Colleague constantly cutting me down

8 Comments

1. AnonymousFebruary 27,2025 at 3:25AM UTC

   Read the room. You don't have a prayer in changing her behavior.

   So all you can do is let her....let her do, say and think whatever it is she wants.

   You don't have to react, take in, hold onto it or even let it register. You can choose to let her do her thing without ever allowing any of it to impact you or your peace. You have 100% of the power over you.

2. Zeecil KimmelMarch 4,2025 at 1:41PM UTC

   I agree—I would just smile and thank her and not let it bother me one bit. When she learns she has no control over you and you do not even care, she will stop. We have only the power to change ourselves, and once everyone else sees you are confident in your abilities, know your own worth, and refuse to be bullied, it all won't matter.

3. AnonymousFebruary 27,2025 at 2:45PM UTC

   Since she's not your direct supervisor, the best you can do to keep the peace is to thank her for her input and then decide whether or not her suggestions have merit. If they do, incorporate them; if they don't, keep what you have. The only one you have to keep happy is your direct supervisor. Keep doing you, and she will eventually get the hint.

4. Paulla Fetzek, MSEdFebruary 28,2025 at 2:12PM UTC

   I'm so very sorry you have to deal with this. It's especially frustrating when yo have the experience and acumen to back what you're doing.

   It IS worth going against the person. Because it's not right for you to be unhappy or frustrated because of someone else's opinion.

   But, rather than come at her "point blank"... How about going to her with a "can you teach me?" attitude? You might say to her,

   "It seems you have a lot of criticism and comments about my work. Can I take some time to meet with you, where you could share with me what you think I'm doing wrong and where you think I should change things?"

   I believe it's important that you say the words "WHAT YOU THINK" - for two reasons. 1) It says to her that you're interested in her opinion {even if you're honestly not!] and 2) It says that you recognize her opinions are just that - HER opinions - and not reality.

   I wish you all the best!

5. AnonymousMarch 1,2025 at 5:18PM UTC

   Yes, speak to her directly. Remind here there is no I in team and that you expect the same professional respect in front of others that you have been affording her. Let her know that you will no longer tolerate her trying to defame you or to tear you down and that if she does do it again you will call her out to the leadership and ask for a public apology. Find a neutral person who can broker calm between you two if you disagree on things that matter to the overall work product. Take control, because she is clearly allowing gaslighting to be her M.O. and you are buying it. Change your behavior about how you receive her darts and that should fix things. Don't quit because if you do her professional jealousy wins the day.

6. Colleen HansonMarch 4,2025 at 6:51PM UTC

   While I understand this logic, I respectfully disagree. The poster has made it known that the higher ups are doing nothing to curb this long-term un-official managers behavior, as she has already tried going that route unsuccessfully.

   I have worked with people like this in the past and the majority of them are looking for a "reaction" leading to a conflict that could further discredit the poster. I've seen it happen numerous times with people like this and it has backfired miserably for people like the poster; so much so that I've watched colleagues be fired on the spot for being what the company deemed as "confrontational". For whatever reason the higher ups at posters company are not finding fault in how this other person behaves, they most certainly are not going to find her at fault if the poster instigates an uncomfortable, accusatory conversation, justified or not.

   I would advise poster to just do her job and dismiss the comments and critisism being made by this person because clearly the people that matter (higher ups) are happy with the posters work and the other persons comments clearly hold no weight with them. I would not react in any way to her because that is what she is looking for; she is a bully. I have found it very helpful when a response is forced to simply say things like "Bless your heart! I know how busy you are in your own role and I really appreciate you taking the time to critique my role in order to give me feedback that will continue to help me advance and get ahead, I will take it into consideration!" For me personally, using this line has been highly effective! It completely throws the bully off of their game. It also emphasizes the fact, kindly, that they are worrying about roles other than their own and when this comment is used in the presence of others, it calls attention to that fact. Once the "bully" does not get the reaction they want, they eventually either move on to bully someone else, or in my case specifically the bully eventually quit.

   The other option would be to just move on to another position elsewhere. It's not about allowing someone's "professional jealousy to win" but more about your own personal well-being mentally. Dealing with workplace bullies is exhausting and takes a lot out of a person mentally, there is no shame in simply moving on for your own inner peace!

   I wish you the best of luck!

7. AnonymousMarch 2,2025 at 8:06PM UTC

   I can't really picture the scene you're describing but would it smooth things over (in a way reasonable to you) if you showed her work before you were done, to get feedback? If there's no time built into the workflow to show everything, show the kind of thing she complains about the most. I think a better approach, however, since your bosses are happy with your work, would be to ask for a meeting with your supervisor and bring up that you're a team player, and want to make sure your performance is meeting expectations, etc. etc. and mention that you get negative feedback from 'an SME (don't identify her, unless the boss asks). Definitely frame it in the 'I want to make sure I'm executing my role correctly, and don't play the 'this person is criticizing me and I don't like it' game. If your boss says your work is fine, then say thanks and leave it there. Later that day, email your boss a recap of the meeting so you have it in writing. After that, smile and be non-commitally pleasant when you get feedback from the SME. Good luck.

8. AnonymousMarch 4,2025 at 1:53PM UTC

   Life is sooo much easier and joyful when you accept that you can only control you and your reaction. I no longer stress about other people and their behavior. It just isn't something I spend energy on.