I was told I was being combative today.

13 Comments

1. AnonymousAugust 25,2022 at 2:57AM UTC

   That's a vague statement - I'd definitely ask for details. Were they or you having a bad day or is this a micromanaging person?

2. AnonymousAugust 25,2022 at 5:32AM UTC

   I believe they are micromanaging me. They told me I could conduct my team however I wanted but made a list of who does what for me and made a battle rythmn for what meetings my team should go to.

   I dot line to this manager.

   ive also been asked for items within unrealistic timelines. They have told me a large piece of work would only take one week of two people.

   I have stood up to them before to recommend against their plans however that person has pushed forward with their perspective.

3. AnonymousAugust 25,2022 at 11:56PM UTC

   Please reassess your approach and give some serious thought to this person's comments. THB, you sound combative in this response! A "battle rythmn?" My god, this is a bunch of people trying to help you, not the Civil War!

4. AnonymousAugust 26,2022 at 6:50PM UTC

   Thanks, yes of course I’m looking inward to gain better understanding but if I feel something isn’t right it’s important to me to understand and respond in away that stands up for myself.

5. AnonymousAugust 25,2022 at 4:28AM UTC

   We need more context in order to respond.

6. AnonymousAugust 25,2022 at 7:10AM UTC

   I would say it is usually best not to tell the manager immediately. Truly ask yourself if their words are correct; if so, see if changing your behavior helps the situation/ relationship. If the behavior continues and it seems like it is an untrue statement, then I would bring it to your manager.

7. JJAugust 25,2022 at 8:02PM UTC

   Document the conversation, formally, and if it happens again, or something else happens, then go to management.

8. AnonymousAugust 26,2022 at 12:22AM UTC

   Don't tell your manager what was said to you. You don't want to tell your boss that you're "difficult to get along with."

   If the person you had difficulty with is always hard to work with, then complain about HIM !

9. AnonymousAugust 26,2022 at 1:11PM UTC

   I am a direct person, and sometimes that rubs people the wrong way. But I advocate for going directly to the person to find out how they would like to be spoken to. It avoids the middle man and shows that you do care about the other persons feelings.

   IF that doesn't work, then I would mention this to my manager to gather advice about next steps to try to create a better working relationship. Taking ownership and showing that you care shows some key soft skills rather than just complaining.

   Good Luck!

10. AnonymousAugust 26,2022 at 5:34PM UTC

    Unfortunately, despite the fact that it is 2022, we live in a society where females, and especially females of color often have our words weaponized against us when we are being assertive.

    And yes females do it to eachother too which is horrible!
    I notice this tends to happen especially when there is a debate and if the persons feel they are losing an arguement or did not do their homework and cannot keep up with the said female, it’s a defense mechanism used to tarnish a persons character, I think it is dangerous, nasty, career destroying and not enough is not done to address it. The next time someone calls your aggressive, combative or hostile, in that very moment challenge them diplomatically and ask hey I hear you said this, now can you explain specifically what you mean by that. Can you unpack that for me? Please explain. I bet 9/10 they most likely can’t …..and if you respond that way often enough it will make them think twice before saying that to you again because it puts the burden on them to prove to you why what they just said is valid. Don’t waste your time getting your mgr involved. Try what you said. If that does not work, document every instance, and follow up with an email posing the same question and cc your mgr, Know you are not alone in this, sometimes we need to stand up for ourselves to protect our reputation. Good luck!

    ON THE OTHER HAND……talk to your loved ones and people you trust and ask them directly when you are having an arguement do you come across that way. If they think you have a tendency to come across that way then yes you have some work to do, and it’s okay, just spend some internal time unpacking. Get a journal, not down the triggers, explore whether those triggers come from childhood, traumatic event, etc, roleplay with friends or loved ones to talk thru triggering situations to practice how you can alter your responses to soften your approach, it also helps to form new habits of engagement.

11. AnonymousAugust 26,2022 at 6:41PM UTC

    Thanks this is really helpful!

    Ive jotted down on paper the events of the discussion and am working through info gathering with trusted individuals to see if there is some work with me. I like your recommendation to stop the conversation and ask the other person what they mean when they call me something.

12. AnonymousAugust 26,2022 at 7:04PM UTC

    I've been in your shoes, and it stumps them every single time. So keep your head up and good luck!

13. AnonymousAugust 26,2022 at 7:48PM UTC

    Sorry and I meant to add. After you ask for their clarification and they are unable to give a solid justification of accusing you of being combative, seal the conversation by saying, thanks for explaining that, now I would appreciate going forward if you would not weaponize my words against me. Thank you and have a nice day :)