How would you handle this?

Anonymous

December 16,2022 at 5:33PM UTC

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How would you handle this?

I have a colleague who started as a great partner (we are both at the same leadership level and report to the same boss). We had a misunderstanding and instead of working it out with me (as leaders should do), He went running to our boss to tell half truths and paint me in a bad light. The boss was totally cool with me and didn't make anything of it. Since then, he is combative, openly verbally aggressive to me in meetings in front of direct reports.

If the boss knew, she would not tolerate it. I want to discuss this with him and talk about getting our working partnership back on track. I fear it will make it worse, but I have to try before I talk to the boss about it. How have you handled these types of conversations/situations? Thank you!

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Rebecca AliDecember 16,2022 at 6:29PM UTC
Do you work with a coach? If you do, talk with them about how you could approach this situation. If you don't, I would say talk to a trusted friend (outside of work) and have them practice with you on your approach and what you'd like to say. I find, although role play is awkward, that when you verbalize what you think you want to say out loud, you find a way to phrase it in the best way possible before the conversation. Good luck.
AnonymousDecember 16,2022 at 11:22PM UTC
I would first approach this person one on one and ask him to first come to me with any concerns. Tell him you don't appreciate him running to the boss without talking with you and you will not tolerate verbal attacks. Depending on how the conversation goes, then you can discuss with your boss if the person is not reasonable.
Jackie GhedineDecember 17,2022 at 1:48PM UTC
As a coach for professional women, much of the work I do is about communication, difficult conversation and finding resolutions.
In this scenario, I would set up time to talk with your colleague one on one. Consider what you would like the resolution to be for the meeting. It sounds as though the resolution is to have a polite relationship. So then think, how do I get there?
In the conversation, I would start with how you are feeling. Over the past XXX I feel as though there has been some tension between us and I wanted to see if you felt the same way.
Then ask what or how questions (never why).
What do you think we can do to remedy this?
How can we communicate better to show up as a united front?
Hope this helps. Good luck.
Crystal HowellDecember 19,2022 at 2:26PM UTC
You are correct, work out with him first. If he combative in front of direct reports, ask , Are you having a bad day? Are you ok? Usually a leader doesn't act this way.
You keep face with the direct reports. Then bring it up to your boss, she needs to know she doesn't have a leader on her hands. Good Luck
Bradford McCormickDecember 19,2022 at 3:23PM UTC
I agree it would not be an good idea for you to talk at this point about it with yuor boss. That's not playing fair (even though the other person is not being fair, but you must not stoop to his level!). Talk to HIM first. If that does not rresolve it, THEN tell him you are going to have to talk about it with yur boss becaue you all work for the comany and his behavior is impacting the company's business (don't mention how it may be affecting YOU, just the COMPANY, because in he end no person matters, but tthe COMPANY is everything, right? That is the HIGH GROUND. Seize the high ground and stay there.
AnonymousDecember 19,2022 at 3:26PM UTC
This is tricky particularly because the person notes that the disagreeable colleague has already gone to their boss with half-truths maligning their character. That is VERY unsettling and quite frankly, it would make me feel very vulnerable to have a one-to-one conversation with that person knowing that they have a predisposition to not only be combative but to make false claims coming out of the discussion. I actually think this person should speak with their manager about strategies for alleviating the bad behavior. I think the leader needs to step in at this point which can be done a number of ways. They can informally speak to others who have been in the meetings where the person has been combative, or they could have an open and non-accusatory meeting with the offending employee, followed by a three-way conversation designed to rebuild healthier functioning on the team. I think the person has already tried the one-on-one and that has not gone well. So what's next? The next should be something that creates psychological safety for both employees. Good luck!
Mary PoolDecember 19,2022 at 4:18PM UTC
Although I agree a conversation is needed, I would arrange to do it with an impartial witness, someone who will just witness the conversation, not join in. It is amazing the results that can be achieved when there is a non-invested witness there; everyone is on their best behavior. Given his previous behavior, I would not put it past him to distort the conversation and go running to management again unless there is a witness. The other thing I would do is gently point out when he is being aggressive in meetings. Something like, "that seems aggressive; perhaps you can rephrase it in a professional manner." "No need to get personal; this is a professional meeting, after all." You know what will work best for your environment. Bullies bully until they are called out. Sometimes they still bully, but sometimes they check their behavior. One thing that has worked well for me in the past is to rephrase the aggressive comment back to the person. Something like "I hear you saying..." but phrase it very professionally; the contrast should embarrass them.
AnonymousDecember 20,2022 at 12:10AM UTC
It's a weekly 1:1-can't bring a "witness". I do like your phrasing though-thank you!
AnonymousDecember 19,2022 at 5:46PM UTC
Have a short conversation with your boss, emphasize you want to resolve the problem yourself but you want to keep him in the loop.
outline the issues you have observed and how you propose to resolve them
ask if he has any insight or suggestions.
this way your boss will not be caught cold when the person complains
Kristie WhiteDecember 19,2022 at 11:25PM UTC
Lots of good advice from others here. I have also experienced a colleague who undermines my credibility rather than working directly with me. And I have been the one who ran to the boss (in my young and naive days, I wanted Mommy to fix it for me.) So this guy is trying to ensure his version of the story is the first one told so anything you say will look like you are lying. I think the advice I like the best is turning his aggressive attacks in meetings back on him. This accomplishes several things - it shows you aren't afraid to fight back, it exposes his poor collaboration skills and aggressive behavior publicly instead of keeping it hidden from others which gives you witnesses, it makes him think twice about attacking you in public because he exposes himself and he may not come out the winner from the skirmish. People who are bullies are often gaslighting you - making you think you are incompetent, or making others think you are incompetent - so the more sunlight you can focus on this situation the harder it will be for him to accomplish anything with this behavior. He will just end up looking like a sourpuss. Put your big girl pants on, turn the vent back on him and turn the heat up - albeit diplomatically;).