How do I deal with a gaslighting employee as a manager?

28 Comments

1. AnonymousOctober 4,2024 at 1:45AM UTC

   Ever single incident must be documented. When you are alone with her you do you best not to converse other than work related directions. You keep coaching AND counseling and documenting. Send her to training and have her take online harassment training. You call her out on every incident. Everything is documented. Let her know she's on a short leash. You do this or she will continue to ruin your team. It's never fair to allow someone to undermine the team. Her tenure is due to no one systematically addressing her behavior and subtle damage. She believes her behavior is acceptable.

2. AnonymousOctober 4,2024 at 1:34PM UTC

   Situation will never get better, even with training or an improvement plan, she’s been allowed to behave like this for far too long and clearly has no interest in doing better. Your time and efforts would be better spent hiring and training new staff. Formally document every incident and every conversation you have with her (date/time etc.) and start the formal process to fire her. You can bet she will claim wrongful termination and time stamped unalterable documents will be helpful!

3. AnonymousOctober 4,2024 at 2:28PM UTC

   You're dealing with a self-centered (mildly narcissistic) prima donna. Your correct response is to continue to document the negative incidents that involve her, and then confront her with the facts about (what I'd call) her acts of insubordination. Give her a written warning with a firm directive that if things don't improve by:(you set the date) then she's terminated. Have her sign off on the warning too - with a date. That way she'll not be able to say that she didn't know about it. (lol) All the best.

4. Lisa GregoryOctober 4,2024 at 2:28PM UTC

   Fire them. People who seek to lie before accepting responsibility and finding a solution are not trainable. Too many people want/need a job for you to put up with insubordination and disrespect.

5. AnonymousOctober 4,2024 at 6:36PM UTC

   Both Starbucks and Marriott have behavior guidelines and policies that are very clear and very strictly observed. You as a manager must uphold these policies and guidelines. Be proactive about your counseling and her training. You must address this behavior. She's bold because she's allowed to be. Without writing her up and training her she wins.

6. AnonymousOctober 4,2024 at 11:57PM UTC

   Did she think she would be manager and you got the job? Or do you think she is generally this problematic?

   I suggest that first you talk to your manager and agree together how to handle her when you are alone. Your boss already knows who the troublemaker is (and it is not you) and it is in your shared best interest to handle this professionally and a way the troublemaker does not sue Starbucks.

   It will likely involve documenting everything carefully and writing down who else was there. It may even involve having someone from corporate 'on the line' when you speak with her to avoid handling her 1:1 (and to provide a witness).

   Ultimately, Starbucks (or Marriott, not really sure who your boss is in this situation!) do not want unhappy customers OR for them to get sued for wrongful termination/harassment or whatever else this troublemaker will stir up.

   In this case, it does not show weakness that you are seeking help. It shows you see the big picture and you, as Manager, understand your role to protect the company and brand.

   Other than that, I am sorry you are dealing with this. I do think you should consider if the troublemaker may be butthurt about not getting your job and is acting out. This does not excuse her behavior, but it will help understand her motivations when you talk and deal with her.

7. AnonymousOctober 5,2024 at 2:45AM UTC

   Starbucks is a PUBLIC COMPANY as is MARRIOTT. Doesn't have anything to do with at will. If you want to avoid lawsuits from people who spend 10 years at your public company, the you must show a paper trail and a lengthy counseling investment. Again it has nothing to do with "at will" and EVERYTHING to do with optics.

8. AnonymousOctober 5,2024 at 2:46AM UTC

   Optics is everything with public companies like Starbucks abd Marriott.

9. AnonymousOctober 5,2024 at 12:46PM UTC

   Do let us know how you end up dealing with this.

10. AnonymousOctober 5,2024 at 2:18PM UTC

    Why does she still have a job there? Enough already. Hopefully, you've documented everything. It's time to part ways. Please let us know what happens.

11. Diane CarpenterOctober 5,2024 at 3:15PM UTC

    Document document final warning. Termination

12. AnonymousOctober 5,2024 at 3:52PM UTC

    You need to put her on a PIP - performance improvement plan. Working for such a major employer your HRBP- HR Business Partner should be able to help you draft and craft one to assure that this person gets the proper reprimand, guidance and training. The advantage of a PIP is that it is time boxed and if the person does not improve during that time period you can terminate them with or without cause. Definitely document each situation, incident, conversation, etc. Try not to be with her solo as her gaslighting is evidence of her trying to control you and the situation. When she went around you to your upper level that was the final straw IMHO for how to approach this to try to resolve the situation. Good luck, as a manager this is what you get to figure out....

13. AnonymousOctober 5,2024 at 9:32PM UTC

    You're kidding right lol?

14. Joan Williams, Senior Talent Acquisition SpecialistOctober 5,2024 at 9:40PM UTC

    How has this person not been fired already? Y'all have put up with this nonsense for 10 years?

    PIP her and fire her. Document everything.

15. CMTOctober 5,2024 at 10:20PM UTC

    If you are a right to hire and fire state you really don’t need to do anything just dismiss her

    i would document what you already stated but you, your boss and the team are all in agreement

16. AnonymousOctober 6,2024 at 1:35PM UTC

    The simple answer to your next-to-last question is to never be alone with her. Make sure you always have someone watching or witnessing your conversations. Performance Improvement Plan immediately, and make sure it lists "termination from employment" as a possible consequence of not following the plan to the letter.

    As for her issue with chronic pain, has she asked for any ADA accommodations, or does she have a doctor's note that requires her to limit the scope of what she does? If not, write her up and then, at the first infraction, get her out the door. It is detrimental to the rest of the team and does not work well for a client-facing person to act this way (basically ignoring customers waiting in line). I get angry when this happens and seldom return.

17. maria roseOctober 6,2024 at 4:44PM UTC

    The other commenters highlighted the issue on the nose. This employee may be able to do the job but has several tendencies to manipulate how they work and when they work by their verbal manipulation in communication and using claims of physical pain. At least you have support from your head manager who also realized that this employee likes to manipulate the situation to make their job easier for them only—Starbucks works with a team concept and one person playing the I creates problems—this individual must have some skills that have kept them employed for 10 years and probably should have been evaluated to at least been given an opportunity to run a shift here and there over that time period but is still just an employee. That might explain the reasoning behind her behavior. Perhaps you and the head manager could take a united front and place this employee in charge of a few shifts while you observe the process of how things are coordinated, but I also get the impression that this employee won’t cooperate or be enticed by the opportunity and would rather verbally criticize instead. If the honey approach to get this employee involved doesn’t work, then the only approach is to come down with the stick approach—which is to document every time this individual has a need to leave or be absent keeping detailed notes—day of the week, time of the day, reason used , events that happened that brought up the request—until you have a pattern of behavior—if this is a chronic physical condition, they would have doctors documentation that will explain the why they have re-occurrences —like an accident that causes pain occasionally or they have inflammation issues. What has happened with the past store managers that tolerated this behavior ( most probably because they needed staff members and rather tolerate with these tendencies so they had a physical body present. And this person has probably lasted longer than many managers who have come and gone throughout the whole time they have been working at this location. It’s a pro/con situation. It’s not a common occurrence for a retail worker to stay long term but those that do can be helpful if you can achieve a working rapport without negating the team work environment. I am going to assume that the OP of this post feed, feels they have insights in management because of their background but has never viewed the mechanics of the employment from the “lowly “ employee viewpoint. Sometimes it takes working the actual job to really see the best way to coordinate the work for the best approach. At least the management team here doesn’t want to fire this employee but wants to create a more positive workplace environment which could do without the negative feedback which might mean so uncomfortable conversations with tact to acknowledge this employee’s contribution to the store and find away to stop their negative behavior which is probably a just a reflection of protecting themselves from being fired. Remember they have been doing this job for 10 years and have seen many changes made along the way that they don’t always agree with, despite Starbucks the company claims that they are making changes based on employee feedback. Make this employee feel their input matters.

18. AnonymousOctober 8,2024 at 12:33PM UTC

    No. Do not give this person power over others. I wish there was a downvote button for this post. Document enough to get her out of there and send her packing.

19. maria roseOctober 8,2024 at 7:30PM UTC

    I did not suggest giving this individual power over the situation but was suggesting a way for the current management to assert their control over the situation, using the what should have been done over the years that this employee has been employed. Remember this employee has been working over 10 years with many differ ent managers and is still employed and has habits ( good and bad) that have been tolerated. The bad habits are what needs to be addressed and there is a correct way to do this—using the verbal/written documentation communication tactic that all management has at their disposal. I am quite sure this employee has never been handled/ supervised by the previous managers this way. No employment place has perfect employees but a lot of times in retail business, managers tend to not effectively correct their employees for their behavior ( verbal or otherwise) because they rather know they have someone present there then have no staff. This is the situation in this case. A brand new manager ( whom we have no idea of how long they have been in retail management) is facing dealing with an outspoken staff member who has gotten away with this behavior and is still a valued long term employee. You can’t just fire this employee, you find a way to utilize them for your benefit and address their negative behavior accordingly. This is is why management needs to be consistent with documentation beyond verbal communication. You will see patterns that can be predicted. I, say this from personal experience, as I inherited a problem employee, that made managers before me quit because they failed to find a way to utilize this employee to their benefit. My problem employee like to only work a certain number of weeks at work ( needed for have their benefits)!because they needed the time off to work on their own business projects which they earned undeclared income from. All I had to do was figure out the pattern and schedule them to work when I knew they would come to work. And ignored their “advice “ about doing things better because I saw that they were not seeing the whole picture of running the show even when given the chance to do it. They considered the paperwork part unnecessary and refused to do it. If you have an employee who is productive excellent but useless for supervising, you work with their skills without negating them. This employee knows how to get away with getting out doing things they don’t want to do and uses the feeling sick approach to get time off, which surprisedly no previous management has noted —reoccurring pain does not start unless it has a cause. The current management doesn’t have a written record from previous management but they can create it now and hold to it. If this employee really wants to be a manager, you are making them responsible for their actions.( actions has consequences) . All I am saying is that the management needs to be managers and stop being the BFFs of the crew.

20. AnonymousOctober 6,2024 at 11:49PM UTC

    Fire her. Give her 1 week to prove she’s worth keeping. If not let her go.

21. AnonymousOctober 8,2024 at 3:07PM UTC

    Seriously, she does not seem to be worth all this trouble.

22. AnonymousOctober 30,2024 at 12:15PM UTC

    I would if I could

23. AnonymousOctober 30,2024 at 11:14PM UTC

    Put her in a PIP. Work with HR. She can and will ruin business.

24. Milissa JacobsOctober 8,2024 at 2:48PM UTC

    document document document. You will need those notes later. Let her know that you are documenting.

25. MidwestMaven456October 8,2024 at 2:51PM UTC

    First, document everything. Write it down and keep notes on all incidents AND make her sign them. You should have cameras in the shops, so keep those for evidence, even if there is no audio.

    Second, is this a full time or part time person? If they are part time, start cutting back on the hours and putting them where YOU need them, not where they want to be.

    Next, start having meetings with a follow-up email so that EVERYONE knows what is going on and is required of them.

    As for the "hurt" or "sick" days, make it policy for all that if you leave early, you need to sign a paper as to why. If she is hurt, file a report as to the how/why. Every time she leaves, she has to sign a paper as to why.

    FYI the idea of having a recording of conversations is a good idea. See if it is legal in your state. All you have to do is post up that things in the store may be recorded (like they do on customer service lines) and you can catch her out for not doing what she was told.

26. AnonymousOctober 8,2024 at 3:44PM UTC

    The very first thing I would check this person is if she swipe badge, clock in for timesheet in person. If this is the person on the actual payroll on that payscale, physical on site during working hours.

    The second thing I would check is the conflict of interests. why there’re so much different with you expect her to do verse what she suppose to.

    The third thing I would check is what she swore about. Use code of conduct, if he/she lied in swore up and down, if you lied in reporting, industry maybe different but the principal guidelines should stay the same to achieve business goal. If it meet moral standards, prevent fraud, control risk, assure compliance.

    it sounds like the situation is neurodivergent, deep fakeAI before get into the financial numbers, market manipulation, miss statements, error reporting.

27. AnonymousOctober 16,2024 at 4:14PM UTC

    She's rude to you, neglectful to customers, how she must be to her coworkers?! Be careful that she does not make your good employees run away...

28. missbOctober 18,2024 at 8:40PM UTC

    I don't know why she's not fired already. I'm in NYC and it's at will. I have been fired for a lot LOT LOT less. Like, not even my fault kinda fired.