask people for their feedback and input can provide insight - maybe it's not coming across authentically if you feel it's something you "have" to do. Showing that you're open to learning from others doesn't mean that you're not confident or a SME.

   It doesn't sound like you're immune to people's feelings, based on your experience with your mother. Noticing other people's body language, and even what they're not saying, may help shed some light in the moment to adjust and engage them.

9. AnonymousMay 24,2022 at 3:39AM UTC

   I don’t feel it’s demeaning to ask for or receive feedback—it’s a key part of my job, but it’s so often presented that I should say, “if that’s okay with you,” or “if you don’t mind, can I do X”.

   I’m much more of a “here’s my suggestion based on what you said. Thought?” Whereas I’m being told to be more of a “if it’s okay with you, do you mind if I do X?” To me, that doesn’t sound like I’m the expert who is going to fix their problems.”

   I’m supposed to project confidence but am hugely in the imposter syndrome with this feedback.

   if I’d been in the project managers shoes, I would have said, “I get figuring this out is tricky, where do you see the issues with the client deliverable? How w can we ensure we give the client what they’re expecting?”

10. Anne MatsushitaMay 24,2022 at 9:56PM UTC

    Thanks for sharing that context. It doesn't sound like the feedback you're receiving is around your expertise, so it seems like you are presenting your thoughts well.

    For a lot of people, change is scary. Maybe the feedback is more about getting buy-in from others, to make them feel like part of the process so they feel some ownership (even though you are guiding them and offering your solutions). Being attuned to their emotions might help them see you're on their side.

11. Chris RMay 26,2022 at 6:59PM UTC

    "if that's okay with you "or if you don't mind" are phrases that are always told to WOMEN to the work place. I've never seen a man use these. Women always have to ASK, even when they are the boss. Men don't.

    There's this video that circulated last year that shows what I mean: https://www.facebook.com/glamourmaguk/videos/should-women-be-writing-emails-like-their-male-colleagues-and-yes-that-would-mea/460661178315300/

12. Chris RMay 26,2022 at 7:00PM UTC

    Here's an article: https://www.glamourmagazine.co.uk/article/how-to-write-confident-emails

13. AnonymousMay 24,2022 at 1:12PM UTC

    Hi there - I work for myself in a role that is purposely and necessarily sometimes at odds with the CEO/Visionary of the small businesses I work with because my role is to run the Operations, work the strategic plan, and make room for the many wants of the visionary when it makes good business sense to do it. Not just because they want it right now. I think it's likely that you aren't seeking to work only with clients who match your style and/or you haven't accounted for the communications styles of your team. I'm a direct person. I like when people are direct with me. I'm not someone who likes frills and beating around the bush, but I have a great sense of humor and I adapt in a kind but firm way using language that isn't wishy-washy, but IS approachable. There's a balance. Some of the ways I respond are learned techniques based on the other person's communication style and their wants and needs, not mine. I don't apologize for who I am, but not everything is about me and who I am. It's the grease that keeps the wheels turning. I would start your engagements with an assessment of communication styles (make those part of your costs) and how people respond when they are striving (Kolbe) so that you all know what to expect from one another. I would share your own results with them at the outset of the engagement (pre-contract) and prepare them for what to expect from you so that they aren't shocked when you say direct things. It's all in the preparation and how you tee it up. Good luck.

14. AnonymousMay 24,2022 at 1:45PM UTC

    This is really interesting to me. If you were a man, I wonder would the feedback be the same? Part of DE&I is understanding that everyone is unique and brings different things to the table. While I agree that you shouldn't be rude (which you say you aren't), there's nothing wrong with seeking clarity and getting to the point. Let's face it - so many people are uncomfortable with women who use "certain" and assertive language. Also, written comms are usually interpreted by the reader based on their own mood not your intent which another issue entirely. In this case, I think understanding what your values are - fairness, clarity, efficiency, etc? - and balancing that with the idea that (paraphrased) "people won't remember what you said/did, but they will remember how you made them feel" is a good approach. Finally, people are naturally more attuned to negativity v more positive language/actions etc. You may be reverting back to learned patterns of focusing on negative outcomes and language. Think of times when your communication style was well received - what made it work, what was the context etc.? You could also let clients know up front that you lean toward a direct communication style and that the intent is never to be rude/condescending and that if they ever have a concern they should feel comfortable providing you with constructive feedback. Changing your "tone" isn't really constructive.

15. AnonymousMay 24,2022 at 2:31PM UTC

    When it comes to your softer phrases I totally understand the "if that's okay with you" or "if you don't mind" the way its phrased almost feels like permission. Instead since you want to focus on feedback, I would phrase it differently. Such as "What do you think of that?" or "How do you feel about those options?" Using the word "if" in my mind has always taken away personal ownership.

    As for the reaction to "I have that document, but I don't think that's what the client is referring to" I personally would of said the same thing. I am a very fact driven person. You could of possibly followed up with what the client stated to make you believe that the client is referring to another document which you may have.

    I would also try and focus on other peoples perspectives of what you are saying. Having someone else read what you have said who knows you can also be helpful to. I usually use my best friend because she usually knows what I am trying to get at if I come across the wrong way. I am still a very direct person but I have become less curt over the years as I have grown.

16. AnonymousMay 24,2022 at 2:43PM UTC

    Good for you for trying to improve your written communication with outside sources, but one is not something that you can control 100% because there is always someone else interpreting it. I wouldn't have necessarily apologized for your initial comment but maybe asked the receiver why he perceived it as such.

    At some point, people (*cough* men) need to get over themselves and not take everything so personally and respect that some people just want to get things done without wasting time coddling.

17. JJMay 24,2022 at 3:01PM UTC

    If you are a woman of color “tone” is a much more serious issue for white colleagues.

    If this happens all of the time, I would be concerned but if you said exactly what you typed above, I do not see the issue. People in business expect women to be soft and it is a disservice.

18. Yasu TalodinMay 26,2022 at 2:32PM UTC

    Especially us black women--wouldn't want to come off as "the angry black woman", because we know our stuff, now would we?

19. Barb HansenMay 24,2022 at 6:08PM UTC

    Firstly, you may be fine. You may be dealing with people who think that women shouldn't be forceful or knowledgeable. You don't say if the "your tone" comments are coming from other women or from men. If it's coming from mostly men, I say "ugh" and "consider the source"

    But let's say that the "your tone" comment is something that you think you need to address.

    It seemed that if this "tone" comment has followed you at work but doesn't seem follow you in your non-work interactions. (do I have that right?)

    Are you "putting on a work persona" when you are at work?

    Is that tone coming from your work-persona?

    if you put on a work-persona during work hours, can you try to take that persona off? (which I know sounds weird)

20. AnonymousMay 24,2022 at 9:26PM UTC

    Lord, I've had that said to me so many times.
    Working in a male-dominated industry though tends to bring that attitude. Any strong decisive woman is labeled "difficult" or worse. I've done the same as you, try to appease their fragile feelings. I try to moderate my tone and keep emotions out of my emails and speech. I talk factually and present things that way. I don't use "I" or "they" unless absolutely needed. Beyond that, the problem isn't mine, it's theirs. I'm not responsible for their feelings and insecurities. As long as I know I'm behaving appropriately and professionally, the problem isn't mine. Sure, they can still fire me because I won't roll over and play the subservient female for them, but if they want to keep harrassing me then no need to stay anyway. When a plant manager can throw a tissy-fit at a meeting and actually shed tears at a table full of other men, and I'm labeled "difficult" because I asked him for a report? PLEASE!!!

21. AnonymousMay 25,2022 at 10:53AM UTC

    I would take a step back and not try and lead with ",subject matter expert" and coming across as "confident " because whatever you believe these things they are lost in translation and unstead are coming across as difficult and combative.

    Instead lead with more supportive questions, interact with more collaboration and honest interest. You show interest and care when you lead with connection and service.

    I understand you have the knowledge and expertise but remember not "lead" in a vacuum. I think your message would be received better with honest cooperation and a mindset of support. This is true with all genders. I am much more comfortable and agreeable around leaders who lead as part of a team, sharing their knowledge and strength rather than standing apart as an individual contributor gatekeeping their way through a project. They can be genius but I avoid them because they don't come off as genuine. Instead they come off as difficult.

    I hope this helps.

22. AnonymousMay 25,2022 at 11:06AM UTC

    If u are a blk female it is more than likely a common stereotype when people are intimidated by your competence and potential.
    It’s hard to fix when it is due to other peoples insecurity and ignorance. I will never understand why other races have the green light to be assertive and give direction in meetings where as the blk female is admonished and labelled difficult when she does. It is almost crippling and i empathize bc I’ve been there. There is no easy solution here bc the perception is deeply rooted in racism and the culture of the company you work at to deter giving you the respect you deserve and allowing you to thrive. My advice. When someone calls you curt combative etc apologize no matter what. I am sorry if that is how you perceived my response. I would like us to continue to work well together and want to make sure you are as comfortable as possible. Can you further describe what you mean or explain what you mean by me being difficult so I can improve.? Someone bullshitting you will stutter and eventually give up labeling you this bc when you ask them to explain what they mean… they won’t know how to answer. But someone coming from a genuine place will give you concrete ex to build and grow from. If this turns out to be bs put out for bids elsewhere bc they won’t change and as long as they see u as a threat this will keep coming up. Many blk females who shine and or pursue leadership experience this, when you apply for other jobs ask probing questions to get a sense of their culture… do they have other people that look like you in leadership.,, are new leaders given the latitude to express innovative and dynamic ideas? Good luck and don’t be discouraged.

    oh and while you are here, since they want to label you so bad, to protect yourself only speak or talk when you absolutely need to. If you don’t need to engage them to verify something don’t. Or if you do try to do so in writing and make it as pretty an nauseatedly fluffy as possible. In all of my emails I always start off with, hi name, hope all is well. Just above my signature block I have an ending phrase that says cheers and have a good day, with a smiley face. Every single email has this, no matter who i communicate to. I wish someone would dare call my smiley face hostile, hang tough and don’t let these mind games psych you out. God made you brilliant and amazing. If therapist and coaches are not seeing problems with you…it’s likely the environment and how we are unfortunately stereotyped.

23. AngieMay 25,2022 at 11:53AM UTC

    I think this deserves a deeper discussion. This is a place for people to learn, and I am more than willing to share my experiences in the workplace as a black woman.

24. AnonymousMay 25,2022 at 12:47PM UTC

    I really wish that black women wouldn't assume that white women do not face this same kind of thing.
    We do. All the time. It's not just a racial problem, it's a being a 'strong woman' problem. Instead of creating yet one more barrier to the conversation, can we make it about how we all as women change this behavior?

    We are stronger when we work together.

25. AnonymousMay 25,2022 at 1:48PM UTC

    As far as I am concerned I stand by what I wrote.
    It is a black women problem thru my lense. It is not to take away from your experience but I have been undermined by white females too. And although we should stick together unfortunately I have seen white females take on a competitive role and contributing to this toxicity. So understand when people post their advice and feedback it is through their lense and from their experience, not necessarily yours, and just bc it is not you’re direct experience does not mean it is not someone else’s.

    also if you look at other comments that is why some start of by writing ….if you are a person of color. Part of the experience is rooted in racism for some.

    Have s blessed day

26. Yasu TalodinMay 26,2022 at 2:26PM UTC

    I'm black and this is ABSOLUTELY the truth! I've been passed over for jobs in favor of white women who are clueless, but they're "nice". Then they turnaround and treat black women like crap. This has happened at every place I've worked. It's happened to me and I've seen it happen to other black women.

    The last company I worked for, the petite, "cutesy" white female manager (who, oh by the way, cussed like a sailor in meetings) got rid of every black person under her and hired all of her white female friends one Asian lady whom she didn't treat very well and a couple of black men to keep her out of trouble who eventually all quit. So, yeah, white women can be just as bad, if not worse, than white men.

27. AnonymousMay 26,2022 at 6:46PM UTC

    Thank you. And it is unfortunate that folks who do not look like us think the problem is imaginary or does not exist bc it is not their experience. As if we wake up wishing this on ourselves....shakes head.

28. AnonymousMay 25,2022 at 11:51AM UTC

    I’ve been there. Sounds like you’re dealing with fragile masculinity. It is totally a trap that is set for women—we’re told we’re being too forceful and then we back paddle, and somehow that’s not right either. I’m sorry I don’t have any more advice than to remember it’s likely then and not you.

29. Mara Jevera FulmerMay 25,2022 at 1:16PM UTC

    Your last question hit home with me. For the record, I'm in my early 60s now and have faced the entire spectrum of responses to my "tone" over the years. First - I apologize if I've made a mistake, and will even acknowledge my mistakes if I discover it before others. "My apologies but it looks like I misinterpreted the request (or data, or situation)..."

    But the one thing I've learned over the years was NOT to apologize for being direct and accurate even if someone else interprets that as being bossy or "combative" - as you said - if I know that I have not been (usually in response to an insecure male). If I do apologize, it would be "I'm sorry you perceive my response that way, but I have the document and understand the client's request to be XYZ. Let's clarify what they're really asking for." Notice - I'm not dropping into acquiescent subservient female role in order to stroke their ego.

    Recently, I observed a really good lesson from our leader, a black woman who has faced more than her share of pushback. Another woman was being given an award and started out sounding like she didn't deserve it because there were so many others who were "amazing". Our leader said to "Stop that! Women do this all the time! Accept the award because you earned it!" Women are often told they need to pull back, not outshine, not seem too pushy (because confidence, to men, means you're pushy). Let's take that power back, please. If you give too much of your power away by sounding all wishy-washy and equivocal, you'll then get the other side of the feedback - "She's not strong enough to lead this project. She can't make a decision. She's not up to the job, too soft...."

    If you know are being professional, polite, thorough in your work, there is no reason to change. Please don't give away your power.

30. Yasu TalodinMay 26,2022 at 2:03PM UTC

    Great minds think alike!
    I'm also in my early 60's and have heard that whole 'tone' bs all my adult life. I'm a pretty direct person and because of that, even WOMEN have fallen into that same 'you have a tone problem' trap with OTHER women. But let a man say the exact same thing in a worse 'tone' and even women think he's "smart". I agree with everything you said. Women don't need to change who or what they are--men AND women need to get used to fact that we're equal--AND they need to be teaching this in college/business school.

31. AnonymousMay 25,2022 at 1:47PM UTC

    Don’t go to HR. I work with a couple women whose’ tone is condensing and people would rather interact via e-mail and not by phone with them. Some people just rub others the wrong way.

    perhaps your mother has rubbed off on you and now that part of you comes out unintentionally.

    I always preface my line of questioning or redirecting by clarifying first. Of course, this may take 30 seconds more but it builds understanding. For example, “I am seeking to clarifying because X” “it’s seems like the client want X and I recommend X” etc. again, this takes a little more time and I err on the side of caution.

    please know I previously served in the Army as an officer. While in the military I could be very direct and tell it like it is. However, in my corporate environment, I had to adapt to their approaches to communicate. Which were less direct, more collaborative and seeking to engage other’s opinions.

    similar to you, I work as a consultant and have to get deliverables across to the finish line. I lead with a softer approach yet still firm and it’s a balancing act because I served for 11 years, I’m cautious not to lean to my normal “straight no chaser approach “

    keep going to therapy it helps. Also seek an executive career coach that can assist too. Wishing you the best.

32. Nicole ElmesMay 25,2022 at 1:56PM UTC

    If you’ve been told this over and over again, I would ask a close friend if they agree and see if they can provide you with more insight.

    It could be what people have already responded about in their comments, but it could also be that the way you communicate does not serve you well.

    Have you ever had a therapist or Coach sit in on a work meeting and provide feedback afterwards? In any setting, “plays well with others” is important to building a career.

    One thing that can help is getting to know the people you work with in a personal level, showing empathy and asking questions in meetings to understand WHY. When people know you as a person, they will be able to better separate your tone from what you are saying and take things less personally.

    I also recommend listening to Brene Brown’s the Power of Vulnerability. Good luck.

33. AnonymousMay 25,2022 at 4:18PM UTC

    Going to preface this with I didn't read everything that has been commented so sorry in advance if this has been stated.

    It's important not to discount that a lot of people take it personally when a consultant of some sort is brought in to help with a project. They tend to view it as the company doesn't think they are capable of doing their job instead of viewing it as someone coming in to help take some of pressure of the workload away. So you are probably fighting an uphill battle in general. That said...

    You could be too blunt or direct in how you talk. Regardless of how polite you feel you are being, this can and does tend to rub everyone the wrong way at one point or another depending on how they themselves are feeling that day.

    I have a boss who does this. She is extremely polite but very blunt, direct, and inquisitive. She wants to make sure that the reasoning behind doing something is sound, and she will tell you if she thinks it is or isn't. She doesn't say anything inherently mean, but the directness (especially if I'm having a bad day) can feel combative and like a personal attack.

    I also have a tendency to be direct, especially in a project setting. As you mention, it's just easier to make sure that you know what is going on and everyone is on the same page. Don't become passive, remain strong (they hired you for a reason), but there are some ways that you can soften how you request things. A couple of things that I do are below.

    The biggest one is being upfront and saying "that to avoid confusion as the project moves forward you prefer to have discussions about the project and the deliverables be as direct as possible. That way everyone comes out of meetings knowing what is needed and when it is needed by."

    I find that people are so used to women not really being direct in the workplace that it is more of a shock when they are. Saying something like the above in the beginning of a project and then occasionally throughout the project can help remind people that your directness isn't a personal attack.

    If I need things from people I bullet the requests and have due dates highlighted in the email. In the body of the email I flat out say "bulleting for ease" or something along those lines. If there are due dates involved I ask them if these due dates seem reasonable given their current workload, and if it isn't to propose new due dates for tasks they think they need more time on. Obviously it's not always possible to move things around, but sometimes it is, and asking this question makes it seem like you are being considerate of everything else they have going on.

    You mention that you are funny in your presentations, if the humor is the kind of humor that can translate into meetings try to see if you can inject that into them more. Make the meetings fun.

    In the particular situation you mentioned with the pm and the document the customer wanted, it sounds a bit like the pm is having a not good day, or doesn't agree with having an outside consultant, and took your disagreement with them as a personal attack. Depending on who is responsible for communicating with the client, you could always send both documents (the one they suggested and the one you think the client wants). If they are someone you need to work closely with on this project, I would contact them again (after they've had some time) maybe suggest an informal something like a coffee or lunch meeting (in person or zoom) and clear the air a bit. If this situation happens again (disagreement over what the client needs) you could try saying something like "hmmm maybe I missed something that was said in the meeting, entirely possible with all the notes I was taking; I thought they would need xx document because of yy. What did they say that made you think they would need zz document (doc they suggested)." Throwing it back on yourself can help it sound less accusatory. Make sure you say it as if you are thinking and legit curious what you might have missed.

    Sorry for how long this became, if you made it this far that's awesome. Hopefully you are able to find something that works for you going forward.

    Good luck! :)

34. AnonymousMay 26,2022 at 5:27AM UTC

    I agree with everything said here! I was going to post something similar :)

    It may help you to know your MBTI to navigate communication issues. I am INTJ, my best friend is INTP - both rare in women - so how is this relevant? Well, we both have a more direct and logical approach to problem solving which often surprises and even intimidates others. (Actually, she is more blunt than me and insists that it is her pursuit of truth and facts over feelings!) We have both had similar feedback to you and had to navigate office politics with others based on feelings and inaccurate expectations in the workplace.

    When I was younger I was very confused about why everyone was so emotional and illogical. I have worked hard to work out how others think/ behave and improve my communication. I try to avoid passive / soft phrasing as it's not helpful to sound weak.

    Instead I do the following to walk people through my process:

    1. Open by laying out the problem as I understand it - say your usual direct conclusion BUT within a story/ context. This in itself softens things and humanises you. Optional: add some feelings/ reflection "There's been difficulty achieving X due to shifting goals and uncertainty across the team. So as soon as I submit my work, goals change and my time and effort is wasted. (Optional: This has been a frustrating experience for me but more importantly Client Z too.)" Depending on who I'm talking to I may also add a mini-mission statement here - my role is X and my goal is to Y.

    2. To help you give context, explain the evidence so far, pointing out the facts. "For example, after submitting A, B and C, I was informed about D and E."

    3. Then explain the gaps. "However after speaking with Client Z and receiving valuable feedback, F, G, and H are also important to make this project successful." (Before, I may have listed straight facts which to some sruck in their feelings have read like a painful list, they hear: " ... you failed because of blah, blah blah!" - I've noticed an allergic reaction to accountability here so be mindful around those people - take the emotion out where you can and stress project/ team success!)

    4. Propose a solution to trial. "Let's map out where to go next - I have a shared doc here with some ideas (Answers to the actual problem BUT with a collaborative element - works well in teams!)

    5. "Do you have any other ideas?" Shows that you're open to feedback and you may have missed something important.

    You got this! :)

35. AnonymousMay 26,2022 at 1:04PM UTC

    these are some awesome tips to add to my list of statements! Thanks

36. AnonymousMay 25,2022 at 5:53PM UTC

    Maybe next time, you can record yourself and play it back to listen to how you may sound. Earlier in my career, I received feedback that I intimidated people because I knew too much, but I thought I was sharing my knowledge and was trying to sound confident. But that made the other person feel uncomfortable. So then what I did was to pause everytime I wanted to speak and think about what I wanted to say for a few seconds, and over time, practice became habit, and now I feel like I can be confident without turning others off.

37. Audrey KirschMay 25,2022 at 6:18PM UTC

    I've suffered with the 'tone' issues as well. Being focused and direct is acceptable behavior for a man but not so much for a woman. Sounds like you're doing everything you can not to offend anyone. Try to learn how to read your audience. Some people like their info delivered with no frills, just what's needed while others are all about the niceties over substance. You can't always get it right, but don't go the all passive route when you haven't done anything wrong. Just try a new approach next time you have to deal with someone who doesn't get your style of communicating. It's a two-way street. They need to get where you're coming from as much as you need to understand their expectations.

38. AnonymousMay 25,2022 at 7:33PM UTC

    I wonder how often men in your field have been criticized for their "tone." I've never heard of a man in my field being talked to about "tone," but I've had that lecture.

39. Rebecca A BrittMay 26,2022 at 12:59PM UTC

    I had a job where my manager (and good friend) had to speak to me because a peer had complained that I wasn't being collaborative with the client AND that I needed to be more "deferential."

    I asked my manager if he would be having a conversation about being "deferential" with any of my male colleagues.

    He paused, apologized, and agreed it was a sexist word that never would have been said about a male colleague

40. Jenny WineMay 26,2022 at 12:26PM UTC

    I am very direct as well and I warn people upfront. You are being paid to do a job and not to be their friend

41. AnonymousMay 26,2022 at 12:37PM UTC

    Have you tried forming your feedback/input in the form of questions in the spirit of collaboration and collegiality?
    Sometimes people react to that more positively, rather than just saying it how it is.

42. Audette BruceMay 26,2022 at 12:37PM UTC

    I’ve had this conversation quite recently in fact and while in my mind I was being professional and concise, the receivers were feeling my words were terse. Basically I had to remember that it’s actually more about the relationship than just delivering information. No one wants to feel like a means to an end or a tool, so I had to remember that the best version of me I bring is one who values the people I work with even more than the deliverable because people > task. Maybe that won’t fly in your line of work, but when I start valuing the people more my tone becomes more collegial. One further issue to consider is that email and text don’t convey tone well at all, obviously, so if you’re getting dinged in those situations, maybe go with the phone call to engage on a more human level.

43. AnonymousMay 26,2022 at 1:18PM UTC

    I agree with many commenters here. This is a type of feedback that women often receive from men and it’s rooted in misogyny. Women are supposed to be helpful and polite so men get offended when we push back or disagree. To them it comes off as rude and argumentative.

    If managers cannot give you specific feedback and/or give you examples of the behavior then it’s not constructive and valuable. It’s not helping your grow or fix the problem so really it’s just rude and condescending.

    It sounds like you are doing everything possible to correct this. Lots of good suggestions from other commenters. I have dealt with tone issues too. So to help combat that, I started changing how I disagree with people. I tend to phrase it as a question. For the example you gave I would have responded with “Can you provide some clarity here? It seems our understanding of the clients needs are not aligned.” Generally this is received better because it comes off as you wanting to be collaborative rather than argumentative.

    I hope everyone’s comments help and you conquer this!!

44. Kelly Harman-SeversonMay 26,2022 at 1:25PM UTC

    Would we even be having this conversation if we were men?

    I am also a direct communicator. When I am in a new group/team , I tell my audience that I am direct. I also use humor. Like others have mentioned, I take time to read the room. Being able to show up authentic is important.

45. Laura Ann KleinMay 26,2022 at 1:37PM UTC

    this!

46. Jill DingMay 26,2022 at 1:46PM UTC

    Interesting that the client chooses to comment on your tone when you are an outside consultant (i.e. the expert). I agree with others that this feedback is rooted in gender bias. Have they ever provided specific examples that you can immediately act on? If not, then that's not constructive feedback.

    If you get this type of feedback a lot, perhaps it's also time to revisit what type of clients fit YOU. The relationship should be positive both ways!

47. Connie ChaffinsMay 26,2022 at 1:54PM UTC

    While I think the comments about the gender disparities in this space are true- they arent really helpful. A person that others view as brusque, rude, or clipped is going to struggle to move ahead in most organizations, and if you personally are getting feedback that sounds like that, its going to impact your success. Period. Not fair probably, but true.

    So in that spirit- Ill share what coaching I provide to my teammates who struggle in this space.

    In my experience, we can't fix our tone. Your tone is your tone. BUT I have found that you can work on some of the mechanics of how you communicate to soften your tone- I would suggest that you record (if your job allows) a handful of your conversations and listen for a couple of things:

    1. Overtalk - are you guilty of overtalking people, even only when trying to be helpful?
    2. Acnowledging the speakers point, or opinion- are you responding in a way that acknowledges the speakers opinion?
    3. Small talk - do you open your interactions with 'how was your weekend'? or ' I see youre having some bad weather in your city- hope all is well'
    4. Humor- are you injecting any humor into your interactions- even brief moments of lightness?
    5. Setting the stage for your remarks/response - do you say things like "I have a point of view on this based on my xx number of years experience in this field, so I would preface my comments so my passion isnt viewed as anything but my excitement for the right outcomes'.

    NONE of these invidivually are big things-and some might feel disingenuous to you or feel like a waste of time to those are take the 'Im not here to make friends' approach... however if you are aware that your natural cadence is clipped, quick, or can come across as less than collaborative, any or all of those tactics can help to soften your natural rhythm, and arent hard to integrate if you desire to change the perception of others.

    I always think of these things musically. Sounds like your natural rhythm in speech is stacatto, percussive even. Think of a snare drum as the only instrument accompanying a song. If one were forced to use only a snare drum for a song, they would use a drum pad, some brushes, or strike adjustments to make the instrument more 'musical' so that people can focus on the song. If you are aware that your tone is more like a snare drum, those tactics will soften the sound and smooth out the perceived edges you are getting feedback on, as well as allow your audience to hear your 'song'.

    For what's its worth- I have the opposite problem. Im a story teller and while people find it generally charming and likeable, I have had to work hard to learn when to strike the drum head hard when I need to be heard and I know Im right. Work in progress for sure- I certainly hope any of this helps you.

48. Changemaker517537May 26,2022 at 4:44PM UTC

    As a professional musician I totally love your music references. Makes perfect sense, too.

49. AnonymousMay 26,2022 at 8:54PM UTC

    Love this post. Makes so much sense.

50. Hannah JordanMay 26,2022 at 2:14PM UTC

    There are so many times I've had the "tone" talk. And so many times I've had to say "yes, but is that because men feel I'm aggressive because I'm direct or am I actually doing something wrong?" They expect us to be meek and to not "step out of line." When they can speak the same way and it not make a difference. They're seen as leaders... I'm seen as aggressive. Nope. I am thankful I've made it to a place where while the men on my team may feel I'm aggressive, management does not. They've accepted me and in fact sometimes have told me to be more direct. To stop trying to tone myself down.

51. Joanna PoeMay 26,2022 at 2:40PM UTC

    Nobody likes hearing that you need something from them, so they're pushing back, claiming your tone is abrasive. This is not on you, it's misogyny.

    I also prefer to be direct, while remaining respectful. I spent 15 years in tech getting projects done on time and teaching customers to use new software, and "tone" did come up, but usually only when some other vendor was failing to deliver on time, or someone on the client's side wasn't holding up their end of things. A straightforward approach was welcome and effective until someone needed to direct attention away from their own issues.

    The key to dealing with this feedback is to ask for specifics. Make them actually tell you plainly what they would do/say differently.

52. AnonymousMay 26,2022 at 2:57PM UTC

    Arggggg this is a woman only problem. If you were a man, no one would dare suggest you were less than efficient and professional. You would be admired for being forthright and confident.

    Honestly I get the same kind of feedback and it is annoying. And while I think about it, my son is having the same problem at his work right now. We refer to it as working with special snowflake children who need to feel validated all the time and have their feelings hurt if you don’t smile big enough. Then they whine to everyone including upper management. I would be mortified to go the CEO and while that so-and-so was rude to me/fixed a cup of coffee in lunchroom and didn’t offer me one/whatever else someone can be offended by.

    Unfortunately I don’t know what the answer is, I have a resting bitch face. I state the issue/problem/option and my “tone” is wrong. It is all I can do to not say bit me and grow up some days.

    Guess I really need to consider retirement…….

53. AnonymousMay 26,2022 at 8:47PM UTC

    I see you and hear you. Times sure have changed! Had to laugh, "resting bitch face." I DID retire before I did something stupid.

54. AnonymousMay 27,2022 at 2:16PM UTC

    This made me laugh out loud, really! I have been watching a trial the last couple of weeks and two things relevant to this topic are: one of the litigants has the worst case of RBF I have ever seen and it is extremely off putting; the other thing is her lawyer has a voice that wears on your last nerve.

    What is the answer to RBF and tone I do not know but I do know they are very real things.

55. AnonymousMay 26,2022 at 3:13PM UTC

    I haven’t read all the comments, but it sounds like a lot of your work is over the phone. Can you put a mirror by your phone? Then while talking, watch your expressions. Are you smiling while you talk? Looking concerned when someone needs empathy?

    I agree that women do not deserve to be told we have a “tone” when men get the leadership badge for the same way of talking. And we aren’t going to be able to change the narrative overnight.

    My other suggestion is for you to ask the PM for a conversation (and maybe state this at the beginning of your next gig): “I want you to know that at times I might come off as blunt, direct, etc. But it is only because I am very dedicated to my work and the project. So please don’t take my tone personal, and know it is really because I have the project’s best interests at heart. It is never my intention to be difficult or hurt feelings.”

56. Kiersten KrumrieMay 26,2022 at 3:29PM UTC

    I have dealt with this my entire life as well. I was recently fired because I called out due to a family emergency, but I know the real reason was the manager did not like me.

    Honestly the last straw for me was when she said I needed to change my ‘tone’/attitude towards my co-workers. She told me that as a nurse I was wonderful and there were no complaints from any of the patients, but my co-workers had issues. I had just lost my mother 6 days ago to Covid and was back at work and my manager told me that when I answered the phone I needed to be more friendly and I sounded like I did not want to help her on the phone. I apologized and told her that I was busy and I am just a direct/blunt person. I answered the yes/no question and did not feel the need to chitchat as I was very busy with patients. She told me that I better change my attitude and tone, because I was not pleasant to work with. Just looking for a reason to fire me, but excuse me for being a REAL person who just had their mother pass away.

57. AnonymousMay 26,2022 at 8:41PM UTC

    Kiersten. I am also a nurse and what you describe is very very similar to experiences I've had. I trained and practiced in the northern US and moved to the south where attitudes and manner of speaking are much different. I too had great performance reviews and no complaints from patients or their families. and also good relationships with coworkers. The manager, however, called me out often because I was blunt and direct. I could actually picture myself when you spoke about answering the phone having multiple irons in the fire and patient needs taking every minute I had. My manager's (also a nurse) focus was I didn't sound "friendly," give me a break. I just didn't have time to "bless her heart." I was never fired but my impatience with this bs and the level of disregard for all nurses led me to finally retire after more than 45 years of demanding patient care, which I loved. My condolences on the loss of your mother.

58. Megan JohnstonMay 26,2022 at 3:35PM UTC

    I hear you girl. This is a tough challenge for women who don't communicate in a feminine way and I have spent a lifetime on this myself. Here are a few things that have worked for me: 1) Avoid opinions. Stick to the facts. Sometimes the comment about tone is really - "I don't like your opinion". I realize as a consultant giving opinions is what we do but how you give them matters. In some ways this statement you made "I have that document, but I don't think that's what the client is referring to." is an opinion. But if your interpretation of a client's comment isn't obvious to the other person the statement could just be insulting or confusing. You can say the same thing by using facts..."what I believe the client is referring to is...and not the document..." 2) I've had an interesting time learning about non-violent communication. This helped me to find ways to make people feel more heard while getting shit done just as effectively as before. 3) When giving advice as a consultant I try to use empowering language like: "what I observed is...and my recommendation to address this is..." as opposed to maybe something like "I think you should do this". As noted below, you shouldn't have to change how you interact but this might give you a way to make a few adjustments while staying authentic to who you are.

59. Monica HilgenbergMay 26,2022 at 4:38PM UTC

    If it has come up with multiple clients and as a repeated behavior then it is something that needs to be addressed. Your perspective is obviously going to see you in a shining light but soft skills are important especially in written word where tone can not be heard. "I have that document, but I don't think that's what the client is referring to." in itself is not the problem, it is in how it is delivered. Maybe next time try, "I have that document, but it's possible that is not what the client is referring to."

60. C AllenMay 26,2022 at 5:16PM UTC

    If you figure this one out, please fill the rest of us assertive females in!!!!!

    As a matter of fact can (or has) FGB done an article on this topic yet?!?!?!??!

61. AnonymousMay 26,2022 at 6:22PM UTC

    I disagree with many of the tone because you are a woman comments. I am very outspoken, passionate, and I say what I think. I work with many women that are similar. In turn, I work with a man who has incorrect tone and I will tell him when he is being offensive.

    There is a difference in tone verse being outspoken. Tone is how it lands and if you are getting this feedback multiple times through the years and from different people then it is your responsibility to hear the feedback and be self aware that the way it is landing is offensive and unprofessional.

    In my opinion, it is a disservice to you. If your tone isn’t professional then people aren’t listening to what you are saying but HOW you say it and what you are trying to convey is getting lost. Learning to be self aware is important. You seem to not be aware of areas you may be missing an opportunity. It goes back to my original comment, gender isn’t the topic but self awareness. Again, it’s not what you are saying but how you are saying it. So self awareness and a coach would be useful. If word gets around you can be rude and not easy to work with, I would assume your clients would not recommend you to others.

62. AnonymousMay 27,2022 at 6:25PM UTC

    Please don’t invalidate others experience just because it’s not your own. I’m glad that you haven’t been discriminated against in this area but that doesn’t mean others haven’t. This isn’t being constructive or helpful.

63. Chris RMay 26,2022 at 6:53PM UTC

    I have this same issue and my boss is always on me about it. I've started to record myself so I can see what she and some others hear, but I don't hear it (the rudeness). I am serious (with a friendly and open tone) and I wonder if people hear a serious tone and their hackles rise and they think "rude". Ah well, this is the life of an introvert in many western countries.

64. AnonymousMay 26,2022 at 7:06PM UTC

    Sounds like you're self aware which is half of it. Have you tried recording yourself when speaking? Whenever I have an opportunity to listen to myself I do.

    Secondly, being around and growing up with a mother that is abrasive certainly can influence that on an unconscious level. If you haven't already integrated unconscious bias training into your work to share what you're doing as well as Insights discovery that might help. Both of these topics cover a lot with communication styles and types of biases people have. Myself being an insights red/yellow, I too am direct and have gotten that feedback, from work I am too professional and personally, I am too harsh, so I hear you. I applaud you for putting this out there and also seeking out coaching and therapy on these topics. You're not alone.

65. AnonymousMay 27,2022 at 2:11AM UTC

    Don’t be passive. Definitely don’t apologize. Ask, “how do you mean.”

    Ask, “please do share a specific instance and what response is received better because I want to hear you.”

    If the needed growth is real, people will care and not trip over their seemingly lost ability to speak in sentences.

    If you are being gaslit for negative framing and gossip or it’s a gender think vague but frequent accusations of “soft skills, ” especially your tone and picking the right communication for the audience get harped on absent a specific example and absent specific examples for improvements.

    These studies also show that when men get “soft skill” feedback it is specific and action-oriented. An example on FGB about 2 years ago went something like “Jack, you need to improve you presentation style. The first half of your presentation when you’re slides are more high level people can follow you, but when you get to more specifically focused content you explain minutia people can’t follow and is tangential to the presentation.”

    A toxic serpent at my last job a manager still jokes with me about that will get them off your back: follow what the influential people say and avoid all difficult conversations at all costs. She would literally stare blankly and raise a totally different topic.” So if it’s nasty people, start shuffling who you contract with, etc.

66. AnonymousMay 27,2022 at 2:05PM UTC

    Let me say that I actually enjoy direct people. I was recently praised for being exactly that. When I conduct a meeting I run it at a fairly fast pace so as not to allow the comedy club and attention seekers to derail the meeting.

    I do realize that many employees enjoy words wrapped in rainbows and fluffy clouds. I am not that person and to try that approach would not be authentic. I like to do nice things not necessarily say nice things.

    This post had me thinking about Jackie Kennedy. She spoke like she was whispering and people talked about how sweet and smart she was. Have you tried whispering? I am kidding of course.

    I hope you find something that works for you.

67. AnonymousMay 27,2022 at 2:18PM UTC

    I got similar feedback for many years and it was frustrating and disheartening. At the time I felt attacked and was just trying to do my job. At one point a VP said "I have seen you interact outside of work with a different energy, try channeling that".

    Then I made a big change. I focused on being kind and friendly, rather than lets just get to the point on every meeting since we had so many competiting priorities and not doing so sets a whole lot of people back. If felt weird, fake and awkward at first and eventally second nature and became a part of my being.

    And it took a long time! However I could now move projects forward, disagree with people tactfully and we could resolve without arguing or issues, of negative feedback on my tone. I observed others and saw their intereactions and what worked and didnt work. For really difficult people I asked others for their tips on working with so and so to see how I can better interact, work along side with less friction. Because face it some people are just crappy!

    Whenever I observed the meeting going south I instead became curious asking questions rather than telling people what was agreed upon or how the schedule is xyz and they are causing more delays. "Given what is in your queue already, what time would you be able to provide this report, we can adjust our schedule and let the wider group know." Sometimes they give a new date, often they say I can do it.

    Sure its a womans problem more, however I see across the teams we work with those same people who I would have tone issues in the past who have kept to their same argumentive, black and white ways and no one wants to work with them on anything and avoids it if all possible. Man and woman. Its a reminder everytime I see their crappy behavior, that is no longer how I will ever be perceived.

    And being in the friendlier category has made life at work (its a big chunk of my time after all) fun and enjoyable even when the work is hard and too much to finish at times.

    I am in a different corporate setting for sure, hoping my story of changing even though it felt weird, not part of my character really did change my life for the better. My work life is better, I have had a lot of positive feedback about working relationships, gone are the days of "lets talk about your tone". And I am still me and I became a better person in the growth.

68. Liz MilneMay 28,2022 at 1:56AM UTC

    Ugh, I think it's your confidence.

    As a freelancer, you're expected to be 'grateful' for the work, and I'm guessing (if you're like me) you're quite efficient (nothing like fear of not getting paid to help you get organised and meet deadlines!) which can make the salaried sitting-and-waiting-for-it-to-be-home-time people feel as though you're showing them up by being organised, having a plan and having all the facts and stats in good order.

    But being a freelancer you *have* to know your worth and act like you do, or else you'll get walked over...

    I've got into the habit of telling people that I'm very blunt and not to be offended: if I say something they think is rude, ask me to clarify - it's invariably me being hard on *myself* but they think I'm being snarky to them...

    If you're a POC (you don't specify) then it's even worse, you get the whole 'I'm giving you opportunities to work hard for me, why aren't you more deferential?' thing!

69. AnonymousMay 28,2022 at 3:00AM UTC

    This sounds like the best solution to me, esp since you are a freelancer. Be very upfront about being direct because you don’t want to waste THEIR time. Insist (lol) that they tell you instantly (maybe even with a buzzer sound?) when something you’ve said comes off so direct that it’s rude. At the first few meetings, remind them to use the imaginary buzzer. I tend to think that if you were a man, your “tone” would NEVER have even crossed anyone’s mind!

70. Liz MilneMay 29,2022 at 12:09AM UTC

    yes, this! I must use the buzzer idea! :P

    The man thing... ugh.

    I've learned to find that balance between insisting on my dues (the audacity!) and not giving them *any* excuse to accuse me of hysteria/ whining/ expecting special treatment etc.