What to do with a boss that keeps cancelling 1:1 meetings?

34 Comments

1. AnonymousMay 26,2022 at 7:38PM UTC

   I apologize if this is unhelpful but I mainly want to commiserate with you. I, too, have a flaky boss lately. I'm essentially my own department under them and pretty autonomous but I have several projects in place that need his eyes and approvals and every time I try to get a meeting on the calendar with them and their boss to present I'm told they are too busy, leaving me at a standstill and no urgency to complete anything. On top of that, I'm awaiting response to a request to review my job title and comp as I'm performing higher level functions than what I was hired for and they acted very supportive when it was brought up but have been dragging it out since then and constantly cancelling our weekly 1-on-1s or redirecting them by changing the focus topic. The most recent one I thought would be THE discussion about a potential change in comp because the meting title that was used and the extra person invited, but instead I was actually just tasked with more high-level work. No mention of my comp. I'm left with very little motivation to do my work right now and it's unfortunate because I love what I do.

   I would advise, though, that you take that meeting on Monday if you can. I totally feel you on not wanting to show up and the fact that it's after the presentation seems wasteful, but maybe it's an opportunity to let them know how the presentation went and express that you really would have felt better had you been able to meet, even briefly first. It's possible they feel they trust you so much they actually appreciate that you're an employee they don't feel they have to manage, but may not be considering how it makes you feel to be constantly cancelled on.

   Whatever happens, I hope it improves for you soon!

2. AnonymousMay 26,2022 at 8:38PM UTC

   Thank you for sharing your somehow similar experience in struggling to get basic attention from your manager.

   You have a point in suggesting I could use next week meeting to share feedback about the SVP presentation, but my boss is so superficial that I’m not sure it will change the situation. Maybe it’s because I’m very upset by today events but I feel I need to do something more drastic.

3. AnonymousMay 27,2022 at 2:30PM UTC

   Hehe I totally get it. It's exhausting and it does sound like your attempts to communicate your needs before only motivated a very weak response without follow-through. No way to say if it would ilicit a positie or negative or neutral response but it would certainly feel good to say "presentation went great on my own, no need to meet" lol

4. AnonymousMay 31,2022 at 1:33PM UTC

   Just coming on here to say I have a 1:1 scheduled for 2pm today and I'm currently taking bets if I'll get flaked on or redirected again ;P

5. AnonymousMay 31,2022 at 6:59PM UTC

   Let us know ?

6. AnonymousJune 1,2022 at 2:16PM UTC

   Haha at 4 I was asked if I would like 15 minutes or to reschedule. I said the same thing will just happen another day so lets chat now..

7. AnonymousJune 1,2022 at 6:12PM UTC

   That's a pretty open and passive aggressive response so it seems like you are able to express your disdain for this boss without fear. Though given that, it's not surprising he doesn't want to meet with you. It also seems like you're either really good at what you do, so your job is secure and he's willing to put up with your feelings towards him, or maybe he just doesn't like conflict. This relationship seems irretrievably broken. Is there somewhere else in the company you can move? It's hard to work for someone you don't respect, and harder to hide that. If you have job security, maybe you'll eventually drive him out. But if not, you may find he's documenting you as well for being insubordinate. Which is boss speak for you don't like him and you're undermining his authority and making him look bad to others. If he has his bosses ear, and confidence, you have no idea what he's been reporting back about you. This could be a dangerous game you're playing and in your shoes, I would take it a lot more seriously than you seem to be doing or it could end up badly.

8. AnonymousJune 1,2022 at 7:09PM UTC

   I appreciate your advice and I think without context my comment sounds more insubordinate than it really is. He even said when we spoke in person that he was surprised I took the 15 minutes and I said that I knew he was being pulled away constantly so I figured 15 minutes now was better than saving it for what could be weeks away and he said "very true", laughed then admitted it would be weeks. We also have always had a wise-crack type of relationship plus, yes, I make him look good to his boss all the time and he openly states that he'd go grey if he lost me so I guess that does afford me a little snark when that's not being gratified monetarily.

   I relate to the original poster but there are definite differences in our experiences. My org has been going through a lot and my boss has been being pulled into meetings and fires constantly so my issue is less with having trouble getting meeting time with him in general (it's frustrating but I don't hold him personally responsible for cancelling) as it is with the fact that I have no notice (literally showing up to his office and he's not there, waiting hours to hear if we're meeting or not) or redirecting a meeting when it does happen therefor making it difficult to address topics I want to address.

   Sincerely though, thanks for your comment. With different context your advice would be spot on and I like that you approached it openly and pragmatically without being shaming.

9. AnonymousMay 26,2022 at 8:54PM UTC

   Unfortunately, at the end of the day you report to him and you may need to adjust as much as possible to accomodate his preferences. However, if you feel that his preference is directly negatively impacting your work to where you miss deadlines and are inefficient, as long as you can list and provide several factual examples, not ones based on emotions or your preference the liklier he is to compromise with you to some degree. Try to schedule yes another 1:1 with him to discuss. Be prepared to explain how this is affecting your ability to perform without interruption.

10. Vanda LeeMay 26,2022 at 10:53PM UTC

    I would document every cancellation and send it to him in an email in place of the Monday meeting and professionally explain that your 1:1 is very much needed for xyz, maybe stating that it makes you feel under valued.
    Offer up some possible times that may work better for him than Friday afternoon. See what kind of response you get. The next step would be a conversation with his boss or HR. I'm in a similar situation. I just go to my assistant director who's wonderful. I can't tell you what my director does but it certainly doesn't include checking on or in with me so I quit reaching out.

11. AnonymousMay 26,2022 at 11:28PM UTC

    You are actually looking for his help in line with his strengths, but for some reason he seems to think you want something else.

    In MBTI terms it sounds like you are SJ and he is NP. NPs can feel very judged by SJs. This is more pronounced when the more junior person in the partnership is SJ.

    I don't think this relationship is sunk, because unkind words have not yet been exchanged. However, now is the time to salvage the relationship and you are the person to do it, as he is hiding from you.

    Send him an email and tell him what you need from him. As you describe it, he is a big picture person, while you're a detail person, so tell him that you need him to help you appreciate the overall situation. It may be that he's just decided he doesn't like you, but I would very much hope, instead, that he just doesn't want you to make him feel that he's a "dreamer" as you put it.

    I know only too well how SJs can see NPs as "flaky" and unreliable, but I also know quite a few SJs who can only think in a very straightforward, uncreative way and SJs can often struggle with being future-focused. If you tell him explicitly that you actually want his creative future-focused input, that may be enough to make him want to re-engage.

    I know that most SJs are not judgemental and rigid, but they can give out that vibe. Try giving him a chance to help you to expand your thinking. and it could well start to repair the relationship.

    I'm remaining Anonymous because one person in particular might know who I was chiefly writing about!

12. AnonymousMay 27,2022 at 12:40PM UTC

    Thank you for the analysis, much of what you said resonates with me although my MBTI is a rare NFJ.

    I know for sure that he is sometimes almost intimidated by me but I find his behaviour with the 1:1 cancellation childish and unacceptable for a person of his grade and age.

    Being a manager myself I also have personalities very different from mine in my team, but I would never dream of cancelling 1:1 meeting, if anything I tend to speak more with those I’m less in sync at personality level to make sure they don’t get lost.

    Now I’m thinking of telling him that I want to use a tool HR recently introduced to keep track of 1:1 discussions, he will hate it but cannot say no.

13. Robin L MerrellMay 29,2022 at 12:35PM UTC

    I'm the rare NFJ, too.

14. AnonymousMay 30,2022 at 1:26PM UTC

    Thank you for the additional information. For NFJs the challenge is to try to separate out what you believe to be right and wrong, from what your team or organisation sees as being right and wrong. NFJs tend to be incredibly in touch with their values and they will frame any situation they face against those values. Your boss has been found wanting and has quite obviously behaved in a way you judge to be substandard, but I think you should double-check that your organisation agrees with you before you proceed to shame him in this way. You risk discovering that other people don't agree with you in a potentially public way.

15. AnonymousMay 30,2022 at 6:51PM UTC

    Yes you are right, it is my instinct to “judge”’based on my system of values but my rationale part generally kicks in and brings things in perspective. For this particular behaviour I’m not the only one to find it intolerable, a peer of mine reporting to my boss until recently told me he had the same problem. The guy moved somewhere else and another peer just resigned so I guess there is a real issue. Anyway today he showed up at the 1:1 and I went to the list of topics I has prepared and sent on Friday. He did not act like if he cared about my meeting with leadership but at list I got some guidelines on some other stuff.

16. AnonymousMay 27,2022 at 2:17AM UTC

    If no one else is there to mentor you and he does the same when you have your 1:1 on a Tuesday or Wednesday, it’s a good idea to leave.

    Friday’s and Monday’s are terrible days for 1:1’s

17. AnonymousMay 27,2022 at 5:14AM UTC

    Hi there! I also have a boss who used to cancel meetings last minute because he’s swamp with other work or other meetings take priority. I did the following two things that kept him from canceling my 1:1.

    1) I took a look at his calendar to find a reoccurring meeting time that works best for him. I made a list and prioritize when it’s best to meet with him when I brought up the topic to reschedule our reoccurring 1:1 because recently he’s been canceling them.

    2) I explained to him why I want to meet. It could be, brainstorming session, getting his approval on something, or to coach me through situations.

    In addition, I also told him I put in a lot of work to prep for our meetings together and it doesn’t feel good to have our 1:1 cancelled last minute.

    I hope it works out for you as it did for me. After my conversation with my boss, he rarely reschedule or canceled our 1:1.

18. Sarah StadtherrMay 27,2022 at 3:36PM UTC

    I think your problem may be related to Fridays. Could you ask to reschedule to Tuesdays? I moved past Mondays because they always have new stuff that needs to be put into a bucket. Tuesday we're ready to do the work for the week but not one foot out the door for the weekend like later in the week. Put it to boss that YOU are fresher earlier in the week and maybe you can get some progress that way.

19. JJMay 28,2022 at 5:12AM UTC

    Sounds like a bad boss but also being super real here…a weekly late Friday 1:1 with a difficult personality makes me want to poke my own eyes out. Maybe he’s simply exhausted by the end of the week and cannot face it. Unprofessional to keep cancelling but maybe Wednesday mid-morning would yield better results.

20. Bevin MarieMay 29,2022 at 12:43PM UTC

    I was in a similar situation, and found that I did best by doing two things:

    1. I started setting up check-ins with his manager. This signaled.that I wasn't getting what I needed from my manager and gave me more of what I needed from a supervisor.

    2. It forces me to find a really good mentor and sponsor, who helped me truly advance and grow.

    Take control of the situation to make sure you're getting what you need, and ensure that others in management know that your manager is not cutting it.

21. AnonymousMay 29,2022 at 12:55PM UTC

    I once had a boss who would never sign paperwork on time, no matter how much I pressed him he would always say come back later. One day, after being told no, come back later, I used the few minutes in front of him to ask another question about something in our line of work I was curious about, which he then started to answer at length. While I was standing there, he reached out and took the papers and started signing them while we talked. And after that, I always came with questions when I really needed paperwork signed. Perhaps you could forgo your formal 1 on 1s and take advantage of time with him during the week to get answers to those questions you need his input on. That would be a win/win for you both as you would get the answers and guidance you need and he wouldn’t have to commit to a formal meeting he will end up canceling. If you focus your goal towards getting the feedback and not on forcing the meeting, you will surprise yourself on how successful you actually are in actually accomplishing that. This may not be the answer you want because it sounds as if you are in a power struggle and you may actually be more intent on removing him as your boss. Either way, good luck.

22. AnonymousMay 29,2022 at 1:37PM UTC

    this has happened to me before…I started having 1:1s with her boss instead.
    I ultimately ended up quitting after being at the company for 5+ years. Some people just aren’t good leaders - and that’s why people end up leaving great roles and companies.

23. Bretley DannerMay 29,2022 at 1:39PM UTC

    Let it go… In your mind cancel all meetings in the future. If he doesn’t have the maturity to attend, care, or to give you the respect you deserve- just write him off. If he asks for a meeting in the future, (wait for it, but don’t plan on it), it sounds like you have lots to talk about, so why plan for future sessions, just bring up topics you have already prepared for when he didn’t show up….

    If he is being unprofessional, immature, and disrespectful- He is still your boss. I find male bosses can act like this, and they WILL NEVER have a mature, professional, conversation until they are ready, and want too. Not when you want too. IF - all his excuses are somehow real, relevant, and he just doesn’t put those meetings as a priority like you do - then you shouldn’t as well.

    You may be too eager for something to happen, that isn’t going to happen. Make the one meeting a month count, and stop thinking your boss will change, can change, and would ever want to change. Let him be the creative energy, and you do what he hired you for, to make his dreams come true. Don’t beat your head against the wall trying to change him, and or the situation… Cuz girl, people do not change because someone else wants them too. He is THE BOSS. And, that’s, that.

24. Maggie StoneMay 29,2022 at 1:46PM UTC

    I think how you handle this situation depends on how direct you want to be. If you want to be indirect, you can try catching him or calling at random times as questions arise. I would probably be more direct and say “Friday at x time doesn’t seem like a good time for us to meet. What other times work better for you?” If he doesn’t respond or starts canceling meetings at the new time, then it is time to go to his boss.

25. GirlBossanova934974May 29,2022 at 1:58PM UTC

    To be candid, I have NEVER been a fan of these WEEKLY one on one's. Most of the time, these meetings are part of some mandatory HR scheme to maintain contact between managers and their direct reports. I am also a business owner and have been in the working world for several decades. My take? Just cancel this mandatory one on one BUT ask for a meeting when you need it to get things approved or support. As for these creative types who cannot hit deadlines and get things accomplished, that is usually a company culture thing (the company has a thing for that) OR plainly a lack of experience and training OR someone got a management title who really wasn't management material. As a business owner, one must be creative at all times but when you're spending your own money, you realize great ideas are beyond worthless unless they get implemented and cash comes in as a result. Shiny new objects are sure fire ways to lose a lot of money. Non productive meetings are eliminated very quickly as well.

26. AnonymousJune 6,2022 at 2:11AM UTC

    I too hate weekly 1:1. Would rather schedule as needed. Most of the time its non-productive

27. fduntvMay 29,2022 at 2:05PM UTC

    That’s disrespectful of your time. Confront him about this and clearly state your feelings about the situation: I feel frustrated and annoyed by the constant rescheduling of meetings at the last minute. I waste time planning for these meetings that could be spent doing something else for the benefit of the company. Please cancel meetings you don’t want to attend at least two days in advance.”

28. AnonymousMay 29,2022 at 2:51PM UTC

    My boss does exactly the same thing, he goes and chats to our toxic employee about his dog and said he's too busy to meet....

    I email him to death. This way I get what I need and for the most part he replies, and if he doesn't, it's his ass on the line not mine as it is all documented.

29. Bradford McCormickMay 29,2022 at 5:51PM UTC

    You are autonomous you are competent to do your job without handholding? Are you concerned that your boss may "have it in" for you? If you are OK with your boss otherwise, why bother about this? You do your job and he's disorganized. So what? If you absolutely, positively need something from him (like a capital expense item being signed off for, or a raise), then you have to make him deal with it: politely pin him down and politely don't stop until he delivers. But if it's not a do-or-die, so what? You manage yourself. Would you rather have an intrusive micro-manager like some unfortunate people have? It sounds like you are getting furious, i.e., letting your emotions control you, not the other way around, which is the self-managing, autonomous thing to do.

30. AnonymousMay 30,2022 at 7:06PM UTC

    I totally agree that micro-management is worse than non-management but connecting with the team and making time when they need you is part of a manager job and it’s something everyone should expect from their boss.

31. AnonymousJune 6,2022 at 2:10AM UTC

    Agree

32. Krystin MorganMay 29,2022 at 8:16PM UTC

    Have you tried addressing it with him directly? You could say something like, "I've noticed the day and time of our one-on-ones doesn't seem to work for you. Should we look at a better time? I'm also happy to meet less frequently but I do need time with you at least [however often] in order to ensure XYZ is handled. Or is there someone else I could work with for those things?"

33. AnonymousMay 29,2022 at 10:06PM UTC

    Friday afternoon 1:1’s are a terrible idea - everyone is just done by that point.

    I would take that Monday meeting, and come prepared with the questions that you need answered immediately, and then use the rest of the time to ask him whether he would prefer you reschedule your 1:1 for a different day/time, whether he feels like it should be weekly, monthly, or only as needed, etc.

    I would absolutely stress that you are asking for his time because you need his approvals or have questions before moving forward on something, not just because you think he needs something to do. If he says to schedule as needed, I would schedule it when you need time, and include the agenda, that way, if/when he cancels, you can use one of my favorite tricks: “just a reminder, I need your approval on x things before 5pm - if you don’t have time, who should I go to to get that?” That way, you’re documenting, and reminding him that you actually need the time you asked for.

    My other favorite trick was to follow my old boss right into the office as he was walking by my desk - that way I could pin him down and get the answers I needed before he could start on something else.

34. Margaux KMay 30,2022 at 1:26AM UTC

    I would try one time sit him down and said something like:

    ”Hey John, I see that you have been quite busy as of late and couldn’t attend our 1:1 meetings. We can lessen the frequency if that works better for you. It’s just that there are some important and urgent topics that I would really like to get your thoughts. Let me know how we can best communicate on those items aside from our 1:1s.

    If the manager can realize he needs to solve this problem and can come up with some suggestions that would be great. Sometimes there are just leaders who behaves badly and refuse to acknowledge or change. If the case is latter, then start looking for a transition or change job altogether.

    1:1s is a bridge between managers and their staff. It’s also important to have a healthy relationship with your manager for advancement. If that person is unwilling to play balls, it doesn’t matter how well you do your job as he/ she will be your biggest bottleneck.