Is this unkind of me?

Anonymous

July 14,2022 at 2:25PM UTC

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Is this unkind of me?

In the past, my male boss has made comments about me being too emotional, but when others on the team, including him, have times of emotionality, it seems to be fine in that nobody else seems to have this viewed as a flaw in the same way he sees it as being a flaw in me.

My boss has been participating in stressful and complex negotiations with the CEO over the last few weeks about a new project. EVERY SINGLE TIME I've met with my boss during this period, or even mentioned the CEO or the new project in virtual chats, my boss has mentioned how stressful the whole process is and how emotionally draining its been. That's not an exaggeration. He said this morning that emotionally he wasn't ready to ask the CEO about X, Y, and Z right now on my behalf but would be ready to do so in a week.

I understand that dealing with requests further up the ladder means there is a need to wait for the right time and have no problem with it. However, I don't understand the why and how it's appropriate or fair for my boss to continually mention his emotional state to me as he navigates this process.

Dare I ask, am I being a *b* because I'm fighting the urge to say, "Your emotional well-being isn't my problem, just like you've made it clear that my emotions have no place in the workplace."

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Lesa Edwards, Career Coach & Master Resume WriterJuly 14,2022 at 2:56PM UTC
If you haven't asked for specifics as to when your boss perceives you as being too "emotional," I would do so. You can then ask about times you've noticed others on the team being (in your opinion) too emotional - did he perceive them in the same way?
You'll need to come at this from a place of curiosity - "Please help me understand what you mean by me being too emotional," "How did you receive it when Suzie said X?"
This might be the beginning of your boss' increased awareness of how he perceives others (including you), which can be a first step in helping him understand how he is being perceived. Baby steps here...
Anne KrookJuly 14,2022 at 5:17PM UTC
OMG I feel for you. I don't think you should say this, but next time he says it to you, you could say "I remember when you said you were too emotional to handle [situation]; how did you handle that then?"
AnonymousJuly 14,2022 at 7:53PM UTC
Really won't make much difference and might reflect as petty on your part.
IntentionGirl630054July 14,2022 at 9:52PM UTC
Ah, welcome to the inequality of working for a male boss whose usual experience with women in his life is that they are 'too emotional' and apparently you said something that triggered that reaction. It is clearly an inappropriate statement for him to have made. Period. Unfortunately, we are all human and we bring our human tendencies to work, despite any and all training we get. My best recommendation is to read Deborah Tannen's books "That's not what I meant" and, especially "You just don't understand" - just as men in management positions tend to view their employees with the same lens of their personal relationships, women sometimes use age-old processes that have worked well (or not) in their personal relationships -- I am not excusing him for making that statement, I would just pick up suggestions from reading these books and see if you can move your conversation with your boss to a new level. And the next time he suggests you are being too emotional, you might mention that you are that passionate about your work ;) best of luck -- it isn't easy to step forward and take the high ground...
Joshua CorderoJuly 15,2022 at 12:28PM UTC
He is acting as a blocker, go around him.
Also, we often criticize things in others that we know(consciously or unconsciously) we struggle with ourselves. He gets on you for being "too emotional" because in somewhere his mind is triggered to think of the many times he has acted "too emotionally" and he gets embarrassed.
Overall I would say, he doesn't sound ready to be your boss. Find a new one.
MandyJuly 15,2022 at 12:41PM UTC
You should absolutely say that. Call him out on his bs. And also be looking for another job.
Brenda CrawshawJuly 15,2022 at 12:51PM UTC
It is pretty unlikely that anything you say to him is going to land well. If you believe that you may be able to create a paradigm shift you may want to say something like "I would like to be receptive to your difficulties with your emotional energy around this but in the past, you made it clear to me that emotions shouldn't be factored into the equation. What would make you feel supported given that you've asked me not to share my own emotional responses?"
AnonymousJuly 15,2022 at 1:46PM UTC
Any comment you make like this with be retributive in nature and intent. I don’t get the sense you have any interest in trying to partner with your boss to genuinely and authentically help him navigate this situation. While I understand your frustration with this double standard, it WILL backfire on you! You’ll be perceived as insubordinate and combative. I agree with others that if you make a statement like the one on you post, you should be aggressively looking for a new job. Choose to discontinue this pattern of behavior and don’t get involved in this pissing contest with your boss. You won’t win. Plus, you’re better than this. Choose not to play the least common denominator game.
Crystal HowellJuly 16,2022 at 12:46PM UTC
Just turn it around, I understand how you feel this project is emotionally draining, how can I help in making it any easier?