So I have a dilemma/question...

24 Comments

1. AnonymousJune 23,2023 at 3:54PM UTC

   When you say you don't think you're fit for any of the roles you come across, does this mean you're not even applying for them? Networking helps but it isn't everything. It's just one tool in a whole box of tools.

   In my opinion a big component of "selling yourself" is projecting confidence, even if you don't feel it. It's not quite the same as "fake it 'til you make it" because you don't want to be fake, but you have to trust yourself that you know your stuff and that you can handle these positions. And don't feel like you have to meet 100% of the qualifications to apply to something - you are talented enough to handle what you know and to figure out the rest. It is hard and I had trouble when I was first starting out because of social anxiety and being an introvert. But if you project confidence in yourself, it really works.

2. AnonymousJune 23,2023 at 4:16PM UTC

   I'm applying for the roles I come across, but they're far and few in between because of the confidence issue. I know projecting confidence is a huge help, but its hard when you consistently are comparing yourself to others or don't feel good enough. Like I know I should be confident with my skills and proud of where I am currently, but every time I try I either feel like an absolute imposter or I am two steps towards a panic attack.

   Its gotten a lot worse recently after a series of interviews and rejections. This isn't really a new feeling, I've had it all throughout my MFA program despite graduating and constantly ranking on top. But its never been this bad, and at this point I really just want my confidence back because I know its a key part of looking for employment.

3. Joan Williams, Senior Talent Acquisition SpecialistJune 23,2023 at 11:45PM UTC

   Do you have your resume posted? Some of my favorite jobs have been when the company reached out to me. I don't know that I would have ever responded to their job posting.

   You need to put yourself where recruiters can find you. If you don't have your resume posted, you're doing all the work.

   Help us find you!

   Please let me know if you have any questions.

4. AnonymousJune 23,2023 at 5:01PM UTC

   Have you considered therapy to develop a strategy and learn tools to help you prepare fir social interactions? I would definitely start there.

5. AnonymousJune 23,2023 at 5:09PM UTC

   I would love to do therapy, but I am currently unemployed and my budget doesn't really allow for a lot of wiggle room for medical expenses. I was hoping for a short term solution, and then pursue therapy at a later date once I'm employed and have better health insurance.

6. BeaBoss979975June 23,2023 at 6:18PM UTC

   See if you can find therapy on a sliding scale. I really think it is a first step towards a job. In the meantime, go to the library and look for books on impostor syndrome, etc.

7. Sheryl BrinkleyJune 23,2023 at 6:21PM UTC

   Hello There! I hear you and I see you. What you are describing is challenging and your achievements have prepared you to bring your gifts to the world. However, you indicated that the shyness is getting in the way and I will say that there isn't a 1,2,3 step approach that can be commented here in the chat that will resolve what you are describing. Someone recommended therapy and that is an option, and I will also offer that I am willing to speak with you to listen and provide some perspective on your specific need. If you are open to a conversation, DM me and I will send you a calendar link to meet, no strings attached and free of charge to help with assessing the support that you need to gain the courage to be bold and brave. You can overcome this!

8. AnonymousJune 23,2023 at 6:42PM UTC

   Here's what EVERYONE has to understand: We ALL have levels of imposter syndrome unless we are narcissists, egomaniacs, psychopaths or lack empathy or introspection. It has become routine to define every discomfort as something wrong with us, instead of understanding that feeling unsure, challenged or a bit self conscious is just part of interacting with other human beings.

   By understanding that these are feelings that every normal heathy human being has and not a pathology, you can relax in the knowledge that the interviewer, the recruiter, the hiring manager all have some level of the same self-doubt as you do. It's just human nature. I highly recommend meditation to help not only to understand who you are, but to help you be more present during interactions with others, which in turn makes you less nervous about yourself.

   A quote I repeat to myself multiple times daily: "No regrets, no resistance, no anticipation; just this moment as it is. This is how we live in a state of flow"~ Deepak Chopra

   Namaste

9. AnonymousJune 24,2023 at 6:48PM UTC

   I am not the OP, but I appreciate your response, particularly the suggestion about meditation.

10. AnonymousJune 23,2023 at 7:20PM UTC

    Yes, we get like this because we focus too much on ourselves, questioning everything, how we should respond, how we think we look, what they might think of us, and so on. People do not scrutinize us the way we do ourselves!

    Instead, focus on the other person. Ask them all the questions. If they ask you a question, answer briefly, politely, but move the conversation back to them. People love talking about themselves. They'll love you for providing them that forum.

    A side note: years ago, when I was 21, I visited my grandfather in the nursing home where he was living. I hadn't seen him since I was much younger. and I never really knew him. I was so shy. There was so much I wanted to know about him, so I asked him a lot of questions, I don't recall saying much about myself.

    Later, my father told me that he said I was one of the most interesting people he's ever met! This was a happy accident. I had no idea, but I made it all about him, and that's the secret.

11. Joan Williams, Senior Talent Acquisition SpecialistJune 23,2023 at 11:38PM UTC

    Networking is great. Referrals are awesome. But applying works too. Virtually ALL of the positions I've filled in the last 18 months have been from people who either applied or who I sourced. ONE was a referral. Every company had a referral bonus program and I also ask for referrals.

    If companies were able to fill the majority of their positions by networking, they would not need to employ the teams of recruiters and sourcers and outside agencies who spend all day, every day working to fill their positions.

    Are you sure this is an issue of social anxiety or is it a fear of rejection? Please try not to take things personally. If you apply for a position and they decide to not move you forward in the process, that's nothing personal to you. They're not saying "we don't like you, Anonymous". They're not saying "We don't think you're a good person, Anonymous". They're just saying your skill set or experience is not a fit for this particular job.

    What's the worst that could happen if you apply? They say no? If you don't apply, it's already a no. By not applying, that's you saying no to yourself!

    Only one person gets hired! All the rest of the applicants are going to be rejected just like you. So please don't feel like you're in it alone. If your friend applied and was not moved forward in the interview process, would you think they weren't smart enough or creative enough? I doubt it. Please give yourself the same grace.

    As for your shyness - Toastmasters was made for folks like you. (Please note, I have no affiliation to them)

    "Toastmasters International is a nonprofit educational organization that teaches public speaking and leadership skills through a worldwide network of clubs."

    They give members the opportunity to "practice the skills you need to communicate with confidence and excellence."

    "What do they do at Toastmasters?

    A Toastmasters meeting provides an opportunity and a supportive environment to improve your public speaking, communication, and leadership skills. Meetings are self-run and members work their way through Toastmasters' education program. There's no pressure to participate in your first meeting."

    It looks like membership is $60 for 6 months.

    Please let me know if you have any questions.

    GOOD LUCK!

12. Kelly OMearaJune 24,2023 at 3:11AM UTC

    Hey! Let me know if you want to chat about this stuff. Im always happy to text, slack about work life!

    I’m 40 this year, have landed killer roles in my field, but omg I’ve nearly sabotaged 2 the last two from a combo of these feelings + the shit show that is pandemic mental health outcomes.

    attack that monster. Others suggested therapy — do eeet! CBT is a godsend. Learn how to trick your mind and body to STFU for a second, so you can start living in a place of grace for yourself.

    My therapist also gave me beta blockers, which for some, magically turn off your nervous responses. No face flushing, racing heart. Goes a loooong way in an interview or presentation, esp with new or potential coworkers.

    Last, my request for you: speak to yourself as you would your best fiend. You’d never dream of telling her she might suck at this interview or is inadequate for a role she truly wants. It’s a silly little thing, but listen for those moments and when you hear that negative self-talk, say to yourself *out loud* “don’t talk about my best friend like that”. Snap at yourself, and half a laugh! I’d legit have zero friends or fam if I was as critical and relentless to others.

    and know we are all winging it out here. That helps. xoxo

13. Sami MacKayJune 24,2023 at 12:51PM UTC

    As someone with 40+ years of experience as a nurse and 15+ in clinical research I have sabotaged myself so badly that I can’t even begin to encapsulate in this response. Get counseling! Hire a career coach and realize that somewhere in your life story is the root cause of these feelings. It’s a crazy world out there but do not feel that you are alone, you have so much company in these feelings. Good luck! But definitely go do all the things. And think outside the box to do it, use a close friend as an accountability buddy, ask a previous instructor for mentoring, whatever it takes. Wishing you all the best!

14. AnonymousJune 24,2023 at 1:59PM UTC

    Check out Recovery International. They are a peer self-help network that teaches cognitive behavioral tools you can use to better manage your anxiety and gradually improve your self-perception.

15. AnonymousJune 24,2023 at 2:46PM UTC

    I assume you have a counselor and have been evaluated for possible medication? If not, start there. It’s a game changer.

16. AnonymousJune 24,2023 at 4:27PM UTC

    I would get a therapist to address your social anxiety, anxiety medication and a career coach who will do mock interviews with you. The career services department at your university has free career coaches to do practice runs but I think you will need medication to calm your nerves so you can think clearly and feel confident. I also have social anxiety and beyond grateful that I found the courage to tell a doctor who then put me in contact with a psychiatrist(for medication) and a therapist(for talk therapy).

17. AnonymousJune 24,2023 at 5:36PM UTC

    Do one thing that scares you every day, take notes and after you complete whatever that is write down your emotional thoughts about how it felt, what you did right and what you could have done differently. As for selling yourself, you are not a salesperson. Start out your conversations saying something humble (which you are) like - I am not used to self promotion can I share with you the work that I did and how I did it? I really think my work speak for itself better than me...

    You could also try doing a toastmasters program which is very helpful in getting you out of your shell. You will be in it with others like you going through the same thing. If someone in an interview situation pushes you to "sell yourself" tell them that as a creative that is a genetic flaw you have but you can talk through work that you do and work that you want to do. You got this sister!

18. Maggie StoneJune 24,2023 at 6:56PM UTC

    As a Therapist, I 100% agree with the advice about doing one thing that scares you every day. A therapist can help you navigate this and help address some of the core fears and thinking behind the anxiety.Avoiding things that cause anxiety is a normal tendency, but avoiding things will only keep the cycle going and increase the anxiety over time. I would also recommend that you prepare and rehearse an elevator speech and interview questions with someone you trust (former professors for example). Start with a list of accomplishments. That will increase your confidence. This does get better over time, with support. I promise. :) Good luck

19. AnonymousJune 25,2023 at 12:54PM UTC

    Therapy!

    You already know the rational answer, but some irrational force is holding you back. If you have some issue like OCPD (basically unrealistic perfectionism) you'd need a pro to help you overcome it.

20. Wendy AllanJune 25,2023 at 2:34PM UTC

    I can feel your pain. I have social anxiety too and I am in sales now! I would apply if I were you. I would email and message on LinkedIN if I were you. No actual conversations needed yet. A warm up. Remember - having glowing academic credentials is not enough to get a job. You need to showcase your skills and knowledge. You can do that in writing at first. When you get an interview date, practice with a friend first. This will give confidence. Admit at the interview you are nervous. Most will understand. And getting counselling or coaching to increase your social skills and confidence long term will be helpful. But honestly, the thing that helps me is being authentic, and after having many interviews, many public talks, and many conversations during sales, my social anxiety is better. Not gone. But better. Good luck to you

21. Kanika BaileyJune 25,2023 at 2:54PM UTC

    I am also a person that struggles with networking. One thing that I do is ask questions. When you are introduced to someone or want to meet someone, ask them questions about themselves. People love to talk about themselves. If you go to an event where there's an ice breaker and people talk about themselves, think of a couple follow up questions you can ask the people that are interesting to you. A couple of questions is fine, don't feel like you have to ask several and that should start a good dialogue between you and them.

22. AnonymousJune 26,2023 at 5:24PM UTC

    I completely understand your dilema with presenting yourself. I am in my 60's, have 30+ years of experience in my field, have a couple of degrees, and 2 weeks ago was fired because they do not like how I communicate... I am super sensitive when I am ridiculed, berated, insulted and ... the most debilitating part is I think they are right.

23. Tammy SchmittJune 27,2023 at 12:02AM UTC

    If I may comment, First put away ANY/ALL negative thoughts that are holding you back, get those thoughts OF YOUR HEAD. Really access your accomplishments and think positive, right out how you will respond to interview questions such as "Tell me about yourself" respond with what you know they are looking for in a candidate, i.e gleam key qualifications and skill sets you have that make you qualified for the position.

    Most interviewers use behavioral questions..... "tell me about a time...... use the STAR method

    Situation, Task, Action, Result......

    Look up this guy on YouTube Andrew LaCivita, he as a plethora of videos on interviewing technics and the like...

    I hope this helps. I will pray you can move past your "shyness" and self yourself!

    Best of Luck, YOU GOT THIS!!!!!

24. Monica CalzolariJune 28,2023 at 10:46AM UTC

    Find a headhunter/recruiter who can sell you instead of you selling yourself. Aquent is such an agency that specializes in placing candidates with companies needing creative talent. They get a cut for finding good candidates but the companies pay their commission. I have done temporary assignments for years to get my foot in the door and then your work can speak for itself.