Let me ask you a few questions

40 Comments

1. AnonymousSeptember 29,2022 at 6:11PM UTC

   My big issue is dyeing my 100% grey hair to a "natural" deep brown. I'll be 59 soon and think I can "pass" for early 50s but idk.

   Think it is so unfair for women "of this age!"

2. AnonymousSeptember 29,2022 at 6:14PM UTC

   As a cis/hetero/white/woman, the only conformation I have to do is reign in some of my ADHD tendencies, and make sure I'm not being culturally appropriative.

3. Shebbra ToussaintSeptember 29,2022 at 6:17PM UTC

   All the time but not anymore. I recently went through an interview process and afterwards I realized I didn’t think about my natural hair or anything else. I showed up courageously and authentically. I got the job…..yay them!!! lol

4. Patricia ArboledaSeptember 30,2022 at 4:27PM UTC

   Congratulations Shebbra!

5. AnonymousSeptember 29,2022 at 6:54PM UTC

   Nope! If a company is promoting bringing your full self to a job, then that's what you get from me nowadays! Even if they aren't promoting that, I'm still doing me. lol

   Sure, I used to be self-conscious with my appearance or how I spoke (because I was groomed to believe this was the only way of being accepted or getting ahead in life smdh) but I'm so over the codeswitching days.

   What I've learned is codeswitching has more to do with making others around you "comfortable" with how they want to experience you. If you appear different, act different, speak different then what they're used to, they don't know how to engage with you nor have a desire too (red flag).

   It's less about you; it's someone's way of attempting to minimize YOU when really they're the ones with the problem. They need to change, not you!

6. AnonymousSeptember 29,2022 at 7:06PM UTC

   I code switch all the time. My most recent employer swore they were a bring whole self to work organization but it was pretty clear to me that only certain people were allowed to be their authentic selves. This is not an uncommon experience for neurodivergent folks like myself.

7. AnonymousSeptember 29,2022 at 9:04PM UTC

   I like that term.

8. Patricia ArboledaSeptember 30,2022 at 4:26PM UTC

   Both companies and many leaders have to learn a lot about true diversity. Since the pandemic, we are living an important evolution, if they don't change for the better they will see the repercusion in their business. It's a lot about culture and growth.

9. AnonymousSeptember 29,2022 at 9:02PM UTC

   Every time this topic comes up, I always find myself stuck in the middle on this. As a black female, me being authentic in my workplace can come across as off putting to others. Not because I say offensive things, but even saying I like certain music in a casual situation can result in an awkward look of disgust or judgement where after 20yrs it is just easier to compartmentalize that "realness" in arenas where it is more accepted-outside of work. If I want to wear dreadlocks tomorrow at work, folks might not say anything to me about it, but I could get passed up on promotions due to appearance. On the other hand, I would not want a bonafide bigot to be authentic with me in a workplace. I would rather not know and they should keep those kind of points of views to themselves. For ex, I used to work in an office for 2yrs where the same group of 5 people would gather near where I sat and almost everything that came out of their mouth was full of ignorance and bigotry. And they did not realize how much their voice carried (or maybe they did and did not care). For context, most of them are boomers and I get that at one point they could easily get away with that kind of rhetoric. So although I get and respect the energy behind this post, I am still neutral about it and just prefer that people bring their professionalism and respect. Lets tackle that and refine that first and get that right before we leap over to authenticity. What might be authentic to some might be highly offensive to others right/wrong. And not everyone has the same level of self-awareness to gauge how and what they say and impacts others. Like if a co-worker decided to be authentic and tell me they are a member of a "proud boy" it is highly likely I would reduce my interactions with that person, not because I am a snob, but mostly out of fear for my safety. So yep, still stuck in the middle like peanut butter. Sorry-not sorry.

10. Crystal HowellSeptember 30,2022 at 1:00PM UTC

    I believe they passed a law last July or so, hair is a protected class, https://news.bloomberglaw.com/daily-labor-report/black-hair-bias-laws-spread-including-in-handful-of-red-states

    Just Do You! Be You!

11. AnonymousSeptember 30,2022 at 1:32PM UTC

    That may be.
    Unfortunately, not all laws are followed and if you are not the majority in any environment there is not much that can be done. Sure an EEO complaint can be filed, but there is a reason why 97% of them are unsuccessful. So it’s cute for votes that a law was passed, but depending on the work environment kit’s not applied or practiced and that’s not the only example. In fact many of the brave folks who share some of their horror stories on this very site about their experience provide plenty of examples to gleam from that in certain environments laws don’t mean didyly poo and that’s why they leave as a last resort.

12. Lucero LauraOctober 1,2022 at 6:49PM UTC

    I agree on this… there are places out there with so much “power” that a few (or even many) lawsuits don’t even seem to phase them. These places seem to run on their own terms and HR departments play a huge part of the demise of the

    company culture. Best thing is to run, run far away from such places and if one finds themselves stuck in such a place look elsewhere ASAP

13. Patricia ArboledaSeptember 30,2022 at 4:37PM UTC

    You have a valid approach and it seems to me a topic best discussed on a call. For me, it is important to help women leaders advance in their careers but always hand in hand with their values, and goals and always staying true to themselves, being authentic. If you are interested, you can schedule a call through my website https://www.arboledacoaching.com I would love to talk to you. 

14. AnonymousOctober 2,2022 at 1:18AM UTC

    Sister I appreciated and identified with your post. I code switch every day in my corporate life. I grow weary of the endless "is that your real hair" and having to make myself smaller, switch up my speech patterns so as not to appear to be the angry black woman.

15. AnonymousOctober 2,2022 at 1:59PM UTC

    My Sister, you took the thoughts right out of my head.

    It sucks to have to practice dodge techniques so colleagues don't put their hands in our hair, among other microaggressive things. Why every day gotta turn into an X-men episode? Lets continue to hang tough and look forward to that retirement finish line. In solidarity!

16. Nicole DupuisSeptember 30,2022 at 6:13PM UTC

    OMG I love this. I have very curly hair and in interviews, I used to pull my hair back really tight in a bun (which was a struggle to do in itself).

    Eventually, I realized that if someone was not going to hire me because I had curly hair that I wore naturally crazy, that is NOT somewhere I should work.

    Ever since that realization, I purposely wear my hair down and extra curly--this is what you get y'all!

17. AnonymousOctober 1,2022 at 12:47PM UTC

    I love this! I have a friend, here in NY, who would straighten her very curly hair. The curly hair looked awesome on her and I asked her why she straightened it. She said women with straight hair, she found, were taken more seriously (yes, double standard, it seems). As an example, she pointed out that all women on news channels, again, here, ie, reporters, weather people, anchors, all had straight hair. And it is true!

18. Patricia ArboledaOctober 4,2022 at 8:27PM UTC

    Yes, it's something that happens most of the time and we don't notice it.

19. Paulla Fetzek, MSEdSeptember 30,2022 at 7:11PM UTC

    Great post.

    In no way do I change myself for work. I don't care about fashion trends. I style my hair the way I think it looks good. I wear clothing that I find professional, yet expresses who I am.

    I don't excel at my job because of my looks. If this were a criteria, I'd fail miserably. LMHO. I excel at my job because of my skills, talents, and the amount of experience (over 30 years!) I bring.

20. Patricia ArboledaOctober 4,2022 at 8:26PM UTC

    Excellent! I congratulate you because not everyone feels so free to show their authenticity.

21. AnonymousOctober 1,2022 at 12:55PM UTC

    I continue to color my hair and will not go gray while still in the workforce. People think I am 10 years younger, and I let them think that.

22. Evelyn LivantOctober 1,2022 at 1:23PM UTC

    That is a fantastic topic and challenge. Here is where I am at: I am doing a late in life career change in the IT field. Changing the narrative is women in tech. I definitely change my hair color, clothing and conversation for work. I'm not going to fight a battle on more than one front at a time.

23. AnonymousOctober 1,2022 at 1:43PM UTC

    When I was hired several years ago, my company was making big changes to become more employee friendly and inclusive. It was much needed & is now a great place to work. We did a company wide personality assessment and had training on how this can help us better understand how to communicate/work with each other. I was completely off the charts opposite on all criteria than my colleagues so I worked very hard for 3 years to bend myself into someone else’s comfort zone (even when it strongly went against my values & morals). It was never enough, I was always seen as “too” something even when I became a shell of myself. The proverbial straw was when I was counseled last year to bend even further, that I needed to do everything I could to make people comfortable , make people like me - I finally spoke up and illustrated all the things I’d done for years, all the thought, training, learning, reading, etc I’d already done knowing that I was opposite my colleagues. I swore right then that I wasn’t going to to it anymore. If we were being an inclusive company and using those tools to work WITH each other, that means we were now going to meet in the middle - not me completely become another person because someone feels I’m “too” They were going to have to adapt to my style also. Best thing I ever did. I’m so much happier and actually hear less complaints. Let your light shine - don’t become smaller just because someone else refuses to accept you as you are. If it’s going to be “the” issue, then you’re in the wrong place and it’s time to look for a better fit.

    (as a side note, the assessment included a plotting of your work & personal styles - at that time I was the only person in the company whose dot was exactly the same. Everyone else was 2 different people).

24. AnonymousOctober 1,2022 at 4:58PM UTC

    It can be along journey to your authentic self because of all the messages of should be, and modeling of expectations. Good work for working through it. As a coach to empower women I compliment you. I have also done a lot of personality work, habits old beliefs so much to glow through. I am reminded of the little child who asked the sculptor how he knew she was in there?

25. AnonymousOctober 1,2022 at 3:11PM UTC

    Hairstyle: No. Honestly how you want to wear your hair is fine as long as it is clean and people can see your face/eyes as far as I am concerned. I changed the color of my hair 10 years ago and will continue to color it probably until I die.

    Work vs Home voice: At work I don’t swear. That is my choice because I grew up in the age of swearing is a sign you have a small mind and limited vocabulary. I took that as a challenge at a young age and embrace big, often rarely words to confuse people.

    Wardrobe: I dress how I want, depending on the setting. At work I dress professionally if a bit eccentrically. Garden/workout/beach clothes are not appropriate and anyone who uses the excuse of I just want to be comfortable are pain lazy. You can be just as comfortable in well fitting pants as you can in yoga pants.

    Conversations: Personal business stays out of work business. The two do not need to merge. You never know when something might come back to bite you in the ass. NEVER repeat confidential information, it then becomes non-confidential. I avoid politics because there is just no winning that conversation and I don’t need to beat my head against a brick wall.

    I don’t know what Code switching is…

    Everyone should be allowed to be authentic. I think the trouble with that is some people take what they feel is their authentic self too far to the extreme.

26. AnonymousOctober 1,2022 at 3:56PM UTC

    I am work in corporate sales.

    The culture is to present a polished image so I dress professionally- neutral color suits, dresses, heels and dye and straighten my coarse curly hair each day. At home I”ll wear more relaxed, colorful outfits and wear my hair naturally on vacation or during time off. I don’t change my voice but definitely censor what I say at the office. For instance, my manager will make statements that I disagree with, especially quasi political ones, I will keep my mouth shut rather than express my opinion. Lot of people that come from affluent families; I downplay my blue collar background all the time. Hate that I can’t bring my whole self to work but have learned over the years that’s what I need to do to survive in a corporate environment.

27. AnonymousOctober 1,2022 at 5:02PM UTC

    Hairstyle - no.

    Work voice/home voice - well, I don't talk to my kid the same way I talk to my coworkers, so they are different but I think that's 100% appropriate.

    Wardrobe - no.

    Conversations - In general I think there are some conversations that are not appropriate to have with certain people, especially at work. To me that's just appropriate boundary setting.

    I think it's fine to be your authentic self at work as long as you're still being professional and respectful. These people are your coworkers and the people who are signing your paycheck - they are not your friends and and they are not your family.

28. AnonymousOctober 1,2022 at 5:07PM UTC

    My superpower is that I'm awesome at my job.

29. AnonymousOctober 1,2022 at 11:46PM UTC

    What? You can sustain an identity if you are constantly "code switching".

30. AnonymousOctober 2,2022 at 12:03AM UTC

    No, I am a middle aged single mom working FT while battling a chronic autoimmune disease. I don't have the mental bandwidth to flip back and forth. What you see is what you get.

31. Kari HadleyOctober 2,2022 at 12:48AM UTC

    I have long (about 6-8" past my shoulders), almost black hair that I wear down, never up (unless I'm running). I've had it all my adult life. Back when I first started working, in the 1980s, I had career counselors tell me I should either cut it or wear it up. Never happened -- my hair is my identity. I'm not changing it for anyone, especially an employer.

32. Patricia ArboledaOctober 3,2022 at 4:10PM UTC

    Excellent Kari!

33. AnonymousOctober 2,2022 at 1:13AM UTC

    Yes, yes and yes. This is especially true for latinas and black women.

34. Patricia ArboledaOctober 4,2022 at 8:14PM UTC

    Totally agree!

35. AnonymousOctober 2,2022 at 2:19PM UTC

    Hairstyle - no, but how I like to wear my hair IS acceptable at work.

    Different voice - YES. As a case manager, I never spoke to my family as I did to clients more than I would talk to them or like someone trying to sell them a car when I was selling cars. Place and context are essential to the "voice" you use. Employees and clients do not respond well to being talked to in a "voice" that suggests they are children.

    Wardrobe. YES. Each employer has a dress code that is less comfortable than what I wear around the house. What I wear around the house is usually not appropriate for the workplace.

    Conversations. YES. It's all about boundaries. I have worked with vulnerable populations as one in a position of power, and it is essential to know what is and is not appropriate to discuss with clients and coworkers.

    Code-switching - If you are talking about adjusting your language based on the people you are around, then yes. Respect when you are in "other people's houses" for who they are and their culture is also important, especially when you are the guest.

    About not doing it to be accepted, then I assume that you are saying you are willing to accept those who disrespect you.

    I was working in the basement of a church, and when people would come in and drop multiple f-bombs in every sentence, disparaging everyone who worked there, all while expecting us to help them. Some got bent out of shape when we asked them to respect the place they were in as guests and clean up their language, and I don't apologize for it. Demanding respect when none is given rarely works anywhere.

36. EMILY KIKUE FRANKOctober 3,2022 at 2:33PM UTC

    I talk about code-switching a lot with my LGBTQI+ clients and clients of color. It can be extra hard for people facing persistent systemic discrimination, and these folks often aren't able to embrace authenticity and get hired. Instead, we talk about compromises that feel acceptable to them, or about easing in to authenticity after they've been hired.

37. Patricia ArboledaOctober 4,2022 at 8:14PM UTC

    Yes, it is difficult to get out of that, there are many paradigms to break.

38. Robyn McCabria KelsoOctober 4,2022 at 12:17PM UTC

    Constantly - but in education it seems like its a must - one code with the kids, another with adults (admin, parents). Maybe it's just my experience.

39. Patricia ArboledaOctober 4,2022 at 8:13PM UTC

    Of course, each work area has its own codes. In your case it is understandable to follow some parameters. The important thing is to remain authentic to yourself, that you don't have to be a certain way to advance in your work. 

40. AnonymousOctober 10,2022 at 3:25AM UTC

    Packaging is everything! Quality products get passed over if they cannot capture notice! Fair or not - it's reality!