The person you're dating makes way more than you...

Anonymous

June 3,2019 at 7:00PM UTC

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Have you ever been in the situation where the person you're dating makes way more money than you? Do you still split things evenly? Did you talk about it?

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Emma RogersJune 3,2019 at 7:51PM UTC
Always talk about it! Financial conversations can be a little awkward especially if there is a large income gap, but it's so important to talk about it before it becomes a huge issue. Be honest with your partner about your financial goals and what your limits are (for example, treating you to an expensive meal may be fine, but your partner offering to cover your phone bill may feel weird). Everyone views money differently!
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TiffanyJune 3,2019 at 8:49PM UTC
One key thing is to make sure that you set aside money that is not shared. Financial abuse is often not talked about as a form of relationship abuse and sometimes we don't recognize it right away when it's happening. Don't give all the financial power to your partner who makes more than you!
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Robyn WickJune 5,2019 at 2:19PM UTC
True, true, true! I see this with a few of my friends. They either stay home or don't make as much money so they think their voice isn't as important where money is concerned. I also worry sometimes that they stay in relationships for financial reasons. As I divorced woman, I know firsthand how important it was and is that I had financial autonomy in my marriage.
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TiffanyJune 7,2019 at 9:44PM UTC
Yes! I am divorced too and even if you never think divorce will happen to you, you just never know. And when it does it will often blindside you. That's when you're at your most vulnerable emotionally and financially. Every woman should have a separate account. If anything, for peace of mind.
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Robyn WickJune 5,2019 at 2:17PM UTC
I'm in a newer relationship (6 mos.), and we tend to split or share costs pretty evenly. Sometimes we both throw in money, sometimes we trade off who pays. We both contribute and it is what works for us. We have some nights where we eat somewhere cheap and quick and others where we order wine and make an evening of it. I think the important part is that no one feels taken advantage of and there aren't expectations for one person to always pay. It is different for each couple, but like the others have said, transparency and honesty about your goals and limits are important.
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BlakeJune 5,2019 at 2:46PM UTC
Dating, but not living together right? I see those as two different ideams. But talk for sure. And don't feel bad as it may not always stay that way.
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Ila DickensonJune 7,2019 at 4:52PM UTC
My boyfriend of almost 5 years makes that crazy tech money, and while I'm making a lot more than I was when we started dating, it's still easily 15% of what he brings home. For the first 8ish months, we split things pretty evenly. When we started getting more serious and talking about moving in together, we had a frank discussion about what that means for us and how we can look out for both of us long term. That meant me moving into his condo and paying down debt instead of paying rent. He also owns the car I daily drive. I've always been financially very independent, growing up very poor and occasionally homeless.
I also got out of a very abusive relationship a few years ago where my then-husband regularly threatened to cut off my cell phone service (the only bill he paid of mine) every time he got ticked off. I'm hyper sensitive to that possibility, which I also talk about with my boyfriend.
We talk about everything. I drive like a granny and I tell him it's because the car isn't mine. He pays for the house, cars, and most of the household bills, but he'd rather do all of that then step foot for even one minute in a grocery store, so I buy all groceries. I like to splurge on vacation items sometimes (wine tours or whatever) and I'll pay for that stuff because he buys flights and hotel. He bought the RV but I pay for our stays in RV parks.
Seriously, talk about it. It's awkward at first, but so liberating when you can tell your partner when you need help (like when I desperately wanted to quit my job and needed to ask for support in case it took longer than expected to find a new job) or when you're doing awesome and want to splurge (when I got a raise and wanted to take us out). We talk about how our spending reflects how we show love (love languages style), and we split stuff in a way that makes not only financial sense but also sense based on everything else in our relationship.
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