DISCUSSIONS

I have a question: how would you politely turn down a request to be a reference?

Anonymous Image

Anonymous

Welcome to Fairygodboss!

We’re the largest online career community helping women achieve their career goals. Gain access to articles, jobs, events, and a supportive network of women and allies. Membership is free, always.

I have a question: how would you politely turn down a request to be a reference?

A little backstory: at the request of a former colleague, I spoke with a young woman who was extremely interested in an internship at my company for the upcoming semester. She’s a lovely girl, and is excited about the industry. We chatted about the company, and the industry in general, and I also helped her refine her cover letter a bit - she’s still in school, so I just gave her some pointers to put it into a more business-like format so that she could use the framework for applying elsewhere.

The fun part: her mother, however is the pushiest person I have ever met in my life. When her daughter and I were setting up a time to talk, her mother emailed me no less than three times to “convince me” to talk to her. I ignored those emails, with preference for dealing with the person who actually wanted to talk to me.

Her mother emailed me again today, first to thank me (which her daughter already did), and to ask me to be a reference for her daughter. Firstly: I’ve only ever had the one conversation with her, and secondly, I no longer work for the company that she’s applying to. I parted with them on okay terms, but…

I’m having trouble with a polite way to say say no. I could agree I guess, knowing that they likely won’t call since I’m not there anymore, but what do you think? How would you phrase it?

Why women love us:

  • Daily articles on career topics
  • Jobs at companies dedicated to hiring more women
  • Advice and support from an authentic community
  • Events that help you level up in your career
  • Free membership, always

Like

13 comments

Share

Share your insight

Join an authentic community that helps women support each other at work. Share your professional experience or ask for advice — you can even post anonymously.

13 Comments

Join the conversation
  1. Sharon Grehan

    Good for you for mentoring this young girl while fending off a pushy (despite likely good intentioned) parent. I would phrase your response along the lines of "I was happy to help your daughter with information and refinement of her cover letter, she thanked me and it was great to meet her. Unfortunately, I only provide references for people I have worked with for a minimum of x months. It may be best for her to get a reference from someone who knows her work ethic - maybe a teacher?"

  2. Joan Williams, Senior Talent Acquisition Specialist

    I think Sharon gave an excellent suggestion below about the wording - that you only provide references for people you've actually worked with.

    I would not beat around the bush with this woman nor worry about hurting her feelings. You need to be straight forward with her and firm or she will come back to you again and try to convince you.

  3. BethB

    Why do you need to worry about how you handle the mom? Be polite and also be blunt. Your daughter seems lovely and I wish her the best of luck on a king and great career. Since I haven’t ever worked with her I can’t be a reference. Frankly it would be quite awkward for both of us and won’t look good for her at all. Let her find references, people who actually know her.

    Often pushy people don’t understand or accept subtlety.

  4. Anonymous

    Just calmly let her know that it's not in your hand as you already left the company and that her daughter is good enough and doesn't need a reference.

  5. ReachingGoals

    Ugh, we dealt with a mother like that once at my old job. She wanted her daughter to get the spring/summer internship we had (she was an architect student). We really didn’t want the kid because of the mom, but the girl was sweet so we caved. She was smart, engaging, and willing to do what was asked. It was a good decision on our part, but we TOTALLY screwed her mother.

    Came to find out in those months that the daughter hated architecture, didn’t want to be an architect and was forced into it by her mom. “I’m paying for college so you will do what I tell you to do”. So we logically asked what did she want to do? A baker. She wanted to be a professional baker. She took classes when she could, tried new recipes, practiced all the time. And her sweets were AWESOME. So we asked her why not do it? She was stunned. We suggested she finish the semester and graduate, then go forth and do what she wanted. SHE DID! and oh my, was her mom pissed at us.

  6. Anonymous

    This woman is going to destroy her daughter’s career before it even starts! I’d explain that I no longer work for the company and would not be an appropriate reference. And then I’d kindly but maybe not so gently explain to this woman that she needs to step aside and let her daughter fend for herself because at some point she is going to contact the wrong person and end up ruining her daughter’s chances for a job if not destroying her daughter’s future career. Some people just need to be told the way the world goes ‘round.

  7. Harley Raptor

    Since it's the mom asking and not the daughter, I'd say something to the fact that I don't discuss other people's careers with outside parties and she's doing her daughter a disservice by injecting herself into situations she doesn't belong.

    You don't owe the mom an explanation, she's a third party. And I think giving her an explanation will encourage her to keep going. But I would discuss her behavior with her because she's not third party there.

  8. Rich

    Several people have said it very well.

    1) "I only give references for people with whom I have worked professionally. Anything else risks being unethical since I would be talking about something that I have not seen."

    2) "Mom, you are hurting your daughter's career by involving yourself in this way. There is extensive experience showing that when parents attempt to 'help' their children like this, it always ends up hurting the kids and usually damages their relationships. Your daughter wants to stand on her own two feet and be proud of what she does. You deprive her of that chance when you interfere in her career. Further, her prospective boss will never want to hear from you. Each time she does, your daughter will go down in her estimation. I strongly encourage you to just encourage your daughter, and answer her questions, but do nothing else. Let her be proud of her accomplishments."

  9. Stephanie F, MSHRM

    I have been in this situation, minus the parent (but have had other situations of parents calling me on behalf of their kids).

    A sweet young lady wanted me to be her reference and I stated that I, unfortunately, cannot since we have never worked together professionally and I did not know her personally. I recommended that she ask her supervisor or professor (I'm in higher ed). I had never even met her, only led the team who hires students and temps which I guess she was one and we hired 4,000+ each year.
    She has since gotten hired in a temp role in our division and now we are working together professionally as I get to know her work ethic.

    As for parents who interject, I too ignore and do not respond. And when they call me, I ask that they have their kid call and speak with me if truly interested. In my case, these are college kids learning their way and they need to do it on their own as they learn to adult. I have had a few high school kids for summer internships and I tell those parents to allow their kids to take the lead as well. They can direct them from the shadows as minors.

  10. IntentionGirl299847

    Just say no and do not enable the mother's rude and bullying behavior. You owe her zero explanations or time. Block her number if she's calling and do not reply to texts, calls, or emails.

  11. Anonymous

    Here's the simple response. I'm happy to chat with your daughter however my professional references are absolutely only given when I have worked in a professional business setting with someone for a minimum of a year in either the same department or as a peer or manager. So respectfully, no. I cannot be a reference for her but I surely will cheer her job search from the sidelines and if I see any positions posted where she might fit I am happy to send those on directly to her. - EOS (end of story)

  12. Liz Milne

    I would be a bit snotty to the mom, if it was me.

    'I'm sorry, who are you? Whether or not I've had dealings with [daughter's name], I am not comfortable sharing privileged information about her with you. If she chooses to share information with you, that is up to her, but I will not do it. And I will certainly not provide a reference at the request of someone I do not know and have never met.'

    See what happens next :)

  13. Anonymous

    OP here: thank you for all your advice! I sent her a polite note declining, and she took it rather well, considering, lol

Browse recent posts

Netwroking Event: Treating Interviews as Sales Conversations and Communicating Your Value 11/13 11AM ET
Networking Event: Treating Interviews as Sales Conversations and Communicating Your Value 11/13 11AM ET
When you role ends your experience goes with you....
Ready to land your next sales or marketing role? 🚀💜
Hiii everyone!
I'm. Current looking for remote jobs
See more
Fairygodboss VIP
Achieve your career goals.
Be part of the largest online career community for women to find jobs, advice, and support — for free.
Fairygodboss members