I’m a new people manager and I tend to try to please others and be accommodating.

11 Comments

1. Barb HansenApril 23,2023 at 3:35AM UTC

   My personality tends to lean towards being nice and accommodating. I can't say that I try to please others but I do try to act in a way that people are mostly pleased after interacting with me.

   I'm also a pretty good leader of people. I didn't need to become someone else to be a good manager, but I did need to learn how to be a leader of people.

   So, my advice to you is start learning how to be a good people manager. Listen to podcast, take classes (linkedIN, Udemy), find a management mentor. If your company offers management classes, take them all.

   Until you learn some management skills, you can pretend you're a great manager by doing just that - pretending your the manager that you would want to have as a manager. If you have had a great manager in the past, think back to how they handled a certain situation and if you find yourself in a situation that's completely new, ask yourself what would that past manager have done.

   Here is a tip that I got from a great manager in my past, "when you are faced with a difficult situation and you're getting frustrated, go to lunch and if it's not lunch time, go to Nordstrom for an hour." She liked going to Nordstroms to relax, I do not, but her advice was still good - "taking some time to center yourself so you can think clearly will make you a better leader of people."

2. AnonymousApril 23,2023 at 1:59PM UTC

   Thank you so much for taking the time to share your valuable insight!! I will definitely keep these things in mind and explore all of the resources you mentioned. Would you mind indulging another question? My company is still very young and I am starting a new department in my area of expertise. There is so much that still needs to be figured out. I don’t have a problem with admitting I don’t have all of the logistical answers to my direct reports but I don’t want them to lose confidence in me either. How would you handle a scenario like that?

3. Barb HansenApril 24,2023 at 3:36AM UTC

   I have spent most of my management career in startup land, mostly in baby startups (like 4 people in a garage startups that grew into 100s of employees), so I think I've been in a situation similar to yours :)

   So here is how I have handled the "I don't really have all of the answers" part of management:

   Firstly - no manager has all of the answers. Some managers appear to have "all of the answers" because we have occupational experience and we sit at different tables than their direct reports which gives us access to more information.

   It's okay that you don't have all of the answers :)

   And speaking of occupational experience, that is valuable and that experience will give you more answers than you might think, so trust your intuition and your gut, but don't make up answers. An honest "I don't know" is 1000% better than a made up answer, and speaking of "I don't know" answers ...

   You should say "I don't know" when faced with a situation that you don't know how to handle. You can say:

   -- "I don't know the answer to ABC question/situation, but give me a few hours and I'll see what I can find out" if the answer requires input from hirer ups.

   or an even better answer (depending on the situation)

   --"I don't know the answer to ABC question/situation, do you have any ideas how we can handle this"

   or

   --"I don't know the answer to ABC question/situation, let's pull the team together and we can brainstorm a solution"

   Also, if your company is very young, many processes may not be figured out and when you are faced with one of those situations, I would be honest.

   "We don't have a procedure for that one yet, so let's figure out a process that's going to work for now and we'll refine it as we go. Can you take the lead on writing up the process that the team comes up with and then keep your eyes out for any improvements you or the team notices? I'll set aside time for you at the team meetings if you have anything you want to talk about regarding Process ABC."

   You can adjust that sentence accordingly :)

4. AnonymousApril 25,2023 at 3:05AM UTC

   Barb, thank you again! These scenarios will be extremely helpful!!

5. Carolina Perez SanzApril 24,2023 at 12:41PM UTC

   Congratulations!! Learn Non-Violent Communication (at NVC academy you can find good resources) and work on setting healthy boundaries. I’d hire a coach. Good luck!!!

6. AnonymousApril 25,2023 at 2:57AM UTC

   Thank you Carolina! I will look into the NVC academy.

7. AnonymousApril 24,2023 at 1:01PM UTC

   You have the policies of the company to be responsible to. If you can accommodate, then do, but if it's more like you aren't fair to all then you need to stop and recognize that. Being a leader isn't being a buddy, nor a torrential mess, it's a collaboration with a buy in on a common goal for success. Earning respect and being able to have straight talk as a leader will serve you well when things aren't going as great, as life ebbs and flows. I would hope you were prepared to lead people already, in some respects, and just adding in the duties that come along with it. good luck.

8. AnonymousApril 25,2023 at 2:58AM UTC

   You are right! Thank you for sharing this valuable insight!

9. Mary PoolApril 24,2023 at 1:19PM UTC

   Besides non-violent communication strategies (check out your bookstore for great books on this topic), I'd also recommend the Boundary books by Cloud and Townsend.

10. AnonymousApril 25,2023 at 3:02AM UTC

    I am the original poster and wanted to make sure I didn’t cause any confusion by the way I phrased my original question.

    I was trying to convey that I tend to be very accommodating and I know I need to “temper” (or pull it back a bit) my tendency in order to be an effective manager. There is no violence or negativity intended as part of my question.

11. AnonymousApril 25,2023 at 5:29PM UTC

    Set boundaries, set expectations, set timelines for your team to get their work done. Make the 1-1's be about what they want and need and intersperse that with what you need to deliver. Sit with them, learn who they are and find out what their motivators are. The best managers support their teams and let their employees shine while giving them the freedom to make mistakes and be challenged. Hold you ground when things go awry and give positive and negative feedback when and where necessary with the latter only behind closed doors. When you book meetings have an agenda and ask your reports to bring their action items to the table before you meet. You will never be blindsided that way.