Each job I have held, I have been mistreated with coworkers underestimating me, not wanting to build rapport due to me refusing to indulge in gossip or inappropriate topics.

109 Comments

1. Sweet CarolineFebruary 18,2021 at 10:06PM UTC

   You did not share what industry or role you are in. Its is highly unusual in my experience for managers to ask staff to keep tabs on each other or encourage any form of gossip.

   You mentioned that you felt mistreated and disrespected, could you provide some examples?

   It is perfectly acceptable to maintain a solid line between your personal life and work life, you don't have to go out after work or socialize with coworkers but it is generally better if you can be friendly and maybe have lunch or daily conversations with you coworkers. I do not socialize with coworkers outside of the office, I do not use social media that links to them, I don't go out for drinks etc. I do however ask how their weekend was or if they are enjoying a bit of warm weather etc.

   There is a difference between being friendly and being friends. It sounds as though you may not have been either in past roles and that will make it hard for people to work well with you.

2. AnonymousFebruary 20,2021 at 2:09PM UTC

   Not necessarily.

3. AnonymousFebruary 20,2021 at 4:52PM UTC

   Absolutely there is. Also walking around feeling victimized due to a refusal to interact personally is not anyone's fault. There are not 100% Bullies to blame. Life doesn't work that way. Interpersonal skills are learned.

4. AnonymousFebruary 20,2021 at 4:59PM UTC

   I didn't get that from her post.

5. AnonymousFebruary 18,2021 at 10:34PM UTC

   I am so sorry to hear that you're going through this. Do you have friends or people in your network who consider their work environments to be healthy? I'd ask them what they think makes their work environment like that and see if there are any common themes.

6. AnonymousFebruary 18,2021 at 10:53PM UTC

   People love connecting and it's seldom about drama and gossip or spying on colleagues. So honestly, if every job you've had has resulted in your coworkers not wanting to build that connection then the common denominator is mostly likely you and your social skills and interactions.

   Even though you hear Bully at every turn, it's really not everywhere. There are many of us who are professional and have worked successfully at a host of different companies have built strong & healthy relationships at work that bring joy and deep meaning to our experience.

   I would seriously look at your social style and perhaps speak with folks you know to understand why you have this same experience rather than look to the organization first as the source of your horrible mistreatment. Once you do some internal work, you'll know better about how to fit in and enjoy your coworkers and what kind of environment you would best thrive in.

7. Dawn DrakeFebruary 20,2021 at 2:24PM UTC

   Something here rings true from this reply but also the original poster. Is there a pattern where some women just find it hard to work with other women because with men you don't have to guess that the problem stated is not the actual thing? I struggle with gossip/drama problems when I work with women. I'm self employed and see over and over - unnecessary, unhelpful drama coming from women.

8. Dawn DrakeFebruary 20,2021 at 2:29PM UTC

   I wanted to add to this - it goes way back to grade school for me; seeing one girl pick a fight with another just to prove to herself that she had the social influence in the group.

9. Dawn DrakeFebruary 20,2021 at 2:34PM UTC

   I don't think business should be run this way and it might be my problem! I think people should work on competence and results and women who want to play the "I can be more popular or more socially approved than you" game - ought to stick with volunteer do- gooder work - non profit.

10. Dawn DrakeFebruary 20,2021 at 2:43PM UTC

    The only thing that helps me is to try not to have to respond in real-time. I make an effort to not sound judgmental of the person I think is playing a game. I use reflective listening where I don't have to participate and I make sure important interactions are documented and worded carefully.

11. AnonymousFebruary 20,2021 at 3:04PM UTC

    Ugh. Don't need those nasty women in volunteer work either.

12. AnonymousFebruary 20,2021 at 4:02PM UTC

    Or the non-profit sector that quite frankly has very little to offer to workers with less than a 4 year degree or higher. “Do gooders “ is a derogatory catch all for a large sector of dedicated professionals.

13. AnonymousFebruary 20,2021 at 6:54PM UTC

    Ok....

14. Tami NelsonFebruary 20,2021 at 4:22PM UTC

    Haha. That’s an insult to volunteer do-good work.

15. Dawn DrakeFebruary 20,2021 at 10:58PM UTC

    If people are not getting paid, it's not unreasonable to think they need some recognition. I just want to know what game is being played. In business recognition is good too but I don't want to guess if I just need to look for a better solution or if somebody just doesn't like it not being their idea etc. Not that guys don't do that ever, but it seems easier for me to tell what is going on. ?

16. Tami NelsonFebruary 21,2021 at 3:08AM UTC

    Not sure I understand your comment? I was responding to the original commenter. Ty

17. Terrie McWhorterFebruary 22,2021 at 3:47PM UTC

    Yikes....that stung. I love to volunteer and could give a s&^t about being socially approved. I work to make a living and I volunteer to give back to my community. During both, I have learned that if someone doesn't "like" me...that is their problem NOT mine.

18. Laura WilbyFebruary 20,2021 at 4:25PM UTC

    Do you think boys don't fight to assert dominance? Wanting power is not something unique to women.

19. AnonymousFebruary 20,2021 at 7:00PM UTC

    Jerks exist in both genders.

20. Dawn DrakeFebruary 20,2021 at 11:07PM UTC

    But guys mostly respect demonstrations of competence at least from other guys. The dominance game and where to fit in is more straightforward for men. I don't totally blame women, I think being respected and keeping social interaction smooth is a more complicated task for women?

    I think there are studies that indicate women need to be perceived as both competent and warm in order to make the same progress that a man will have from showing basic competence. But don't we run the risk of being also misunderstood in any attempt to seem "warm"?

21. Laura WilbyFebruary 21,2021 at 1:40AM UTC

    You are a woman as well, right?

    I have found that it is difficult to work with people that like to do a lot of "demonstrations of competence". Sometimes I end up having to humiliate them so they will respect me and listen to what I am saying. At least that is what it feels like to me, I am humiliating them by arguing with them to the point I have proven that they are wrong. It seems much more comfortable when everyone is working to understand the other's point of view and you can come up with something together. Then no one has to be humiliated.

    You could read about collaborative versus adversarial communication, this helped me understand some of these differences.

22. Dawn DrakeFebruary 21,2021 at 3:12AM UTC

    Maybe what you do is call a bluff or refuse to be intimidated by posturing. I know I do, but hard to do without things getting negative or being received as even more rude than I feel at the time. Demonstration of competence is more about taking responsibility for what you commit to and not looking for excuses but also not backing down when someone is making unreasonable demands that were not part of an agreed upon contract.

    Usually I try to give people space to not have to say they are wrong. Reflective listening so they know you are hearing them - all good, I even have phrases like" I'm with you so far" I get why this is important" and the transition phrase "my only concern here is......" It's not that I can't do this. If the person is not even a decision maker there comes a point.... One thing I may do is make an app and let my customer decide who has permission to access project information and then limit my responses to once per day or week.

23. Laura WilbyFebruary 21,2021 at 6:49AM UTC

    Ahhh, I see I thought you were talking about when people are promoting themselves a lot and trying to compete with others to show they are more competent.

    Yeah, I am typically really open and ask a lot of questions. But sometimes people don't return the respect and interest. That's when it seems more effective to take a more aggressive approach, or just avoid them if possible.

24. LauraFebruary 20,2021 at 3:15PM UTC

    I totally agree. The dynamic of a less secure female at the top of management can change the whole feel of a business. Search for the articles on line, there's literature out there that informs you of red flag questions to ask in the interview that can expose a potentially toxic work place.

25. Laura WilbyFebruary 20,2021 at 4:23PM UTC

    This is not something that is true only about female leaders! Why focus on women?

26. Laura WilbyFebruary 20,2021 at 4:27PM UTC

    So, in order to be in a healthy workplace make sure you are the only woman?

27. AnonymousFebruary 20,2021 at 6:59PM UTC

    Tf?

28. Dawn DrakeFebruary 20,2021 at 10:44PM UTC

    I'm still looking for the best approach to make interactions smoother with women. I know men do pissing contests but I can say something like "not trying to be difficult or interrupt a pissing contests here - I just want to have a solution that moves us all forward" - I can get away with that. But if I think a women is being "difficult" I often find it hard to deal with and feel like avoiding them.

29. Laura WilbyFebruary 21,2021 at 12:53AM UTC

    It doesn't sound like you understand where they are coming from and it also sounds like you don't respect other women very much.

    For example, you are reducing what is probably a lot of different things to "being difficult", as if their goal is just to get in your way.

    Start with respect and understanding and you might get more cooperation.

30. Dawn DrakeFebruary 21,2021 at 1:48AM UTC

    Two terms I use: blustery (blunt and or stressed or direct, no nonsense) In this case time and honest, calm and direct answers build a good working relationship, and then there is difficult.

    People I call blustery may have direct responsibilities and decision making authority. What I mean by difficult means a few things - someone with unclear authority wanting free effort from me or someone who actually does have the goal of being in my way because I'm contracted from outside and they see me as infringing on their turf. This is usually not a guy because the guy thinks my success makes more room for his advancement. I can only guess that the women's issue is an identity game she plays with her employer and its personal OR maybe some of it IS how I come off to women who don't know me, ?

31. Laura WilbyFebruary 21,2021 at 3:25AM UTC

    Your first posts just sounded like you don't think very highly of women. If this is a really common problem you have with lots of women in different situations then maybe they detect your attitude towards women and are on guard with you.

    If it's more contained to your contracting work maybe it is more about the office politics as you say?

    I try pretty hard to get people to cooperate with me and it sounds like you do as well, but sometimes you just can't win people over because of their own stuff they are caught up in. In that case it sounds like you already have a lot of strategies, reflective listening, getting things in writing etc.

    Maybe you could try asking them for advice (people like this) or compliments? I know it's hard to do when you are already angry, but people are more cooperative when they think that you respect and like them.

32. Dawn DrakeFebruary 22,2021 at 2:27PM UTC

    something showed up in my email that I can't find now but you mentioned people doing self promotion or bragging. I'm not bothered by claims people have that I see evidence of. I struggle with situations where I suspect the action or problem or solution being proposed isn't about what someone claims it is about. I like to have a specific measurable target and real consequences to shoot for - something that can be tested objectively. AND I try to put things into perspective to cover the bases and do whatever will be the most constructive or forward moving. Not saying I always succeed but...... Dealing with women often seems like being caught in a maze of side issues and personal agendas that are just too damn hard for me to decode. Or - I resent being expected to decode subtle social games and personality needs? Making the assistant feel included is fine because it can be systemized into my process. It gets hard when I think I might be in a minefield of people who have unofficial influence but influence just the same.

33. Dawn DrakeFebruary 22,2021 at 2:37PM UTC

    You are right about the need to make sure people feel like you like and respect them. I generally don't have ill will toward anyone - I expect there are all kinds of people in the world and everybody has strengths and personal insights of some kind that can be beneficial to a project or big picture. But I have times when I think - "My God how much fawning and hand holding and feeling like the center of the universe do you need?" (not you personally of course)

    I actually see people in sales who do this quite well and I can do it but not while trying to figure things out and get things done at the same time.

34. AnonymousFebruary 20,2021 at 2:24PM UTC

    Bullies are quite prevalent in some industries.

35. Deb HornerFebruary 20,2021 at 3:57PM UTC

    When I taught in the field of corrections, the building superintendent expected all staff to talk badly about all other staff. He was a huge bully, and so people complied with his demands. That didn't make it right, it just made a difficult situation worse. Personally, I have found that interacting with others in a professional manner - being friendly without being friends - helps to build a work environment where most can thrive. If you don't enjoy interpersonal interactions, you may have chosen a profession that doesn't suit your personality.

36. AnonymousFebruary 20,2021 at 4:02PM UTC

    Wow, I don't think the OP is anti-social. Not the vibe she put out. Perhaps she's sick of all the nasty games that people play.

37. Stacey SextonFebruary 22,2021 at 4:33PM UTC

    These comments are so harsh. She obviously cares about building rapport or she wouldn't of asked for advice. Telling her it's her fault is not helpful.

38. AnonymousFebruary 22,2021 at 9:57PM UTC

    I think they are often trying to connect over complaints, problems, toxicity and misery and it is exhausting and draining to the point where my soul literally rejects these people.

    I actually feel bad that these people feel compelled to do this at work. If I need to vent or connect over life events- I have real friends outside of work and a social life that I actually desire that I’m trying to get to each day. I couldn’t imagine crossing those lines at work because that’s all I have going on outside of home.

39. AnonymousFebruary 22,2021 at 10:04PM UTC

    I hardly believe that everyone at every place the OP has worked at is connecting in this way. It's perception and a lack of connection that forces a person to blame isolation on mistreatment. There is no higher ground here just a lack of navigating healthy boundaries and authentic interaction.

40. AnonymousFebruary 22,2021 at 10:27PM UTC

    I did not say that was her experience nor am I here to personally convince you specifically of anything. Questioning and doubting the experiences of others is called gaslighting if you are unfamiliar with the term.

    At times you can’t always have “healthy boundaries” because your lack of interest in engagement can be perceived as not being a team player or any other cliche terms they use to try to condemn those who literally just want to do their job and go home each day instead of gossiping and complaining about their husband.

    I don’t need work to be an extension of my personal life but people definitely try to force it- Especially when you’re the only minority most places you work. People definitely feel compelled to try to probe into your personal life and force relationships to show they are an ally or just to drag you into their gossip mill and I’m not interested.

    The further I advance in my career- the more prevalent this is.

    Regardless of your experiences.

41. AnonymousMarch 25,2021 at 4:29AM UTC

    Sometimes questioning someone’s perception of an experience is just called holding up a mirror so they can gain insight into themselves that they didn’t have before. Like a 360 review. It’s not gaslighting to share feedback with someone on an aspect of themselves that they are blind to- and we all have those blind spots.

    As someone who has felt the way the OP has on occasion (I’m the type of person that wants to go straight home after work, doesn’t like to drink, and finds extra social engagement with coworkers exhausting), I can attest to the fact that sometimes, as others have pointed out, the problem originates within. It takes self reflection and the choice to think, act, react, and interact differently. Each one of us can make the choice to reframe a situation in a way where we can take something positive out of it.

    There are certainly toxic workplaces, and no doubt OP has experienced at least one. That being said, when someone says that *every* place they have ever worked is toxic because of everyone else around them, there’s probably room for growth in one’s self awareness.

    You’re absolutely right that sometimes people want too much from work relationships. Assuming that they only want that to check some “ally” box is also projecting your life experience on someone else’s intention though.

    You mention that it’s become more prevalent the further you’ve gotten in your career. Have you considered that it may be showing up more now because your coworkers have identified you as a person of influence and would like to cultivate a relationship with you so that they can grow their network, seek your mentorship in a way that isn’t incredibly awkward (eg. after the relationship is “warm”) , or build a mutually beneficial connection? Is it possible to reframe those attempts at connection which might feel intrusive as manifestations of the esteem your coworkers have for you?

    Sometimes it can be simply a difference in personality or upbringing (I’m from the Midwest and we are friendly with practically everyone), but we would all do better to *assume positive intent* in our interactions, sometimes engage in light office banter (not gossip) even if it’s not our favorite, and kindly ask for our space without judgement of others if we just aren’t feeling it.

42. Audra HendersonFebruary 19,2021 at 5:52PM UTC

    I agree with with the poster that recommended that you look into yourself. I too feel that if someone has that every time or everyone is or has done to me approach its usually something about them. I am not saying this to be negative but you can be you at a job without coming off as too good or making judgements on others. I do not like gossip in my personal life so I do not engage at work. I do have a solid line between my work and personal. Because I am in a leadership role I keep it friendly but I do not have friends where I work. I do not have them on any of my social media platforms except LinkedIn. I keep it about the job and that's it. Sincerity is easy to spot and you can't fake it. If someone is not who they say they are it will come out. Its difficult to say an environment is toxic unless you are in it. A job that goes against your ethics and beliefs is not the job for you. Someone told me a long time ago it's an attraction thing. If all your jobs have been toxic what are you giving off to be put in those jobs. Good luck!

43. AnonymousFebruary 21,2021 at 1:45AM UTC

    I agree that the above it all attitude is actually hiding a lack of skill at connecting with others in a professional setting. So blaming the lack of work friends on gossiping or stooping to being required to snoop on others is just cover. Throwing shade on others is pretty passive aggressive in most cases.

44. Laurie PlumFebruary 20,2021 at 1:23PM UTC

    I worked at a very similar place. Sometimes the leadership and the system is just plain toxic. Many times those who are in leadership are covert narcissists.

45. Zofia JaneczekFebruary 20,2021 at 2:17PM UTC

    So far your comments make the most sense to me but again I’m an abuse survivor and have dealt with narcissistic abuse and can now spot it in organizations from square 1! It’s over 50% in real life that are disordered in some way so the chances that you will run into issues at any work place is quite high. You ultimately can not avoid disordered people because society, at least in the USA, doesn’t address this silent crisis adequately. The #1 issue with jobs these days is not the job but the people and the lack of mental health awareness. May I add that corporations and many companies in general do not “screen” workers well enough to avoid problems until it’s too late! Yet again, there are also businesses that intentionally hire disordered people almost exclusively due to the monetary aspect. Toxic personalities can be extremely high functioning when it come to the bottom line, which is always $ related for a business. Most of these comments paint a picture of “you’re the problem” and seem to victim blame or shame instead of looking at the whole picture.

46. AnonymousFebruary 20,2021 at 3:20PM UTC

    You nailed it! The #1 problem is the process of hiring is the resume and NO research in the person’s mental status. Too many mentally unstable workers in one office can be and IS TOXIC!

47. AnonymousFebruary 20,2021 at 4:05PM UTC

    You really are targeting people with mental health conditions?

48. Zofia JaneczekFebruary 20,2021 at 6:47PM UTC

    No one is “targeting” anyone as there is a mental health crisis in the USA that is by and large ignored by businesses, the government, and society overall. As far as narcissistic abuse goes, I am a survivor of this abuse and I will never defend this type of personality disorder because it creates other disorders in people such as C-PTSD, Borderline, Splitting etc., and a list 1/2 a mile long that’s too long for this forum. Anyone who’s gotten the above from a narcissistic person needs all the help the law allows, but the law doesn’t give a da$n! At least not in the USA!

49. AnonymousFebruary 20,2021 at 6:56PM UTC

    Generally ppl with those personalities aren't in therapy or diagnosed unfortunately. They are dangerous for sure.

50. AnonymousFebruary 21,2021 at 1:47AM UTC

    So now it's 50% of the population? Wow.

51. Zofia JaneczekFebruary 21,2021 at 2:50AM UTC

    This is my opinion and educated guess that the prevalence is very high, not the lower numbers many therapists may elude towards. Most therapists do not know how to deal with narcissistic personality disorder and are not trained for this nor can they even detect it or diagnose someone who may actually have C-PTSD from this abuse but are being diagnosed as something other.

52. AnonymousFebruary 20,2021 at 2:22PM UTC

    Leadership is definitely responsible for the tone.

53. AnonymousFebruary 20,2021 at 2:55PM UTC

    Exactly why leadership team is not able to give concrete feedback instead of beating around the bush . That allows employees to feel victimized like you are now being adviced from social networks like this. Did a good job by sharing.you got lot of inputs now
    All the best.

54. bradford mccormickFebruary 20,2021 at 1:29PM UTC

    Isn't there some way you can write this up for a lasting publication? Isn't there some good professor in an MBA school who would love to use your story in his or here (or other's) classes? Some labor union? Somebody? It doesn't deserve to just fade away here on an internet forum.

    I've got an ever better one, but it's second hand. I just knew the person, who happened to be a legally blind partly crippled radically color-blind obese male with probably no college education and lots more going against him like that companies wanted to hire him to be their hire-the-handicapped poster boy but he wanted to do a job. He was my manager for a couple years. He was a computer programmer whose work made him highly respected by IBM field engineers. After he did what he described as "the best job I ever did in my life" on a mission critical task for his employer, he got his just reward: He got fired because some people above him feared he would build a power base in the company against their schmoozing sloth. He finally took early retirement when he worked for the Federal government and was assigned a set-him-up-to-fail project that depended on color vision but Johns Hopkins hospital did research on him because few persons like him are TOTALLY color blind. Virtue is its own reward.

55. AnonymousFebruary 20,2021 at 2:22PM UTC

    People can be such turds.

56. bradford mccormickMarch 11,2021 at 6:02PM UTC

    May I add that Ex-lx is guaranteed relief every time? These people need a big dose of it.

57. Bryana WallFebruary 20,2021 at 1:34PM UTC

    I'm sorry to hear that you're experiencing this. I would also be curious to know what kind of work you do or what industry you're in because I think some types of jobs are more prone to this sort of culture than others. With that being said here are my suggestions:

    1. Read glassdoor or other online reviews on the company before accepting an offer
    2. Ask your interviewers how they would describe the work culture (their answer will be biased but it can still tell you a lot, particularly if they have a hard time answering).
    3. Before accepting an offer ask if it's possible to meet with your co-workers or do an office visit before making a final decision.
    4. Apply to roles at companies that are frequently on "Best Places to Work" list or one where you've gotten a personal recommendation for.
    5. Before accepting an offer, find a FORMER employee on LinkedIn and ask if they could give you an honest review of their time there.

    Also, if all of that doesn't work, maybe consider a different career path. One that allows you to work more independently.

    I hope that helps!

58. Zofia JaneczekFebruary 20,2021 at 2:23PM UTC

    You’ve given some genuinely wonderful advice without shaming or blaming anyone for what, lack of a better word, seems like a toxic work culture. The one about working more independently is solid and excellent advice. There are many jobs that would allow this especially now with C-19 and social distancing. Many companies, that are bad , actually have toxic workers present themselves and those companies in excellent light in online reviews. You can’t really rely on that 100%, however if there’s a mix of giving the company accolades for being wonderful and amazing and other reviewers stating that the company is horrible, read the horrible reviews first, if you see a repeated pattern to issues RUN away from that company! Bad businesses generally can not sugar coat major issues, even with staged reviews online.

59. Bryana WallFebruary 20,2021 at 3:27PM UTC

    All good points Zofia. Definitely recommend getting reviews from a mix of sources for this reason.

60. Melinda CuslidgeFebruary 20,2021 at 5:45PM UTC

    #1 thing I look at when accepting a job or applying is employee turnaround. I have been in this situation before. I agree with one of the posters above- I find this case more with women than men. I went from working in healthcare (notorious for this behavior) to working in education (far less of these toxic personalities). From a psychological perspective, we see more controlling, micromanaging, and masochist behaviors in healthcare workers.

61. Yolonda PattersonFebruary 20,2021 at 1:36PM UTC

    Several individuals have suggested that you possibly look within. I agree to some extent, however, I can relate. People are very toxic and often come to work as an escape from their own lives. I don't have much in common with my coworkers, but they insist on talking to me about their lives, work drama, and such. I try to keep it civil but I find that people get their feelings hurt when you don't want to share. I'm not married, nor in a relationship, I don't have children, nor want any, my family is not up for discussion so I truly don't know what they want me to share. You have to find a delicate medium. It's a game and if you don't learn how to play you will be subject to the behavior you are experiencing now. I'm sorry you're going through this but if we have to work we have to put on our masks and armor and head into battle. Do the reflection and develop a solution. Never participate in office gossip but learn how to navigate through your job. There is no such thing as a "Healthy" work environment. To each his own. And until you are in the work place you can't know. Wishing you the best.

62. AnonymousFebruary 20,2021 at 7:02PM UTC

    I can completely relate! My office is very family oriented. I’m actually an outcast because I don’t have a family. I agree that’s it’s a game you have to learn how to play. Most people love to talk about themselves, so even if you don’t care too much about their families, drama, etc., pretending that you do care can do wonders!

63. Ayana SteffensFebruary 20,2021 at 1:44PM UTC

    After reading your post and the replies I will say this it seems to me that it may not be everyone at the jobs that you hold are this way. The issue may be the type of people that you gravitate towards. Many times we may unknowingly gravitate toward the very behaviors that we do not like. We must remember the saying “birds of a feather flock together”, if you find that everyone around you is the same then maybe we should question if this is truly everyone or if it is just a small percentage of the people that you come into contact with , as we socially gravitate to people that share similar traits as ourselves. Maybe venture out to talk to people with whom you are not familiar with or that work in a different department to see if your experience is similar.
    Having management want you to “keep tabs on others” sounds as though you may hold a different title at work than that of your coworkers. If you work in retail and are in a supervisory role it is well within your job description to keep tabs on the way things are going and if there are specific issues than to report that to the higher up. Unfortunately we cannot properly assess the situation as we do not know what field you work in. If you can provide a bit more information maybe we can revisit this conversation. Hopefully you find relief. Best of luck.

64. Christina JFebruary 20,2021 at 1:50PM UTC

    First off thank you for sharing your story. Work environments can vary and not all are created equal. After reading many comments that have been posted it has come to my attention the blame is being shifted on you. I don’t know you or how severe you situation is but I want you to know it may not be you exactly but the environment in which you were brought up or how you were talked to at younger ages which make you feel those work environments were ok to be in. Especially if your cognitive dissonance may be traumatized from past traumatic experiences. Yes we all need to work on ourselves daily but we must be mindful we all have different journeys in life which takes us in places we never expected to be due to negative influences from others which is not entirely the ours or the victims fault. I hope you find a safe work environment and get people around you who have your best interest at heart ❤️

65. AnonymousFebruary 20,2021 at 2:20PM UTC

    Right!

66. Roberta RosenbergFebruary 20,2021 at 1:51PM UTC

    I always perk up when someone says 'this is my experience at every job I've held.' As others have noted, you have a responsibility to yourself to figure out how you can fit into a corporate culture without losing yourself. And if you can't ultimately fit it, then you need to make better choices going forward. Vet the companies and its people better with Glassdoor and LinkedIn - who do you know in common, for example, and scope them out. Learn how to recognize red flags in an interview - ask the interview to describe what they like about the company, what the business values are, how long they've been there, etc. Be your own best advocate.

67. AnonymousFebruary 20,2021 at 2:19PM UTC

    Would be nice if people learned tolerance and civil behavior on the job.

68. Roberta RosenbergFebruary 20,2021 at 2:41PM UTC

    Absolutely, and in healthy corporate cultures, they do. But workplaces generally reflect their ownership and/or leadership. Caveat emptor.

69. AnonymousFebruary 20,2021 at 2:57PM UTC

    Right as management sets the tone. Many managers go above and beyond while others actually egg on toxic behaviors.

70. AnonymousFebruary 20,2021 at 1:52PM UTC

    It's disappointing to me how often people read posts like this and choose to blame the victim. I have found bullying, exclusion and passive aggression to be widespread in the working world and I would not be at all surprised to find that someone had one experience after another of nastiness, through no fault of their own, especially in majority female workplaces. (I'm a woman, and a feminist, but unfortunately, destructive cultural forces have encouraged women to attack each other and many women never grow out of the meanness of junior high.) Original poster, don't let it get you down. There are some better places to work out there, though there will always be difficult people lurking in even the best of workplaces. But you can find work cultures that are more positive, where people don't want to be negative all the time. I like the suggestions from Bryana about how to find a better place.

71. AnonymousFebruary 20,2021 at 2:16PM UTC

    I understand where the OP is coming from. Having worked amongst bitch clusters myself. Not all workplaces are like that. Management sets the tone. I would have her pay attention to them. Ask the right questions in interviews.

72. AnonymousFebruary 20,2021 at 5:04PM UTC

    Underestimating you is a direct result of a lack of social interaction. There is a large part of your job that speaks to interaction and building rapour with you coworkers. You are not a robot. Finding a common ground and building relationships is part of being part of a team. Relationships are not based on gossip and your sense of moral high ground. You can build strong relationships at work and not compromise your values. They are not mutual exclusive as you're trying to put across. If you are mistreated at every job you've held I would ask why. Instead of hiding behind some moral high ground I would try and be honest and authentic and figure why you have isolated yourself to such an extreme.

73. AnonymousFebruary 21,2021 at 3:43AM UTC

    Thank you for this response. In just this past week I have been multiple posts on this site from people experiencing hostile behavior in the workplace. It sadly is not uncommon at all, and happens in all varieties of workplaces and industries. I sincerely hope the OP finds a better work environment, also. No one should have to endure bullying or hostile behavior in the workplace.

74. AnonymousFebruary 20,2021 at 2:15PM UTC

    To all of commenters that turned this around on the OP, I have reason to believe that you all participate in workplace manipulation or manipulation in some form because you can’t even see for just a second that someone else might have had another experience aside from you.
    I worked at the same place for 6.5 years within a work environment relative to the Michael Scott Dunder Mifflin experience. My supervisor was a narcissist with no education so she pitted her three employees against one another. She talked badly to each of us about the other 2. She specifically asked us each to keep tabs on each other. She engaged in gossip that violated my HIPPA rights along with others in the office.

    If you do think that you are the reason this is happening, it is most likely because you are empathetic, willing to listen, and just want to keep the peace. Peace keeping is what drove me into a major depressive episode for months of the years, attributed to my weight gain of 70 pounds, and contributed to my suicidal ideations. When I finally left, my boss told me that if I get a lump in my breast after I leave this job with my great insurance benefits then I’ll be SOL. I don’t even have breast cancer in my family knock on wood.

    I have been you and I have worked in that environment. Make sure you ask your next employers during the interview what their company culture is like. And tell them what you need in a workplace in order to be successful.

    I’m sorry you are going through this and nearly everyone in the comments offered nothing but “look in the mirror sweatie.”

    I’m willing to bet that these are the narcissistic bosses in their workplaces so don’t listen to them.

75. AnonymousFebruary 20,2021 at 2:59PM UTC

    You said what I was thinking!!!

76. AnonymousFebruary 21,2021 at 2:04AM UTC

    Honestly, if you’ve made it this far reading all the comments it’s bc this truly hit a nerve with the oppressor and the oppressed. Just saying..

77. AnonymousFebruary 21,2021 at 11:17PM UTC

    This absolutely struck a nerve with me because I saw the oppressed (Original Poster) being attacked by the oppressors (anonymous or narcissistic commentators).

78. NimishaFebruary 20,2021 at 2:24PM UTC

    I am so glad that you've posted this. You know I have faced this too in almost all of my companies. And it's such a relief to see someone who too share the same experience. I finally ended up doing my own work and my clients and everyone I communicate with seem to be happy and well connected. But in jobs it was always like manager divulging in a gossip and wanting me to be actively engaged and tell stuff about other team members and then it would become the culture in the team. I have seen way too many people not being able to be a healthy manager, insecure of their position and indulging in such toxic behaviors to maintain control at all times. Many peopel will say look within yourself but I'd say no, the corporate culture started out as toxic and everyone either played the part or faced isolation. It still is the same although in subtle manner and micro aggression. Definitely introspective when you want to or feel the need to but if your mind is saying it's the toxic culture then it is the toxic culture. Also at times women become victims of more microaggressions like opinions about their clothes, how they carry themselves etc. fly around as gossip. Also I'd like to know which country are you working in? In India all of these things are definitely very much a problem as experienced by me. For healthy environment read reviews, talk to people of that company via LinkedIn and do some research. Hope you find a good atmosphere soonest.

79. Joan Marie VerbaFebruary 20,2021 at 2:27PM UTC

    I, too, am disappointed at those who have said that you must be part of the problem. You aren't. I, too, have worked in a place where I was not viewed in a positive way by coworkers because I preferred to keep my private life private and because I refused to gossip. (What I found is that, as a result of my not revealing anything about my personal life, they'd make things up about me!)

    To me, work is work, and personal life is personal life, and I prefer to keep them separate.

80. NimishaFebruary 20,2021 at 2:31PM UTC

    Also don't listen to people who say "every job", "every time" please don't. One can be in abusive relationship one after the other, in a toxic workplace one after the other, in financial crisis for long time (for no fault of theirs), find themselves in same situation again and again for no fault in themselves rather the fault with culture that permeate these issues and enable that kind of politics at large. Just learn the lesson the situation Is teaching you and move onto something better. :)

81. Nadia StapletonFebruary 20,2021 at 2:40PM UTC

    this sucks, BUT i can completely relate.

    the WORST workplace cultures that i've ever experienced were when i took jobs out of desperation. there is just something about ALWAYS choosing 'wrong' when you are needing to cover your 'ends.'

    however, ONCE you are in a new place, and IF you begin to see the dynamics that make you feel uncomfortable, begin to carefully plan your exit. interview while the mess has NOT yet hit your 'door.' you will feel empowered, AND you'll be able to ask HONEST questions in interviews without fearing that you are jeopardizing an opportunity, because you STILL have a job.

    this process could also help you to learn about the work that you may really WANT to do, and therefore put you in an environment where you might be more tolerant of your co-workers.

82. Denise Donahue-PerreiraFebruary 20,2021 at 7:34PM UTC

    Great advice Nadia!

83. Nadia StapletonFebruary 21,2021 at 1:01AM UTC

    thank you Denise :)

84. Laura SFebruary 20,2021 at 2:45PM UTC

    There are some great questions you can ask during the interview process about company and team culture, you can definitely Google that. The best way, though, is to get referrals from people already working at companies. My advice to you: Network the crap out of yourself. Sign up for Lunchclub, join professional groups that are meeting online, get yourself into a position where you as meeting as many people in your industry as you can, and tell them you're looking for the next step in your career. You can say something like you've worked at Company X for so many years and you're happy with the opportunities you've had to grow your skills and experience, but you've realized they have a habit of hiring outsiders into higher roles rather than promoting from within, that you're ready for another challenge and you're not sure you'll find it there. Make it about how you have so much to offer, but you can't take advantage of it in your current company.

    Then make sure to ask about company and team culture, review processes, etc. One thing that's really easy to observe now with Zoom interviews, I find, is to discover how people relate to their fellow employees. If you're in a group interview and nobody talks to each other at all, that's probably a bad sign. If you're being handed off from one interviewer to another and that interaction is stilted and perfunctory, that's a bad sign.

    What *is* your role/line of work?

85. AnonymousFebruary 20,2021 at 2:55PM UTC

    Have you been abused before? If so, it can show, by the way you walk, talk, behave, by your macro-gestures and reactions. So when people see you, they assume you will be an easy pushover, and it will be easy to get a raise out of you. Some do it because they are malicious, some - just because, think of people who, for example, play cat sounds videos for their dogs to make them bark or howl. So is with you. Often, if not always, you are hired because you look like a victim of abuse, so you won't outperform the current management. I have been there and got 2 jobs because I was insecure and too eager and nervous. All my coworkers and management were narcissistic. I was much more assertive on the third interview though still looked like a lowly supplicant, fortunately or unfortunately for me, there was an e-test which I scored, to which HR said I was bad and made mistakes but unable to explain what they were or to show them. They thought I was too smart and a threat for them. If you want to find better jobs, go into therapy. You will acquire calm assertiveness and it will show, and the jobs with abusive environment will come to an end. You will still meet abusive people but rarely they would want to mess with you.

86. AnonymousFebruary 20,2021 at 3:10PM UTC

    People are just nasty and love to pick at anyone they see as different.

87. AnonymousFebruary 20,2021 at 11:33PM UTC

    Yes that is true or if you have more education than they do. I have experienced bullying from other Teachers in the past and have been asked about what a co-worker did on the job by a manager. Working in an all female environment as opposed to a more male environment dispels the cattiness. As a friend advised me take yourself out the game.

88. AnonymousFebruary 20,2021 at 4:04PM UTC

    Life is fully of an array of personalities and behaviors. If you have felt mistreated at every job you've had then I would try and understand why you are not successful socially. I understand blaming it on your resistance to gossip and personal exchanges. But that doesn't explain why no one wants to like you or share the work experience with you. I get that we are not supposed to question the victim but I would say you are not a victim here.

89. AnonymousFebruary 20,2021 at 4:15PM UTC

    She's probably exaggerating by saying every job. When you've been the victim of relational aggression in the workplace a couple of times, it can feel like all jobs since the negativity can eclipse the positive experiences.

    Perhaps we can all examine our behaviors in the workplace to see if WE are contributing to a toxic workplace.

90. Lauren AgnelliFebruary 20,2021 at 3:02PM UTC

    Sometimes there are already cliques of coworkers at a job and to become a part of it, you do need to let your guard down, smile, and act interested from time to time. I used to always be about doing my work, getting the tasks done, making sure all my duties were covered. BUT. . . things at work only turned around once I realized that spending time just yakking (not gossiping -- just making small talk, maybe mentioning a few things about your home life that aren't personal, like "Yes, I also love leftovers!" or "My dog likes to eat those milkbones, you know?" to just try and relate to people. Giving sincere compliments also is a good way to connect over time. . . A while ago I realized that I needed to loosen up a little and show my interest in others, maybe that's something you could try? And yes, sometimes people are mean and impossible -- but once you make some allies, life at work improves. Does this ring a bell with you?

91. AnonymousFebruary 20,2021 at 3:13PM UTC

    If it were that easy, these problems wouldn't be happening. Finding a place to merge into a conversation that is in progression is like getting on the freeway in Los Angeles. You have to time your move.

92. AnonymousFebruary 20,2021 at 3:13PM UTC
    I sometimes wonder whether it has to do with the way some of my former coworkers handled stress. I like to give people the benefit of the doubt if I can, and maybe I go too far with this. I was told, however, that one coworker, "Ised to be so happy." Apparently, other people saw her change over time. She would be difficult to work with to outright aggressive and antagonistic. Management would let it slide and say, "That's just ." I tried to point out how it interfered with my work. Eventually, management saw ME as the problem for complaining because they didn't want to confront the source of the issue. I was excluded from meetings, and had less access to information. I managed to perform my job until last year, when I was the first of many let go when the pandemic affected the budget. New leadership took over, and was a person I knew pretty well. He soon identified two individuals who caused difficulties. (One, I didn't mention but was working awkwardly but functionally with). The problems he identified were what I had described for years. I didn't feel vindicated. I felt... rather numb on that front. However, I had worked for 15 years for this employer, and I was saddled with this immense emotional burden. I had given a tremendous commitment... timewise, personally... There were times when my mother was hospitalized or had major surgery where I was told I couldn't go see her... (I had time off to take but it was a "bad time for the company"). I was in huge personal pain, and probably still am. I describe the job as a loveless marriage... except I was wholly committed on my part. There were other employees that were amazing but the bad sometimes was all-consuming because I couldn't do my job despite my best efforts. And management allowed this. Management was male... but I think they didn't know how to intervene. The office, however, was primarily female... two men. When there were more men at the office in earlier years, I recalled happier times. But finances were also far better at the office as well at those times and we could have more employees on staff. It may be that as finances were more squeezed, we lost staff and pressures on existing staff lead to acting out in negative ways due to stress. The job before that was toxic in strange, bizarre ways. Very personal, but I stayed uninvolved and was not impacted except when a bomb went off and hit everything in its radius because the big boss was having a... well, emotional issues that she took out on everyone. It was another small office that was dominated by women. Before that, another small office of all women and just one man where the shift manager asked about my sex life in front of everyone, loudly, yelling across the room. Frankly, small offices that are dominated by women that do not have defined behavioral standards and a lack of professionalism seem to be problematic. I hate to paint women poorly. I have not worked in other situations yet. I want to be proven wrong. I think we are set up to compete against each other in negative ways and perhaps we need better ways of coping with stress as a society as a whole.
93. Carrie TopolskiFebruary 20,2021 at 4:27PM UTC

    Always ask about their culture. Ask HR, Ask the hiring manager and anyone you speak with. Explain that you want to be sure that you're entering into a good work culture. Do a search on reviews of the company. There will always be some negative ones but if the majority of them are negative it's a pretty good sign. Ask your friends or someone you know in the company how the culture is. Usually if it's bad someone knows something and will speak up.

94. MJFebruary 20,2021 at 4:49PM UTC

    I can relate as I have found the most difficult part of jobs is dealing with the coworkers. When they thrive on putting others down it's about their self esteem and ego and the only way they know how to boost it. Starting today, keep a notebook/journal and document your work each day (your own book, don't use office supplies) including all interactions with others. Save your emails. This will be useful should you need to contact H/R, or the labor board and/or lawyer. If you do go to H/R (which is for the company as opposed to caring about you) and they see that you are documenting your interactions, there is a good chance if they already wanted to terminate you or make you quit, they will offer severance with condition in the contract that you forfeit if you file suit. If they value you as an employee they will do something about the situation. When interviewing for other jobs, as already advised, ask about the culture, the staff you will work with,. Ask them questions that will give you idea of what it would be like to work there. And find former coworkers who will give you honest feedback. Vendors and customers may be able to do provide input as well.

95. AnonymousFebruary 20,2021 at 5:01PM UTC

    People, try reading the post. The OP isn't anti-social. She just is cautious about gossip and controversial topics.

96. AnonymousFebruary 20,2021 at 5:05PM UTC

    I have experienced the same thing with regard to colleagues. But, I recently had an epiphany. Office politics and human nature exist even at organizations that claim to be a great place to work.

    Do what I do. Don't let your job become the place where you get your esteem and confidence. Honestly, anything we can do, I guarantee that there is someone out there who can do it better. We are in a cog in a wheel. If we croak, we will be replaced post haste with few tears.

    Just think of your job as a contract and do your best. Then, switch off and go home.

97. BethFebruary 20,2021 at 5:11PM UTC

    Hello! Thank you for sharing. I work for a large hotel chain, but my family owns a mid-size Salon in our city that I help out with regularly. As you can imagine it is a career that is dominate by women and some of the behaviors you mentioned. Gossip is prevalent, social boundaries between coworkers and customers can be questionable, and the drama is daily. It really comes down to leadership promoting a healthy culture. Some issues the team just needs to vent and get out of their system (venting sessions look like Gossip) and some need to be squashed by management (hopefully early so they don't grow). It only takes 1-2 toxic people to really effect the entire team. In the Salon we have the owner (Mom) and 2 Managers (one is me) and we make a point to talk with the staff to gauge the environment and choose our battles. It is nice as a manager to have people report issues to you. People act very differently when a person of authority is in the room. There may be something brewing out on the floor but I could be clueless because I'm in a separate area. If your manager is genuinely asking if you're okay with your coworkers or if someone's behavior is affecting you I would be honest with them. You can do this without naming coworkers and keeping it vague. I skimmed a lot of the responses on here but didn't see anyone recommending you go to Human Resources. Have you tried speaking with an HR Rep? If there is a toxic culture they would (or should) be very interested in that behavior. They also would maintain a level of confidentiality (when asked) that your manager is not obligated to. Especially if your manager is asking you to "spy" on your coworkers; that is not okay. I would also recommend setting boundaries with management and coworkers. Just a polite but firm, I am uncomfortable with this conversation or I am uncomfortable with this question, can have a big impact. It may be awkward but that's where tone and body language help. Which brings me to my next point, I also agree with people that have said look honestly at your own behaviors. Sometimes we give off energy with our tone of voice/body language sends messages we are unaware of. You can verbally say "Hey, how was your weekend?" but your facial expression and tone of voice may send out vibes saying "I feel obligated to ask, I'm not really interested in you" My husband, for example, has what I call "Resting Grumpy Face". He is an introvert (very opposite of me in that way) and his expression and body language discourage people from approaching him in social situations. Internally he is perfectly content, comfortable, and he is friendly in conversation and enjoys talking with people. But you would never know that at first sight of him. Maybe take a look at yourself in that way, are you smiling? Is your tone short or flat? Is the language you use friendly or forceful?

    Hope this was helpful!!

98. AnonymousFebruary 20,2021 at 5:35PM UTC

    I have to say this is not uncommon. I have received similar treatment in alot of companies due to the toxic culture. It is not fair to blame the victim here. I happen to be one of those people who get on with most people (socially and at work I have made so many friends in previous companies from years ago that are still close friends now), I am easy going and get to know people easily, confident and very skilled/ good at my job.

    Unfortunately what is common is that with toxic or insecure work colleagues./managers see you as a threat and will try to disrespect you and mistreat you. They want to bring you down to their level

    I am also a person of color and although I never think about this as an issue as to why I am treated this way, I do think it makes me an easier target for mistreatment. Despite all the D&I policies now in place there will always be people who are biased and racist.
    I am same in that I will not be getting involved in gossip and generally well respected by people I work with on projects. However team colleagues who see you shine more and more can often then turn against you for no fault of your own. it is likely an issue with them not you.
    In toxic/cliquey work environments people gravitate to people like themselves who look like or behave the same way. This has been proven in all the unconscious bias training out there. what i find is that generally managers that have these traits, tend to favor their employees that have similar traits. so it is not a reflection on you!

    What you can do is just ask the basic small talk questions as positive as possible like how are you? how was your weekend?

    In culture's like this its best to get out and protect your own sanity and mental health and look for a work environment and people better suited which is exactly what I am doing now as a matter of urgency. Its best to surround yourself with coworkers that what to lift you up not bring you down

    some things I do when researching new companies and interviewing:
    1. research the company culture and read all reviews about the company you can, Glassdoor, Indeed, (remember sometimes companies write fake good reviews to boost the ratings, so read everything good and bad, also see if its there's any reviews for department you are applying for)
    2, ask about the company culture in interview
    3. ask about the culture within the team
    4. ask about management style
    5. ask why the role is open - did someone leave
    6. staff turnover is big clue to culture, if high turnover this is a warning sign!
    7. ask the same questions to everyone you are interviewed with

    unfortunately it is not always easy to tell if your new manager/coworkers are toxic but generally the less open they are or give some excuse is good sign.

    I am totally with you on this. it's easy for people to blame the victim please don't toxic narcissistic coworkers will gaslight you and make you think you are the problem.

    There are a lot of books you an read about how to survive toxic work cultures I recommend this one in particular:

    Emotional Vampires at Work: Dealing with Bosses and Coworkers Who Drain You Dry
    it will really help you to understand other peoples' behavior and how to respond.

99. AnonymousFebruary 20,2021 at 11:46PM UTC

    Yes, I have walked away from jobs and managers and working conditions that are toxic. One's mental health is important. Agree with you to do research on the company and the culture. I wish I had several years ago I could have walked into a better career position.

100. Jennifer L. BarrettFebruary 20,2021 at 5:56PM UTC

     If you're in a workplace that is rife with gossip and coworkers who regularly engage in "inappropriate topics" and urge you to do the same, that's a problem. And if the senior leaders are ignoring it or, worse, encouraging it, that is unlikely to change.

     It's unusual that you would experience that more than once, but this sort of behavior is more common in some industries than others.

     If you've found it difficult to connect with colleagues, it may be because you feel uncomfortable in a culture like this. And it's a matter of finding a place that aligns better with your values and fosters a sense of community and collaboration—one that doesn't tolerate gossip and inappropriate behavior. You can get a sense of that by reading employee reviews here or on Glassdoor from employees, by reading a company's values and mission statement, and having candid conversations with leaders before you accept a job. And btw, if you're feeling uncomfortable, chances are you're not alone. Employees may not speak out at work, but you can glean a lot from anonymous reviews. (Just keep in mind that they represent one perspective.)

     It may be worth thinking about the values that are important to you, and what you seek most in your next role and company culture before you start the search. Even taking time to write them out. That won't guarantee you get a perfect match next time, but that can serve as a filter as you look at different jobs and companies and will help you determine what questions to ask in interviews.

     There may be some work to be done internally, too, if you have trouble connecting with people. But I suspect from what you've written that much of this probably stems from feeling out of place in these work environments, and perceiving there is pressure to engage in activities or conversations that make you uncomfortable. If you don't feel like you can relate to your colleagues or understand their behavior, it makes sense that you'd be reluctant to connect.

     Hopefully that will change once you find a workplace in which you can feel comfortable and connected to your colleagues.

101. AnonymousFebruary 20,2021 at 6:55PM UTC

     I think a lot of people have some great advice. I’ll also add that sometimes you have to play the office politics game. I’m not saying that you have to gossip or report coworkers, but find a way to put out fires without trying to force an environment to change when it’s not going to.

     I’m currently working in the type of environment that you describe. My coworkers are gossipers and back stabbers and my supervisor encourages bad behavior by stirring the pot. What I’ve learned is that you’ll lose your sanity and career if you try to go against the grain so much by trying to force them to change. If they want to gossip, be pleasant but don’t engage. Change the subject to common ground and keep things positive. Or talk to them about the things they like and pretend you care even if you could care less. It seems insincere, yes, but it’s better to develop some kind of relationship than not. Pulling away and excluding yourself will only make matters worse, trust me. You’re there to work, not be friends.

     Lastly, do more things outside of work that bring you joy. I feel like my job is all I have because I don’t have a lot of friends, family that lives nearby, or a lot of hobbies anymore (thanks Covid). But I started making life outside of work more enjoyable and it’s made me realize more that my job is just my job.

102. Audrey KirschFebruary 20,2021 at 7:01PM UTC

     Office politics can ruin the atmosphere and make any job a chore. There are polite ways of telling co-workers that you're not comfortable gossiping or talking about other workers in a way that doesn't alienate them. If you want to remain in a group environment, then you need to learn those skills or you will continue being miserable. Personally, I found a position where I can work remotely. I still have frequent communication with co-workers via zoom and email, plus constant communication with vendors and clients. Somehow just being out of the everyday office environment has drastically changed my life and my work day is much more enjoyable. Finding employment more suited to your work style will bring you more joy than trying to fit in to toxic work environments.

103. FGB userFebruary 20,2021 at 7:28PM UTC

     Can you create other sources of income to depend on your FT job a bit less so it helps you detach?

104. Janet ParkhurstFebruary 20,2021 at 9:52PM UTC

     I joined this way late... But to touch on a few points: It's not just women who compete or indulge in petty gossip or jealousies! I worked in a very quiet production department of large company, where I was witness to the same two guys having dick wars almost every day. At first, I thought they were joking; just having good-natured sparring. Not! They hated each other and let the whole department know it. As for signs of any kind of a toxic environment? When applying for a new job many years ago, I asked to "interview" the women I would be working with! It proved to be a good move. They all seemed very warm and cordial and that turned out to be true! So, I would recommend this move to anyone. After all, getting along with coworkers can make or break a good work experience. And a last note to the OP: I would take a step back and review my own behavior and tendencies. This is not meant to be harsh, but I find it almost telling that you've attracted so many unhappy situations. Although you sound like a sincerely nice person, you may be communicating a wrong message, completely inadvertently. Maybe you're "all business" and nose to the grindstone and, while being a great worker, tend to ignore the "people" side of the deal. I think that's why recruiters are giving more and more attention to "soft skills" these days. Just be honest with yourself and I'm sure you'll find the right answer!

105. Carolyn AFebruary 20,2021 at 11:00PM UTC

     If your coworkers don't like you, changing your behaviour to gossip with them isn't going to improve the situation. Agree with everyone else - look at your own behaviour, goals, values, boundaries, ethics etc. If it's not a match with your current workplace look elsewhere.

106. BethFebruary 22,2021 at 11:15AM UTC

     I have struggled with this same issue in multiple roles in the healthcare industry. I too have been on a search to find a company and new industry that displays traditional working values that will not tolerate gossip and drama. I am a social being often at first being friendly and professional then developing friendships with coworkers and that is what has often gotten me into trouble EACH TIME! It always ends up with a handful of the most influential coworkers prying into my personal life through social media or using their influence to gain control in work situations. One conclusion I’ve been leaning toward is that no matter the industry, there will always be competitive, insecure, narcissistic personalities to contented with which makes for a consistent “check yourself” kind of awareness. I’ve recently had to deal with all these issues at the same company these last 4 years- having a manager literally “warn” me that the role was like a frog in a pot of boiling water. I’m starting to fight back and have begun to accept that this may cost me my job. On one hand its not worth the stress this causes but on the other its also not right to have to leave an otherwise good job. I wish i had the answers for you and hope that someday people will realize that we all have an effect on each other so we might as well make it a positive supportive and moral experience.

107. Charlotte F. PolandoFebruary 22,2021 at 4:23PM UTC

     There are so many great comments on this subject one comes to mind about women in the office. Women not all but some make it a pissing contest. Either ruled by different agendas, jealousy, felling threatened, and fear. I am sorry you are going through this, I to have experienced working in an office that gossip is a destroyer of the work environment. Team leadership is another and I have seen women in these positions try to dominate the people they manager over. It is a power that these women in a power position enjoy causing a havoc against each others. These mangers have are paranoid and trying to hold onto their own job. So that what I see here that is why this manager is asking you what others are doing and in a gossip and spying level. If other co-workers see you like this they will not trust you, and I could see this manager tossing you out to the wolves.
     First of all document, keep a daily work journal. Second find your ground your confidence, integrity is most important to you. Third seek guidance from HR or maybe personal counseling.
     I hate to say this but to be honest don't become a push over and someones escape goat. I too have been a victim of these and I had to really take a good look at myself of how I can improve myself.
     I wish you luck, be strong , stand strong ....

108. AnonymousFebruary 22,2021 at 10:11PM UTC

     I myself have experienced this in the hospitality industry at several places. Looking back, I wish I would have asked more questions regarding company culture, and had the opportunity to speak to actual employees not just the hiring managers. Asking lots of questions in your next role, if you choose to seek employment elsewhere, and even reaching out to existing employees via LinkedIn if you can regarding their experience. Read Glassdoor reviews, Indeed reviews, and bring up any repeating negative ones in the interview to get further clarification. Finding the right fit is so important and a culture that values you, good luck on your journey!

109. Donna MacdonaldFebruary 23,2021 at 5:02PM UTC

     I had the same issue with my career. I increasingly felt like a dinosaur. But please don't sway from your personal values and beliefs. There are practical things to do and others have given you some good advice here. Kindness and integrity will win out.