Tips for making nice with co-workers?

30 Comments

1. AnonymousNovember 17,2021 at 6:19PM UTC

   It sounds like you are talking about two things: one side you made a mistake complaining about an event, and the person in charge heard. I think you should apologize, even if you can't go, you can take responsibility for hurting their feelings.

   On the other hand, are you saying other people are complaining on your team? This is a separate issue?

2. AnonymousNovember 19,2021 at 1:38PM UTC

   Pretty ironic that you bashed an upcoming event and then said your coworkers complain too much.

3. AnonymousNovember 17,2021 at 6:21PM UTC

   This post is painful to read: you didn't get sucked into this conversation, you were a willing participant. You're a grown woman and you should expect more of yourself, stop being a victim!

   Your only option here is to take immediate and swift action to contact this colleague...take full responsibility for yourself and your actions, acknowledge that you're a gossip and you bashed her event. You got caught with your pants down, and to do anything but ask for her forgiveness is insufficient.

   Please take this opportunity to apply the lens of self awareness and figure out what made you engage with your negative-nelly colleagues in this way. Hold yourself to a higher standard, stop acting like you're in high school.

   For everyone that will say this post is harsh, its high time that as women we hold ourselves to the highest professional standards possible. Nonsense like this is exactly what exposes us to criticism!

4. Karen lindquistNovember 19,2021 at 1:24PM UTC

   I agree, we all need to make every effort to move to higher ground and not let ourselves down, which is how we end up in such situations.
   Almost all of my therapy sessions are devoted to understanding and improving the traits I know are not great habits (such as gossiping or being negative) and it is because I wish to be at peace with myself.
   We all know how cringey it feels to have said something hurtful or snide and knowing we can and should do better.
   I agree with everyone who said to humbly apologize to the co-worker who was slighted, and to then adopt a policy of being neutral in work conversations.
   I end up dealing with a lot of drama between grown women in their 30’s at my business, and it is easily the thing I resent most about work. I feel fortunate that we have the jobs we have and I remind people when they are whining that if they feel they deserve and can do better for themselves that they have an obligation to themselves to go do so. The only thing stopping them from the life that they would apparently prefer is themselves. No one can make you satisfied, you have to gain that on your own.
   So, you can tell negative co-workers that if they are unhappy with their work lives or their home lives they should sort that out before they die and stop presenting it as someone else’s baggage.
   The thing that matters at work is work, and all these dramas distract from getting it done.

5. AnonymousNovember 17,2021 at 6:37PM UTC

   You can always avoid or turn around an unproductive conversation so do some research and be authentic.

   Further the very least you should do immediately is apologize for your thoughtless comment & attitude regarding the event. It was rude.

6. AnonymousNovember 17,2021 at 6:50PM UTC

   Regardless of whether it's enough go in and apologize. Admit your faux pas. That is the minimum. You may have damaged a bridge but the opportunity to rebuild may come later.

7. Kirsten BunchNovember 17,2021 at 7:05PM UTC

   Apologize humbly, sincerely and humbly. Don't make excuses for your behavior or why you can't go - simply apologize.

   Regarding your complaining coworkers, complaining is no fun alone so if you don't engage, don't respond, change the subject, the fun of complaining will diminish. You can also be more direct and say, "I don't like the way complaining makes me feel and I prefer to look for opportunities instead of what is wrong."

   How does this sound to you?

8. Kirsten BunchNovember 17,2021 at 7:06PM UTC

   the second humbly was meant to be empathetically

9. AnonymousNovember 17,2021 at 7:20PM UTC

   I would be careful about how to approach this because sometimes coworkers use things like this as a means to isolate you and get you fired

10. AnonymousNovember 17,2021 at 8:04PM UTC

    Definitely apologize and make sure that the person planning the event knows that you didn't mean it as a slight against them.

    In regards to navigating conversations like this, if you are in office don't say anything that you would be ashamed of other people hearing.

    If you are having a conversation with an officemate that is constantly negative either just listen to them and don't say negative things in response, or talk to them outside of the office building.

    This can be kind of hard to do initially, but once you start setting the precedent that you will not bash things in office, it will get easier.

    Good luck! :)

11. Tomilyn RichardsNovember 17,2021 at 8:36PM UTC

    Apologize 100%... own it. It will live under the surface if you don't!!!

12. AnonymousNovember 17,2021 at 9:23PM UTC

    I agree that apologizing sincerely is important. While it may not be enough to mend your relationship with your coworker, at least it is the beginning.

13. AnonymousNovember 18,2021 at 5:40AM UTC

    I don't participate in negative gossip. It is toxic. If someone starts that negativity, move away from the discussion.

    I was on a team with a person like this, and all I did was spew positivity every time I was with this person. She couldn't stand it, so she went somewhere else with her toxic miasma.

14. AnonymousNovember 18,2021 at 2:21PM UTC

    I did the same thing and it worked wonders for me! It was dragging me down emotionally and I hated it.

15. AnonymousNovember 19,2021 at 12:06AM UTC

    Exactly. That negativity is bad. It makes you feel worse. A toxic never ending circular cesspool. I don't have any tolerance for it.

    Move forward with a positive attitude.

16. Jackie GhedineNovember 18,2021 at 12:23PM UTC

    This is a great conversation to have and start here on this platform.

    First, thank you for being honest and sharing your culpability in the situation (very rare). This alone shows remorse for your action, the first step in a sincere apology.

    I'm going to break apart your question. I would absolutely start with apologizing, without an excuse, without a but. I'm really sorry I said that about the event. There is no excuse. Then it's about rebuilding trust with this colleague.

    As far as the co-worker who is negative, there are a few ways to handle it and it will depend on your personal comfort and communication style.

    One way is to be direct. When they start complaining nicely state, I know you're feeling frustrated, however, I need to stop this conversation short before it drags us both down. OR the next time she/he complains, ask if they are unhappy in this job because you've seen a pattern of negativity and you deserve to be happy. OR before she/he start a conversation saying, I've decided I want to rid work complaining and I need an accountability buddy, would you like to do it together.

    Good luck. We deal with a lot of toxic conversations and questions in our Facebook Community, Modern Gen X Woman and there are so many layers to it!

17. AnonymousNovember 19,2021 at 1:38PM UTC

    This is good advice. I have also fallen into a vortex of complaining with a coworker and have no great ideas about how to escape it other than avoiding her, which isnt nice. I do like her and I am as much to blame for the negativity. I suspect we are both stuck but not super enjoying it. I'll try the directness approach with an accountability buddy suggestion.

18. AnonymousNovember 19,2021 at 1:21PM UTC

    It happens! I would genuinely apologize, and pretty much say what you’ve said here. I got sucked into a conversation, and wanting to be part of whatever was going on, I chimed in. Not my greatest moment, and it’s really opened my eyes to seeing how I can contribute to a better workplace. I’d follow up with the person you were having the overheard conversation with and quietly say that you were appalled at your own contribution to hurting someone else that is trying to do the right thing. Let them figure out their own culpability. And try to do better going forward.

    I don’t agree with some of the comments here. Some level of venting is part of a healthy organization. We just need to be careful not to hurt someone else in the process.

19. Mary KerdashaNovember 19,2021 at 1:38PM UTC

    It happens! However I do think you do need to apologize sincerely to that person hopefully privately. In the future when someone starts to talk negatively you can certainly interrupt and say you know I have a deadline I’m trying to meet, or redirect the conversation, or remain neutral. Just because someone is being negative does not mean that you have to also be negative.. Eventually the people will notice that you do not chime in, and if they are looking for a fellow person to commiserate with they will find someone else. Best of luck with that apology! It is hard, but the right thing to do.

20. Erin BeemerNovember 19,2021 at 1:56PM UTC

    You might be surprised that a sincere apology (in private) is enough, to at least show you realize that you offended them and that wasn't your intention. Maybe you were frustrated that you couldn't attend or just venting, etc but be sincere. I'd explain that you have a schedule conflict so the organizer understands why you can't support.

    As for the negative people... nothing shuts down negative talk like presenting the positive side. I'm not talking toxic positivity, no need to be fake. I hate to admit I used to be the negative person until one day I realized that while the situation may not be within my control, my reaction and attitude 100% are mine to control. I flipped a switch on my own attitude and also how I looked at the feedback from others. Sometimes things really do need to be discussed and improved but there is a difference between critical analysis of a situation with the intention to improve it - or - simply complaining.

21. AnonymousNovember 19,2021 at 2:04PM UTC

    apologize. it's what you want to do, and what you should do. I agree with the prior poster that a sincere apology is always a good choice.
    as for the negative office chat, just don't participate. I personally find it an energy suck to always be a debbie-downer or hang out /chat with those who are. Just avoid those convos, get coffee, turn the topic around, or whatever. Negativity breeds negativity... avoid.

22. Clydene HorriganNovember 19,2021 at 2:25PM UTC

    As others have said, apologize. I’ve seen several comments saying to keep neutral. If that means staying in the conversation but not participating, that is still enabling them. Instead, I like the option of changing topics, reminding people to be nice if they are badmouthing someone, or removing myself from the conversation.

23. NikkiNovember 19,2021 at 4:07PM UTC

    Apologize. Work to repair the relationship with the event planner, or at least to get it where it was. Awesome that you have noticed that some co-workers only ever complain. That's the first step. You have choices. You can step away when their conversation turns to bashing. You can tell something positive from your own experience. You can ask, "how can we make that situation better?' You can yawn, and say that you wish to talk about other things because you don't feel good bashing. Easy for me to talk, as I am not there. However, I have used some of these techniques in my own life.

24. Karen GongawareNovember 19,2021 at 4:18PM UTC

    Apologize. And yes you can avoid getting sucked into a negative conversation. You are in charge of your own actions and words. Take responsibility for your own words and actions. Walk away, state you are trying to find the good in things, and bring out that positive emotions/thoughts lead to better health (emotional, physical, and mental). And I guess I was wondering why you felt the need to "Bash" any event? Be honest with yourself about your motives.

25. AmeliaNovember 19,2021 at 4:21PM UTC

    I just had this happen to me; a co worker (a manager like me) asked me about a project that's a long way from being done, and accidentally sent me a message intended for someone on her team complaining about me not having the project done. I haven't received an apology so it's boiled down to just not talking at all. Sounds dramatic but this is someone I was previously close with, so it is very upsetting. An apology would do wonders in clearing the air and rebuilding the relationship.

    As far as negativity goes, I have been hearing this a lot in my team. I intend to address it as a goal for the next year, to turn those complaints into the first step in finding a solution for the issues we're complaining about. Plus, I'm close enough with my team that I can tell them honestly that I'm tired of the complaining.

26. BeaBoss979975November 21,2021 at 5:10PM UTC

    That is a poor solution. You need to talk to her about how hurtful that was.

27. Rosalyn JohnsonNovember 19,2021 at 6:10PM UTC

    I would go ahead and apologize. You had indicated it might not be enough, but honestly, an apology goes a long way in rebuilding a relationship. One of the ways I apologize is: I'm sorry I realize that I have done (thing) and that has caused (consequence). In the future I'm going to work on (change) and I hope not to make such mistakes in the future.
    To be clear, I don't think you did anything wrong. We are not made of stone and we need to be able to express ourselves, even as we are frustrated. One of the things I like to keep in mind is that negative comments should probably go up and likely be private between myself and my direct report. A lot of the times I can be part of the solution that way.

    In terms of negativity in the workplace, that happens. Again, we are not made of stone.
    I guess it would depend on what the issue is. Is the negativity spilling out (on to you) because you will listen where others will not? Can you direct the conversation towards more solutions? Maybe they feel powerless. I always like to use I statements "I feel a decrease in my motivation/morale/work performance when I am not solution focused. Is there a way we can deal with the problem in a way that is solution focused? How can I help?"
    Once they realize that you are focused on solutions (speaking from experience here) they will either get on board with solution focused problem solving or find someone else to complain to or find another job.

28. Shelby CNovember 19,2021 at 7:07PM UTC

    This is a tricky, sticky wicket. It can be navigated. We have all been on BOTH sides of this one at one point or another. I am a fan of bullet points, so here we go:
    - Don't defend your actions. You were wrong. That is why you are apologizing. If you do, everything you say later does not sound sincere.
    - When you apologize, sincerity is everything. When done properly, it will actually strengthen your relationship because it opens the lines of communication instead of being a deficit.
    - The easiest thing to do is to say you made a mistake. You need to accept full responsibility.
    - If the other person responds, do not beg for forgiveness. Allow them to verbally vomit if needed, but hold your head high and keep your mouth shut as long as they are not abusive or personally attacking you. This is about their feelings and they have a right to be heard since you caused them pain - even if it was not on purpose. In the event it takes a turn, say "Jane, I am sorry; however, I can no longer stand here because I fear this is potentially damaging to our relationship which is the last thing I want. I am going to take some time to myself." Then, walk off.
    - As a sidebar, people who beg for forgiveness tend to be repeat offenders. They repeat their negative actions over and over.
    - Think of this as a strategic, military like, planned assault on negative emotions.
    - Stay away from words like but, if, and just. They negate everything you say. They are what I call "minimizers". For example: "But, I didn't think you would feel that way, it was just a joke" is an attempt at control instead of an apology.
    - Don't feel the need to explain or justify your actions. Thinly veiled excuses we call reasons take away from the apology.
    - Remember an apology does not justify your actions.
    - Be blunt and direct. It’s more effective to be blunt. Make it clear to the person that you are sorry. There shouldn't be a question.
    - Don't use passive-aggressive language. This is the hard one for me. When we say things that places the blame for their emotions back on them because of our actions, we aren't truly accepting responsibility at all. For example, "I am sorry if I made you feel...." or "I am sorry you are upset because." We need to straight own it. Otherwise, we are apologizing for our attempted apology.

    - Always be upfront and honest, even if it makes you sound like a jerk because you were or you wouldn't be here. We have all done it. It is a learning moment. We all have to swallow our pride and move on. Besides, no one likes to be told how to feel even when we are right.
    - Don't ever allow anyone to tell you that apologizing makes you seem weak. It is quite the opposite. It is NOT the easy way out.
    - You should apologize for your actions and then say you are sorry. For example, “I’m sorry I screwed up yesterday. It was disrespectful. I did it and I’m sorry.”
    - They don't have to accept your apology. If they want to be a jerk that is on them, but I would disengage instead of getting into a pissing match that no one will win and everyone will lose.
    - Tell them thank you when you are done.
    It also makes the person think you’re a weak person. You’re not weak. It’s actually very effective to express remorse and then follow-up with positive action.
    - Be grateful for the opportunity to put the past where it belongs and move forward.
    - Don't wait to do it. Rip the proverbial band-aid off.

    We can have a lifetime of regrets, always questioning and obsessing over what would've happened if.... Please do not torture yourself. This can truly be a positive experience.

    Changing gears....

    Now, when they only complain about workloads, I usually say something like, "If you spent all of the time and energy that you currently dedicate to complaining, to your career, how much more productive do you think you would be? How much less work would you have?" They also knew I had the power to eliminate their jobs, but that kept the ones that had no right to complain from shedding crocodile tears at my desk. Real ones are always welcome, but I don't do daily Pity Parades. You know who has a valid right and doesn't.... Some people just want to be acknowledged and celebrated and they don't care what it is for.

29. Cecile Marie GirouxNovember 23,2021 at 12:09AM UTC

    A little grovel bouquet as a token, along with your apology- a doctor Joy, recommendation.

30. Liz MilneNovember 23,2021 at 1:52AM UTC

    Why did you bash the event? If you wouldn't have gone even if you could, I would leave things as they are. Although, you do say they're upset: perhaps a noncommittal apology, 'sorry, I didn't know you were listening' or something light, like that? But if you were bashing it because you were trying to persuade yourself that you didn't really want to go even though you would be there like a shot if you didn't have scheduling issues, explain that to the person: it's a genuine reason for dissing their project and they might remember your regret for next time and make sure you can go next time?
    I'm a bit contrary - if people say something I don't agree with I say so!
    Eg
    'I hate this job, they're slavedrivers!'
    'I love it! I find it challenging and empowering. There's nothing better than achieving my top target and getting the nod of approval!' :P
    Or you could just cut them off each time they started moaning, with something like, 'We should be grateful to have decent jobs. Speaking of, I'm going to get on with mine.'