Shamed for saying "sorry"?

75 Comments

1. Melanie CoggenJanuary 5,2023 at 8:14PM UTC

   While it is useful advice, the manner is not appropriate, especially on calls. Let them know not to correct you in public.

2. AnonymousJanuary 6,2023 at 1:15AM UTC

   Understand they are trying to publicly diminish you. As with other work microgression, a brief, well-rehearsed response can be effective.

3. Barb HansenJanuary 6,2023 at 1:39AM UTC

   Well, I'm Canadian and in Canada, the word sorry is almost used a punctation. Canadians have been known to say sorry to inanimate objects that we happen to bump into, so I'm reflectively used to saying "sorry" as a social convention.

   When I say "sorry", I'm not saying that I take responsibility for anything, I'm expressing a social norm. There is an interesting factoid about the sorry social norm in Canada that I'll drop at the end of this comment.

   When I moved to the US, my new American friends and extended family would always comment that I didn't need to say sorry about "whatever" b/c it wasn't my fault. Of course, I know that I didn't cause "whatever", I'm just expressing that I'm sorry that "whatever" happened to you or I'm sorry that you're upset or in pain or accidently bumped into me.

   Here's my take on "sorry-shaming"

   Should women reflectively take responsibility for things they are not responsible for? No

   Do you say sorry to diffuse a situation or out of a learned "woman say sorry" habit? Then try to stop doing that. You can say other things that express your sympathy or concern without using the word sorry.

   If you are saying sorry based on your culture (Canada is not the only country that says sorry a lot), than I say, you do you and when you are faced with sorry-shaming you can take that opportunity to share your culture of saying sorry without accepting blame.

   Interesting Canadian Factoid:

   In 2009, an act was passed which made apologies inadmissible in court. So, saying “sorry” meant “an expression of sympathy or regret” not “an admission of fault or liability in connection with the matter to which the words or actions relate.”

4. Lori DrapeauJanuary 6,2023 at 5:47PM UTC

   Thank you for this perspective! Its always good to remember that we all come from different places and experiences. Great information.

5. AnonymousJanuary 8,2023 at 4:54PM UTC

   You raise an excellent point. "Sorry" has multiple meanings. The coworker is implicating that the poster is admitting guilt for an error or infraction by saying "I'm sorry". The poster's intent might be regret for having inconvenienced others. Regardless of the intent, the poster's use of "sorry" is not necessarily disempowering to the poster and all women. It could be viewed as a professional, courteous reaction that, as so many have stated, is culturally conditioned. The chiding coworker needs to "take a chill pill", and the coworker's supervisor ought to privately request an end to this behavior.

6. AnonymousJanuary 6,2023 at 1:37PM UTC

   I agree with the comments above. I too, am prone to saying sorry, but have since tried to change my habits. While she is not wrong, she could handle the individual situations in a much better manner. Try pulling her aside to have that crucial conversation with her. Ask for feedback in a more personal, private matter. Good luck!

7. EMILY KIKUE FRANKJanuary 6,2023 at 3:17PM UTC

   You're not being too sensitive. Tell this coworker that it's cultural and they are being insensitive to your upbringing.

8. Mary PoolJanuary 6,2023 at 4:23PM UTC

   Emily, I respectfully disagree. She does not need to make excuses to a coworker for being polite or apologize for her phrasing. I do agree with you in that she is not being too sensitive.

9. Mary PoolJanuary 6,2023 at 4:19PM UTC

   This person is bullying you and all the other women on the team. It needs to stop. This is her personal view, not a company policy. You don't have to share her point of view or act in ways she demands of you and all other women. This is the same thing as telling a woman who wears a hijab that she is demeaning all women, so she must stop wearing it. That would be unacceptable; her bullying other women because of how they phrase things is intolerable. She needs to stop forcing her cultural views on others. I would strongly suggest the next time she does this, immediately stop the meeting and tell her you have discussed this before. If she does not stop, then you will schedule a meeting with management and personnel, if need be, to address her bullying behaviors. I also find it very concerning that you are willing to change yourself to suit her and feel the need to be less than you are because of her behaviors! Does she do this to men as well? If not, then it is not only bullying behavior, but also sexist behavior; which makes it unacceptable on a whole other level.

10. Mary PoolJanuary 6,2023 at 4:35PM UTC

    I have to admit that I am stumped by the responses. Why does she need to justify her patterns of speech to this coworker? Why is her coworker's way of expressing herself superior to hers? Why must she work on avoiding a work-appropriate word she is comfortable using? Public sorry shaming is no different than public body shaming, especially when one has already asked the person to stop. We find body shaming unacceptable, but sorry shaming is fine? And if she is personally comfortable with her use of the word "sorry," why should she be forced to change it to satisfy a coworker?

11. Mary PoolJanuary 6,2023 at 4:47PM UTC

    I would like to add that my son is an over-apologizer; it drives me right up the wall. But this person does not seem like an over-apologizer, but rather a person who uses sorry in the normal course of conversation. I will share this tip. My son's counselor told him to count how many times a day he apologizes when it was not necessary or interrupted the flow of the conversation. Then the next day, do it less. Within three weeks, his over-apologizing improved dramatically. It hasn't stopped, but the improvement is amazing.

12. AnonymousJanuary 6,2023 at 5:42PM UTC

    I consider myself a strong, independent woman that also has compassion and empathy. I always thought and hoped that was the way I came across to others in and out of the workplace. A few years ago I made new friends (outside of work) and one woman in particular pointed out to me that I didn't need to apologize for things. At first it took me aback and I was slightly offended because she said it in front of others. She did it a few more times and after giving it more thought, I did realize that I say sorry when its not necessary and essentially take responsibility for things that aren't in my control. I could see how it would make someone seem insecure and personally I tend to do it in situations where I don't feel as confident. I am more aware of it now and have made an effort to stop saying sorry, especially in work situations.

    It is definitely not ok for someone to repeatedly say this to you in front of others, however I would do some thinking about why you say sorry and whether it is a habit that you would perhaps like to change.

13. AnonymousJanuary 6,2023 at 6:21PM UTC

    I don't know that you are being too sensitive about the sorry shaming, maybe? That said. I'm 49. I definitely have the capacity for changing as well as to not use my age as an excuse for any flub ups. And actually, as I sit here and think about this further, many of us (me included) do have a habit of apologizing too much. Whether or not we even have a reason to apologize, and yes, it's out of control and it does need to stop.

14. Vanessa StormJanuary 6,2023 at 9:04PM UTC

    In this instance, I would say the sorry is warranted as you messed up and you are apologizing for wasting time/messing up. But there are people (usually women) who over-apologize for everything.

    However, there are times when it does need to be used. Does this person not say sorry when they collide with another coworker? I don't know how many times I when pushed my chair back and collided with someone who was walking past or the person sitting behind me while working in a cubicle farm. We both apologized and went continued on with what we were doing.

    I've worked in customer service and on the medical support side. The phrases "I'm sorry this happened to you" or "I'm sorry you are going through this" followed by some positive action go a long way in de-escalating a situation or calming an over-whelmed patient.

    So the best course of action would just be to be wary of how often you use it, but I would never negate it out of my vocabulary entirely.

15. Kimberly McKenzie-KlemmJanuary 7,2023 at 1:19PM UTC

    I was an "over appologizer" until a second-level manager took an affront and had a quiet talk with me. In her decision, "sorry" didn't make any better things that went wrong and if it was bad news I was coming to her with, I needed to stand up to it instead of apologize for it. So many times I was using it to "soften" the situation and her anticipated reaction. She asked me to stop using the word and to come up with another way to handle unpleasant transfers of not-welcome departmental information. (I frequently had to ask her for signatures to process gap coverage documentation.) It was good for me. I stopped hanging my head as much and grew more of a spine. I do understand and I still say "sorry" when I am directly responsible, but I would make the effort to cut it out of your vocabulary for awhile. You will be surprised at how your confidence level increases.

16. Beth Whight MoralesJanuary 7,2023 at 1:26PM UTC

    *** Edit to add: I did have paragraphs to make this easier to read. I needed to edit for some punctuation. If anyone knows how to add paragraphs after editing and saving changes, please let me know. It’s automatically formatting to exclude paragraphs with the save. ***

    I try to use “sorry” only when I’ve taken an action that has caused others harm. It doesn’t mean anything otherwise but also….

    I’m in my mid-40s. I had a conversation with a male friend more than 20 years ago when I said “sorry” for something I had no hand in (like traffic was slow or something equally ridiculous). He said why are you apologizing.

    I agree with the sentiment that the word is overused, especially by women. Listen to your successful male counterparts - do you ever hear them say “sorry”? I would guess not.

    In general, successful people are confident and only apologize when it really matters. Try not to use “sorry” as a crutch. Think of what you are really trying to say. “Sorry” indicates ownership. So if someone’s pet passes, “sorry” is inappropriate unless you had a hand in its passing. If used otherwise, it’s not so genuine. In that case “I understand the pain of a pet’s passing” or “I have so much sympathy for you” rings far more true than “sorry” would.

    ”Sorry” can also be the mark of a lazy person who simply wants to appear congenial without having to put any effort into it. That statement may upset people, but it’s highly unlikely that unapologetic people will see that differently. Apologetic people are also more likely be seen as less competent, and passed over for promotions and raises in favor of their more confident counterparts.

    Your team member is not wrong. She is 100% correct when she says you don’t need to apologize. I would pose this question to you, if she had not repeatedly told you that you don’t need to apologize, would you even have considered it? Have you considered she is actually supportive of women being whole and complete people and understanding they have a right to exist without apologizing for it?

    If it still bothers you, approach her. If you say “I’m sorry but I want you to stop…” then you are indicating you are making a request you shouldn’t be making. If you make the request without saying “sorry”, then you have demonstrated you are capable of monitoring your own language. You will have also demonstrated that you can get a point across without being apologetic, and you should continue to put that into practice.

    Regarding the “I’m sorry I hit the wrong button” - replaces the “sorry” with “whoops” or replace the whole sentence with “just a moment while I get this going” - it’s really too minor to warrant an apology. Many people would not even consider it a mistake, but rather, something that happens to everyone at some point while using technology. Evaluate those times you really need to apologize, and remember those times need to matter. If I’m the course of a week does it really matter if you pushed the wrong button? Yes, if you’re the President of the US and you push the big red one.

    Best of luck to you!

17. AnonymousJanuary 7,2023 at 1:38PM UTC

    There's a lot of discussion in feminist circles about how women are socialized to apologize constantly, even for things outside of their control, and that this supports the patriarchy.

    Your younger coworker is probably right.

18. Jean KuykJanuary 8,2023 at 7:17PM UTC

    Being "right" (about a relatively trivial matter) doesn't justify publicly correcting and embarrassing someone.

    Imagine if you had a coworker who revealed that, because of a health condition, they need to reduce sodium in their diet. Several days later, you see them in the break room eating salted pretzels. Do you think it would be appropriet to call out your coworker in front of others and lecture them that they need to stop eating sodium? Wouldn't most of us view that as bullying/harrassing behavior?

    Yes, women should stop apologizing so much, but that change will be accomplished by modelling assertive behavior and (voluntary) career coaching, not forced on women in "gotcha" scenarios. Sometimes people have good intentions, but harm their own cause with bad implementation.

19. AnonymousJanuary 7,2023 at 1:41PM UTC

    could over apologizing be a problem? Maybe — especially in the minds of others. Or if it affects your work’s impact.

    could repeatedly telling someone whose job or wellbeing is not your responsibility to stop a speech pattern be a problem?

    Absolutely, yes. She needs to mind her own business,

20. Reb562January 7,2023 at 1:42PM UTC

    She is trying to help you. Her approach may not be favorable but she is trying to help you. I'm 49 and I stopped apologizing. My career has soared because of it.

21. AnonymousJanuary 7,2023 at 9:41PM UTC

    The colleague’s approach is detrimental and will only make OP more anxious — and perhaps more likely to say “sorry.”

    Public criticism isn’t helpful, period.

22. Patriciai AllenJanuary 7,2023 at 1:49PM UTC

    I used to apologize repeatedly and learn different words to replace sorry with the help of friends and co-workers who used the correction with humor or a soft tone. If the tone is offensive, it causes us to lose the purpose of teaching something new. 

23. Ellen BlanchetteJanuary 7,2023 at 1:55PM UTC

    I'm 61 and I learned a long time ago not to say sorry. I find it particularly annoying when people start a sentence with "Sorry, but..." If there's a "but" there, you're not sorry, so don't say it.

24. Elise AxelradJanuary 7,2023 at 3:10PM UTC

    This is a different use of "Sorry." In this case it is a prelude to airing a disagreement, rather than an apology for a minor slip up or inconvenience to others in the recent past.

25. AnonymousJanuary 7,2023 at 9:38PM UTC

    I’m in my 60s, too, and have learned that it doesn’t help to shame others publicly, although it does help to be tolerant.

    People have had very different upbringings. While it’s fine to privately suggest a different wording than sorry, a strong trigger reaction to “sorry” is as detrimental as over-using the phrase.

26. Angie MartinJanuary 7,2023 at 2:01PM UTC

    I'd be tempted to apologize for saying sorry so much.

27. maryJanuary 7,2023 at 2:45PM UTC

    Me too!!!

28. Alissa BurchJanuary 7,2023 at 2:10PM UTC

    Leadership 101 = "Praise in public, criticize in private." And note that I said "leadership" and not "management." Whether the feedback is technically accurate or not, correcting a person publicly is not "helping." Your coworker is either inexperienced and doesn't know how to offer constructive advice in a way that preserves another person's dignity, or she's grandstanding & being a bully. Either way, I see this as her issue to correct, not yours.

29. AnonymousJanuary 7,2023 at 9:32PM UTC

    Well said. I’d amplify this message to note that the colleague’s public criticisms are more corrosive than OP’s use of “sorry.”

    I hope that OP provides this feedback to her colleague in private.

30. AnonymousJanuary 7,2023 at 2:41PM UTC

    I too have the word programmed into me and respond constantly using it both professionally and personally.I have two professional daughters, that I am trying to reprogram to use, excuse me, pardon me, I am even trying oops, as I have also read many articles that say women are using it so much.I personally am having challenges changing using the word.
    I start to say sorry, not sorry lol when I realize what I’ve said.
    I don’t know if that’s helping me, but I am working on it.I do despise the fact that we’re constantly being judged about the usage and having been brought up and taught to be polite was the root of why we say it so often and I don’t think that’s a bad thing, hence the criticism is challenging.

31. Judi Alger BurgessJanuary 7,2023 at 2:44PM UTC

    Even if this person was your boss--breaking into your presentation in front of a group is wrong. I think this person is more interested in showing that they are a "woke" "Feminist" rather than helping you at all. This is why many people don't like the word feminist, she/he is using it as a way to push you down and pull herself/himself up. Feminism is lifting all PEOPLE up: male or female. Start documenting every time this person "Corrects" you and then have a face-to-face conversation with the person, or a higher-up/HR person.

32. Melissa BetetaJanuary 7,2023 at 2:56PM UTC

    My 10 year old stepson is an over apologizer. Touching on the culture aspect you mentioned, he lived in Japan for 3 years and their culture is known to over apologize. Now that he lives here in the US with my husband and I, we are trying to correct him that saying sorry isn’t always the correct answer. He also has anxiety, so saying sorry also contributes to his anxiety of trying to take accountability of everything, even when there’s no relation. Truly, that is a very bad habit because it shows your character is incompetent or weak and wouldn’t be able to accomplish the task or position in an effective manner. People who say sorry too much also tend to have lower self esteems and get ran over by strong personalities. Just as I’m teaching my son, come up with different words you can use in the place of “I’m sorry” or “sorry”. Just remember, sorry is not always warranted, a simple “thank you”, “okay” or even no response is acceptable. Wishing you luck in your journey to a better you!

33. AnonymousJanuary 7,2023 at 3:26PM UTC

    Interrupting someone in a meeting is unprofessional. Interrupting someone in a meeting to push your cultural beliefs on them, not just once, but multiple times, is borderline harassment. Next time this happens, let her finish speaking and then let her know that you would love to take the conversation off line and discuss the differences between your cultural norms with your manager present so you can lay the subject to rest once and for all and avoid veering from agenda topics in future meetings. Then ask her if that works for her. Make sure you wait for her to say “yes”. She may spit, sputter, and natter, wasting even more time. Let her ramble. Then pin her to an answer. “Is that a yes?” or similar. If she says “no, that’s not necessary”, you can confirm right then and there that interruptions unrelated to the agenda be tabled for later discussions or future meetings.

34. SueJanuary 7,2023 at 3:39PM UTC

    I’m guessing you may be a Brit like me? I’m always saying sorry, you’re right it’s a cultural thing, we just can’t help ourselves!

    I’ve also experienced the “sorry police”

    So now when I get the “stop saying sorry, you don’t have to apologize”

    My response is “I’m not, I’m British” ?

35. AnonymousJanuary 7,2023 at 4:23PM UTC

    I'm a Canadian woman and yup, saying sorry is in the DNA lol. I have made efforts to stop saying it so frequently (while also working to change what EVERYONE has been trained to say to any and everyone - "you guys"). It's actually ridiculous to have to change culture to become less kind but hey, that's humanity. I actually find it maddening when anyone tells me something like, "you dont need to apologize, you don't....you can...". How about you work on you and stop telling ME who to be when I'm pretty awesome. Good luck with the person who should check themselves for thinking they can and should tell you what to say, do, be.

    Oh, I'm sorry. Did I say something wrong? ??

36. surfnwriteJanuary 8,2023 at 3:39PM UTC

    I am American but I spent a semester in London 40 + years ago. Ever since then I've said "sorry" when I bump into someone instead of "excuse me." It's ingrained in my brain forever!

37. Elizabeth HallJanuary 7,2023 at 3:39PM UTC

    I think some people, particularly, women do apologize too much. However, almost all of the meetings I attend are virtual, and frankly, it can be annoying when someone can't share their screen, etc. Simply acknowledging that and moving on quickly is absolutely appropriate and no one should be corrected for that. You are simply recognizing the impact of your lack of technical skills on others. Personally, I'd have been inclined to answer the individual who came off mute with a bit of a mildly snarky retort similar to, "I'm sorry you feel that way," while smiling pointedly and moving on. This person's behavior strikes me as having a note of bullying and there are times it can make sense to confront it.

38. AnonymousJanuary 7,2023 at 3:41PM UTC

    You’re not being too sensitive. I’m Canadian and saying sorry is part of the culture. I think she is being very idealistic, obnoxious and disrespectful assuming her values trump yours.

39. Kathleen Puls AndradeJanuary 7,2023 at 3:44PM UTC

    The younger worker's motivation isn't necessarily wrong. Women tend to apologize far too often. It's something that's been ingrained in us from childhood. I've witnessed women saying "sorry" for things that they haven't even done. I've tried to train myself out of saying "sorry" for the small things but it's not so easy.

    With that said, your co-worker is out of line interrupting you. They could have pulled you aside and had a discussion with you about their views, but still, they're out line. And yes, they don't need to police you and you might say as much if that's how you feel.

40. AnonymousJanuary 7,2023 at 4:01PM UTC

    I'm Canadian, so it's part of our culture. Everyone says it constantly. My advice would be substitute it for something else, such as 'pardon me' or 'excuse me'.

41. Tamara WebbJanuary 7,2023 at 4:23PM UTC

    Since we are here to cast opinions. I still believe in how a person was raised. Your character won’t allow uncouth actions.

42. Janet Morris BonneyJanuary 7,2023 at 4:33PM UTC

    I always say "Sorry" for anything I have done that could possibly bother a person. If a person bumped into me, etc., accidentally, it would be nice if they would just say, "Sorry!" I am from the South, so that may be why I feel that it should be done.

43. Bradford McCormickJanuary 7,2023 at 4:33PM UTC

    Thie person soulnds like they have a problem. Unless you find out wht their real, underlying problem is there's no way to deal with the symptom, unless you are in line with and above them and you make i clear to them that thi behavior of their's is impacting the performance of other team members, so thaty can say it to you if they want but not to the other people becaus eeverytbody is ther for one purpose: the company's business and this behavior is impacting it.

    Totally different story: As for "I'm sorry." THer ar times when it's not jus being graious. If my daughter leaves the door open and our indoor only cat migh escape and become a "lost ca", she says: "I'm sorry." I explain to her that being sorry will not be=ring back a lost cat. Jus don't leave th door open again going forward. end of discussion. When material harm is done, saying "I'm sorry" does not remediate the damage. Bu I doube that's what your coworker is talking about; they sould like they have an underlying problem which is expressing itself by being obsessed with people seaying they are sorry in harmless situations. Thye are kicking the cat.

44. Lisa MaherJanuary 7,2023 at 5:04PM UTC

    You may find it comforting to know that in the UK, it is considered rude to say Excuse Me, and in its place, they say Sorry. Please don't feel wrong about this. I would have to say your co-worker has views that are her own and don't need to be pushed on anyone, especially in such a public way. Her views are her views, and your intention is not to diminish them. You could humorously turn it around and next time say, "Sorry, not sorry"...lol Honestly don't know if that would be appropriate. I am sorry that you are going through this with her. She is diminishing women, too, by pushing her views of Sorry on you and your colleagues. I also have Sorry hardwired into my brain. So, I sympathize with you on that front for sure. Perhaps, next time when she does it, exclaim back in the meeting "I understand what your feelings are on this, but I am simply trying to be polite and it has nothing to do with being a woman."

45. AnonymousJanuary 7,2023 at 6:14PM UTC

    I love that this person helps remind people that being sorry all the time is not healthy.

    I have a friend that always says “you’re not sorry, you’re amazing”. It used to grate on me but I appreciate her wanting to help change my mindset.

    Maybe you both need to have a sit down and try to see things from each other’s perspectives and then accept each other as you are and leave the judgement on the table. Just as your habit is to apologize for every little thing - hers is to help people snap out of it and so you are both at a juncture of wanting to force the other out of habits.

46. Kerry HoganJanuary 7,2023 at 6:41PM UTC

    I think the women is being rude to you and you should speak to her. You can both explain your feelings about what has now become a loaded word. That being said I've been in many meetings for women when it's been noted women in general apologize all the time for things that they shouldn't and it does diminish their strength. It's a habit many women have been taught as a way to apologizing for taking control. Men do not do this, not that we should mimic men. They have a habit of interrupting women that we are all aware of. Your solution might be to think about when it's truly important to say you're sorry and when it's not. As for your co-workers verbal assaults you should take care of that also.

47. IntentionGirl299847January 7,2023 at 7:43PM UTC

    State what you just wrote to us. "Stop. You are not my sorry police."

48. ChristineJanuary 7,2023 at 7:46PM UTC

    Perhaps understanding behind why she said what she said and won't stop can help you feel not too annoyed by what she said. I would guess somewhat in her past or her experience, she experienced oppression in her developmental trauma and learned how to cope by proving that women should be strong. And seeing someone saying sorry for a small thing triggers her to 'fight' and 'resist' and feel like she is doing her purpose to remind people about it.

    Often people's responses are not about us but about themselves and how they see the world. And each person learns how to respond to what they things right or wrong through their lifetime conditionings, which is not always loving and compassionate. A lot of our comments about others are actually self-projection. As one said, what you hate most in others is usually what you hate most in yourself. She is projecting her weakness and vulnerability by keep saying what she said.

    So instead of taking her words at face value, you can see her as a person with all conditioning and baggage that she carries. Like you are carrying yours. Coming from compassion and understanding is a better way since you can't control what she will say or not, and it also frees you to be yourself no matter how you feel she is judging you. We all have weaknesses. You can't control what she says, but you can control how you respond to what she says.

49. Mary PoolJanuary 8,2023 at 5:04PM UTC

    I agree with you, except that there needs to be corrective action. The shamer needs to learn to respond in a responsible way, and that will not happen unless people get her to understand how she is reacting now is not acceptable. She writer cannot continue to be publicly humiliated and hope to keep the respect of her team members. All bullies have backstories, but that doesn't mean we must subject ourselves to their bullying behaviors.

50. AnonymousJanuary 7,2023 at 9:23PM UTC

    Your colleague, although possibly well-motivated, has become disrespectful.

    You might want to tell your colleague exactly what you’ve said here: You appreciate the insight, but you do not need this person to police you publicly. These corrections should be made in a private setting.

    You also should point out that supporting women (and others) means establishing a culture of respect and that your colleague’s public rebukes violate the norm of shared respect.

    I’d argue that treating all colleagues with respect, especially in meetings, is more important than publicly policing the occasional “sorry.”

51. S ReynoldsJanuary 8,2023 at 2:44PM UTC

    Couldn't have said it better! How is publicly calling someone out not worse for their "cause".

52. AnonymousJanuary 8,2023 at 4:19PM UTC

    I wholeheartedly agree!

53. AyianJanuary 8,2023 at 4:29PM UTC

    I publicly correct people who refer to grown women as 'girls'. It is necessary for the person using the term to hear it in the moment and helpful if there are bystanders who may hear the content of my message without themselves having to have voiced the issue. Infantilization of women is a societal problem that we can impact by changing the way we talk to ourselves and one another.

    However, in the middle of a meeting isn't the right time and harping on someone you've already discussed the issue with isn't appropriate in a work setting either.

    OP, the societal diminishment of feminine persons is supported by many things, including the way people have been taught to speak - such as apologizing profusely to smooth over (mostly) societally-induced hyperaggression in men. In a work setting, excessive apologies diminishes your perceived competence, so intentionally reducing how often you use it could be helpful. While I agree with what your coworker is trying to accomplish, but not the how. As you say you've already told them that you don't appreciate being interrupted, it may be time to be more direct in informing them that whether they mean to or not, they are being disrespectful towards you and need to stop. The discussion may warrant a 'time and place' reminder - that in a meeting is neither of those. You may even wish to inform them of your family's culture regarding the word 'sorry' to help them see that there are other relationships one might have with a word than the one they assume is taking place. Or you may advise them that different generations speak differently based on the psychological impact of the sociopolitical and socioeconomic circumstances of their time and that it is not a realistic expectation for every older person they meet to take their adjustment to heart. Or all of those conversations. Or neither. Really, it's up to you how you want to respond to this, but these are all avenues I would consider based on the behavior you've shared.

    Best wishes!

54. AnonymousJanuary 13,2023 at 2:00AM UTC

    This! I would also tell her that by interrupting you, she is being disrespectful and lowering your authority.

55. Rosa GoesJanuary 7,2023 at 10:43PM UTC

    It is annoying partly because they are right, but you don't want people to keep reminding you. Next time it happens you can say something like "I heard you the first time [name], I'm working on it, but I'd like to move on with the meeting". If you say it with a smile or business tone, even better. Good luck to you!

56. AnonymousJanuary 8,2023 at 3:09PM UTC

    I am over 45 and had a difficult time with transitioning out of saying 'sorry' when I would do something "stupid". I put that in quotes for a reason. Everyone makes simple mistakes, it happens, but apologizing after every simple mistake isn't necessary. Some people are obviously sensitive to this as you have learned, probably because they have heard the same things you have about apologizing all the time and perhaps have made an effort to stop apologizing and feel you should also. Of course they can't control you and what you say, and that is probably the bigger issue, but they are obviously sensitive to it.

    Since I have mostly corrected myself of this bad habit, and am also guilty of reminding some co-workers (similar age) of the same issue, this post has opened my eyes a bit from the other side. I will suggest that saying it a bit less will likely benefit both of you. It's a simple think before you speak situational awareness kind of thing. Good luck in addressing it, anytime you are working on changing something about yourself, it can be challenging!

57. surfnwriteJanuary 8,2023 at 3:36PM UTC

    This person thinks they are empowering you but they're just being annoying. Find a tactful way to tell them that and then just let it go.

58. Teena DJanuary 8,2023 at 4:07PM UTC

    Maybe pull this person aside and talk privately.

59. ellenpomerantzJanuary 8,2023 at 6:33PM UTC

    In this case the word sorry is used as a Harmless Error Apology. one in which the apologizer believes their behavior was wrong but does not believe or acknowledge that it hurt the other person.

60. Michael WilsonJanuary 8,2023 at 7:33PM UTC

    You just need not to worry about other, only yourself. Be You:)

61. Smile to LifeJanuary 8,2023 at 10:22PM UTC

    Maybe start change "sorry" to another word. I agree that we should not change ourselves for no one. It does feel uncomfortable for other person who hears "sorry". Let me example!

    My close friend says, "SORRY" all the time even if there nothing to be sorry for. She even mentions it after certain sentences the she comments on something. This word "sorry" started to become a word in my speech!

    This is how much my friend said it that much!

    I really believe making changes in our speech for the sack of others can be beneficial to us. In other words, changing the word "sorry" can be challenging to achieve another word or phrase. To really overcome something repeating!

    Nevertheless, if you can not make change to word then just pray for the other person. Sometimes people have understand our behavior as something unique! At the end this sorry has been a part of your life for a long time.

    I do appreciate the fact that you shared this story for me. I thought my friend was the only person that says "sorry" frequently. I did not know it was a culture saying.

    I appreciate you!

62. Smile to LifeJanuary 8,2023 at 10:26PM UTC

    Maybe explain to this person that it something culture saying to say sorry. Is like saying "Have a good one!" That means "have a good day"! Maybe that would have that person know why you say sorry.

    I came to understand that from this story, how sorry word is common! Thanks ?

63. AnonymousJanuary 8,2023 at 10:57PM UTC

    Next time she does it, just stop, pause, and ask her in a whispered tone, “who hurt you?” LOL

64. AnonymousJanuary 9,2023 at 2:35PM UTC

    You are by no means the one being 'sensitive' here. There is nothing wrong with your saying 'sorry' when you feel it is warranted. Just because she doesn't like it does not mean you have to change.

65. Laura StuartJanuary 9,2023 at 2:53PM UTC

    A long time ago a colleague told me, to say "Thank You" and move on. I thought ok, that is not what I wanted to say at all! However I tried it, the next time a person, did something similar to this co-worker of yours, I said thank you, it completely shut them down, they were speechless. I think this co-worker is so used to getting a defensive response, by no means please do not think I am saying you are being defensive, but that is what I think this person expects, so if you say Thank You, it may completely throw them for a loop and shut down the situation. It's worth a shot anyway. Don't say anything else, kindly say Thank You, not snarky, but in a nice way. Let's see what happens. Good Luck! Let me know if it works.

66. Grace SkaggsJanuary 9,2023 at 9:45PM UTC

    I have also tried to implement thank you instead of sorry, like "Thank you for your patience while I get to the right button here!" I am from the upper Midwest and the "sorry" is a kneejerk reaction that can be hard to break! I find it easiest to phase it out in emails, and then it starts to get into my head for verbal situations as well.

67. Laura StuartJanuary 10,2023 at 2:42PM UTC

    What I meant is, if and when the word "sorry" comes out, because in a stressful situation our barbaric brain takes over. We are not gathering responses from the ID which is more refined. When that dreaded word sorry is uttered (Note of sarcasm here, lol) and we get the typical response, like from this co-worker, then, calmy looked them in the face, with no emotion, no expression and say "thank you". Thank you for pointing that out. Or better yet, just Thank You, and walk away. Do your best to not have sarcasm in your voice. Attempt to sound sincere. Typical this completely shuts the other person down immediately. I thought it was nuts at one point, but I tried it and it worked. Now it is my go to. Kill them with kindness they will never see it coming. Doing the opposite of expectations is usually the best course of action in any given situation.

68. AnonymousJanuary 10,2023 at 2:20AM UTC

    I would challenge you to reflect on your sensitivity. The person has awareness for a gender bias that operates in the workplace. She is making herself part of the solution by educating others and encouraging them to unlearn a behavior that while on surface appears like a personal choice is societally imposed. She is not sorry shaming you. As a matter of perspective the behavior you display in saying sorry makes it harder for the next female leader coming under your leadership and the generation of women after you. It's interesting that you are hyper-focused on her "interrupting you". It is really interrupting you or disrespectful for her to respond to your own reaction to a mistake you are making in real time? In reality you interrupted yourself by acknowledging a minor issue out loud. That's the whole point of her raising it to you. You could have made the mistake, never apologized and just moved on presenting. She may be immature in choosing to address in front of a group, but at least she has good intentions. Now impact matters-so perhaps next time thank her for practicing cultivating an inclusive workplace culture for woman and reinforce why you are choosing to apologize in that moment (this will help her appreciate that you are actually consciously making a choice). She may learn to respect you when you apologize. You readily admit is not the best habit, why not embrace a coworker helping you form a new better habit.

69. AnonymousJanuary 10,2023 at 4:05AM UTC

    Saying sorry all the time even for the most pointless errors diminishes the value of the word specially when the time comes when you need to say sorry for something that really matters. It's like 'crying wolf'. I would wonder if and when you are really sorry.

70. AnonymousJanuary 10,2023 at 8:41PM UTC

    I think some of these comments miss the point completely. She was rude to you in front of a group. You might try saying "excuse me, I hit the wrong button" next time. Would that offend this person? I would privately tell her that you find her public "corrections" offensive and that you would appreciate an apology for her rude behavior which did not help or instruct in any way. It just made her the center of attention. It's up to the individual to consider when simple courtesy comes into a situation. Sometimes, you need to say "sorry". It's not a crime against females to be polite and it should be up to you to decide when "sorry" is appropriate or necessary. If she needs to go around correcting people, she may be in the wrong line of work. Teaching, perhaps?

71. AnonymousJanuary 11,2023 at 4:10PM UTC

    It sounds like this woman is virtue signaling with and around you. She may have the best of intentions, but her actions are actually hurtful to you, and it doesn’t sound like she realizes it. My suggestion is to ask her for a short one on one meeting, even if it’s a virtual one. Reach out first saying something like, “as a woman I am having an issue with communicating in the office, and I would appreciate your help.” Then, when you speak with her, let her know that there’s someone in the office who constantly questions the way you present your authentic self. Let her know that this person repeatedly interrupts you in meetings in a bullying way that has a tendency to shut you down, by ridiculing the way you speak instead of focusing on your actual message. Then let her know that person is her. As it happens, I also agree that saying “sorry” too often is a particularly female thing that I would like to see less of. But what she is doing is even more harmful, because it is calling you out in front of your peers and implying that something about you is wrong or broken when it’s not. Draw a line in the sand and make sure she understands that just because you say “sorry” doesn’t mean you are not strong.

72. AnonymousJanuary 13,2023 at 2:25AM UTC

    I understand and had an older female boss that brought that to my attention when I first started working with her. We worked in a male dominated industry and she did not want my authority diminished or to be seen as weaker. There are other things as well, like adding "just" to a sentence. Men hardly ever have that in their vocabularies, but women use it all the time. Also phrases like, “if you have time,” “or if you have a chance,” take away some of your power, credibility, and respect. With that being said, interrupting is rude and uncalled for. My former boss often did that and it drove all of us crazy. She was approached about it and would apologize for it, and she knew it was an issue- but just like saying sorry, she had challenges with not interrupting.

73. Kerry HoganJanuary 13,2023 at 7:08PM UTC

    Thank you for pointing out the other habits women need to watch - they do indeed diminish our strength and worth. We have to overcome some of these habits taught to us by family and the culture. It's not easy but well worth it. It's still possible to be polite and professional.

74. Quasheba BeyTMJanuary 16,2023 at 12:28PM UTC

    I apologize often including plants, insects and objects so I hear you. I felt shamed in the past on my communication style. Over the years I have learned to accept my soft spoken tone while speaking up when needed. I was shamed my a former female coworker who did not feel heard by someone else who I had a great rapport with. Thank you for bringing this up Many people project onto others even when intentions may be good.

75. mcasterlloydJanuary 31,2023 at 11:10PM UTC

    I think using the word sorry is just a cultural phrase for some people and I can understand why you feel your colleague is making an odd production about your use of the word. That would bother me also.

    However, take some feedback for improvement from their unrequested response. Maybe you say sorry more often than you realize? Try replacing the word with something else. Instead of sorry, maybe use "thanks for your patience, while I work out the zoom controls."