Have any of you worked on a small team and not cared for one of your coworkers?

39 Comments

1. AnonymousOctober 11,2022 at 4:20PM UTC

   I am not sure the problem is you and her. I don't get along with somebody in my team. She has very strong personality and assertive. I envy her for that but I don't have an assertive personality. I am much more experienced than her (21 years vs. 5 years plus I have a PhD), but she doesn't like to be criticized or take advice. What is the result? I avoid her as much as I can though team performance suffers. And I also look for a new job :)

2. AnonymousOctober 11,2022 at 4:56PM UTC

   I'm not following your comment on your boss getting a heads up that you wouldn't get along with the new employee. How on earth could this possibly be measured during the interview process? Was someone making calls based on your personalities?

   If this was the case, listen to the message that is being sent here: your boss doesn't care about these workplace challenges. She wants the two of you to figure this out, like professional adults in the workplace.

   How do you navigate this without being grumpy? Don't act like a petulant child in the workplace. Only engage with this person when absolutely necessary, remain focused on common organizational goals, don't socialize with them outside of the office.

   Tread carefully ono this one, your boss has been crystal clear in their zero tolerance for this petty workplace gripe.

3. AnonymousOctober 11,2022 at 5:17PM UTC

   This individual is an internal hire so I have personal and professional knowledge of this coworker.

4. AnonymousOctober 11,2022 at 6:14PM UTC

   Back to my original comments: your boss doesn't care about this perceived tension and wants the two of you to figure this out like grown professional adults.

5. AnonymousOctober 12,2022 at 12:30PM UTC

   Really good advice!

6. AnonymousOctober 11,2022 at 4:58PM UTC

   I try to establish open communication but also make my boundaries known. I have 1:1 calls and teams chat so the personal connection is there. It's really important, I've found, to establish clear communication and a personal connection. You don't have to be besties but you much make a strong effort to work well together.

   A true test of leadership and management skill is the ability to find common ground. To establish that trust you need that.

7. AnonymousOctober 11,2022 at 5:23PM UTC

   I'm curious what made you tell your boss before this person was even hired? I mean I've worked with many different personalities over the last 30 years and there have bene some on occasion that I just didn't mesh with but I always found a way to make it work. Just keep it professional.

8. AnonymousOctober 11,2022 at 9:12PM UTC

   She is an internal higher and I'm familiar with her and have interacted with her on other occasions.

9. AnonymousOctober 11,2022 at 10:59PM UTC

   Lord! Just keep it professional. The positive side is, that you will learn how to get along with another, different type of personality than yours! It’s a win-win!

10. AnonymousOctober 11,2022 at 11:16PM UTC

    Yes. I worked in a startup group of 5 and there was a younger man on the team who, quite honestly, I disliked. Very rough around the edges, loud, at times, even vulgar. Disparaged customers. Got drunk once at a meeting, turning off potential investors. Was a poor communicator and usually wouldn't respond to my emails. Our CEO would talk to him, but the coworker wouldn't change and the CEO wasn't willing to push him out. I learned to avoid this guy. I learned not to expect anything from him. I tried to be as professional as I could, so my behavior was beyond reproach. Kept things as matter of fact as I could. Working remotely helped. After it was clear the CEO wasn't going to do anything, I stopped bringing up issues and focused on avoidance and just coping and accepting. Wouldn't have taken the job had I known ... Then the company failed. Good luck!

11. Barb HansenOctober 12,2022 at 12:28AM UTC

    I have worked with plenty of people that I don't particularly like. I don't have to like the people I work with, and I guarantee most of those people won't have known that I didn't really like them.

    As co-workers, we have to be professional with each other. Hopefully, being professional means we are nice to each other. We have to work together for the betterment of the team, our projects and the company. After that, liking your team mates is a bonus, not a requirement.

    Of course it's a great bonus when you like the people you work with but realistically, you aren't going to like everyone you work with in your career.

12. AnonymousOctober 12,2022 at 2:08AM UTC

    I can get along with hard workers with different personality’s. But it’s draining when they are lazy and toxic.

13. AnonymousOctober 12,2022 at 12:50PM UTC

    I would add to this that part of what you are being paid for is your professional, "civil and polite" behavior. So if it helps to think of it this way, consider that part of your job -- what you are being paid to do -- is to be professionally polite to these people. You don't have to have them over for dinner. You don't have to stop to help them out of a ditch in a snowstorm. You don't have to warn them that the ladies room is out of TP. You simply have to work with them. You are getting paid to be polite, so be polite.

14. AnonymousOctober 12,2022 at 2:06AM UTC

    I work in a small area and I’m the odd man out. I don’t like any of them. It’s exhausting trying to be nice.

15. AnonymousOctober 12,2022 at 12:29PM UTC

    It's more concerning to me that your boss would knowingly bring someone on who wouldn't "get along" with the team....not impressive leadership. You are not obligated to connect outside of work. Come up with an excuse ... took up new sport, volunteering, whatever.

16. AnonymousOctober 12,2022 at 12:49PM UTC

    Bosses sometimes have blinders on they feel a job don’t have the person interview with other team members and just don’t care it’s like an ostrich burying their head and it’s pretty common not surprised by this at all

17. AnonymousOctober 12,2022 at 12:31PM UTC

    My advice is to interact only as much as absolutely necessary. Be civil and professional. Most people aren’t besties with everyone they work with. And honestly if I were the boss, I would discourage employees from coming to me with every single personality conflict that arises. As adults one would think you can figure it out on your own ?

18. AnonymousOctober 12,2022 at 12:48PM UTC

    The challenge of my life was a former coworker who I no longer worked with but stayed friends with. She stole a job out from under me after I told her where I interviewed when we were having lunch.

    it was so odd because her skill set was so different than mine, at any rate a week into the job she was calling me asking me for help recruiting candidates and asking me for my AIRS handbook that I paid $500 for.

    she knew somebody that worked at this company and lied her way in.

    I was totally baffled shocked and really disgusted.

    turns out she was failing in her role and they needed an additional person and the manager liked me and I had come in second because this person had said she had experience and had recruited individuals before that I hadn’t.

    nonetheless it was a job I really wanted I took a temporary role and in six months I was converted permanently and two months later she was fired she was incompetent didn’t like the job it was never a fit and my manager apologize profusely because a week into this woman’s employment she knew she wasn’t the right choice.

    I had to work with this woman for eight months and it was the challenge of a lifetime and built character by just being professional and keeping my mouth shut.

    I never told anyone until after she left what she had done.

    The moral of the story is keep it professional keep it respectful you don’t need to have lunch with her/him/them, be gracious be appreciative and you have to deal with it if you wanna keep the job.

    things have a way of working them out and I’m living proof of that I was with this company for 13 years earned a great pension and 401(k) it has been the most challenging situation in an office in my life and I overcame it .

19. AnonymousOctober 12,2022 at 1:32PM UTC

    Managers can’t make hiring decisions based on personal opinions of team members. Your managers priority is making sure they hire the best people for the job and the team is getting the job done. If you’ve set boundaries with her and she is aware of that, then ignore her unless it’s work related. Ignore her completely. Deal with her when you have to and only complain if she crosses a line and does something unprofessional or is interfering with your work.

20. AnonymousOctober 13,2022 at 1:18AM UTC

    Spot on comments. The manager is there to guide her team to achieve organizational goals and objectives, not play Judge Judy with a bunch of employees acting like they’re in junior high.

21. AnonymousOctober 12,2022 at 1:33PM UTC

    You only need to remain professional and polite. You don’t have to share your personal life with anyone so vague answers are fine to specific personal questions.

22. AnonymousOctober 12,2022 at 1:52PM UTC

    I try to keep my dealings with certain individuals as minimal as possible.

    Several months ago, I posted about my own challenge dealing with someone who makes offensive remarks. My main take away from everyone’s advice is to try to avoid interacting more than necessary and try to keep interactions brief. I try to focus my energy on my own work and getting back to it, which helps keep me from reacting to things she says. Her rude behavior hasn’t changed one bit, but I have been much less bothered by it.

23. Kenna CateOctober 12,2022 at 2:40PM UTC

    My best advice: focus on what positives this person brings to the role. I have gotten through tough situations with difficult personalities by only thinking of the person’s best qualities for the job. It makes it easier to talk to those folks, since it forces you to only think of their professional side. Do this even off the clock. Once you no longer work with them, it is okay to grouse about them in private; as a matter of professional survival, complaining about them to your boss or coworkers can backfire even after you or they are no longer with the company.

24. AnonymousOctober 12,2022 at 3:14PM UTC

    Your boss should not be planting a seed of negativity like that at the start. My boss did that to me and she already didn't like me due to that. That's not leadership. You don't have to be friends with co-workers. People are going to make assumptions regardless. I had strong boundaries with my lead and they all talked about me saying nasty things about me. I just quit and couldn't be more proud of myself for sticking to what was right for me. My boss had anxiety around me acting as if I had a personality disorder (she's far from a psychologist) when I know they played a huge part in the discord. Sounds like you have an upper hand. since your boss put a bug in your ear first. I wouldn't respect anyone like that.

25. AnonymousOctober 12,2022 at 7:21PM UTC

    Good point. Why hire someone for your team if you’re going to trash talk them to the rest of the team—before they even start? Sounds like a recipe for disaster

26. AnonymousOctober 12,2022 at 10:06PM UTC

    I'm projecting a little but what happened with me is my boss told the new hire to change the tone in the office. (planting seeds) Off the bat what do you think my coworker did? She didn't like me. She took over a power control persona. I, of course hated work. I made their lives difficult since they expected me to heed to their demands and put-downs. I was twice their age and they treated me like garbage. My main boss was micro managing me so when bosses start trash talking I would be cautious. Sadly I worked with kids so they suffered because of adult immaturity.

27. AnonymousOctober 13,2022 at 12:37PM UTC

    I’m guessing you’re a teacher. “Changing the tone” is often what new administrators set out to do and doing this without really knowing the culture of the school often does a disservice to everyone. It’s one of the reasons why more experienced teachers are leaving in droves.

28. JenniferOctober 14,2022 at 1:15AM UTC

    I think you misunderstood the OP. In this case, a current team member expressed to her manager that she didn't like an internal candidate. The manager elected to not let the opinion of one person (OP) dictate the hiring decision.

    Based on the information shared, I feel like the manager made the right call. Since the new team member was already working for the company, the hiring manager had access to information on her performance, skills, and aptitude at the company. Mgr could speak with her current supervisor, and might even have direct experience with the candidate and her work product.

    Leaders shouldn't be making hiring decisions based on one direct report's nebulous complaint that they don't "gel" with another employee.

29. AnonymousOctober 16,2022 at 2:33PM UTC

    All of your points are valid, but one thing I didn't mention is that the boss didn't interview any other candidates, so there was no real choice in the matter of hiring even though there was a second interview with myself and other colleagues and asked our recommendation for the hire. 2/3 of us said, we should interview other folks --- this internal candidate is capable, but maybe not suitable.

30. AnonymousOctober 12,2022 at 10:53PM UTC

    Sounds like where I work.

31. AnonymousOctober 12,2022 at 7:34PM UTC

    What do you mean by “gel”? It seems like your blurring the lines of professional and personal relationships. And it sounds like you don’t want to do anything to defuse the situation. Are you both competent? Do you both work toward the same team goals? Do you avoid passive-aggressive behavior? Why would you be a grump? Do your part to repair the working relationship.

32. AnonymousOctober 13,2022 at 1:16AM UTC

    These are excellent questions to the OP! I personally would never assert that I’m going to be grumpy. It will be treated as a temper tantrum…as it should be!

33. Nicole DupuisOctober 13,2022 at 12:30PM UTC

    YES I have had this experience. I certainly know where you are coming from. Creating some boundaries really does help. If the working portion of your relationship becomes unproductive, in other words, it is impacting your work and efficiency, I would have an open and respectful conversation with that person. I have had these conversations before. Basically starting with "I want us to have a strong working relationship and I feel like we have some opportunities to improve. Can we work together to find some ways to work better as a team?"

34. AnonymousOctober 13,2022 at 1:25PM UTC

    What’s your desired outcome since this person has already joined the team? Do you want your boss to fire her or kick her out of the department because you have some history with each other?

    Be very careful as you place that line in the sand. This could quickly and easily backfire on you.

    If I went to my boss and complained that I didn’t like someone they’d offer me two options: figure it out since you’re a grown-ass woman of they’d show me the door.

    you have some decisions ahead of you. Personally, this is not something I’d die on the sword for.

35. AnonymousOctober 15,2022 at 2:23AM UTC

    I can see why she is feeling a little upset. But I wouldn’t mention it to anyone until I found another job.

36. DebraOctober 13,2022 at 2:14PM UTC

    This is fascinating to me because I actually went on a job interview and had their supervisor tell me the exact same thing. She made me aware none of the peers in her team got along with this person and wanted to give me a heads up about it. Plus, she urged me to share with her how I would overlook this behavior and get along with the person. Sorry, that's above my pay grade.

37. AnonymousOctober 13,2022 at 6:08PM UTC

    That is crazy as hell. I'm sorry but there's no other way to put it. Are we not adults here?? Yikes!

38. AnonymousOctober 13,2022 at 8:58PM UTC

    Oh geez

39. AnonymousOctober 13,2022 at 8:57PM UTC

    One of my coworkers? Let's go with all but one of my coworkers...