I have been working at a company for almost 2 years and I have not made any friends. I thought that I had made a friend last year but I found out/heard him discussing things that I mentioned to him (work and non work) with other colleagues and my supervisor several times. Also, he told lies about me by stating that, I said that I disliked the manager. He told me that it was a joke but the manager seemed to take it personal and believed it to be true as he is close with her. With me being new, those kind of lies did not do any good for me. So, I pulled away ever since and minimized communication and I am careful about what I discuss with him. I find it difficult to trust co workers even with work related things/info. My job is demanding and I am working on my computer most times. I chat with others sometimes when I'm on a break. But still, havent been able to make any friends. I'm introverted and shy but extroverted when I meet/chat with people with similar interests to me. Any advice? Thanks in advance.

7 Comments

1. AnonymousJune 20,2024 at 3:17PM UTC

   Work "friends" and personal friends are not nearly the same. I have always been very careful. Instinctively " with coworkers. I share very generic details of my life.

   My personal friends are my tribe. We depend on each other and share our lives. Very different dynamic.

2. AnonymousJune 20,2024 at 3:52PM UTC

   awww. so sorry that your (male) work peer was a jerk and talked about you to the manager and said untrue things. Now you know him for who he is, and you are wise to keep those conversations transparent and light. Currently, I "like" my work peers but they are not my tribe nor my personal friends. Life is like that; a true friend at work is more rare than we realize. However, I will also bet that there IS one or two very nice people you're working with who feel the same way- you just haven't gotten to know them yet. Perhaps someone in a much lower position than you? Perhaps the person in the mail room, at the reception desk, etc? There are nice people all over the world who are hungry for friendship. Don't stop being you, nor trying to find a work friend. He or she is there- but don't overshare as you begin to get to know people.

3. AnonymousJune 20,2024 at 4:25PM UTC

   Work is not the place to make friends. You should be friendly to your co-workers. But work and personal life should be like church and state (separate).

   i would seek outside activities to make friends and just remain personable and friendly at work, dont talk anything even remotely negative with a co-worker and share minimal info. Enough to stay friendly but not enough so they can spin anything or use anything against you.

4. AnonymousJune 20,2024 at 4:49PM UTC

   Work is just that, work.

   I actually have had a few coworkers comment on why I wouldn't accept their "friend requests" through social media and I would simply say that work is work and my home life is completely separate because in previous settings I regretted letting certain people into that part of my life and I won't do that again. 1 coworker still says I'm "too good" to be friends with anyone here and I typically follow-up with a comment like "Yes, my personal life is too good to be water cooler gossip!"

   Sorry I'm not more encouraging with work friends, but I would suggest looking for a local group to join, something not work related. Best of luck!

5. Joan Williams, Senior Talent Acquisition SpecialistJune 21,2024 at 1:08AM UTC

   People at work are your colleagues. If you would like to expand your personal friend circle, try volunteering, joining meet up groups or picking up a new hobby.

6. JJJune 21,2024 at 1:58AM UTC

   Can you find a hobby or volunteer to make friends? For most, work friends are just for work and if you leave, you are leaving your friends too.

7. AnonymousJune 21,2024 at 12:59PM UTC

   I'm sorry you're experiencing this.

   Here are some suggestions.

   -Maintain your peace (outside of work will fuel inside of work), hobbies, friends, family, pets, exploring, join a club.

   -Maintain your professionalism, don't allow this jerk to have you shrink at work. There are lots of videos and books about how to make friends at work (or even how to seem friendly and give a good impression).

   -Rise above office politics. Sounds like this colleague has influence but not power. Your manager has power but not influence and they're behaving like in high school.

   -Gather your supports in your personal life, including family, friends, a therapist, a career coach (and if cost is an issue, start with the online videos and books for great tips).

   -If there's a way to share things about yourself (e.g. if you have virtual/live team meetings and there is chit chat, mention a book you're reading or a show you're watching. It may be crickets at first or it may not. Either way, you're planting seeds for folks to come to you.

   -Work friends are not your friends, no matter how friendly. Some may cross over into friend territory (come to your house, celebrate your milestones, met your family, etc.- that's different). And for the ones who show you they aren't your friends by the type of behavior you described, you need to counter them in whatever manner fits your personality and the environment (jokingly, witty, directly saying "that's incorrect and I don't appreciate it, talk to me when you have something accurate and professional to say).

   Stand in the fact that sometimes work won't be friendly. It may not be cruel either. Somewhere in between. The desire for work friends is one thing. The desire to not be alone at work is another. If you want, start inviting folks to things- keep invitations open (a walk, a coffee run, are you going to the staff meeting now- can I walk with you?). Find the friendly office cheerleader or office parent (you know, the one that gets everyone to do things with a smile)- ask them if you can join them when they go out to lunch. They usually seek folks out and typically welcome folks . People can be creatures of habit and forget to ask. You'll also learn who you want to be friends with. If you have HR, ask them what clubs or groups exist at work. Either HR or the Employee Advisory Group or Wellness Group, ask them about work hobbies, clubs, or employee engagement activities. Many companies are clamoring to create community for retention. These groups / games/ surveys could be a way for you to find things in common. (I had someone seek me out at a job once because I mentioned a book I read and he liked the author).

   FWIW, I was told I was an extravert my whole life. Well, as research enhanced and information became more available, I learned I'm actually an ambivert. Whatever your categorization, play to your strengths and find folks who support you. At home and at work.

   As for this situation and this person and your lack of trust, that's related but different. There are techniques to learn to secure your work (namely, to document everything). If you've tried all you can and aren't happy, changing jobs is always an option.

   Good luck.