I have a colleague who brags about being bossy - its a problem

Anonymous

December 6,2022 at 2:41PM UTC

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I have a colleague who brags about being bossy - its a problem

Typing makes it a bit difficult to really get the "tone" but hopefully this makes sense:

Essentially, we have been on team meetings (three different teams under the same exec reporting to two different senior leaders)

Anyways. This colleague has been known to say things harshly, to the point and direct but also do so with a condescending tone - they add their comments phrased as a question with a passive aggressive undertone and do so in a way that is not only condescending but demeaning and public.

When they do so - they also tend to brag about being bossy as an excuse for the behavior.

On multiple occasions I have asked this person to provide feedback as a 1 on 1 direct conversation. (i.e. Please don't degrade me publicly in front of a group of 20+ people when your concerns regarding my work progress should be maintained by my manager or as direct peer to peer feedback)

Being direct, being assertive is absolutely okay - it gets work done. I can be direct at most times, but, the key difference is that I am not a jerk about it.

It's gotten to the point where I am getting quiet - I used to stand my ground. But getting quiet is scary I means 2 things either I am checking out or I am shutting down - or - I am just really pissed and its better I bite my tongue.

I have also noticed other team members of mine choosing not to participate in these conversations and prioritize other work, taking a similar "tone" in their response (a "right back at you" mentality) and I fear the breeding ground for toxicity is forming.

What do we do to turn the ship around? How should I specifically be handling the situation further besides complaining to my boss who will eventually think maybe I just need to grow some thick skin or will get tired of me venting?

I just feel stuck in a bad scenario right now that was not always bad but has hit a nerve more recently than not. I love my job otherwise, I love my manager otherwise. But mean people suck.

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AnonymousDecember 6,2022 at 3:04PM UTC
If it’s not singling anyone out, it could be a personality trait of this person. I’ve worked with similar personality types and I’ve led similar personality traits where other team members came to me to express how uncomfortable they were.
Unfortunately, it’s not an easy fix if it’s personality. They don’t believe they are harming anyone just by being themselves and therefore the change is hard to inspire. As a leader, I have addressed it from the perspective of sharing what others have expressed without dropping names, so they can be made aware of it. Then the defensiveness comes out, the embarrassment/shame comes out in some cases, and the annoyance comes out.
I have always held roles where I was required to work with many different personality traits (sales is a big one). I meet everyone where they are at in life and go from there. Some are bossier than others, some are passive aggressive and some super aggressive. Some were from different cultures and it’s engrained into who they are and I had to learn more about the whys behind the differences in personalities and work ethics.
after taking Brene’ Browns Dare to Lead course - I check myself and dive into the differences of what I’m feeling and what reality is. Is this person truly being mean or am I perceiving it that way?
People taking a similar tone and standing up for themselves in its own right cannot breed toxicity. The leader not coaching the team on how to work better together will create toxicity.
I respect your concern that constantly complaining to your leader can foster the ideas that you can’t work with others, but approaching your leader with facts on how it’s impacting your work, your motivation, etc and that if they poll the others on the team they will find the same across the team, can help a lot.
Toxic people cannot be ignore if it’s true toxicity and malintent behind their behavior and tones. Everyone needs to be able to show up and be authentic and that’s where coaching and leadership really comes into play.
Kristie WhiteDecember 6,2022 at 3:17PM UTC
I would say "Being bossy isn't an excuse for being rude." (or an a**hole) Or "I can be bossy too, but as a leader and member of this team, I don't want to be rude to others."
Crystal HowellDecember 6,2022 at 3:26PM UTC
I would shut the bully down, when she starts say I have work to do and this conversation can be rescheduled, is tomorrow at 9 36 am fine? Take your power back, and put her in check. If you do it enough times, she will adhere. Keep your head up, and stand up for yourself and ground.
If your manager allows this, double check your loyalty.
Crystal HowellDecember 6,2022 at 3:28PM UTC
Bossy, is just a cover for lack of self esteem, if you have to tell people then you are not, just putting on an act. She's covering up her weak self.
AnonymousDecember 6,2022 at 3:46PM UTC
If management does not see this person as a problem then there is little you can do. You do not have the authority to write her up and obviously your attempts to handle the problem one on one has proved futile. This is the culture of the team and unless your boss sees a reason to stop the behavior it will not only continue but escalate.
I would put your observations in writing and copy your boss and HR.
AnonymousDecember 7,2022 at 1:50PM UTC
This! It’s amazing how quickly people will stop the behavior when they are called out on it.
Dawn S. CrossDecember 7,2022 at 1:54PM UTC
Absolutely agree with this. Usually once a bully is called out, they back down. And if others in your office see you doing this (standing up for yourself), they may do the same.
Dont be confrontational but do be direct and then end that portion of the conversation.
AnonymousDecember 9,2022 at 3:52PM UTC
Then, if she still uses "being bossy" as her excuse, respond, "that is just an excuse for your anti-social behavior." Karma will get her eventually, and karma can be a b----.
Mary PoolDecember 11,2022 at 2:57PM UTC
If management does not view this behavior as a problem, then you have limited options. I have had one tactic that works amazingly well, but only if most of the other team members are on board, and that is to stop the meeting and call her out immediately. "Wow XYZ, that was rude and condescending. Do you think you can rephrase in a more professional manner?" It works; after a few times, she will change her behavior because she knows there will be pushback. You don't want to be a bully yourself, so watch your tone and attitude when you say it. She will probably report you to the management, but if almost everyone on the team supports this (and participates), then you can all go to management and have an actual discussion on why their not addressing this issue is a problem. The other tactic is to simply ignore her and continue on. If you do not respect her opinion, then you can simply let her comments roll off your back. If you and others stop participating, the team will be damaged and become a one-person show.
ChrishoggDecember 11,2022 at 4:25PM UTC
Well, I don't think we folks out here have enough background information to tell you what to do.
But if I were you (hmm, where have we heard that before?) here's what I would do in the meetings:
1) Prepare, memorize, and practice saying at least a dozen times in a role-play with family or friends, a single statement, such as: "As I've privately asked you, please don't degrade me publicly in meetings like this. If you disagree with what I'm saying, great. If you disagree with how I'm saying it, we should discuss that in private."
2) Do not say anything else, simply say this one thing, but say it every single time you feel she is "doing it."
Colleague: That really is a terrible idea, and I wonder what made you want to share that.
You: As I've privately asked you, please don't degrade me publicly in meetings like this. If you disagree with what I'm saying, great. If you disagree with how I'm saying it, we should discuss that in private.
Colleague: Well, I didn't mean anything about you, I think you're being much too sensitive.
You: That may be, but as I've privately asked you, please don't degrade me publicly in meetings like this. If you disagree with what I'm saying, great. If you disagree with how I'm saying it, we should discuss that in private.
Colleague: You see, you're over-sensitive, and are taking things out of context and personally when I'm merely trying to help you present your ideas better.
You: That may be, but as I've privately asked you, please don't degrade me publicly in meetings like this. If you disagree with what I'm saying, great. If you disagree with how I'm saying it, we should discuss that in private.
Colleague: [stunned silence, as they become aware that you are not backing down and no one is supporting them] ... and then ... I'm rather shocked by your reaction, I was simply trying to bring some clarity to your proposal.
You: That may be, but as I've privately asked you, please don't degrade me publicly in meetings like this. If you disagree with what I'm saying, great. If you disagree with how I'm saying it, we should discuss that in private.
Colleague: Well, I simply don't think jammin' at the frim-fram is the appropriate approach, and would not sit well with Widget Washers Incorporated.
You: Hmm, I hadn't really considered Widget all that carefully. What makes you think that?
A dialogue ensues, and ends with the Colleague saying: Great, I'm glad we discussed this, and it would have been better if you had considered this in advance.
At which time you reply, That may be, but as I've privately asked you, please don't degrade me publicly in meetings like this. If you disagree with what I'm saying, great. If you disagree with how I'm saying it, we should discuss that in private.
3) Rinse and repeat in every meeting, every single time the colleague does it, and there is, I believe, a 99.9% chance that by the end of the second meeting in which they attempt to degrade you, they will not do it a third time.
4) The first time you do this, in a meeting, for real, you will be sweating, your heart will be pounding, your face will be flushed, and you will forget your own name. But honestly, I believe it's either that or keep being abused and degraded by this person.
5) After each meeting where this scenario plays out, ask your colleague if you two can discuss this privately.
6) Once you do this the first time, don't stop ... because if you do, if you chicken out and back down, you're finished (in my uninformed opinion).
Liz MilneDecember 12,2022 at 1:15AM UTC
Next time she brags about it, call her out. Not rudely, not to show her up, just state the facts.
"Oh, haha, I'm so bossy, I get things done!"
"Yes (or 'Perhaps'). And you need to be careful that you're not causing a toxic atmosphere. Some might see your bossiness as condescension, especially when you're not a manager and you do it in front of others."
And then immediately and calmly turn and walk away, without waiting for a response.