In October, I lost my husband after his 3 year battle with cancer.

58 Comments

1. rgstaffing@bellsouth.netApril 18,2023 at 2:34PM UTC

   You tell them the truth. If you can financially afford to, take a year off. Join a support group, etc. This will not affect your future employment.

2. Heather BinghamApril 18,2023 at 3:51PM UTC

   I'm going to be uncharacteristically strong and personal in my response :)

   I have two gaps in my professional CV. Both were because I resigned due to experiencing nervous breakdowns. The first was when I was still trying to learn to function with bipolar, and the second was because someone decided to try to bully me and it unfortunately led to a crisis of confidence. During those gaps I took two highly contrasting, interesting low-paid jobs. I honestly carry them like a badge of honour.

   If any employer doesn't want to employ someone who self-regulates during periods of distress, and chooses to prioritise their wellbeing over their career, then I don't want to give them my commitment. You can take up the same position, especially in this more enlightened age!

3. Teresa HoslerApril 19,2023 at 7:03PM UTC

   This is so true, thank you.

4. rgstaffing@bellsouth.netApril 18,2023 at 6:48PM UTC

   trust me, no one is going to respond negatively. she works in healthcare for crying out loud. This will not impact any future employment opportunities.

5. Joan Williams, Senior Talent Acquisition SpecialistApril 18,2023 at 11:08PM UTC

   IF they ask, which they may not, just say "Unfortunately, my husband passed away and I was in a position to be able to take some time off. I'm ready to get back at it."

   End of.

   Very sorry to hear about the loss of your husband.

6. Teresa HoslerApril 19,2023 at 7:02PM UTC

   Thank you, I appreciate your response.

7. AnonymousApril 19,2023 at 3:48PM UTC

   So sorry for your loss.
   I think you did the right thing to resign and take the time you need.

   I'm frustrated that employers talk a good game about mental health in the workplace and WLB, but here you were not even given a 48 hours window to cope with the loss of your life partner!

   I think you should say you took time off to grieve a deep personal loss and leave it at that. We women are left to fend for ourselves being breadwinners and caregivers and this is not a small-scale issue or a seniority-related issue. Leadership needs to understand that investing in people doesn't just mean throwing money at a problem. You were a manager in what seems like a busy role. Who got the job done when you left? How much time and money have they had to invest in finding you a replacement? Odds are it's significantly more than what it would have been to accomodate your need for space to heal. It's their own fault that they don't have policies and contingency plans. All the best to you in your future endeavors.

8. Teresa HoslerApril 19,2023 at 7:02PM UTC

   Thank you so much, I appreciate the feedback

9. AnonymousApril 20,2023 at 11:26AM UTC

   Super sorry for your loss. "I took some time off to really mourn the loss of my husband as I first thought I needed to be there for a new employee as this passing was coming off of a fiercely fought 3 year cancer battle for my husband. After some time I allowed myself to put myself first and give myself time"

10. Joycelyn M. SiameApril 20,2023 at 12:23PM UTC

    I am extremely sorry for your loss. Literally explain it just as you have in this post. It is a COMPLETELY understandable reason to resign from a position. I wish you all the best and much healing.

11. Carolina Perez SanzApril 20,2023 at 12:24PM UTC

    Like that, like you explained it here. You’re brave. I am sorry for your loss. What you’ve been through is extremely hard and no one would think you didn’t have all the reason to quit. Keep going. You’re resilient.

12. AnonymousApril 20,2023 at 12:32PM UTC

    So sorry for your loss. I promise any good employer will appreciate your honesty and why you had time out. Good luck

13. AnonymousApril 20,2023 at 12:42PM UTC

    I am so very sorry for your loss. I lost my husband last July. I cannot fathom doing what you had to do. I was blessed to work for an employer that told me to take all the time I needed. Others graciously covered for me for almost a month (I started back part time). I realize that is harder to do for some positions/companies than others, but it has to happen. In the end you had to leave a job you loved and they lost a loyal employee, when they could have retained you with a proper leave. It just makes me so sad that you had/have to deal with this on top of everything else. As for future employers, just tell the truth. Any employer that wouldn't understand is an employer that you would not want to work for!!!!!

14. AnonymousApril 20,2023 at 12:46PM UTC

    You buried your husband after an exhausting 3 years of his suffering. No need to go into details. People understand the dynamics of caring for a long term sick relative.

15. AnonymousApril 20,2023 at 12:49PM UTC

    My employer laid me off while I was on FMLA when my husband had terminal cancer. My husband passed 11 days after. I couldn't even function to look for another job for 2 months. I'm now in in my 50s and in a really tough job market. I have my age and my length of time since I was last employed against me.

16. AnonymousApril 20,2023 at 1:42PM UTC

    I am sorry to hear about your layoff, and the timing could not be worse. I encourage you to look into a position with something like the clerks office for your county, perhaps in record keeping. While it isn’t glamorous, and the pay will be a little rough to start with, however, the benefits as well as ability to move around and up are plentiful. It will take several months to get through the hiring process.. and while you may feel as though this is futile, it is worth looking into. I Am 51 and returned to the workforce after a bout with cancer. Found my ‘village’ is young, vibrant folks who are eager to help you to learn, or relearn… it was completely outside my norm (coming from an artistic background and having a BA degree in behavioral science).

    The truth is, positivity will be your best friend in this search for a new adventure. You will find your ‘people’ it the most unlikely place. Mine is dealing with criminals. And bonus: 33 paid holidays while never having hours outside of 9 to 5. Yes, I love it. So take a look!

    Wishing you the best!

17. Sabrina CortesApril 20,2023 at 1:42PM UTC

    I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my Mom to cancer too. Losing a loved one is never easy and some days the grief still hits me really hard and I get hit like a tidal wave, other days, it's easier to cope. Sending you heartfelt condolences.

    You mentioned you're looking for a new job. I'm a professional Resume Writer and would love to offer you a free resume review - no strings attached, so please don't feel obligated. If you're interested or if you have any questions, feel free to message me here or email me at sabrina@writewithsabrina.com.

    In the meantime, here are some resume tips:
    ~~ Resumes cover the last 10-15 years of employment and the reasonable employment gap on a resume is up to a year. Potential employers ask you about it during an interview if it's been longer than that.
    ~~ Since it sounds like you've been out of the workforce for a while, focus on your Transferable skills. Some of these skills include teamwork, leadership, communication, adaptability, critical thinking, and problem-solving strategies.
    ~~ Your resume is a professional marketing tool that has your unique work history and career achievements. Craft your bullet points to be solutions-oriented but don't make them longer than 2 lines.

    I hope this helps; best of luck to you!

18. IloneApril 20,2023 at 12:50PM UTC

    I went through a life changing event alike yours and tbh I just told them the truth, employers will respect your honesty, I don’t see how it would negatively affect you getting a position in the future

19. AnonymousApril 20,2023 at 12:50PM UTC

    Exactly as you have explained it to us. You are being honest. You aren't blaming your employer as you state you 'love your job and bosses' and what you did by returning to work so quickly was voluntary and in the best interest of your employer, which is music to any employer's ears. I do wonder why you didnt ask for a 'mental vacation' instead of quitting a job you loved. Beside the point i guess but, as the saying goes, honestly is the best policy.

20. Jen FrischenApril 20,2023 at 1:47PM UTC

    I suspect the employer knew the reason for the resignation. I am sure there are other factors that she didn't post here that played into that decision to resign. I had a similar situation several years ago and was offered a chance to take a "leave" to process my circumstances. After some consideration, it was clear to me that resigning would be a better option for me.

21. AnonymousApril 20,2023 at 12:51PM UTC

    Why are blaming employers?

22. Paula BrantnerApril 20,2023 at 1:04PM UTC

    A good employer would not have placed that burden on her knowing her husband was so close to death. As someone I know always says: work doesn't love you back. The last thing she needed was to come back the day after his death to train a new part time employee. I don't care if she loved them and they were great otherwise, the employer dropped the ball here.

23. Jen FrischenApril 20,2023 at 2:16PM UTC

    In all fairness, she never said that anyone demanded she return the next day to train the new employee. The NP could not have know that the woman's husband was going to die while they took vacation (yes, it was a possibility given the terminal illness but we never know how long someone will survive). We don't know where the NP went on vacation and whether that person could have returned.

    We don't know why she chose to resign. I mean, I understand that most people don't resign from a job they love. However, maybe taking a "mental vacation" was not really an option.

    I have returned to work in two situations much earlier than I should have because "I" placed my own rigid expectations and had my own internal sense of "guilt." My employers placed no burden on me to return. Yes, they were stretched thin without my being there but they did not demand my return.

    We live in a world where everyone expects everyone to be present and available 24/7. With technology, it is even worse.

    A vacation or a leave of absence used to be just that. Now, with texting, "cloud based computing" and other "conveniences"- even when we are gone away- we are always in reach. Maybe she knew that even if she did take a "break" she would feel beholden to answer questions or be available from time to time. Maybe resigning helped her to cut the cord and to know she would have no other responsibilities than to heal.

24. Paula BrantnerApril 20,2023 at 6:16PM UTC

    She's been replying to this thread, so we can see her perspective should she choose to respond. But I think there always needs to be redundancies, particularly with someone new joining the staff while OP's husband was so ill and the NP was on vacation. Maybe have the new employee start later at a time when everyone is likely to be available, or postpone the vacation until the new person is trained and can handle what they need to by themselves.

    The employer may not have known when OP's husband would pass, but they should have known, given his terminal illness, that there would soon be a need to shift responsibilities to accommodate her situation.

25. Lori Laurito BetzApril 20,2023 at 11:20PM UTC

    Aside from her husband being terminally ill, it’s still rather irresponsible of a manager to hire a new person and not make sure they won’t be alone while they’re that new. What if the other staff got sick, or into a car accident, or who knows what? Even without the circumstance of her husband being ill, the staffing should have been better.

26. Crystal HowellApril 20,2023 at 12:56PM UTC

    I left my last position to take a career break. In talking points, you can explain if you feel comfortable. Take the time to heal, did they have a medical leave of absence plan, just curious. Sorry for your loss.

27. Jeri TuckApril 20,2023 at 1:08PM UTC

    So sorry for the loss of your husband. I'm sorry you were not extended more care in your last position. I do not have additional advice; just stopping by to send sincere condolences. I like Alexandra Jacqueline Annala's response for potential employers. Take care.

28. Stephanie CayneApril 20,2023 at 1:24PM UTC

    I’m so sorry for your loss and hope you have taken some time for yourself since then. Being honest in that you needed some time but instead returned to work to support your staff - this shows dedication and commitment. These are commendable qualities and speak to your work ethic. Yet, there is more to you than just work ethic. Good luck to you! Be confident and show them what you’ve got.

29. Jen FrischenApril 20,2023 at 1:42PM UTC

    Stephanie, what a great way to explain it. The fact she did return to work to support the staff does show remarkable dedication and commitment.

    I do not feel like the original poster "quit" either. She needed some time to process this traumatic event in her life and she needed to take some time for herself. I think the fact that she knew she needed to take time to process also shows good judgment. It may be a situation that she can share with a patient or co-worker in the future to help them feel better if they need to take a break to regroup.

    I know that "work life" and "home life" SHOULD (ha ha) be separate. We are all human and our LIVES are not always so neatly put into little boxes.

    I think if the original poster just explains the situation, anyone would have understanding. As others said, if they don't understand- it's not the place for her.

30. Sabrina CortesApril 20,2023 at 1:26PM UTC

    I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my Mom to cancer too. Losing a loved one is never easy. I'd do like many have already said, just tell them as you did here. If they don't understand then that's not the company for you. Sending you heartfelt condolences.

31. Tahirah WineglassApril 20,2023 at 1:30PM UTC

    Condolences on your loss. I would use generic terms in saying that I took a sabbatical or time off for personal reasons

32. AnonymousApril 20,2023 at 3:42PM UTC

    I like this. What if they press for more information?

33. Tahirah WineglassApril 20,2023 at 10:34PM UTC

    You are under no obligation to go into detail- personal means just that. Not that you have anything to hide but your true reasons for leaving ur last position is no one’s business but yours. Remember companies are not family & are out for self. You have no obligations to them & they to you.

34. Sandy NagelApril 20,2023 at 1:31PM UTC

    So sorry for your loss. Just explain what happened. If they don't understand then that Is not the place for you to work at.

35. AnonymousApril 20,2023 at 1:38PM UTC

    My son, my only child, passed suddenly after a brief illness this past February. His father and my parents and brothers had died in previous years so I am now alone without family around.

    I say this only to commend my employer. While my son was in the hospital, they told me not to worry about my position or even paying bills. They would cover it all and it would not be a loan. I was to focus on my boy.

    They have repeatedly reminded me to take time to heal and no time table for getting back to work and that I would be paid and they would assist me in any way needed.

    My last employer would not have been as understanding. I was at my desk hours after my mother’s funeral because of short staffing.

    I am back to work and the environment is wonderful and each day is helping me heal as I do my best yet no one bats an eye if I need to take an hour because the grief has gotten to me.

    There ARE decent companies and coworkers/managers out there. I would not have known this based on my prior years working elsewhere. The manager said they worked on adapting policies during and after COVID and value their staff.

    I agree with Alexandra and you share only what you feel comfortable and necessary sharing. You will know when you land where you should be.

    I am so sorry for your loss and hope life gets softer for you as you navigate forward.

36. Victoria ClearyApril 20,2023 at 1:49PM UTC

    So sorry for your losses. What an understanding, empathetic employer you have. I’m glad you had that stability and support during such a difficult time.

37. Mary JohnsonApril 20,2023 at 1:48PM UTC

    I am so sorry to read about your husband. I lost my mum suddenly in 2011 when at the time I had an unsupportive boss and I chose to quit for my mental health. (Apparently I let my work slide after my mum died and he didn't expect it to happen again....) When I was applying for new roles when I was ready, I just explained that following my mothers death, I took time out to spend time with dad and to support him for a bit. If an employee doesn't understand then would you want to work there? If you feel uncomfortable giving TMI you could say you took some personal time out to spend time on yourself. I'm sure there's plenty of people after COVID etc who have done the same so a decent employer wouldn't/shouldn't push for more information.

    Good luck with the job search and I hope you find something you enjoy!

38. Maria ImuedeApril 20,2023 at 1:49PM UTC

    Your narration is just the perfect response to new employers and if they do not get it then it is not an organization culture you want to grow with. You were a good wife and a great leader and I wish you all the best in your career endeavors. So sorry about the loss of your husband, Bless his soul

39. Dcre1977April 20,2023 at 2:23PM UTC

    I would simply say you needed to take time to attend to family matters after the death of you husband. I honestly haven't have anyone ask me why I left a previous post in a long time.

40. AnonymousApril 20,2023 at 2:47PM UTC

    I am so deeply sorry for your loss and hope that the time you have taken has been a big help to you. I think what you have written explains it well. Any potential employer should understand the need to some take time after such a huge loss in your life. I wish you the best on your job search and hope that each passing day brings a little more healing your way...

41. Mary MeffeApril 20,2023 at 3:27PM UTC

    Do not make any major decisions for the first year after his passing. I would recommend you just take a leave of absence and go to grief counselling. After becoming a widow, I remember feeling like I was walking around in a fog. But my grief counsellor told me to remember that fog lifts. Save major changes until you are in a better mental state. Take as much time as you need to heal, but don't close doors that you may regret in the future.

42. AnonymousApril 20,2023 at 3:39PM UTC

    OP my deepest and sincerest sympathies. I’m in a very similar boat as yourself. I lost my mom end of September 2022. I’ve reached the point where it’s time to break to heal. Thank you for bringing this topic to light. My thoughts and prayers are with you. We will get through this. Hopeful to read the suggestions. ?

43. AnonymousApril 20,2023 at 4:50PM UTC

    Deepest sympathies on your loss. I think you explain it exactly as you did here. Surely your commitment to your employer as well as making sure a new hire did not fail will resonate with the right new employer. When you are ready and you have taken the time to heal, I'm hoping for a great new place for you because you definitely have ethical work standards and deserve something wonderful. Good luck.

44. PaulenApril 20,2023 at 6:25PM UTC

    I would simply explain that my tragedy shouldn't become the same for others. You filled a void in need and shouldn't suffer needlessly because of your integrity. Death happens when it happens and sometimes help arrives when it is needed. That's you!

45. Nina DalisioApril 20,2023 at 6:36PM UTC

    First of all tell them exactly what you just said, I just lost my Dad on a month ago and it's his birthday today! I am getting my hip replaced in two weeks as well,and my employers are letting me take a leave of absence and I work for Outback steak house,They have supportive and kind . So unless they are that kind of employers don't work for them....

46. AnonymousApril 20,2023 at 6:59PM UTC

    First and foremost, my deepest sympathies for the loss of your husband. Take the time you need to grieve and work on healing yourself. The explanation you provided in the chat was more than sufficient and shows the dedication to your employer and coworkers. Good luck on your healing process, give yourself some grace.

47. AnonymousApril 20,2023 at 7:29PM UTC

    So sorry for your loss. In a perfect world, it shouldn't matter why or for how long you took a break from work, but unfortunately there will always be people who don't "get it," asking why you just couldn't take leave (assuming you didn't use it while your husband was still alive and battling cancer). By all means, try to stay on good terms with any co-workers who like you and know you're a good worker.

48. Bridget HarringtonApril 20,2023 at 8:31PM UTC

    First, I'm sorry for your loss. I have had unfortunately a lot of death in my family/circle and know how debilitating that can be. Also unfortunately, employers are slow to embrace the need for mental health care. They look on it as a personal weakness. Since most of the burden in dealing with family things falls on women, it's an unfair assessment. It's very, very wrong...but that's how it is. I would tell future employers a "lite" version of the truth. Say something like, "I cared for my husband with cancer and he did not make it. I balanced work through his illness and had to resign to take care of matters with his estate." That takes the emotion out of the equation, and anyone who has ever had to settle an estate understands what an amount of paperwork and "stuff" it entails. And that way, you take the focus off of you potentially "not being able to handle" personal life crisises. As I said, it's unfair that we even have to do this, but being women in business, we sometimes have to strategize to explain things men do not.

49. AnonymousApril 20,2023 at 9:14PM UTC

    I lost my husband to cancer after a 3 year battle. I returned to work, 3 weeks after his funeral. The office manager informed me that my hours would be cut because “Jane Doe” was so helpful while I was out and asked for more hours. I am a medical professional with a doctorate degree. I was in shock— not to mention that I needed the income. I was not in the position mentally to fight back, which in hindsight I should have. Forgive and forget is sometimes difficult. I love my job and didn’t have the emotional strength to look for another position. Sweet memories. Best of luck on your new journey.

50. AnonymousApril 22,2023 at 6:26PM UTC

    I know it's tough but you need to look for another job and when you do give your boss two weeks notice. If he says anything negative (and he shouldn't) you can say "I'm sure "Jane Doe" will be able to handle anything I'm unable to finish by my last day." Don't kick yourself for not fighting back, bosses like that don't see it as punishing women for having a personal and/or family life. Good luck and don't let jerks like this boss get you (further) down!

51. IntentionGirl299847April 20,2023 at 9:45PM UTC

    Due to the effects of complicated grief, you took time off to properly mourn and heal from the death of your husband. You are ready now to get back into life.

52. Nicola BanksApril 20,2023 at 11:00PM UTC

    To be honest, I'm not sure that you do!

    Taking time to focus on yourself after a devastating loss should be enough of an explanation.

53. KellyW43April 21,2023 at 3:44AM UTC

    The truth. What happened is no fault of your own. I'm so sorry for your loss.

54. Erica MitchellApril 21,2023 at 8:07AM UTC

    You tell them the real reason. That's something everyone understands.

55. Melissa NobileApril 21,2023 at 12:42PM UTC

    Tell them the truth. The whole thing.

56. Leader904991April 21,2023 at 5:08PM UTC

    I am so deeply sorry for your loss. In describing this departure to future employers, I would explain that you lost your husband after a protracted battle against cancer, and you found you wanted to transition to a situation that would allow you to explore new areas within your field while healing from the loss.
    Again, I am terribly sorry you went through such a painful experience, and I wish you the best in finding a less toxic situation in which to work and grow.

57. Leader904991April 21,2023 at 5:08PM UTC

    I am sorry for your loss.

58. AnonymousApril 22,2023 at 10:17PM UTC

    I'd tell them the truth and follow up what you did about it. It's important to let them know that you took care of yourself and that you are ready to go back to work.