I am new to my job as an engineer at a pretty large company.

Anonymous

October 24,2022 at 4:55PM UTC

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I am new to my job as an engineer at a pretty large company. We have a small team, and the supervisor is trying to build the team. The team has gone out for lunch a couple of times - however I do not want to make a habit of that - but overall, I find that ok. However now he has asked the team to go out for dinner after work. I am finding this really stressful, as I have social anxiety to begin with (a bit of an ASPIE); this is a mixed gender group, these are my work colleagues and not my friends, and I not sure of the peer pressures that may happen differently - even timeframe, as we would not being going back to work afterward (ie. typical 1 hour lunch time parameter). I do not drink, dance, want to be in any awkward pictures, and I do not want to find myself in any difficult social situation. How do I say no and yet not be seen a team destroyer. I want to keep my free time after work to myself to rejuvenate as I need WLB.

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AnonymousOctober 24,2022 at 5:17PM UTC
Do you feel comfortable explaining your mental health issues to your boss, when people have no basis for not being social they tend to take it as a snub.
AnonymousOctober 24,2022 at 5:27PM UTC
If I was new, I would likely just make up an excuse to avoid any discomfort. Say you have therapy, yoga, plans with a friend in town, babysitting for a neighbor, online class/certification, ANY type of scheduled appointment. These dinners may be temporary while the team is developing. Wish them all a good time without you.
AnonymousOctober 24,2022 at 6:03PM UTC
You don't have to give a reason, just say you are unable to make after hours events work for you. if pressed, just say you have family obligations.
AnonymousOctober 24,2022 at 7:08PM UTC
Is it just this one dinner that you want to avoid or do you want to create an understanding that these society events/team get get togethers are events you need accommodations to not attend due to your mental health? To avoid this very stressful discussion every single time an event presents itself I would consider not offering empty excuses and instead come to a clear understanding at this time so you can comfortably be excused and still have your boss champion you as a team player. What people with social anxiety do to compound their disorder is to run away, hide behind continual excuses and never advocate for themselves. It creates so much anxiety based on the avoidance that it makes it worse. Rather than just handle it up front.
You'll be surprised at how understanding people can be. Even when they're not, it is better than hiding and dealing with the backlash it creates. I'm a believer that things are better shared in the light of day rather than hiding them in the dark.
Hold on Lee LouOctober 25,2022 at 1:06PM UTC
"Boss, It is difficult for me to attend after-hours events. Do you plan on dinners being a big part of our team-building, or is this a one-time outing?"
If it's a one-time outing, it's up to you whether you go out of your comfort zone or make an excuse. If an excuse, make it vague: "I have plans this time."
If he plans to make this a regular occurrence, you'll need to be more forthcoming and direct. Others have commented that you could share your issues with social anxiety, but in my opinion that's a medical concern that you do not have to disclose if it's not affecting your job. You can say that you often have after work obligations, but you would like to find ways to maintain your team relationships during work hours.
AnonymousOctober 25,2022 at 2:26PM UTC
My understand is …If you have been diagnosed for depression or anxiety you can formally ask for an ADA with HR for “triggering events.” One specific accommodation could be exceptions for social events.
AnonymousOctober 25,2022 at 3:44PM UTC
If you are mentally not able then you need medical accommodations to help you survive. You need to explain the severe damage social interactions cause you.