What should I do?

74 Comments

1. AnonymousMarch 28,2024 at 2:50PM UTC

   You can either quit immediately or set about showing him what you are truly capable of.

2. AnonymousMarch 28,2024 at 3:12PM UTC

   I like this one, and the next time he looks stuck on something on his screen, step in and show him how to do it!!

3. AnonymousMarch 28,2024 at 3:35PM UTC

   Well, yeah, that WAS a very ageist comment that stereotypes older adults. IMO it speaks volumes about your employer’s culture and values. I would say something to him - politely - before reporting it. Especially as a new employee.

   There is a fantastic Ted talk by Ashton Applewhite, an ageism expert. Depending on your relationship you might be able to email him the link with a comment like “I thought you might be interested in this information about older workers, it’s cool!”

   Remember, if you’re over 40 you’re supposed to be legally protected from workplace discrimination due to age. I would tread carefully if you’re brand new employee until you get a sense of how things are.

   I also encourage you to document these incidents on the day they occur - ie when you get home from work send yourself an email (using a personal computer/device and personal email) stating the day and time of the incident, describing what was said, what precipitated it, how you felt, and if it affected your ability to do your job. The advantage of doing this is you have a “time stamped” record of incidents.

   You may never do anything with these emails but if something ever happens down the road - and his idiotic comment tells me it is likely - you can go back and point to a pattern of inappropriate comments/behaviors.

   On a personal note, years ago, I experienced intense sexual harassment in the workplace, I spoke to my boss, HR, and a board member and was treated like the Woman Who Can’t Take A Joke, despite the fact that the the comments were not funny, but crude, vulgar, and humiliating.

   An attorney friend advised me to begin documenting. When things escalated - I was expected to travel to out of town meetings with my harasser who would “joke” about how much fun he was going to have with me “once I get you alone.” I finally quit and hired a lawyer.

   Management tried to make it sound like I was crazy and misinterpreted the comments. Their attorneys said I had no case, that it was my word against his. When my documentation was presented - which included direct quotes from other staff about Jim (he had actually driven another woman to a breakdown) - it brought them to their knees.

   I wasn’t in it for millions. I just wanted to move on and have the time and space to heal and find a new job. We settled for 2x my annual salary which was in the six figures. Without my detailed documentation, they wouldn’t have settled.

   I am not suggesting you sue your employer, but if things ever do escalate it’s helpful to have documentation.

4. marcia wilburMarch 29,2024 at 12:08PM UTC

   Yeah, so when the company I worked for in a full-time position, was in the red, they decided to cut employees.
   No severance, nothing. Duly noted all cut employees were older with six figure salaries. If I would’ve had even one comment about ageism, at least I would’ve gotten a check to survive between jobs. Report it. As a woman in tech, as a developer and a senior, I admonish you to please report it.

5. Christi LopezMarch 29,2024 at 1:26PM UTC

   Documentation is EVERYTHING. And it doesn't have to be just for situations like this. I keep my Outlook calendar current and color code projects so that I can tell at a glance what offices/departments are getting my time. I have a folder where I keep every "great job," "you rock," "we owe you" email. All of this documentation helps when completing my annual performance evaluation. I make a point of leaving detailed notes in those evaluations. It's always better to have documentation and not need it than to not have it and wish you did.

6. AnonymousMarch 28,2024 at 3:40PM UTC

   I disagree. He’s being ageist. Would you say he’s just “trying to be an Alpha male” if he’d said something like, “Gee, I thought all Asian women were good with computers.” It’s straight up discrimination and if he’s saying it that probably means the company is OK with it.

7. AnonymousMarch 28,2024 at 6:26PM UTC

   Why didn't you say, well that did sound ageist boss. Not in an argumentive but just as a fact. Why so many people struggle to respond in the moment, is a mystery. If you don't say something to boss why expect any change. Say something.

8. Cariad WoodardMarch 28,2024 at 7:59PM UTC

   My advice as a certified HR professional: Depends on the design of the organization. If the HR person has an open door policy, than you might be better off going directly to them with your complaint.

   If you have a working relationship with your supervisor's direct upline manager, start there.

   Without more context about the culture of the company, it's hard to give sound advice.

9. AnonymousMarch 28,2024 at 8:05PM UTC

   Lots of valid options, it's really up to you what you're comfortable with and how well you think he or HR would respond. Just going off of this, me personally, I'd probably first try to have a direct conversation with him letting him know pretty much what you state here.. that even though he said he didn't intend to, the comment did come off as having a bias and has made me worry if there's any other underlying assumptions but that I hope he will continue to ask me questions about my work interests and skills and allow me to dispell any preconceived notions he may have knowingly or unknowingly.

10. AnonymousMarch 28,2024 at 9:03PM UTC

    This! I'm all for standing up for yourself but it's not clear what the circumstances were, what the supervisor's personality is like, how he would respond, and if it could compromise the OP's employment. It's hard enough for older women to find meaningful jobs AND getting off on the wrong foot on day one at a new job can leave a woman very vulnerable.

11. AnonymousMarch 29,2024 at 10:40AM UTC

    He's an idiot. Let it go.

    SHOW what you are capable of and leave more drastic issues for HR if needed.

12. AnonymousMarch 29,2024 at 10:42AM UTC

    Agreed 100%. He's a jerk and it's NOT worth getting let go, let alone running to HR for.

13. AnonymousMarch 29,2024 at 12:04PM UTC

    We don't live in that world anymore, the more people cling the more things stay the same and that hurts us all. We can't expect to speak up alone, it's doing so much harm than good. It's now a part of the problem.

14. AnonymousMarch 29,2024 at 12:05PM UTC

    Agree! We don't live in that world anymore, the more people cling the more things stay the same and that hurts us all. We can't expect to speak up alone, it's doing so much harm than good. It's now a part of the problem.

15. April LineMarch 29,2024 at 12:15PM UTC

    Just dont work there.

16. Just MeMarch 29,2024 at 12:18PM UTC

    What a lousy thing for him to say to u . First of all that’s just offensive and secondly how does he know how old you are ? Could be 20 test’s younger

17. AnonymousMarch 29,2024 at 12:34PM UTC

    I wouldn't report it. I will, however, keep it it mind. Reporting will make things worse I feel.

18. Rashida GovanMarch 29,2024 at 12:52PM UTC

    I'd document it personally with date , location, context and details. If your supervisor said it without. hesitation, they probably are inappropriate in general.

19. Vivian Chern ShnaidmanMarch 29,2024 at 12:53PM UTC

    I am really shocked that he said that. Can you drop an anonymous note to HR as if you "overheard" it? I think that the term "not to sound ageist" is extremely ageist and rude. How old are you, 100? I am 61 and had geometry with computers in ninth grade when I was 13. These younger people have to get over themselves and their arrogance.

20. bradford mccormickMarch 31,2024 at 8:27AM UTC

    Respectfully, "dropping an anonymous note to HR as if you 'overhear'" or something like that may not be a good idea. If a person does something like that and gets found out, wouldn't that be very bad for them? Very bad for them, yes?

21. bradford mccormickMarch 29,2024 at 1:09PM UTC

    I would NOT report this to your supervisor's boss or HR. As you say, that LIKELY would lead to reprisal. It's not actionable and he even said it "gingerly". But it does trouble you.

    You might want to have an informal little private talk with him, saying you keep thinking about this. Say to him that you do enjoy working with the computer and you want to contribute as much as possible to the success of your organization and did he have any concerns or thoughts for you.

    You need to watch to see if he IS doing anything discriminatory to you or that is hindering your career. It all depends on what kind of person he is and the present posting does not give information one way or another.

    Don't hurt yourself by overreacting but maybe you do need to get back to him for some clarification to "clear the air"? If you do it well you might even enlist him to help you?

22. R.A. AndrewsMarch 29,2024 at 1:36PM UTC

    His comment was ageist and offensive, and you should document the date and time and context and the words that were said, along with your external and internal reactions. It is possible that ageism is accepted at this workplace. Take a wait and see approach while documenting any other instances, but do not go to HR unless and until a clear pattern has been established. And if and when it has, you may want to start looking for another workplace. My experience as someone who just turned 60 is that ageism runs deep and wide. Young people, particularly men, tend to dismiss older adults with ease, particularly older women. It is a loss for both the young and the old when this happens. Long term unemployment is a real problem for adults over 50 today, so avoid unemployment to the best of your ability if this is your age bracket, unless you have a high demand skill set.

23. Barb HansenMarch 29,2024 at 4:41PM UTC

    The comment was offensive. Don't you love it when people say "Not to be <insert offensive category>, but <insert offensive comment>"

    Beyond some of the excellent suggestions in the comments below, I would have some canned responses ready for the next comment from this person...

    "Well, you know, they just started letting us use pens and paper a few years ago, so I thought I'd upgrade to a computer. Shocking progress, isn't it?"

    "Oh, absolutely. It's miraculous, really. I managed to learn how to use a computer despite my age. Next, I'm planning on mastering fire and inventing the wheel."

    "Yes, it's part of my charm. I like to live on the edge, you know? Next thing you know, I'll be sending emails and using the internet. Wild times!"

    "Oh, definitely. It's all part of my undercover mission to blend in with the youth. I'm actually 107 and thriving. The computer helps maintain my cover."

    "I'm full of surprises. Next, I'm considering shocking the world by learning to use a smartphone. Imagine that, a woman of my age texting!"

24. AnonymousMarch 30,2024 at 7:51PM UTC

    Sarcasm could work, but with someone you barely know I'd tread more lightly.

25. AnonymousMarch 29,2024 at 5:08PM UTC

    You definitely need to manage your manager. Sit him down let him know what motivates you. Best is to write it into a document that is live and that you and he can refer to. You can call it the manual for managing my work. Let him know that as a professional woman commentary about what you like that is negative is de-motivating and then repeat what he said to you. Then tell him that you were taken aback by what he said and that your age has zero to do with the quality of your work. Then let him know what does motivate you and how to do it, give him an example from the past if you can. Memorialize the conversation after you have it with him in an email and let him know that you are excited to work in collaboration with him to achieve the success you both want for yourselves and the company. Note that making it upbeat and not accusatory through the conversation is going to train him on what you need. Being new to the relationship on both sides you are in the getting to know you phase and need to assure professional respect both ways. This should solve it and you should not be afraid to have this chat with him to set expectations going forward. Then drop it. If it happens again you have the history and can make something of it. For now just consider this an ignorant fumble.

26. AnonymousMarch 30,2024 at 7:49PM UTC

    Bossing around the boss usually backfires. I would never "sit him down," since he's the one in power. Your advice is overkill for a one-off statement. Simply responding that women have been using computers since the 1950s could be enough to educate him.

27. AnonymousMarch 31,2024 at 12:45AM UTC

    I never said boss him around. Reread my comment which is intended for him to understand her, period. Sitting someone down to talk is simply that. Nothing more, she does need to educate him in a professional way especially if she is going to stay there. My advice is sound for someone who is intending to work with someone and not saying what you suggest which could be taken as a rude comment.

28. April LineMarch 29,2024 at 6:06PM UTC

    Yeah--I reread the post after I made the comment, somehow I'd missed that she already started working there.

    But--and this is a big but--in my experience, things like this are usually indicative of bigger problems, first supervisors thinking it's OK to make these kinds of comments, and then making them with new people who aren't familiar with tone/culture, etc. Not that it's *ever* ok to joke about people's ages, but I could see a universe in which there's some kind of culture of gentle ribbing in that office where these things have been known to fly.

    And, this person wrote in their comment, "I'm afraid of..." Healthy cultures don't make you afraid of anything. In healthy workplaces, bosses are mature enough to be bosses and don't go around giving people the sense that one tiny wrong move will get them canned or retaliated against.

    So I think I'm gonna stand by my initial take. Start looking for a job. I'd go to HR over this person's supervisor, but you should go with your gut on that one b/c you're in the sitch.

29. AnonymousMarch 29,2024 at 8:25PM UTC

    Um, no, that may be how YOU understood my comment but it's not what I meant. Maybe you haven't been the new person at work in a while? I've seen male managers and other women behave in savage ways to new female employees. Hopefully, that is not the case for the OP. Ageism sucks and I always urge self-advocacy. It can be so challenging for older women to find work. It's also not clear how long OP has been with the company. I suggest getting a sense of the company's culture and values before speaking to HR or getting into with the supervisor.

    Given the ignorance of the comment it's likely that the company may not be DEI-friendly and has not provided diversity training (which would include ageism), therefore the OP might want to look for a new job sooner than later.

30. AnonymousMarch 30,2024 at 12:27AM UTC

    My honest opinion: if this was a coworker, I would document and let it go.

    Since this is your supervisor, my best advise is move to a different department within the company (and document, timestamp as commenters said below). He cannot objectively evaluate your performance, after the blatant bias he verbalized - imagine what else is swimming in his head. He is unlikely to advocate for you, and those are the most important conversations (the ones you're not present at). If this is pervasive culture across the company, start looking at a different company. I would definitely document, and date stamp, as suggested in the comments below, but I've found that when there is deep bias, in my personal experience, it takes a deep toll on my mental health, and no matter how well I perform, I was pigeonholed into the smallest projects, and never given an opportunity to actually showcase my skills. Not to mention that if you actually prove him wrong, his ego will be beyond damaged. I would expect something very similar in this situation. I've noticed that within 3-4 months, the mental health effects start to show up with increased anxiety, restlessness, and burnout. I would also advise you to find a mentor inside and/or outside the organization, as well as a therapist if and when this toxicity starts to affect your health. This is serious! HR may not have enough to take action, but you do. Do not underestimate the impact of a manager on your life and health. Take it as a serious accident that you survived, but the road will continue being slippery ahead. And while this may be just a remark, it's coming from a person who knows he holds power over your career, and financial stability, and is fully aware (and trained) on what not to say. The next time he makes a prejudiced move, you may not see the effects on your career until it's way too late. I urge you to take action now.

31. AnonymousMarch 30,2024 at 12:28PM UTC

    HR won’t spend a single minute trying to find this new employee a job in a different department because her boss said something off color. What the boss said wasn’t right but it doesn’t rise to the occasion of an immediate department switch. Let’s get reasonable about our recommendations.

    To your point, though, the OP could start to look at time in role needed to switch jobs. At my org, it’s a year for new hires.

32. AnonymousMarch 30,2024 at 4:27PM UTC

    I wasn't suggesting that HR will do anything, in fact I stated that in my comment, "HR may not have enough to take action, but you do". The onus is on the OP to seek a better situation for herself and not to stay complacent with this manager, wasting her time and energy.

33. AnonymousMarch 30,2024 at 12:29PM UTC

    Idiotic comment.
    But as others have suggested document. Won’t be the last biased comment you hear from this clod. The person below who commented it’s not actionable is incorrect. It most definitely is &amp; I work in HR.

34. GirlBossanova934974March 30,2024 at 12:48PM UTC

    Unlike many here on this thread, I would NOT get too upset or offended here. I am 61 years old myself and have had a 40 year career in the Tech space. This is just a statement of ignorance by your new supervisor. That's it. We have to be very candid here. Our society and work place have become more and more TRIBAL these days. With tribalism comes stereotypes etc.. It is so bad in many companies that the workforce all looks and sounds alike. It is either all A or all B or all C etc.. So the older employees are thought of computer challenged!!? Because you younger folks spend so much on your phones doing what? NON related work related stuff, right? THOUGHT SO! WITH MORE EXPERIENCE, your new supervisor may change his outlook. It is hard for many these days to realize they are not half as great as they think they are. In my case, I just started a new job in the TECH space. What have these people been doing? 2-3 years behind the times........Oh well. LIVE AND LEARN!

35. AnonymousMarch 30,2024 at 7:47PM UTC

    There are nice but firm ways to correct misperceptions, like saying, oh yeah I've been using computers for 30 years, and I'm definitely not the only one.

36. Cheryl WilburgApril 1,2024 at 6:14AM UTC

    Thank you! I agree with this 200%. Ignorance is not the same as malice. Some people, especially millennial supervisors, say thoughtless things. It's not necessarily something worth getting offended over.

    Work to prove him wrong and enjoy the new job. If more stops stuff is said, then maybe it's an issue. But it's that's it, then just do your thing and prove to him what kind of idiot he is. Oh, and by the way, there are plenty of employees over 50 who hate computer work and make no attempt to hide their dissatisfaction. Maybe that's what he's used to. I've had coworkers younger than myself express their dislike for computer work. Baffles me, but there you are.

    Just be the awesome employee I'm sure you already are and make him eat his words

37. AnonymousMarch 30,2024 at 1:05PM UTC

    Maybe I’m just thick-skinned about it at this point, but……I would shrug my shoulders and say “yeah. I like working with computers. Why not?”.

    And then watch/document him for other similar comments. *Maybe* it was a one-of.

    It’s easier to quietly change minds when you don’t put them on the defensive. I know to some that might sound like I’ve internalized the oppression. I have.

38. fduntvMarch 30,2024 at 1:44PM UTC

    That’s an odd thing to say. Didn’t they hire you to work with computers? Is this an older or younger supervisor? In any case it sounds like they don’t think before they speak. They will probably say similar nonsense again. You might want to call them out on it directly or report him if you feel uncomfortable. Calling out people can be effective. For example, “I’m offended by that comment. Why do you say that?” or something else that you’re comfortable saying. Working with ignorant people as a supervisor can be very frustrating, though.

39. AnonymousMarch 30,2024 at 2:30PM UTC

    Oh, I think technically it’s correct to say that it is internalizing, I start with the idea that “many male supervisors say sexist/ageist/racist/ableist stuff all the time. Theres literally zero incentive for them to do otherwise”. Those are my internalized biases now, thank you world :) But not all, and you never know.

    It’s the world we live in and one just has to do the best work she can within it. Change is possible, it is incremental, it is hardwon. So strap in for a long, bumpy ride. Backwards and in high heels.

40. T SnapMarch 30,2024 at 2:53PM UTC

    Geez man give her a break. You’re being waaay too harsh. His comment actually IS kinda messed up and it’s OK for her to feel offended by it

41. T SnapMarch 30,2024 at 2:55PM UTC

    “Not to sound ageist…” yeah that’s definitely an ageist comment that he’s trying to downplay.

    That guys an asshole I’m sorry he said that to you.

42. AnonymousMarch 30,2024 at 3:03PM UTC

    I would’ve had no problem, saying “not to sound sexist, but I’m surprised a man like you even hires women.“ that’s not someplace I would want to continue.

43. Me!March 30,2024 at 3:19PM UTC

    Document just in case this becomes a trend. I like to take care of these things fast, once someone has exhibited bad behavior. I would have a fast response ready for the next time this happens. Make sure what you say is professional. I find the following to be useful. Repeating the statement back in a questioning way slowly or “why would you say that?” Another option “your right that is ageist” and let your statement sit without any added detail (a discussed face is an added option). Good luck!

44. rgstaffing@bellsouth.netMarch 30,2024 at 4:23PM UTC

    wow.

45. AnonymousMarch 30,2024 at 4:24PM UTC

    You’re not “telling it like it is.” You are being rude to the poster. Just because life is harsh does not mean you should add to it. His comment was both sexist and ageist - and inappropriate for the workplace. She is not asking to file a lawsuit, just asking how to resolve her concern.

46. AnonymousMarch 30,2024 at 4:30PM UTC

    It's not about feeling offended. It's about the limiting beliefs that a supervisor has about her that will limit her career growth. Get real, supervisors matter, and no, you can't just prove them wrong. Most people that display blatant bias don't have the awareness to see things differently, esp if they are in a position of power. Their ego is way too big.

47. AnonymousMarch 30,2024 at 4:39PM UTC

    These situations are uncomfortable, especially at a new job. I’m sad you experienced this at your new job. His comment was inappropriate. Document it. It may be a one-off comment he made out of ignorance or it may be more than that. However, if it happens again in the future you can say something to him like, “if you say I don’t mean to sound ageist but… it probably is…” You can also say, “what makes you think so?” You can also say, “I would hate to think you see age as a problem..” If you feel it’s a pattern, contact HR.

48. AnonymousMarch 30,2024 at 4:59PM UTC

    Not appropriate at all!

    By the way, I didn't know that working on computers was for the young.
    What an ignorant thing to say. That may be the archaic thinking in that company and if so, I would be looking for a new job. Good luck.

49. AnonymousMarch 30,2024 at 7:13PM UTC

    Ugh. Who was operating the computers of the 80s, 90s, and 00s? Zygotes?

50. AnonymousMarch 30,2024 at 7:15PM UTC

    Would it be OK if it was racist or sexist or ableist? Do you know what those are?

51. AnonymousMarch 30,2024 at 7:16PM UTC

    Speak for yourself. And don’t welcome anyone else here because you’re the odd one out. Don’t let the door hit you in the a**

52. AnonymousMarch 30,2024 at 8:47PM UTC

    It's sarcasm.

53. Liz MilneMarch 30,2024 at 11:34PM UTC

    I'd be more offended by the misogyny implicit in his statement, rather than the ageism... But neither are appropriate from a supervisor, ugh...

54. Joan Williams, Senior Talent Acquisition SpecialistMarch 30,2024 at 11:54PM UTC

    That really sucks that that is your new boss's attitude but at least you know what he's thinking.

    I don't know that I would recommend you report this - this is a new job and in many companies, reporting your boss only works out bad for the person doing the reporting.

    I would keep an eye out for future incidents like this - and be ready to respond. I think it would be better if you could handle this between you and him if possible.

    I know it's hard, but try to keep calm and keep emotion out of it. Personally, I find for me that practicing helps me deliver in the manner that I want to - it helps me to be able to keep my emotions in check.

    I would also start documenting immediately. Is this a one time occurrence or a continuing pattern? You want to try to nip this in the bud if possible, because it could effect the projects you're assigned, your growth or promotion opportunities and just the general way you're perceived within the company.

    Congrats on your new position! I hope it works out.

55. AnonymousMarch 31,2024 at 2:59AM UTC

    I would document the comment for your own records, but at this point I wouldn’t turn it in. If it continues then you may need to bring it up.

    it could have been a one off poorly worded comment ..,

56. AnonymousMarch 31,2024 at 3:02AM UTC

    I would use it as a managing my boss moment. Something like, "hey boss, can I talk to you a moment? Do you remember the other day when you said xyz? That was offensive on two accounts. 1st you are implying I am old and that is no way to treat a lady of any age. And 2nd, just because I am a woman doesn't mean I can't be interested in this particular thing. You came off (fill in the blank). Please for your sake do that. " I would be sweet about it but try and get the full meaning across. I would also like others said, document.

57. AnonymousMarch 31,2024 at 9:17AM UTC

    This won’t turn out well for the OP.

58. AnonymousMarch 31,2024 at 11:19PM UTC

    While I can respect this, it might work if it was said in the tone I was hearing in my head. We don't know what that was.

59. AnonymousMarch 31,2024 at 10:43AM UTC

    You should say something to him now (in a nice and respectful way of course)..
    Not saying something will be setting a precedent for him to continue with these ageist comments.

60. AnonymousMarch 31,2024 at 12:42PM UTC

    Everyone has preconceived notions about everyone. Refreshing that your boss is so blatant about his. Good to know where his ignorance begins and you have an opportunity to enlighten him. Lots of people have issues with older folks in the workplace. Our president is 74 year old lady and the young ones are constantly making comments on her age. Similar to what your boss said and it is not perceived as ageism. It is what it is preconceived notions about older people especially ladies being incredibly capable and vibrant well into their senior years. Take it as a compliment and continue to amaze and delight!

61. AnonymousMarch 31,2024 at 4:57PM UTC

    Agree! I'm 68 and in the best shape of my life physically, emotionally, and capable to run circles around my younger coworkers. My boss is 2 yrs younger than me and she has mentioned on more than one occasion how young at heart I am and how much I've brought to the table in terms of exceeding her needs (I'm a Sr. Executive Asst). I stay current with new technology and analytical skills to meet the everchanging workplace and not fall behind newbies. Poster, push past the comment and show him your skills!

62. AnonymousApril 1,2024 at 1:15AM UTC

    Yay you. My boss is an embarrassing 20 years younger than me and soooo old and serious! Gad. His boss , our president is over 30 years older than him and our female Joi de vivre is a constant challenge for this every serious exec. He will be ok but we do not fit any mold.

63. Kathryn BuerMarch 31,2024 at 1:45PM UTC

    Not everything is always so sinister as responses on FGB try to make it sound.
    I get this kind of remark all the time from younger workers - male and female, clients or subordinates. I respond by laughing and saying I have been on the computer and, indeed, on social media since before most of them were born. Then just do your job and move on. Not everyone is out to be "ist", to sabotage you or make your life miserable. Don't do it to yourself by over thinking every dumb remark.

64. AnonymousApril 2,2024 at 7:11AM UTC

    Have been in those shoes, plus in many situations insinuating that being a woman, it is surprising that I know what I know or that my interest are what they are. Handling these remarks with humor is the "secret sauce". It also preserves relationships.

    This next example happened before most of the audience was born: When I told a male college acquaintance that I was majoring in math, he said, "...but you are so normal!" I laughed, and so did he, after he realized the absurdity of the comment. There are places even today where special procedures have to be initiated to update old institutional constitutions with male-centered language. Just laugh it off, as Kathryn Buer has said, and shine. (P.S. I am also a Kathryn, so can't easily hide the fact that I am female!)

    Other organizations I work with that have mostly younger people and are largely run by women result in no issues of this sort. If you don't feel comfortable enough to laugh the stereotypes off, just become associated with one of these.

    Part of experience is developing EQ to be comfortable in different situations, but if you are not yet mature enough in EQ, give yourself a bit of space and grace to develop it more slowly.

65. AnonymousMarch 31,2024 at 2:24PM UTC

    A simple solution to make your life easier: Ignore it, SHOW your talents and live life.

    Not everything is an issue for HR or an employment attorney.

    Start crying wolf now and if a significant issue comes up- maybe nothing to do with you and supervisor (ie FMLA) no one will want to help you.

    Proceed with caution, LET IT GO and be thankful you have an income

66. AnonymousMarch 31,2024 at 8:24PM UTC

    I personally would reach out to HR, because I feel companies need to be aware of the conduct of their employees. But I also wouldn’t want to work there knowing this is the type of person in charge.

67. Eloisa JacintoMarch 31,2024 at 8:44PM UTC

    It may even have been a poorly-worded compliment. Who knows? So there is no reason to raising hell about it. It is a good thing that he is being open about stereotypes because that can be addressed and disproved. Continue to amaze?

68. Mary PoolMarch 31,2024 at 11:00PM UTC

    Remember Halcon's Razor: "Never attribute to malice
    that which is adequately explained by stupidity." You are new. You are
    also probably in a probationary period. How will reporting this impact your
    ability to stay with the company? You are absolutely right. It was a
    thoughtless, judgmental comment. However, I believe now is the time to focus on your performance. Show your worth, and as you build a rapport with your supervisor, explain how disrespected that comment made you feel.

69. BarbaraApril 1,2024 at 1:10AM UTC

    Exactly! Thanks for the philosophy reminder. Though I thought it was ignorance not stupidity. Either way your advice is spot on!!

70. AnonymousApril 1,2024 at 1:08PM UTC

    That comment was on him, not you. Just move forward and shine. Your respect will speak for itself.

71. Barb HansenApril 2,2024 at 1:29AM UTC

    I don't think my responses are bad at all, although you're entitled to your opinion.

    I never said to respond with a snarl, that would be a terrible suggestion.

    My comments were meant to be said with a smile b/c , to me, my comments were obviously humorous.

    A little bit of light sarcastic humor has always worked for me when I have been doubted because I was a woman in technical careers in my early days and now, I'm occasionally doubted b/c I'm a woman of a certain age in tech.

72. Barb HansenApril 2,2024 at 1:40AM UTC

    You are entitled to your opinion.

    I was sharing a tactic that usually, in fact almost always works for me, that's all. A light sarcastic piece of humor said with a smile. That's how I've navigated hundreds perhaps thousands of subtle and not-so-subtle jabs at my ability throughout my career.

    I want to live in a world where women don't face offensive comments about our abilities but until then, we all are finding our ways to stand up against negative, unknowingly offensive and sometimes truly offensive comments and actions from our colleagues.

    I'm thrilled to see so many comments to the OP to help validate her feelings and give her suggestions to navigate this situation.

    Until the shit stops flowing, there are many paths to available to stop the flow :)

73. AnonymousApril 2,2024 at 7:30AM UTC

    Keep it up, Barb! I have said quite a few similar things in my career (I'm 73), but not quite so clever! I think these younger ones have lost their senses of humor - perhaps an outgrowth of the last few years. I do think, to your points, that it makes a lot of difference how these lines are delivered. So many of these commenters are into to the "fad of the day" that no matter our background, we are being discriminated against. We have truly lost the "iron hand in the velvet glove" approach of bygone generations that gave women a lot of power in ways that were not obvious, also.

    P.S. - I don't swallow the prevailing argument in this thread that this type of remark will lead to unfair evaluations, because if they are written, even Neanderthals know that they can face discrimination charges.

    Finally, I have also found with experience that humor often provides a bridge, especially in long-term relationships.

74. AnonymousApril 2,2024 at 7:32AM UTC

    Just writing these responses does not convey their power when said in an offhand way with a smile and a bit of sarcasm.

    With experience, you find that these often work if you can pull off the attitude behind them.