Manipulative employee

Anonymous

December 15,2022 at 6:49PM UTC

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Manipulative employee

I have an employee who reports to me and I have the feeling is manipulative and undermining me.

- He very often objects publicly to my asks. I value contributions and want other opinions, but I also don't want every single ask to be always challenged. Lately, I decided to be firmer and simply say, I made the decision, please do it.

- Saying often unpleasant things disguised as care, for example, "You look tired today" or "Is everything ok, you look like you have a bad day", etc. These remarks don't make me feel good and it is not like I had a bad night sleep.

- Other team members complain that he does not appreciate them. He makes comment like, "This does not bring any value" to somebody who has worked hard on a task.

- Sometimes when he disagrees with something and doesn't do the way I asked, he claims I wasn't clear.

- In a meeting he asked for audience opinion and publicly commented that I disagree with what is the common opinion of the people there.

- In his year end self-evaluation he wrote pages about how much he did and rated himself the highest. Almost everything was part of his responsibility, not superwins. I did not give exceeds rating, but it almost felt he was manipulating me to give higher rating by the excessive amount of writeup.

What makes it difficult, he is a solid employee, delivers and has a very good reputation in the company, my boss likes him, but it seems he does not respect me as a manager and looks for ways to undermine me.

I have a long tenure with the Company, have built successful teams and delivered a lot, so while I certainly don't have all the answers, I have often good ideas and make good decisions.

Thoughts on how to deal without looking or sounding petty? FYI, I provided feedback to him about above items, but how do I continue the relationship?

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AnonymousDecember 15,2022 at 8:21PM UTC
First, let’s be fair to your employee: his work is solid and he had every right to give himself a strong self-evaluation, just as you had every right to give him a lower performance rating.
As to the items you object to: You might want to counsel him on being a team player. His disparaging comments about others (including you) and his repeated public objections to assignments are disrespectful, detrimental to team morale and productivity, and are thus items of concern. You can initiate the counseling by saying that you want him to be more successful and effective, and that he needs to work on his soft skills and his conduct in group meetings. Presumably, you can also insert this assessment in his performance ratings and in his personnel file. His deficiencies should be documented. Another approach might be to send him to trainings on improving his soft skills.
Your recent handling of his objections (“I made the decision, please do it,”) is excellent. Other phrases to use: “This is not up for debate.” “The decision has already been made.“
I suggest that you structure group discussions to clearly state when discussion/debate is desired and when it is not.
*Invite discussion when you’d appreciate it (“Does anyone have feedback?” “What are your thoughts on the pros and cons?”)
*Shut down discussion when a decision has already been made, preferably before you make an ask. (“We’ll be going forward with the XYZ program. Here are the tasks that need to be performed.”)
*Is it appropriate to frame some of your asks as assignments? An ask is arguably debatable. An assignment is not. Your difficult employee may do better if you give him assignments, not asks.
Finally, it is within your rights to terminate this employee for his lack of soft skills, if there is no improvement in his conduct. Should you desire to go this route, the paper trail recommended above should be helpful. Alternatively, can this employee be assigned to another work group?
AnonymousDecember 16,2022 at 12:12AM UTC
Thank you, these are very good suggestions! I already provided some coaching time for him on how to improve communication. It became a little bit better, but he also spent a lot of his time discussing how to be promoted and improve presentation skills, downplayed internal communication challenges. He builds a lot of external alliances which makes it challenging for me as he constantly highlights how other departments and people outside of my team value him, as if something is wrong with us and me. But I will follow your suggestions.
AnonymousDecember 17,2022 at 2:55PM UTC
This employee is using his current role as his stepping stone to another department (OR) a promotion. Since other departments like him so much, is there a way you can push him over to one of those departments. :)
I don’t have any personal suggestions, because I am not a manager. However, working with a co-worker who constantly toots their own horn, also attempts to minimize the accomplishments of others. Hence, crushing the morale of others on the team. P.S. I like how you shut him down by saying “ the decision has been made, please do it!” Another, person’s feedback suggested assigning the task, rather than asking him. Send the assigned task(s) through email, so you can document the required work. Good luck!
AnonymousDecember 18,2022 at 7:33PM UTC
I totally agree with you here.
AnonymousDecember 15,2022 at 9:45PM UTC
Just one word to describe him: Toxic.
He will take the whole department down if you let him continue with disparaging remarks and backhanded compliments. I once had an employee like this who always sang his praises while telling me how badly the company had "screwed" him and how horrible his coworkers were. The problem was that he was solid in front of customers, which allowed me to keep him on for much longer than I wanted to. However, I discovered that he had aired the same "dirty laundry" to a customer about how badly the company had treated him and how bad his coworkers were when the customer confronted me and asked me what I planned to do about it. I then took it to the top and got permission to [finally] terminate him.
The exciting thing that happened was in the next six months, there was more productivity from that group than there had been in the previous year because everyone had been walking around on eggshells. One toxic person can ruin an entire team.
AnonymousDecember 18,2022 at 6:17AM UTC
I agree, very toxic.
AnonymousDecember 15,2022 at 11:31PM UTC
The first item on your agenda should be to make sure your boss is aligned with you on understanding the problematic behaviors. When you communicate that with your boss, be sure you have three concrete iand specific examples. In terms of your boss, ask that your boss not allow splitting and insist that your boss can support you by introducing you into any conversations or meetings that the problematic subordinate tries to schedule.
AnonymousDecember 15,2022 at 11:53PM UTC
You are right, he is undermining you. I agree with the advice to align with your boss, but be careful depending on how close he is with your boss. It seems like he thinks he is the boss, so you have to be firm and show him that you are the boss. You have every right to do so. It is good that you did not give him higher rating, hopefully you put some comments regarding his behavior there.
Kristin BurnsDecember 16,2022 at 4:44PM UTC
This is tough! I'd say do as much of your interactions with in in groups or in writing. When he says annoying things, respond with "what?" or "why would you say that?" and see if he continues. His good reputation is built on the successful team you are running so spend more time building up those he is belittling and praise their work publicly and often. Overly praising his own work is likely a defense play by him if he has self-awareness, but if he truly is a strong performer, I would agree with the exceeds rating, not sure those are rarely given in your company.
AnonymousDecember 16,2022 at 7:33PM UTC
I like the idea that his reputation is built on other people on the team. When I said he is solid, I meant he is finishing the projects mostly on time, cares for his team and also is proactive with helping other departments. But we found mistakes with some of his deliverables and had to do rework for which he argued is not value added to rework. My other two other teams are supporting him, but he often argues with his peers, overly praises his team and is quick to criticize others. I have a problem giving him exceeds rating with his lack of internal team collaboration. It is like rewarding the wrong behavior.
AnonymousDecember 18,2022 at 2:52PM UTC
Doesn’t sound like a good idea to continue the relationship. Talk to your boss about this person, listen closely to the feedback, it’s almost a guarantee the person will try to circumvent you as you try to modify his behavior as it seems he is already openly defying You.
AnonymousDecember 18,2022 at 3:02PM UTC
In my opinion, he seems to be purposely undermining you and he is really trying to make you look bad. Especially with comments like "You look tired today". He may be plotting to take your spot. He seems to be setting the stage and no telling what bugs he has been putting in the ears of your peers and higher management. People like him are disgusting and need to be stopped. If you could, figure out a way to get him off your team. Mass manipulators like him can be very convincing so protect yourself.
AnonymousDecember 18,2022 at 5:10PM UTC
If he’s rude to you and undermining the culture of the team, then he’s underperforming and should be rated as such. He sounds disgruntled - like he should be managed out. Keep a specific log of this happened, so you can make a case about it with your manager (or if needed, HR). And ask your manager what to do, using a specific example(s) of plain malcontent behavior. Also bring it up with him after each meeting something happens - not as a question but as a direct statement of you said x, it was unacceptable for y reasons, and I expect better. So he’s not surprised when he gets an underperforming review for this behavior.
AnonymousDecember 19,2022 at 1:23AM UTC
Thank you everyone for the great suggestions. I feel more confident that I am not imagining things. It will be challenging since he has good reputation with others and my boss likes him, but I will focus on praising others on my team, responding back appropriately and calling out inappropriate criticism if I see it. He is applying in the company to other departments to get a promotion, he doesn't want lateral move.
Grace SkaggsDecember 19,2022 at 7:10PM UTC
https://open.spotify.com/episode/0HHSgFQwu6XlrXityQyZcV?si=3ddf4c6730d24fd5 - There's a really good part in here about company culture and if it's worth keeping an employee that is good at their job, but not good for the culture. Definitely worth a listen!
Dcre1977December 22,2022 at 2:32PM UTC
So he gives solid work, he just does not respect you. You can self reflect and determine why he does not respect you and work on earning his trust or you can give up and manage him out and just surround yourself with people who you think respect you.
AnonymousDecember 22,2022 at 11:11PM UTC
Not respecting does not excuse unprofessional behavior like the comments he makes to me, backhand stabbing during meetings rather than approaching me first one on one. Also, he does not seem to respect his colleagues either. The more I think about it, I have to be firmer to call out his inappropriate behavior right away rather than giving him the benefit of the doubt. I might have tolerated it too long.
Dcre1977December 23,2022 at 9:21PM UTC
I did not see any comment that was unprofessional. You not appreciating a comment does not make it unprofessional.
Respect is a two way street. If you are not showing him respect, it can cause resentment which affects his behavior toward you and others.
As I said, you can self reflect , or you can push him out.
AnonymousDecember 25,2022 at 1:28AM UTC
Yes, constant putting down his coworkers and manager should not be tolerated. But document everything to be able to show pattern.