I’m struggling with a colleague who consistently behaves in a bullying and retaliatory way.

40 Comments

1. Dr. Patty GrossOctober 28,2025 at 12:57PM UTC

   Yes, and if management does not seem willing to correct this situation, and the offers on the table are reasonable and align with your career path, personally, I would take the offer and not look back. Your mental health is not worth the loyalty you obviously feel toward this company, which obviously does not care enough for its employees to correct a toxic workplace.

2. AnonymousOctober 28,2025 at 1:47PM UTC

   You accept it. Obviously leadership fully does.

3. AnonymousOctober 28,2025 at 2:14PM UTC

   Based on my experience, it does not get better. In fact, people like this feel emboldened since they feel supported by those in authority who refuse to hold them accountable. Since you have two offers, I would encourage you to accept one of them. Sadly, it will not get better.

   Best wishes.

4. AnonymousOctober 28,2025 at 2:25PM UTC

   We might all have. Firstly, only make a move to somewhere new if it truly is going to be a career move that will enhance you and where you want your career to go. If you prefer to stay be firm with your leadership and let them know that you are working in a hostile workplace and cite a few examples of specifics targeted toward you only that make you want to consider a move to another department or company. Ask them for an investigation and that you want to feel safe and protected from harm at work. It is their responsibility to do this. If they do nothing you have your answer.

   Another possible alternative would be to stop going to meetings with her unless there is a 3rd party involved and do all the work with her in writing and start documenting the specific behavior that has you concerned. Her work product is not your affair, that should be left to her direct manager, unless it trickles down to you and causes you to fail. Then you should bring it up. Not knowing if there is an HR resource you could ask for intervention from them alongside of your manager and get them to put together a plan under the guise of better and less friction in your interactions so that you can all produce better.

5. AnonymousOctober 28,2025 at 2:59PM UTC

   If her work is sub-par, what exactly is keeping her in her position? Be transparent with leadership. Tell them the toxicity of this person is affecting others and their work. It's unsustainable and will lead to multiple employee exits, including yours. It costs companies money and disrupts their operations to replace employees. Does the firm want to remedy this now or face multiple replacements down the road of more valuable team members?

6. AyianOctober 28,2025 at 3:08PM UTC

   I have dealt with this and you have only one course to deal with this: document everything. Follow up on convos with her with an email like "Just following up on our conversation earlier. You said xyz and I will do abc." This way, there's a trail of behavior, particularly if she's being contradictory. Collect all of this and submit it to HR if there is one. If there isn't an HR department, bring it to her supervisor with the discussion topic that this person is a detriment to team morale and employee retention.

   They will either make it clear through words or actions that they will continue to tolerate the behaviors or this person will be put on report. Either is an answer for you - to stay or look for somewhere that doesn't tolerate aggressive and/or hostile behavior.

7. Diana SchneidmanOctober 30,2025 at 1:24PM UTC

   Explain the situation to your boss the same way you posted it here. Don't waste time on documentation. They can see what's going on and they don't care apparently. Depending on what the boss says, resign immediately if they're not going to do anything about it. Everyone in the world is a little bit crazy. That's part of being human. But that doesn't mean it has to be accommodated in the workplace

8. Dionne RomanOctober 28,2025 at 3:56PM UTC

   Leave

9. Tami CannizzaroOctober 28,2025 at 4:36PM UTC

   Leadership knows about this person. For whatever reason they choose to keep her, or not remove her at this time. I've been there. Leadership/HR does not want to hear playground drama - and I apologize for using this phrase, yet that's what it sounds like to them. We have to assess the situation and decide what's in our best interest: Stay, knowing that this person may or may not leave. Or go to a new opportunity that includes some unknown elements. It's a choice many of us have had to make. Evaluate your offers: do either provide career opportunities that enhance your experience should you decide to move on from that job in the future? If so, it may be worth accepting one if you are at your breaking point.

10. AnonymousOctober 28,2025 at 11:15PM UTC

    Of course, you should carefully evaluate the offers before leaving; make sure the compensation and job security are acceptable to you. If they are, get the heck out of the toxic environment and make a fresh start elsewhere. Considering that there have already been complaints filed about this person, management is aware. She is likely the sister-in-law to one of the bigwigs or some similar issue that means she will keep her job no matter how terrible she is at it. It's better to be somewhere you are appreciated and have peace.

11. AnonymousOctober 28,2025 at 11:38PM UTC

    If its documented and she's still there she either knows where the bodies are buried, is in a protected class, or the company just allows it. Either way keep looking and I hope you find a company with a healthy environment

12. AnonymousOctober 29,2025 at 11:11AM UTC

    There is always one or two unbearable people regardless of where you work. Maybe you can find a remote position.

13. Nova SmithOctober 29,2025 at 12:03PM UTC

    Ignore her. She's over-compensating. She is aware that she's lacking.

14. AnonymousOctober 29,2025 at 12:26PM UTC

    If the company is aware of her behavior and continues to tolerate it, I'm not sure I'd want to stick around there.

15. AnonymousOctober 29,2025 at 12:46PM UTC

    At the end of the day you can’t control anyone. You can’t force management to act. You will likely NEVER change her. You can only control yourself. You have to accept and ignore her or leave.

16. Zeecil KimmelOctober 29,2025 at 12:57PM UTC

    You should leave. A company that allows this behavior and does nothing to protect its employees is showing loud and clear who they are. You should believe them and go find a supportive company.

17. AnonymousOctober 29,2025 at 1:04PM UTC

    I think everyone has dealt with a workplace bully at some point in their careers. Some are overt, while others are covert to the point of being passive aggressive. You're dealing with a hardcore personality that totally wears her dysfunction on her sleeve. Maybe the reason that she's being allowed to go in with her behavior is because someone in leadership is thinking (erroneously) that she's getting results? The thing with a person like this, though, is eventually she's going to push the wrong "button" and everything she's built her reputation on is going to blow up in her face and she'll be done. Until then, I'd like to encourage you to hang tough, especially if you like what you're doing! All the best.

18. AnonymousOctober 29,2025 at 1:20PM UTC

    I would look seriously at those other offers you have on the table. Its obvious that this woman is toxic and its beyond a personality conflict between you and her. The fact that leadership has failed to intervene and keeps her around says a lot about the integrity of this company. It could be that nobody wants to rock the boat because she is the cousin, best friend or lover of someone high up the food chain. Unfortunately, I don't see things getting better for you any time soon.

19. AnonymousOctober 29,2025 at 2:50PM UTC

    Leave, if management is aware and her behavior is still happening, nothing will be done. It shows a lot about a company, when they are willing to loose multiple employees over one bad seed.

20. AnonymousOctober 29,2025 at 7:56PM UTC

    Suffering is a choice. If your leadership is aware of the behavior and they tolerate it, I'm not sure what you think will change.

    Sounds like you've escalated already and nothing has been done. Time to move on.

21. AnonymousOctober 30,2025 at 12:12PM UTC

    Time to leave. Your colleague is obviously well connected at your current company.

    since you have other job offers - why put yourself through anymore emotional abuse and trauma. It’s not to say your nest place will be perfect. But don’t settle.

22. AnonymousOctober 30,2025 at 12:27PM UTC

    I have dealt with a manager like that and she was a work friend before she was my manager. After several direct conversations the behavior did not change even with repeated bad year end reviews I decided I had to go to my Director for help which was my manager‘s boss. Our director is fantastic so she dealt with the matter and basically we had kind of like an intervention and talked it out. It did help. If you decide to not pursue trying to fix the situation then I would just pursue the other offers and give one hell of an exit interview so that you can help future people and current people that have to deal with this person.

23. Kathleen Norton-SchockOctober 30,2025 at 12:29PM UTC

    My sainted mother used to say, 99.9% of the world's (or your) problems can be solved or ameliorated by clear, comprehensive, succinct communication. It is my humble opinion that you need to COMMUNICATE, having documented these issues in detail, with your immediate boss (or bosses) and ask for action. And you can include stats like these to get upper management to consider THEIR part in a situation like this, and remedies for other employees (because, IMHO, this person has a form of mild mental illness). A significant portion of the working population experiences mental health challenges. Some studies indicate that around one in six people (14.7%) experience mental health problems at work, while others suggest up to 20% of workers may experience psychological symptoms on any given day. For instance, one recent survey found that 36% of U.S. workers are experiencing symptoms related to depression or anxiety on any given day.

    About 1 in 6 people (14.7%) experience mental health problems in the workplace, according to one source.

    Another source estimates that up to 20% of workers may experience psychological symptoms on any given day, based on research from the {Link: National Institutes of Health}.

    In the U.S., a recent study found that 36% of workers are experiencing symptoms of depression or anxiety on a given day.

    Poor working environments, including excessive workloads, job insecurity, discrimination, and inequality, can pose a risk to mental health.

    Workplace conditions are a significant contributor to mental health challenges for a large majority of workers.

    Impact:

    Poor mental health can lead to high turnover rates, absenteeism, and decreased productivity.

    Globally, depression and anxiety cause an estimated 12 billion working days to be lost every year. So any humane and responsible workplace should be offering therapy and intervention to this person, and the people she has negatively affected.

24. AnonymousOctober 30,2025 at 12:33PM UTC

    I walked away when it was happening to me. I was in a position to do something about it. I was also the biggest target so anything I did to curb/hold accountable their behavior, would look like retaliation. So one day, after the last erroneous complaint/bullying episode, I resigned. You have to decide what your tolerance threshold is. I wasn't sure what mine was until the day I sent my resignation letter.

25. Laurie Ann CedilnikOctober 30,2025 at 1:17PM UTC

    I know half of us are reading this like “I wonder if she’s talking about X from my old job?” You’re not, but they’re our old jobs for a reason. She’s not going to change, and if no one has held her accountable at this point they never will. Her still being there is a sign of something seriously wrong with the organization, if it’s a smaller one, or at very least the department if it’s a bigger org. Congrats on your two offers! Pick your favorite and fly; this woman isn’t going anywhere.

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27. AnonymousOctober 30,2025 at 1:47PM UTC

    I've seen and experienced this type of thing once or twice in my career and it's not pleasant. The worst scenario was a practice manager at a Law firm who had been there over 20 years.

    She had worked for this law firm since college, had no discernable legal expertise or credentials, and not only was she aggressively running herd over the legal support staff, she felt free to take her bullying over to the attorneys as well.

    When I had enough of her nonsense, I brought her antics to the attention of the principal of the firm he said to me "you have to get along with X if you want to work here." I replied that I'd far rather protect my license and my ability to make a living as opposed to take orders from an idiot.

    When I gave notice the next day he was actually shocked..... smh....

    Lesson learned ... If no one has held her accountable or attempted to correct her behavior/actions, they probably never will and her still being there, for over 20 years now, is a clear sign that something is seriously wrong with the organization and that she serves some specific function that you probably don't even want to know about.

    I know the particulars that I won't share publicly but I will never regret walking out of that place........

    Unfortunately, someone like this isn't ever going anywhere.

28. AnonymousOctober 30,2025 at 1:59PM UTC

    I would immediately move on from this company. You say that numerous complaints by others have been filed against this person and yet the company has seemingly done nothing to remedy the situation, so that tells me that they are not going to intervene. Often times companies will shy away from terminating someone who is a member of a "protected class" for fear of a lawsuit (my daughter is currently dealing with this situation at the company she works for).

    If you have a decent offer to go somewhere else, I would take it. It may take people leaving the company for those in charge to actually handle the situation.

29. AnonymousOctober 30,2025 at 2:20PM UTC

    Sounds like the current climate of the nation right now. Leadership fails or succeeds ultimately through the success of the company. If leadership gets away with it due to complacency, over time this behavior will most likely bring down the company as a whole. Getting a Job in Canada isnt a realistic choice. Stay the course. The turnover of Leadership will happen. In most cases every 4 years or so on average, however due to some circumstances leadership may change over in shorter intervals.

30. AnonymousOctober 30,2025 at 3:00PM UTC

    I'll give a completely different perspective, that is also possible....

    Had someone on the team that would end up crying in meetings. Sometimes she would forget things. When provided with Director feedback she would verbally lash out, completely unreceptive and unmanageable. Her work was sub-par because it was rarely completed. The outcomes she provided were also unclear or lacked direction, and the work just simply took too long....

    Turned out she was diagnosed with ADHD.

    Although my colleague was a nice person and wouldn't contradict, lie, or claim no accountability, we must acknowledge and recognize that sometimes people diagnosed with neurodivergent qualities try to cover their mistakes or disability...and that often presents in emotional irregularity. (My own opinion here is if mean people or emotionally immature people get ADHD, their behavior is a lot worse). They cannot emotionally regulate because they are already struggling so much with their disability, work, family and relationships, or keeping it hidden. Perhaps they are not even self aware this is happening because they are undiagnosed.

    As the colleague was newly diagnosed, presenting with adult ADHD into her 40's, she had not yet had enough time to learn mechanisms to work around it, emotionally regulate, or cope with work expectations vs. her abilities.

    Like any disability, The employee has a right to disclose and ask for modifications to their work/work load. While not disclosing this to everyone else in the company.

    Maybe your workplace is not doing anything about it because they aren't allowed to without being sued for discrimination.

31. AnonymousOctober 31,2025 at 2:36PM UTC

    So tired of this being offered as an excuse for poor and inappropriate behavior! Lying, and "trying to cover mistakes" is a CHOICE and ADHD is not an excuse. It is the individual's responsibility to manage their symptoms and take action, such as seeking a diagnosis and developing strategies to cope.

32. AnonymousOctober 30,2025 at 4:44PM UTC

    I have dealt with a manager like this in the past. She was pure evil, forcing everyone else to do her job for her and screaming at people when they didn't, or when they were two minutes late for a meeting, or any other reason she could find to yell at us. People on the other side of the building could hear her, but no one intervened. She was constantly threatening to report people to HR for various "offenses" that were usually false or not actually something that one could or should report to HR.

    I collected TONS of evidence showing that I always did my job and did it well. She had me fill in as manager when she was on vacation and told me I did a great job, so of course I saved those emails. (Save any positive communication that you get from anyone within the company and anyone else you deal with in relation to your job. Put it on a thumb drive or print a hard copy.) Then I reported her to HR and got a job at the same company in a department that was located in another part of the state. HR did an investigation and she want eventually fired, but was first given a probationary period doing another job and wasn't allowed to manage others. (I also had recordings of her screaming at people and making threats.) I have been happily working in the new department for 10 years for the best managers I have ever worked for. The entire situation was a blessing in disguise. God always has a plan for you. I wish you the best and a very positive outcome. Gook luck!

33. AnonymousOctober 31,2025 at 11:43AM UTC

    Crucial Learning just had a similar situation in their newsletter. You might find it helpful.

    cruciallearning.com/blog/what-to-do-when-your-boss-is-a-bully

34. Maria FeltonOctober 31,2025 at 12:31PM UTC

    Good day-

    This is a toxic environment and sometimes if leadership is not doing what they need to do ; you need to move on for your mental health.

35. AnonymousOctober 31,2025 at 1:01PM UTC

    I'm dealing with the same however my direct leader feels the larger team cannot function without her expertise, therefore acknowledges she's difficult but tolerates! I am too considering leaving so I empathize. I'm do feel leaving is likely best as it will only become worse and will affect your overall feeling of the company- not just the person or specific department. GOOD LUCK!!!

36. Jo JoOctober 31,2025 at 4:18PM UTC

    Um...this is me in every job, being stuck with a toxic female colleague that targets and harasses me.

    Sometimes they get other colleagues in on it and turns into full scale mob-bullying.

37. AnonymousNovember 1,2025 at 2:57PM UTC

    omg do we work in the same company? cos I could relate, lmao. It's so funny and ridiculous when she forces her opinon down people's throats.

    I just don't get it

38. AnonymousNovember 1,2025 at 6:06PM UTC

    maybe she is bipolar without medication. i had a boss like that, i was happy when they fired me, caused i received a fair compensation.

39. Jos WallerNovember 1,2025 at 7:34PM UTC

    Yes, have had this multiple times. If management won't do anything, they are condoning her behavior. For your own mental health, please consider leaving. The best wake up call is for the best talent to leave, then maybe steps will be taken. Sorry for this but wishing you the best of luck.

40. J.H.November 2,2025 at 2:41AM UTC

    1) This book, "The Bully at Work", helped me name it or understand the specifics, like a counselor might help: https://a.co/d/eHcJcyO

    2) When you go to HR, you do it in writing, use words that make it absolutely clear you're launching a complaint (e.g. "I am formally filing a complaint regarding a hostile work environment created by ____ and her bullying-like behavior as evidenced by _(make a list)_. I notified my manager on ____ and the behavior has continued (note any retaliation from anyone.) As a result, this has impacted or may impact me by ____. I expect prompt investigation and corrective action such as ____. Please contact me.

    Formal and factual and forward. Nothing "mousey" or asking about the process for reporting or if it is perhaps bullying, hoping they'll take the hint and look into it.