Is there a place for aggressive direct women in this world?

35 Comments

1. AnonymousMay 10,2024 at 2:10PM UTC

   There's being "no nonsense -- aggressive " then there's being classy.

   Both can obtain the same results....although niceness PROBABLY will score bonus points.

   Kill them with kindness.

2. AnonymousMay 10,2024 at 2:17PM UTC

   Self employed business owner. There is not room in corporate.

3. AnonymousMay 10,2024 at 2:29PM UTC

   What is your actual role? And why are you not in engineering anymore?

   Direct is fine. Straight forward is fine. Being aggressive and abrasive? That will likely be your downfall. No, you don't have to be a people pleaser, nor an ass kisser, or whatever. You don't have to be friends with your coworkers, separating work and personal is fine (and I'd prefer if more did that). Being aggressive and abrasive will have people labeling you as a bully. You will get a reputation as being difficult to work with. You may be seen as lacking EQ.

   I know what I just stated above isn't the answer you are looking for but I think you may struggle a bit in finding your way with some of the traits you describe.

4. Julie EMay 10,2024 at 3:34PM UTC

   Honestly, I would take classes in emotional intelligence and learn how to work better with people. Or go back to engineering. Whatever you do, don’t go into management until you improve your people. I’ve encountered people like you’re describing yourself as and no offense, you’re miserable to work with. You can’t force people to do the impossible and if you do, they will quickly find ways to not work with you. I think it’s great to be assertive, as long as it doesn’t cross over into obnoxious. Find that balance and you can become unstoppable. You need the people skills though if you want to be successful in the corporate world.

5. AnonymousMay 10,2024 at 3:48PM UTC

   Agreed. I have had excellent roles and HORRIBLE management. The world will NOT end if Susie is on vacation and doesn't answer back for a week- and I'm a 45h a week person. And do NOT say it's my problem she's out.

   Please PLEASE DON'T manage people. Dictatorship does not belong in the office- life is hard enough

6. Amanda HaasMay 10,2024 at 4:20PM UTC

   I have dealt with similar people in my career. They come off as a bully and somebody to avoid. Funny enough was that I worked at a museum in which engineers would volunteer or be on the board. I remember doing oral histories or requesting from them. It was very efficient and I wished they opened that human side of themselves more. It felt like a social uphill battle. I would also recommend checking out the VIA Institute. It was created by the Psychologist behind Positive Psychology. It helps you look at your strengths and what you find fulfilling.

7. AnonymousMay 10,2024 at 7:34PM UTC

   I am newer to the work force but unless u want to be a CEO how ur perceived by coworkers does matter. I think their might be a bit of an extra layer of judgement from women bc I think they would hope that you could be a bit more of a leader for women, in terms of supporting one another. As someone who was the smartest in my class and could get away with some personality flaws as a student, I would say in the work place I’ve had to work on myself. I think accepting that I have to put people first has been a hard lesson for me. I am in a technical field and saw ability and performance as being more important than taking care of people/validating others when I started. I think now that I’ve had some exposure working for terrible ppl, I realize how important it is to put ppl first. I look back on my college work experiences and realize how immature I was. Yes, being good at your job is important but uplifting those around you is even more so. I’ve had to work on myself and really do a rethink on how I am as a leader and coming across in general. I think maybe just explore that option of self growth first. Women will always take more allies, I think you will be surprised how ppl can forgive past behavior when they see that ur trying to be better. Don’t count urself out yet.

8. Hope FulMay 11,2024 at 10:56AM UTC

   You do not sound like a nice person to work with: aggressive and abrasive. What the heck!?! Sounds like you should go and be a drill sergeant somewhere and let those with empathy work in the healthcare field.

9. AnonymousMay 11,2024 at 12:47PM UTC

   Work for yourself. Blind ambition can be highly effective running your own business.

10. AnonymousMay 11,2024 at 1:16PM UTC

    First of all, congratulations on your self-awareness. That said, I will echo what some of the others have said. Try to put yourself in someone else's shoes for a while. Management has enough of the "my way or the highway" type of managers, so kudos for understanding that you would likely not be accepted well there. One of the most important things you should be trying to learn is the difference between opinions and facts. Facts are important, but someone stuck in the "facts" leaves no room for innovation. Opinions (like is there a better way to do this?) do.

    Fact: This has always worked.

    Opinion: Doing it this way may be faster and cheaper.

    Don't get stuck in your head and mindset. Learn to try new things. Step out of your comfort zone now and then. If you want something where you don't answer to anyone, and only your opinion counts, you can start your own business, but unless you are the only one working there, you will still have to figure out how to work with others and listen to their ideas. You may even have to compromise occasionally, and I sense it will be hard for you.

11. AnonymousMay 11,2024 at 1:50PM UTC

    People don’t like directness. In most places things are sugarcoated. I’m direct so sometimes it doesn’t go over well especially being a women. I see men be direct all the time and it’s a non issue. I’ve learn to be direct but have to soften my edge a bit (so yup sugarcoated) to get people to be open to me. As a women it’s the world we live in and it’s not changing anytime soon. It’s all about delivery. I try to get the point across with gentleness but I’m also very honest and I like the same in return as I hate when people beat around the bush as this is confusing and can be misunderstood. I think life is all about relationships whether you work for yourself or someone else you have to EQ which is of ourselves and how we impact the world around us, both are equally important.

12. Rae Charlton WagonerMay 11,2024 at 2:27PM UTC

    There’s nothing wrong with being assertive, clearly-spoken, and direct in business, particularly in healthcare which is often staffed predominantly by women. Being concise and factual with healthcare information could very well save lives.

    Being aggressive (your word) is for salespeople, and I can’t think of a time that being abrasive (also your word) would be the most effective communication technique in a business setting.

    Say what you mean, mean what you say… but don’t say it mean.

    The way your post is worded doesn’t seem that there’s room (or desire) for change or improvement on your part. It reads as “this is how it is, this is how I am, like it or not.”

    One can solve problems, be efficient and direct, and remain neutral without being a people pleaser. But I think that to be in any sort of leadership role that involves interaction with people, you may need to do some work on how you present information.

    I applaud your self-awareness in knowing that you’re direct and that it’s a turn-off, and I think you’ll find it easier to make sure that YOU are not coming across as a battle axe than to demand that the rest of the world suddenly accept what sounds like a dry and perhaps unkind way of presenting information.

    Further, you’re 100% right that the way you communicate is likely VALUED in engineering (which is historically male-dominated), whereas it’s not accepted in most other sectors.

    I also see that you love your patients, staff, and physicians, so if you’re being compensated well, it may be worth the effort to work on your communication style to remain and/or advance in this role.

13. AnonymousMay 13,2024 at 12:35PM UTC

    One of the largest groups I support (corporate HR for an automotive supplier) is engineers. And I'm not so sure it's accurate this style of communication is valued with engineers. It has taken me a few years to get used to working with engineers...definitely a different animal, and one I have grown to appreciate - but I can't really say they are aggressive, abrasive, etc. Direct, maybe. But the rest? Nah. Although I wish the lone female I have in this department had a bit of this.

14. TinaMay 11,2024 at 2:29PM UTC

    Given your straightforward, assertive approach and strong problem-solving skills, you might thrive in roles such as project management, operations management, IT, or consulting, particularly within the technology sector. These areas appreciate direct communication and efficiency, focusing less on people-pleasing and more on achieving tangible results. Additionally, roles in crisis management, compliance, risk management, or entrepreneurship could be ideal, as they demand a high level of decisiveness and the ability to enforce standards without ambiguity. These fields value the ability to be direct and confrontational when necessary, making them well-suited to your skill set and approach

15. AnonymousMay 11,2024 at 2:37PM UTC

    New York or Boston!

16. AnonymousMay 11,2024 at 4:01PM UTC

    As a person who is not aggressive, not abrasive and definitely is a people pleaser, I think you would be very happy as a lawyer. I am a lawyer, and if I had those traits of aggression and not being a people pleaser, I might’ve had an easier time of it. You will of course need to be solicitous when dealing with judges and clients however, an engineering background and a healthcare background can plug in very well with medical malpractice, patent, law, etc. you may have difficulty dealing with legal staff and paraprofessionals and law clerks. In those situations, they do expect you to be a mentor a teacher and “get along“ however, if you’re making money for your firm and your clients are happy, that’s the bottom line. I’m not encouraging abusive behavior or mistreatment of coworkers or people you manage.

17. Dee FortenberryMay 11,2024 at 5:18PM UTC

    Are you an enneagram 8?
    I am an 8w7, so I am known for my directness. I don't sugarcoat anything and expect the same from others, similar to you. I can't stand it when a person is not upfront with me. I'd rather you hurt my feelings, rather than lie to me.

    Ok, so that being said, I've had to work on my flaws over the past decade or so. People still say I'm intimidating, but I try to make up for that by using my social skills. I love people and I love talking, so speaking to others around me daily and bringing sweets and goodies to the office for everyone to enjoy is what I am known for. That way, they get to see the human side of me. I can't talk to everybody all the time, but I choose a person or two every now and then to spend 5-10 mins talking about what's going on in their life that's interesting or upsetting, etc. This makes people feel valued that you took the time to listen. I'm sure this comes from my time being a high school teacher.

    So, I may rub someone the wrong way for some reason (often without me knowing unless they tell me), and then the next week, I am telling that person how amazing they look and giving them their favorite candy bar. They may be slightly mad at me and left confused by my gesture, while I genuinely have no idea what I did wrong. I'm speaking from experience lol.

    If you want to work in a corporate setting, it's possible to get along with virtually anyone, despite all the traits you listed above. You just have to soften it up by doing nice things and having a conversation or two with your coworkers, etc. I think project management would be a great fit.

    My advice, though, is to go ahead and start your business on the side. People like us thrive best when we're the boss running our own business(es). However, as the businesses get bigger, we will have to effectively communicate with employees/vendors/partners, so working on those people skills will always be important! I'm STILL working on my skills.! I hope you find what you're looking for!

18. AnonymousMay 11,2024 at 5:38PM UTC

    Someone with your traits may be good at law enforcement, particularly in corrections. I also agree with the post that mentioned Drill Sargeant. I might also consider analyst or risk management type positions, since fact finding is such an integral part of those jobs. I suggest consulting with a recruiter or taking a Myers Riggs personality assessment for a more structured approach to finding a fit that's right for your workplace persona.

    I pick up on your frustration about playing to favorites and you acknowledge to some extent that your job does require people skills but maybe don't call it quits there just yet and see if there's an opportunity to transfer.

19. Denise LevineMay 11,2024 at 8:28PM UTC

    Change your thoughts from "aggressive" to "assertive".

    Also, simply taking a communications course might help you BE assertive and have your suggestions heard.

20. OLIVIA JOHNSONMay 11,2024 at 9:13PM UTC

    Hi there!
    This is a great question. Happy to say that you can pretty much work anywhere. The challenge may not be your work style, personality type or skill set but just finding the job/company/team where you feel at home. This could be found in any job title, industry. There are ways to assess this in interviews, etc. but there isn't a specific job where only one type of person is selected. For example, there are nice restaurant critics and there are really mean ones and both have made their way in the field. Now if YOU think that there are gaps in your workstyle, skill sets, etc. then I would agree with one of the commenters below and pursue some training in those areas. Hope this helps!

21. AnonymousMay 11,2024 at 11:04PM UTC

    Probably not working with people.
    But sure if you are smart and skilled as you are aggressive there will be a path for you.

22. AnonymousMay 12,2024 at 12:36PM UTC

    You can be assertive (NOT

    aggressive) and succeed, as long as you’re not so attached to your own ideas that you can’t hear anyone else. And humility—and finesse—go a long way toward putting you in a position to achieve success.

    (Source: me, after more than 40 years in a specialized, not traditionally “female” industry. )

23. AnonymousMay 12,2024 at 12:43PM UTC

    I’m not abrasive, but called out some things that was wrong or didn’t add up. They found a way to get rid of me twice. I would say pick your battles. Stand for what is right and document everything. I’m still considered rehireable.

24. fduntvMay 12,2024 at 12:43PM UTC

    My communication style tends to be direct and assertive but I don’t see that as being aggressive.
    It’s helpful to be direct in many types of jobs, such as when giving instructions to others as a teacher/officer/technical lead/some other type of leader. People like me often misinterpret ambiguous or indirect communication. Also, reconsider how you are describing yourself, or your communication style, from a different perspective. The word “Aggression” implies that someone is threatening and wants to fight or hurt someone else. Is that really what you mean when describing how you interact with others?

25. Kristie WhiteMay 12,2024 at 1:32PM UTC

    This is my style as well and I am often at odds with those who dislike it. At the end of the day, the more power you have - the easier it is to be yourself. But I have also learned this style can be ineffective when you are trying to coach, facilitate change, or lead others. Unless you do all of the work yourself, you’re going to need other humans. I would suggest you decide what you want - to be a project manager or to be a leader. Then learn how to tailor your communication style to fit your goals.

26. AnonymousMay 12,2024 at 1:58PM UTC

    Ive been a construction manager of large scale projects for 25 years and I understand the position you’re in, Overall, it’s been my likability, proficiency, and transparency that has brought me the most success.
    Only in rare cases have I had to pull out the authoritative side which by the way is considered “old school” and most people will not be okay with that approach in today’s work force as perhaps Baby Boomers and GenXrs, since that approach is more familiar to that demographic. Even as such, not all will be okay with that.

    I would really encourage that you focus on working on your soft skills. Coming off “too hot” especially w stronger personalities, will result in triggering behaviors and cause colleagues to be combative rather than cooperative towards you which is not what being a good leader is about.

27. Rae WagonerMay 13,2024 at 12:42PM UTC

    This is a great answer, and a far better answer to OPs actual question than mine was.

28. AnonymousMay 13,2024 at 12:48PM UTC

    What are the qualifications for patient advocate?

29. Diane Frances Lesley-NeumanMay 13,2024 at 3:33PM UTC

    Management, but for management you need to please and manipulate people.

30. AnonymousMay 13,2024 at 4:19PM UTC

    Management shouldn't be an avenue to change your leaderhsip style, it should be a continuation of how you lead now when you're not in a leadership role. You need to work on how your team and leaders will be perform and if they're not responding to your style, it's an opportunity for you to adjust your style. Being straight forward does not equate to be aggressive. If this what you feel, then please don't go into management.

31. AnonymousMay 13,2024 at 9:23PM UTC

    All managers are not leaders. Many know how to manage but don’t know how to lead.

32. AnonymousMay 14,2024 at 12:10PM UTC

    Agree, same as not all chefs should own their own restaurants. SO important to have a GREAT manager to take the vision and manage, that is not always a leader.

33. AnonymousMay 13,2024 at 6:21PM UTC

    Patient advocates do not "tell insurance companies where to get off." Their role is typically to support the patient and/or family with concerns about treatment or care delivery or access to care. The Patient Advocate Foundation is a good source for information about this career. https://www.patientadvocate.org/

34. JJMay 14,2024 at 12:07AM UTC

    You said aggressive and direct, then straightforward. Those words all mean different things. If you are confident in your abilities and truly do not care how people feel, then you should be comfortable where you are. If it makes you uncomfortable that you make others uncomfortable then it likely is impacting your career. I have worked in tough industries and a few people can be difficult and get ahead. Most have to learn the EQ side of management.

35. MislynMay 16,2024 at 7:16PM UTC

    You can be direct and straight forward without it being rude or taken wrong. It’s all in how you deliver your response. If your over the top take charge then maybe that could be an issue. Just don’t undermine people and talk in a harsh tone and you should be okay. I’m direct and to the point also. I have a determination and drive that others find a bit controlling but that’s just how I am. If I want something I get it or do it. Some don’t like it but others really appreciate it.