Is boss a narcissist?

31 Comments

1. AnonymousJune 3,2024 at 8:35PM UTC

   I do not think it matters if she is a narcissist or note - what matter is if she is going against company policy or not. I would not trust her any further and I would continue keeping thing extremely professional. If you can find proof, hard copy irrefutable proof of negative gossip - I would ask for a meeting with you, your mutual boss, and her and ask her not to repeat this behavior and that you wish to continue in a professional vein. Done. Quiet. Private. Known to those who should know. That's my advice.

2. AnonymousJune 3,2024 at 8:38PM UTC

   Labels like narcissist and toxic are very hot these days but whether you call it manipulative or narcissistic, this behavior goes against your boundaries that you have explained. So unless she's not very bright, I would think she is absolutely doing all of this on purpose. So you must be fierce with your actions and your verbal language. Whether or not she listens is not your problem. Just rely on being very busy, no small talk and very clear about your personal time. Block her calls when she calls outside working hours, don't answer email and speak up in clear language when she over steps, when she includes others in her comments I would ask that she refrain from doing so because she creates an awkward situation within the team.

3. Rosa GoesJune 3,2024 at 9:33PM UTC

   You mixed business with pleasure and need to draw the line. Or find another job.

4. AnonymousJune 3,2024 at 9:51PM UTC

   Will placing a label on her help you in dealing with this?

5. AnonymousJune 4,2024 at 2:03PM UTC

   Why is she interested in what you do out of the workplace? What right does she have saying you're acting like a fool? Her job as a supervisor is to oversee your work, correct when necessary and encourage you in your capacity as an employee. I don't know about narcissism, but it does sound like she may have some personality problems. Creating an inner circle of associates, criticizing in those terms, interest in your activities off the clock, all these things sound like someone who isn't confident in her position. I personally wouldn't want to work for her. I hope it's possible to transfer.

6. AnonymousJune 4,2024 at 6:55PM UTC

   Narcissism is a personality disorder that only a mental health professional can diagnose. As others have suggested, it also falls on a continuum and is not a binary yes/no answer. Antisocial may be a better term. Narcissists generally lord over everyone, and rather than pick on one or two will berate/bully everyone into submission. While bullying is a narcissistic trait, and it sounds like she is bullying you, it takes more than that to fit the description. I would try to distance myself from her, as it likely won't stop even if you discuss how it makes you feel. She will continue to turn it back on what she perceives as you doing wrong rather than anything she could do better. As others have stated, see if you can transfer, and if that is not possible or too uncomfortable, try finding something outside the company.

7. AnonymousJune 5,2024 at 5:21AM UTC

   This scenario sounds all to familiar! I started a new position and it felt like I was "wisked" away with a group of people and while performing our duties the chit chat comes along. I felt uncomfortable sharing personal details as you know, Noone is your friend at work, wouldn't you know I was placed in a very uncomfortable position almost like hazing, and separated myself from the "in group". To this day, they stare and almost do snarls as I walk by. I also feel like I was introduced to a narcissistic group. They all gossip about everyone, and it is the most uncomfortable environment. Upper management doesn't do anything about it, I feel like I'm in a sport arena and not there for career development, etc with many yrs of work experience, this is the most horrific environment yet!

8. Kirsten BunchJune 5,2024 at 12:40PM UTC

   You are describing some behavior that can be attributed to narcissism. The group “ganging” up on you (if they are) are called flying monkeys. They are people who do the narcissist’s bidding. The behavior of telling you that the group is upset with you can be gaslighting if it’s not true. Narcissists will shower you with love and affection at first and then once you are hooked can do a 180. The bottom line is trust your gut that something isn’t right and step away. If her behavior continues seek support from another manager or HR.

9. AnonymousJune 5,2024 at 12:44PM UTC

   She may or may not meet diagnostic criteria for NPD, and random folks on the internet can’t diagnose.

   But. You’ve already identified that she routinely bullies you, uses the power of “what the group thinks” (you know she may be putting words into mouths, right?) to put you down and doesn’t respect your boundaries personally or professionally. Has she ever built you up professionally? Has she ever identified a competency of yours to praise and develop?

   You’re unlikely to receive fair assessments of your work performance while she is your boss.

10. AnonymousJune 5,2024 at 12:52PM UTC

    It sounds more like middle school mean girls than professional adults in a workplace. Your boss may or may not be a narcissist but I think she is definitely a bully and trying to be the leader of the mean girl clique. I think you are spot on with the boundaries you are trying to set in order to achieve work and life balance. You should be friendly with your boss and your coworkers. However, there is no requirement that you develop close friendships outside of work and share intimate personal details. Also, I've learned that its best to keep quiet when it comes to office gossip. If everyone else is talking about everyone else, just listen and don't say anything.

11. GirlBossanova934974June 5,2024 at 1:20PM UTC

    I would leave the psychology stuff to the professionals in that space. In the practical sphere, your boss sounds like some sort of head high school cheerleader, wanna be. In the future, it is best to avoid these types and not get into the "inner circle" in the first place. If you find yourself in that position by no mistake of your own, transfer to another part of the company or find another job. These cheerleader types are not management material. I got out of an outfit like that around a year ago. A bunch of very nasty passive aggressive types with all sorts of mental health issues.

12. Sarah BordersJune 5,2024 at 3:21PM UTC

    Came here to say this. Putting a label on something or someone doesn’t always help you deal with the underlying issues. Is she a narcissist? Maybe, but it sounds like she’s definitely insecure and unprofessional—not a leader you want your wagon hitched to.

13. GirlBossanova934974June 5,2024 at 11:04PM UTC

    "not a leader you want your wagon hitched to" sums it perfectly!

14. AnonymousJune 5,2024 at 2:35PM UTC

    So, who cares they are a narcissist. Leave that to the mental health pros. What you need to be doing is documenting what's going on. Does she really call you a fool? Document that. Is this "inner circle" necessary for you to do your job? Then only respond to work related content that involves you. Ignore the rest. Stop over sharing and stick to business. If she is starting conversations that are turning into popularity contest or something like that then just make a B line out of it. Tell you have to go to the bathroom or act like you're late for something. Sooner or later, she will get the picture. Its ok to keep her at arm's length.

15. Tami L CannizzaroJune 5,2024 at 2:51PM UTC

    I agree with others here: sounds like a "mean girl" to me. many of us have experienced Mean Girls at work, and it's not fun to feel like you're back in high school.

    What I've learned: mean girls have one thing in common underneath that "tough" exterior, they are insecure.

    While you can't change her, you can add some protections for yourself by documenting your work and communications with her re: your work. "Publish or Perish", is what this is called. Send weekly updates of your progress via email. After a meeting with her, send her a recap. If there is another manager/supervisor for the project, "cc" them as well. And, if possible, look for internal opportunities to move to another department. I did that at one company and, in an interesting turn of events, my new position in a different department was higher than that of the mean girl. She had to come to me to get things done. Funny how things can work out.

16. AnonymousJune 5,2024 at 3:13PM UTC

    Is everyone telling you that they love her or is she the only one telling you that? She's insecure, a bully and a poor excuse for a leader. Remember-people have problems that have nothing to do with you. I wouldn't last long in that situation. Can you move to another part of the business?

17. Liz MilneJune 5,2024 at 9:17PM UTC

    Yeah, anyone who says 'Everyone loves me' and that they have experience in absolutely everything is either BSing due to extreme imposter syndrome/ incompetence or they are narcissistic - no one, but no one is universally loved or even liked!

    Seems like (from what you say) she is 'loved' by all only because she insists on it and refuses to accept anyone having an alternative view - if they don't 100% love her, they are 'wrong'... :/ Yikes!

18. AnonymousJune 6,2024 at 3:16PM UTC

    This very thing happened to me. She thought everyone loved her and she was doing a fabulous and better job than the previous manager.. she became besties with another co worker that wanted my job. Well she succeeded. I was laid off this past month. I truly believe it was because I didn't praise her but rather pointed out things that were not right and professional.

19. Stz FreeJune 6,2024 at 6:43PM UTC

    Imposter Syndrom applies to an overachiever who thinks they somehow don't deserve their success while tending to minimize all their hard work. It's sometimes misunderstood as the contrary, like in your message I guess.

20. Liz MilneJune 7,2024 at 5:52AM UTC

    True: what I was saying is people with imposter syndrome can act poorly - needing constant reassurance that they are good at the job and treating colleagues/ underlings badly etc bc they lack the confidence to say, 'I am doing okay, I don't need to 'win' everything or have everyone validate my feelings' etc.

    That's why I said 'imposter syndrome/ incompetence' - it was meant as an either/or not a this-and-that...

21. AnonymousJune 6,2024 at 12:39PM UTC

    What she is doing is called Triangulation. It is a trait of Narcissism. Without a diagnosis one can't be labeled Narcissist but at the least she is acting in toxic manners and creating a toxic environment. Run away and fast.

22. Daria Skibington-RoffelJune 6,2024 at 1:25PM UTC

    Definitely a narcissist. This reads just like a situation I experienced a few years back. The behaviour, the triangulation - exactly the same.

23. Marcia SmithJune 6,2024 at 2:15PM UTC

    This is very toxic behavior and will not lead to any goo. I would try to find a different role in the company with a different boss - or start working on an exit strategy NOW. These kind of people will do crazy things with no warning.

24. Colleen HansonJune 6,2024 at 2:19PM UTC

    Ugh! I've been in this situation before and it is absolutely horrible! I have never been a big fan of being friendly with the boss outside of work but I had one who literally bullied her way into my personal time outside of work. Then she acted like we were "best friends" and would constantly tell the other ladies in the office that she and I were "BFF's". She had a hugely inflated ego and believed that everyone loved her and wanted to be her! It was quite the opposite in all reality. We had absolutely NOTHING in common and when she would invite herself to something I was doing she would complain the whole time about it not being her "thing". It was horrible! When she started interfering and showing up to events with my family, and talking poorly about some of my family members, I hit my breaking point! When I started to distance myself from her, things at the office became unbearable. She started gossiping about me, giving me the worst possible jobs to do (i.e. clean the toilets, clean the men's room in the shop, etc.-we had a separate cleaning crew that did these things). I finally had to leave. It's never a good idea to get buddy buddy with the boss, in my opinion.

25. AnonymousJune 6,2024 at 3:21PM UTC

    Yes, never become a buddy of your boss. The power is distributed differently and it's hardly gonna work. I once had a BFF at work and helped her to become my boss. This was a very bad idea.

26. AnonymousJune 6,2024 at 2:41PM UTC

    Mine certainly is. I've worked for her for 14-years and have allowed her to steal my confidence and be gaslighted by her and her crony. I work in collegiate athletics, so narcissism is prevalent. But to make matters worse, she's a religious zealot who thinks she and her family are holier than thou. One of these days I'm gonna write a book! OMG, I think this post must have triggered me. SMDH

27. AnonymousJune 6,2024 at 3:17PM UTC

    Oh dear, this sounds very narcissistic to me. My former boss had narcissistic traits and I can tell that your boss has this grandiosity too.

    First, it's wrong to expect from you to behave the way she like it in your free time. Secondly, it's so wrong to have an inner circle at work when you are the boss!

    My former boss also wanted to control what I would do in my free time. But a boss doesn't have the right to do this. So, try to speak up about these issues. And talk to HR about this "inner circle" thing.

28. AnonymousJune 6,2024 at 5:14PM UTC

    You cannot make a diagnosis, FWIW the behavior doesn't even come close to narcissistic. The relationship is not appropriate. And before someone else jumps in with the other diagnosis du jour she is not "gaslighting" you.

29. AnonymousJune 7,2024 at 1:17PM UTC

    I agree...it's hard to tell if the criticism is personal or professional since the lines are blurred. You can speak to her about it or establish professional boundaries.

30. AnonymousJune 7,2024 at 6:47PM UTC

    Unfortunately this does not sound like a healthy sustainable work environment. Recommend you talk to HR and at least passively look for another job that will give you more sanity.

31. AnonymousJune 8,2024 at 3:07AM UTC

    Labels don’t really matter , as in the work place you cannot label people like that, it’s not professional and you are not qualified. That being said , her behaviour is not acceptable. Good luck getting help. Most people will try to justify that BS behaviour, make excuses. Or say that’s how she is….