A coworker on my team of 12 got married recently. I knew when the wedding was taking place. I considered the coworker to be a work friend with whom I ate lunch often and occasionally get together with outside of work. When I didn't get an invitation to the wedding I didn't think twice as the coworker had said they had a lot of relatives to invite, were trying to keep the wedding small. etc. Also, its common for work friends to not make the cut. I understood all of this and didn't feel slighted at all. However, the Monday after the wedding, another coworker said "We missed you at so and so's wedding," I said "I wasn't invited." I then learned that all of the other members of my team were invited to the wedding and I was the only one who wasn't. My coworker who got married lied and told the others that I had a prior commitment wasn't able to attend. Now, my coworker who got married is mad at me and accused me of being petty for telling the others that I wasn't invited. Some of my other coworkers have said things to me like "it was rude of so and so not to invite you." and "Its not right that they didn't invite you" to which I just shrug my shoulders or say "Oh well" because even though I was a little hurt when I found this out, I didn't want this to turn into a bigger deal. Our team is divided over this and there are some hard feelings from those who think I was wronged. HR has even gotten involved after someone on the team reported that there was tension on our team and questioned me. I never meant for this to escalate but I was not going to lie for my coworker. The coworker who got married and I have always had a good relationship, no falling outs or any reason for them to be angry with me prior to the wedding. Other than space constraints and numbers I can't think of a reason I would have been excluded. However, I it does feel odd that I was the only one not invited. I just wish I knew how to make this nonsense stop so our team can continue to work effectively and work become a peaceful place again.

19 Comments

1. AnonymousAugust 17,2024 at 7:50PM UTC

   You did nothing wrong. You did not lie, you said the truth. Just do not discuss this anymore, it probably will be forgotten in a few days.

2. AnonymousAugust 17,2024 at 7:52PM UTC

   This is worse than junior high. I am sorry the coworker decided to lie to you and about you. I wonder what they feel you did to them.

   I hope your team can overcome this riff; seems you did or didn't do all that you could possibly control.

   I like to keep personal and work as separate as possible. I didn't invite my bosses to my wedding but did invite coworkers who were friends. Twenty years later I am still in touch with those friends, not the bosses.

   Good luck!

3. AnonymousAugust 18,2024 at 12:00AM UTC

   At least you know that the rest of the team has consideration for you. Maybe the one who got married feels insecure about the fact that people like you, regarding his family and own friends circle. Now you know he's strictly in the coworker zone!

4. AnonymousAugust 18,2024 at 1:28AM UTC

   Well well well your coworker/fake friend got busted by your true coworker friends. Chalk it up as a learning experience and keep your convos with her as work related only. She is a conniving slime ball. Had she not invited anyone ok that’s understandable but she excluded you. She showed her true colors. Red flag red flag! Glad you are being the bigger person. She just lost a friend. Tsk tsk on her!

5. Wanda ShawAugust 18,2024 at 2:17AM UTC

   Perhaps, You can take the initiative to restore peace to the team by extending a peace offering in the form of a gift to the newlywed colleague. You couldn’t control or change the fact that you didn’t receive an invite to the wedding, But you can control your response to it and choose to take the high road. Maybe by showing the team and the “newly wed that you’re okay and willing to move beyond it all.then they will too.

6. JB09718August 18,2024 at 3:25AM UTC

   Great comment! Peace offering and be done with it. I wouldn’t feed into what anyone else is saying and would still be cordial to your newlywed coworker (definitely would not be as friendly as before, keep her at a distance!)

   please also keep in mind that this isn’t your fault in any way, she created this problem by intentionally excluding you. The fact she lied to you initially about not being invited and then to the rest of your team about why you weren’t there also shows she knows what she did was wrong.

7. AnonymousAugust 18,2024 at 1:29PM UTC

   This is the best response I've seen on this post. I would also suggest that the OP refuse to discuss the matter at work (unless it is part of the HR action or directly related to it.)

8. Anne M GinsbergAugust 18,2024 at 8:19PM UTC

   Nope. No invite, no gift.

9. AnonymousAugust 18,2024 at 12:29PM UTC

   I’m sorry that you were working through this. I enjoy the friendships that I have developed at work, however I learned a long time ago that Work friends are just that friends at work and never had expectations or disappointment tied to anything that may happen outside of the office space with or without me. Everyone should be adults and should move on .

10. AnonymousAugust 18,2024 at 12:45PM UTC

    Wow, smh. People are unbelievably rude and petty. The fact your coworker lied to you and other coworkers is absolutely beyond. I would not be friends with this coworker, but she is your coworker so keep the conversations work related. Work friends are not the same as personal friends. Sorry this happened.

11. ChrishoggAugust 18,2024 at 1:11PM UTC

    Judging by the length of your post here, all the ins and outs you share, it seems to me (and this is a 100% guess) that you are way too involved in this, and giving it way too much energy,

    My advice?

    This evening, find a quiet place to sit ... sit ... take 3 deep breaths and slowly exhale each time ... say to yourself, "Life happens" ... and then just drop it, just forget it.

    And then, every time it comes up in your mind (and I assume it will) rinse and repeat.

    Or alternatively, you can hold onto this and play with it and run it over and over and over in your mind until it drives you crazy.

12. AnonymousAugust 18,2024 at 1:35PM UTC

    I honestly don't think the original post makes it sound like this person is too wrapped up in it... it came off very direct and not overly emotional. I somewhat disagree with your advice on how to approach it as a result. It's important to acknowledge that a situation is crappy and hurtful even if there is no action to be taken or nothing externally that can be done at the moment or at all. I always joke with my boss when I have an employee do or say something deeply hurtful that I'm going to feel fully crappy about it for 24-48 hours (of course on my own time and not in front of work peers and employees) and then cleanse my system for reboot so I can move on with a clear head. Not giving room to feel fully sad or upset about it for a day or two before moving on sometimes makes it impossible to move on from it bothering you in the future.

13. AnonymousAugust 18,2024 at 1:41PM UTC

    This might be an unpopular approach because I'm incredibly confrontational, but I would go right up to the person that didn't invite me and just ask, without emotion or malice, why they didn't invite me. I would strongly encourage them to give me their honest answer because the damage is already done so what's the point in holding back. This shouldn't be done in the workplace - try to meet this person outside as they're leaving or invite them out to talk in neutral territory. That would be closure for me so I can move on and forget about them altogether. This person will continue to be punished for this situation by the guilt in their heart, but you don't deserve to be punished by it living rent free in your head, so find whatever closure you personally need to move forward and let the chips fall around you as they may.

14. AnonymousAugust 18,2024 at 2:42PM UTC

    She must have wanted the drama, or she would have invited you. Petty for her to put the blame on you for saying the truth in not being invited. What did she want you to do, lie? If you are not the one making a big deal over this, then let the drama roll...

15. Rhonda RoyalAugust 18,2024 at 3:46PM UTC

    Good day. It’s great that you and this co-worker get along so well, even outside of work. Please know that she doesn’t have to invite you to her home, church, or anywhere else if she doesn’t want to. One would probably feel ‘slighted’ or even ‘cast aside’ when it’s learned that others from the same group, were invited to the wedding and you weren’t. Stop talking about it and ask your fellow co-workers to do the same and perhaps curtailing ’ your time with ‘said’ worker would be the best solution. HR has come into the picture and (trust me) they don’t take kindly to situations like this; STOP the conflict and continue to work. It’s best!

16. AmandaAugust 18,2024 at 7:14PM UTC

    IV been there, my mother and I owned a salon where we had 25 others working for us. When one of the stylist was getting married she invited everyone but my mother and I. It was hard to understand because we always were there for our crew, mom always had a cake for every birthday, presents for every kids birthday. It was a tough pill to swallow.

17. AnonymousAugust 19,2024 at 3:09AM UTC

    I'm sorry this is happening to you. It sounds like a lesson that coworkers aren't friends (most may be friendly acquaintances). My advice is to find time to breathe and let this go - and shift your relationship to this person. No negativity, but don't over extend your feelings or actions for them. Don't think about why you weren't invited.

    They chose not to invite you (and they can do that). They're feeling guilty because the rest of the team found out the person lied (not you). You do not owe them to lie or absolve them. I personally don't think you need anything more from them (there's some post-wedding bridezilla energy happening here). If HR is still involved, I'd say tell the truth (also, distance yourself from trying to solve this): --Colleagues came back from so-and-so's wedding and asked why you didn't come. You said you weren't invited. The bride approached you angry. You don't want personal activities to impact the work, but don't understand why this is a thing .--- Hopefully, they'll see you as the bigger person and the drama will end soon.

    If this was a good good work friend, you may wish to talk with them---later and outside of work --- but let them have time to reap and learn from their choices. If not a good good friend, be professional and cordial and cut the gossip out at the start (if colleagues keep bringing it up---either be direct and say there's nothing to talk about you'd rather leave it behind or be indirect and say you've got work to do/ change the subject).

    Protect your peace---no one else in your story is doing it.

18. Jennifer FingerAugust 19,2024 at 12:47PM UTC

    There's nothing "petty" about replying truthfully that you weren't invited to your coworker's wedding. She chose not to invite you; any embarrassment she is feeling about that is on her, not you.

    I think the one thing you can do to make the situation better is to rise above it. When anyone on your team or elsewhere in the company brings the situation up, I would just change the subject back to your job and stay professional and focused on your work. Don't engage further on the subject of your coworker's not inviting you and then lying about it.

19. AnonymousAugust 19,2024 at 2:38PM UTC

    Hmm, sadly I can relate to your experience. I don't care how confident or mentally strong a person is, being excluded stings, especially when you thought you were on good terms with the person. I know everyone has an opinion about this, but if you are friendly with a coworker to the point where you eat lunch together and occasionally spend time together outside of work, that is in indication that they enjoyed your company. She was wrong to give you that impression and turns out she was a frenemy. While it was her wedding and her money, IMO, she was short-sighted to not see what the fallout would be of inviting everyone but you. Let's face it, we can all probably name at least one thing that we don't like about our BFF, spouse, parent, child, etc. If it were me, unless you did something egregious, for the sake of maintaining a healthy work relationship, I would've just invited you. She is the one who sounds petty. She is also a coward and likes drama. I am surprised that out of a team of 12, that before the wedding you didn't hear through the grapevine that your teammates were going or got an invitation. Something smells rotten in Denmark. In any event, this is an example of one of life's painful lessons. Again, IMO God is trying to reveal something to you, which may just be that everyone is not who they appear to be on the surface. She did you a favor - she's toxic, and perhaps there's some jealousy. You don't want to be buddies with someone like that. I wish I had some advice to offer on how you can work effectively. I think it is possible, but she has to want the same thing. The only thing I can suggest is to take the high road. If her behavior interferes with you getting your work done, document everything. Sooner or later, she is going to shoot herself in the foot.