RBF

14 Comments

1. Evelyn LivantAugust 9,2024 at 2:04PM UTC

   Did you receive feedback? Otherwise, I wouldn’t even give it a second thought. I never considered work a fashion show.

2. Barb HansenAugust 9,2024 at 3:27PM UTC

   Preach! Why should I have to waste brain cells worrying about the configuration of muscles on my face? I shouldn't and I don't!

   Here's my response when told that I have RBF (or should you smile more or why you look so mad or whatever phrase of the moment that means RBF).

   "This is my hard-working thinking face. You can have hard-working thinking Barb or you have can smiling Barb, you can't have both at the same time"

3. AnonymousAugust 9,2024 at 4:01PM UTC

   I have no poker and totally appreciate the advantage of having a face that conveys nothing. And yes, men are still making the rules and women seem to be the main enforcers against ourselves. Can we stop? How can we all support each other more?!? Being here and sharing helps. I love the support!!!

4. AnonymousAugust 9,2024 at 6:48PM UTC

   For my forty year career I have been advised with every variation of this assessment (e.g., you have such a beautiful face when you smile, your employees are intimidated when you are not smiling, your thick eyebrows make you look like your scowling, etc.). When I finally developed a rock hard poker face (it took decades and practice), I was chastised for having an inscrutable face! I finally realized this is often just a power play by men or woman who are lacking in their own skill set and reveals their own weakness.

   Bottom Line: IMHO, It is absolutely ridiculous to assess a colleague's God given facial design (or body) as negative.

   Facial expressions are used to communicate. If you have an intense look of concentration and study, I'm not going to interrupt you with a petty or simple question, until your face softens or relaxes. Don't you think that's an efficient design?

5. AnonymousAugust 9,2024 at 7:41PM UTC

   I envy poker faces. I have a friend and a colleague that one could say have the face you describe, but when they laugh, their face just lights up. You're right, rarely do we ever hear about men having poker faces. I try to appear attentive in meetings, and others just have a dead pan appearance, which I just can't do, I'm too expressive for that. Also, if the engagement is pleasant with you it's just your expression may be more dead pan but doesn't really reflect who you are. Plus, it could be an answer of I am attentive and do not show a facial expression when I'm listening intently.

6. AnonymousAugust 10,2024 at 1:16AM UTC

   I usually announce This is my thinking/pondering expression. I have often heard that people find me intimidating and I feel this makes me more human. Does a man have to do this? No. Because he is never seen as intimidating, rather, those same qualities are confidence, charisma and capability.

7. AnonymousAugust 10,2024 at 2:32AM UTC

   I have the unfortunate trait of having facial expressions that speak louder than my mouth, so I understand the problem significantly. I haven't figured out how to fix it completely. My best defense is awareness that it happens and using mindfulness/breathing exercises when I feel I'm projecting something that shouldn't be.

8. AnonymousAugust 10,2024 at 3:10PM UTC

   This speaks far more to the lack of emotional intelligence and body language interpretation of the person giving the feedback than it does to your facial expressions.

   It's a useful skill to be able to monitor and adapt facial expressions and body language - and neutral expression can be helpful in many situations. You shouldn't have to consider your expression 24/7, though.

   This feedback is outdated - but it might be helpful to understand where it's coming from and how it relates to your presence and others' perceptions. You could use the feedback to ask questions that get to the core of the issue. How does this make colleagues feel? How are they interpreting it? How can you address those things without having to change your face? We can't control what others feel about us, but we can sometimes get ahead of it by volunteering info about our quirks and explaining.

   Consider the approach that works for your situation, but one way to handle it might be to address it up front with new colleagues: "hey, I know I'm sometimes hard to read and have a stoic expression - it's not about you...I'm just in my head when I do that. If you're ever unsure, let me know I'm making the face and then I can explain". Just don't let it position you as the brunt of the office jokes.

   I would steer clear of calling it by the colloquial term RBF unless you have that kind of relationship with your colleagues and your HR is more lax on that stuff. Even if they are, it's absolutely sexist to use it.

9. Shelley BergAugust 11,2024 at 1:56AM UTC

   It depends upon whom is President of the United States/and SCOTUS at the time...(our bodies/our faces).

10. AnonymousAugust 11,2024 at 12:51PM UTC

    I get where you’re going, but politics has no place in this forum.

11. AnonymousAugust 12,2024 at 2:13PM UTC

    There's a whole world of a conversation about misogyny in that brief description. Depending on where you work, it may feel like more of a thing than it is.

    As someone who identifies as a woman, and one who doesn't have what's considered RBF, I found it weird that it became a thing to talk about. IMO and FWIW, as long as you do your work and are a decent co-worker, I'd be fine with someone. I think the only real reason it comes into play is when you're interacting with someone- and even then, there are power dynamics involved.
    1.If you have work collaborations or customer-facing tasks where you've been given feedback that people don't feel comfortable with you (and there's data) -then perhaps there's a way you can seek techniques to improve [the perception of certain] facial expressions (for when you're engaging in those environments e.g. acting). I studied communications and theater so I know how to put on a show or adjust my physical expressions, tone, or words (for clients even for certain bosses/colleagues who won't listen unless I change my mask). For some folks, facial expressions are difficult to change (even if they wanted to), so I can understand the privileges that some may have. Some environments claim they accept authentic behavior. Great. IMHO, it's on a spectrum. Finding your level of authenticity and matching their appreciation of authenticity would be great.

    2.Then there's your own time and the expectations folks have of you. They are allowed to not like RBF. You are allowed to have whatever face you have. You're not breaking any laws or policies. Have some woven preferences into expectations? yes. The issue seems to be when someone expects you to look a certain way for them to feel better. Where it may work against you is if the culture you're in values a different perception of you - and the power dynamic is against you. This is not ok, but as you describe, it happens.

    You can choose to play the game, leave certain environments, stay put and change nothing, or fight against it- having allies helps (for you and/or the mission).

    Work on you if you feel called to do so and for authentic reasons. Sometimes just by existing, you are the change. Be you.

12. AnonymousAugust 12,2024 at 9:47PM UTC

    Ok so you identify as a women? What does that mean?

13. AnonymousAugust 12,2024 at 6:03PM UTC

    Hard to know how to react to your question without knowing more.

    If there is something about your facial expressions that detrimentally intimidates others, that might be a matter for concern. If that is the case, monitor yourself so that your facial expressions and body language are more receptive.

    But if there are no specific complaints associated with your RBF, I would be inclined to disregard these comments if made in jest or go to HR if they indicate misogyny.

14. AnonymousAugust 12,2024 at 9:50PM UTC

    I know what you mean. If its affecting your work- or how your perceived at work, then I'm sorry that's happening to you. But I experienced this at my place of work and to be honest- I had to fake it. I have to be conscious of those folks who are intimidated or otherwise by my RBF and fake it. I know it's unfortunate and it's hard but it's how I moved up. Once I got some experience and earned some "cred" then I was able to stop faking and explain to folks that he- I have RBF- it has nothing to do with you.